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Hooray, the 2012 Academy Awards! All of our life’s work culminating in this one moment! The most beautiful night in the whole world! A chance for the stars to really SHINE! “WHO ARE YOU WEARING?” -@gabe. YUCK YUCK YUCK! I hate to seem too pessimistic about this year’s Academy Awards, because I DO think we’re all going to have a wonderful time together tonight watching Doug Hughs collect his Lifetime Achievement Award, but do you guys remember who’s hosting this year? I only remembered this morning, and it was honestly a pretty disappointing moment. BILLY CRYSTAL IS HOSTING! Billy “Academy Awards” Crystal is hosting the 2012 Oscars. That sounds like a not very good joke that a standup comedian would’ve made in 2004 when he or she was explaining the dystopian nightmare of 2012. (No disrespect to national treasure Mr. Crystal.) And yet here we are! Are your h’orderves ready? Champagne chilled? Gold glitter placed all over your face and arms? Perfect! Chat with us here throughout the ceremony, and follow us on Twitter, and us and us and us, and LET THE ACADEMY AWARDS BEGIN!
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I hope no one minds if instead of commenting on what is actually happening, I just make up shit about what Tilda Swinton is doing tonight. For example, breaking into the Louvre and stealing the Mona Lisa. I bet she is totally doing that, like the badass she is.
I bet she’s not sitting in a housecoat waiting for pain pillers to kick in because she spent yesterday aging a table.
Pain pillers = pain pill killers. I guess they’re kicking in…
Pain pills. OMG. I should just go to bed.
The night was shrouded in silence, save for the subdued purring of an idling engine. A soft melody wafted from an open window to form a bizarre duet. The driver eyed his surroundings warily. It was time.
The doors of the nearest building were thrown open and two slim figures ran into the street. The driver shifted gears as the figure nearest the car started shouting.
“Dammit, Oswalt! We’ve gotta fucking move, goddammit! Fassbender, grab the pistols and take shotgun.” The second figure nodded and made for the front passenger seat. The first figure paused in the dim streetlight to light a cigarette. Behind her, an exquisite explosion ripped the night in two. In the front seat, Patton Oswalt grinned at Michael Fassbender.
“I fucking love hanging out with Swinton”
PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA. Also, Paltrow is being interviewed; the worst, etc.
And then she just did Cockney Rhyming Slang and the British people lost the American Revolution all over again.
So, was Sacha Baron Cohen spilling ashes on Ryan Seacrest great because of how bad they both are? Or should I not have enjoyed that?
Hey guys did you see the Dictator spill ashes on Ryan Seacrest only in Hollywood right crazy Oscars!
Best part of the red carpet. At least it was worth all the catty fashion commentary.
More like ASHES Baron Cohen. AMIRIGHT?
This sure is a great all-star game, right guys?!
Of course Carmelo Anthony only plays defense in an All-Star game.
AS game defense is the best defense. Watching people miss open layups is pretty entertaining.
We all got Hawaiian pizza because The Descendants right?
Wait I got a different kind of pizza… sorry… I’m just going to go over here and cheer on War Horse.
Slothdrop! Have you been around lately? I haven’t! But I missed you, and I’m glad to see you!
Hey! No I haven’t been around at all but I wasn’t doing anything tonight and it’s family tradition to watch the oscars together (read: forced). I’m surprised you missed me (I wouldn’t miss me, lol) and I appreciate the sentiment! Just today I was actually talking about Teacherman to someone and grew nostalgic for the fun times in chat.
We did have good times. I’m glad you’re around and about tonight.
Slothdrop, just to let you know, your portrait is hanging from my wall.
“I love the way you pose for photographers when walking the red carpet. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to give an acceptance speech. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re trying to remember who to thank. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because Brett Ratner is the worst. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life hosting the Oscars, you want the rest of your life to end as soon as possible.” —Billy Crystal’s opening statements at the 2012 Academy Awards
well done, sir.
So, I heard Billy Crystal has a cameo on The Walking Dead tonight. My source is Anthony Crispino.
AUGH. BRAD PITT! Cut and/or wash your hair please!
I don’t own a TV, don’t feel like streaming it, so, yeah.
HOW ARE THE DRESSES. THIS IS ALL I CARE ABOUT.
Best so far, Clooney girl. Worst, some chick in a long sleeved white thing. Who was she?
She was The Worst.
I thought it was one of the girls from The Descendents? Maybe? It was bad.
The theme tonight is Old Hollywood glamour and oxycodone.
Yes. L.A.’s hottest club is The Oscars. And the bouncer is a bulldog who looks like Wilford Brimley and the password is “dia- beetus.”
Hi guys. I’m constipated.
My favorite part of the show so far was when some abc person was interviewing some visual effects guys from Harry Potter, and asked them what visual effects sequence did they feel they dropped the ball on. #GoodQuestion
Already downed my first glass of wine. What’s our drinking game for the night?
“How much can you drink?”
Sweet! My favorite!
1, 2, 3, Alcohol Poisoning
Let’s give out some Moon Men!
I thought it was surfboards? Is it 1993 yet?
Chris Rock, eat a burger. Get a haircut.
The FUBU joke was funny, though.
Did anyone see Natalie Portman talk about how excited she is to see Billy Crystal? She seems like the least fun person on the planet ever.
Agreed “He’s not going to be mean.” um…..what?
It was funny they switched to Chris Rock right after. Being mean is the funniest. Rock was a good host. Wait, maybe that was the MTV Music Video awards.
Guys, I’m stuck on the toilet. Who won best picture?
The picture you are painting with your constipation.
Look down. (Perfect setup Enchman! Check’s in the mail.)
One has to wonder, with so many noted prankster in one building, how many billions of pranks are happening per minute.
311 billion pranks.
Did anyone else see the guy in the crowd dressed like Dana Carvey in Master of Disguise? Was it Dana Carvey in Master of Disguise?
Morgan Freeman sets the mood like no other
Clooney is funnier than Billy Crystal. Is that the prank?
This Justin Bieber lady is pretty
Rachel Maddow?
Oh hey the Oscars finally acknowledge the Hitler killing that I feel was severely lacking from Midnight in Paris.
WHAT WILL BILLY CRYSTAL’S TREE OF LIFE THING BE? I’M SO SCARED.
GAHH SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN
BAHAHAHA THEY JUST SHOWED IT ON A FILM REEL IN MAKE-BELIEVE FILM LAND. GREAT JOB EVERYONE!
Wow, I want to know who was the guy whose job it was to pull that sheet away so expertly. That was tidy.
GROOOOOOOAN
I won’t be watching these “awards” as my lifelong boycott for giving awards to garbage movies remains steadily in place. HOWEVER if anyone has a Christina Hendricks Google Alert, now would be a good time to make use of it and sharing is caring.
Billy Crystal doesn’t know what War Horse is anymore than we do
Is Billy going to make jokes about the movie titles and not the movies themselves? Looks like he could have gotten better writers to The Help.
Chapter 11 theater. Awesome!
Anybody know of a site with live streaming? I have no cable and now that the red carpet stuff is done I am in a Oscar blackout.
Congratulations to Billy Crystal on her ongoing gender reassignment. Glad you’re using Amanda Lapore’s plastic surgeon.
Glad Billy Crystal dusted off the old tuxedo for the opening bit. Sorry, did I say tuxedo? I meant monologue.
You guys remember when Rob Schraab, Dan Harmon, and Jean-Ralphio wrote the Oscars opening?
Martin Scorcese finally got to be behind Jonah Hill
This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
Seriously.
This opening song is like those Date Movie movies, but for old people.
Am I really going to watch this all? Ooof.
Remember on Friday when you introduced me to A Serbian Film? After this opening bit I think I can stomach that film now.
Where’s James Franco when you need him?
Where’s Hugh Jackman when you need him? I’m serious guys. I would watch Hugh Jackman pee his pants all night over this.
Brett Ratner has the shit-eatingest smirk on his stupid bigoted face right now.
“NINE IS THE NEW FIVE A HA HA” – nightmare man
Hi Chet Haze’s dad
We’re giving out awards for seat fillers now?
This is feeling like the Grammy’s all over again. Waste of couple of hours that I’ll end up feeling upset about after it’s all over.
I am still mad that war horse is not about a vigilante horse.
I would watch that movie.
Directed by Quentin Tarantino
If we get Tilda Swinton, James McAvoy, and Meryl Streep to co-star, I’m starting a kickstarter for this.
Um… and Fassbender as the bad guy the horse has to stop.
Well shit. Off to a bad start on my Oscar ballot.
Gandalf deserved that award.
Star Wars : Star Trek :: Harry Potter : Lord of the Rings
“Gandalf SUCKS!”
“It’s Dumbeldore! Get it right!”
#NerdRage
Guys, James Coco and barbara Walters look fantastic.
And the hugo sweep begins. Marty must be so happy
“Who is Hugo?”–these people
I’d rather watch a GOP Debate. This is the pits.
At least Ron Paul is entertaining. (oooooof)
Fact: his speech writers are way funnier than Bruce Vilanch.
is it just me or is Ellen slowly morphing into Steve Carell?
Hey, look, a genuinely funny commercial for JC Penney. Take that, moms.
Someone break into Billy Crystal’s home to teach him a lesson about hosting the Oscars.
BRIT!
I don’t get these theater name jokes. Is it an industry insider’s thing?
Cool montage of TERRIBLE movies
Princess Bride! I could be watching the Princess Bride right now!
Guys, why am I not watching the Princess Bride right now? Or Jaws? I love terrible decisions.
I think I’m going to watch Ghost Rider 2. I may or may not be kidding.
Even if you are kidding, I am jealous. Go with speed, my friend.
I’m glad the Academy is doing something different this year and using montages to illustrate the depth and breath of Hollywood. Cutting edge.
I do not like either of their dresses #oscars #coolcommentbro
WOO JANE EYRE
My hair looks exactly like Cameron Diaz’s right now. Exactly. This is not a compliment.
Did everyone else see Jennifer Lopez’s nipple? ABC is going to get FIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNED.
Tonight is the first time in 15 years that I’m not watching this. Instead, I’ll hit refresh here every once in a while and determine how it went down through you guys. Thanks, monsters!
We’re taking one for the team!
I came home from work for this?
Really sorry for Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz that they are enslaved in Billy Crystal’s sexy dreams every night.
Jennifer & Cameron: Chance Takers
You make an old chick look older and you get a fucking Oscar? Fuck this noise, I’m going to bed.
Celebrities talking about seeing movies? Good directing.
Gargantuan: the more you know!
So the theme of this year’s Oscars is “Movies.” I am glad they are as creative as my high school’s homecoming committee.
Was Sandra Bullock always this dead inside? Or did Jesse James do this to her?
Sound check, can anyone else hear some weird high pitched feedback when anyone is talking on thsi broadcast?
That’s just Billy Crystal being wacky.
YES. Thought it was just my end too.
1) Glad to see A Seperation win.
2) HOLY SHIT a movie about the Holocaust (In Darkness) lost Best Foreign Film.
OMG what’s he saying?
Fact: I would totally go to second with Christian Bale.
get right in his eye line.
But with what accent?
“They could not look more different” = Melissa McCarthy is a fattie.
Sookie better win this shit.
Ok. I’m out. I tried, guys. I tried.
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. — Me, quoting Good Will Hunting.
(Seriously, this is a nightmare.)
SOMEONE MAKE A GIF OF NICK NOLTE CLAPPING
Yes, make this happen.
Academy Abowards because this is abowring.
I am so happy she took this home. Yes, because she is a woman of color, but also, and more selfishly, because of my Oscar Pool.
I just (finally!) saw the movie C.R.A.Z.Y. Can I recommend skipping the Oscars and watching that instead? I’ve seriously never been so invested in the characters of a movie before. Plus, Marc-Andre Grondin! Such a pretty young man!
AHH! I love this movie. I was talking about it during the Oscars for some reason, and I own the dvd and just loaned it to the friend I was with.
I like the jazz fusion balcony.
At first it sounded like they were breaking into Massive Attack’s “Safe From Harm” after Octavia’s speech.
I prefer my jazz with a side of porn.
My Parents yelled SHEILA E!!!! While I yelled PHARELL at the same time. Then we kept repeating the names at each other as if we were accusing each other of being wrong.
The random-ass music balcony is cracking me up. It’s Sheila E, the Slumdog composer, and Pharrell right? And that electric violin…wow. What a clusterfuck.
Smooth jazz violin baby!
Donna Darko baby!
I’m so glad February is a leap year. An extra day for Februany at Subway.
So far, not as satisfying a hate watch as the new episode of Walking Dead I’m considering switching to.
“After seeing the Help, I wanted to hug the first black woman I saw, which from Beverly Hills is a 45 minute drive” -nightmare man
I can already tell this is sketch is going to be bad. Sorry, Bob Balaban, please go back to Ghost World.
Please let Parker Posey be in this. Doing her deleted monologue from Waiting for Guffman.
Well at least it’s relevant.
Is everyone doing well in their Oscar Pools? So far I’m beating Gabe, just FYI. Just in case anyone was wondering who was winning in that one.
Who won it best?
I am not sure why I thought of you when I saw these shoes, but I did!
Yay for breaking bad!
And the Oscar for “Creepiest Use of Enya’s ‘Orinoco Flow’” goes to Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
HOLDING BREATH FOR DRIVE!
If he could fly, that scene in North by Northwest would have gone very differently.
WOOPS. Did not mean to reply to this.
Fact: War Horse is not winning anything BECAUSE IT’S NOT A REAL MOVIE.
You can’t spell “whores” without War Horse.
War Whores would be a really good porn parody of a fake film.
And the most consistent hate of a film award goes to badideajeans for his indefatigable hatred of War Horse.
*or her
That Hugo joke was so bad, I’m surprised I didn’t write it — Billy Crystal
That would be Bruce Vilanch aka MR. CENTER SQUARE.
These non-actor speeches are really giving it to the Academy.
If Hugo wins one more technical Oscar it will be worth one real Oscar.
Large middle-aged white men crying is ALMOST as cute as small old men crying
Did you guys say that Plummer already won for Beginners or something? I can’t find that anywhere.
Or Gambon or whoever?
I’m drinking a diet coke, just like this commercial! Synergy!
So glad we’re getting Cirque du Soleil performance instead of “Muppet or Man”
And they made the Muppets INTRODUCE them?! FUCK THIS, I’M OUT.
20 plus years later and I still can’t get used to the new Kermit voice.