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Hey guys, how beautiful is Gael Garcia Bernal? So beautiful, right? I almost forgot about how beautiful he was because I haven’t seen him in a movie for a while and he isn’t dating Natalie Portman anymore, but then I saw this “news” (exaggerated quotes) about him that I’ll get to in a second and I remembered, because there was a picture of him attached. SO BEAUTIFUL! Anyway, he’s going to be Zorro in an upcoming Zorro reboot. Duh. Hollywood got to have a very long champagne break after they decided on that one, I bet. “Uhh so, Gael Garcia Bernal, right? Has he been Zorro yet? Remember how beautiful he is?” But check out THE TWIST! From Variety:
ZORRO REBORN is a futuristic reboot of the classic Zorro mythology that will not be set in California or Mexico, despite the story’s Western themes. Garcia Bernal will play the character as a masked vigilante bent on revenge. Project is still seeking a director.
NOT California or Mexico? Set in the FUTURE?! STILL SEEKING A DIRECTOR?!?! A lot of mystery here and a lot of room for predictions, so here are mine:
- Directed by robot Stanley Kubrick.
- Set in space.
- Zorro is mad because his wife and children were left behind on Earth after he was told they’d be taken to space on a later flight, and then Earth exploded.
- There’s a joke at the beginning that Zorro’s sword is an iPhone 7 app, but then it’s revealed that he has a normal sword still, hahahah.
- Zorro dresses cooler than before.
Perfect guesses! To be honest, I bet this movie will be at least fine. For instance, remember how beautiful that guy is? So beautiful!
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Zorr.0
Instead of carving a z Zorro just sends sexts that are signed
-Z
He has a Constant Contact account for his monthly revenge newsletter.
Will he use a rapier or will he use a rapier-rapier?
Neither – Instead of a traditional weapon he will defend himself with his rapier-like wit.
You had to get all rapier-than-thou
For a minute I thought that quote said “ZORRO REBORN is a futuristic robot,” and I was sad to discover that I was wrong. I never knew how much I want to see Gael Garcia Bernal play a futuristic, swordfighting robot until today.
They should just make a one-off, classic black and white Zorro picture, and cast Jean Dujardin the foxy lead.
The problem with a Zorro reboot is that it’s really hard to make it Xtreme for tha kidz. Dude already spells his name with a Z, and he practically invented tagging.
Not to mention anything they do with a Zorro film will be considered derivative of Puss in Boots in the eyes of tha kidz.
They’ll already be used to that, though, from the two Jeff Buckley biopics that are ripping off that song from Shrek.
Smashmouths’ “All-Star?”
Hey, now!
The original Space Zorro, Don Mars de la Venus, is captured and imprisoned in e-jail just as Virtual Spain concedes Digital California to General Neptune Santa Anna.
20 space years go by and his mortal enemy, Don Rocket Ship Montero, returns to Digital California with a plan to become wealthy with galaxy credits at the expense of the robot peasants.
The original Space Zorro escapes from e-jail and trains a new Space Zorro to take his place. Much swashbuckling and derring-do with lasers and plasma rays ensues.
No mention of Space Zorro’s rocket horse? Please don’t tell me they didn’t have the budget!
As a Z, I am disappointed to have been passed over for this exciting opportunity.
I can’t wait. Mostly because this will most likely get traction for the still-starring George Hamilton reboot for The Gay Blade I wrote, like, ten years ago.
I’m excited to see when Zorro Joins up with the Occupy Movement™ and stabs some bankers or some dorks in Guy Fawkes masks (Zorro hates Guy Fawkes the Man but identifies with his causes, Space Zorro is complex)
I would love for V and Zorro to have a fight. V would probably win on account of his love of explosions and lack of self-preservation, but up until that point they’ll be saying all sorts of fancy-sounding things at each other!
V: Have at you!
Zorro: Gadzooks!
V: Damn your eyes!
Zorro: Prithee, my pantaloons have become unstuck, sirrah!
V: Unstuck from wherefor? Thy codscrapes? (Snickers)
Zorro: Strewth! Wait… wast thou just now making merry at my expense?
V: I see now I shall never be the exemplar nor attain the perfection that so fraughts my soul. Fraught sounds like fart. I die.
(V self-immolates out of shame)
Money please, Hollywood.
I think the film would be most successful if it is just Gael Garcia Bernal staring at the camera smolderingly for two hours. Perhaps he can have a sidekick played by Ryan Gosling, and they can stare at the camera together. Oooh! And the bad guy can be Michael Fassbender, only instead of fighting they all just stare at the camera.
I guess if that doesn’t interest you there can be a dancing squirrel in the corner.
What kind of dancing?
The lindy hop I hope. And maybe there can be a screen within a screen of the Sandwiches and Swinton Spectacular!
Three smoldering gentlemen, a lindy-hopping squirrel, and a screen-in-a-screen of the Sandwiches and Swinton Spectacular?
I would give this project the go-ahead to the green light in an instant. It’s just good business.
I’m on board with this. Let’s make it happen.
A starring role as Future Zorro means he’s also a shoe-in for a future Future Puss-in-Boots starring role.
ZORRO’S MAJOR LAZER RAPIER
(that popped in my head and I felt like I had to throw it out there)
Is Major Lazer Rapier coming out with a new épée?
This is my favorite conversation in the history of this site.
Hey Kelly, Gael Garcia Bernal is in some new razor commercial. FYI
Since we’re here talking about the beautiful Gael, it might interest you (you know who you are) to know he was on NPR recently, sharing great music and being extremely charming.
http://www.npr.org/2012/02/06/146473432/guest-dj-gael-garc-a-bernals-music-diaries
I would like to share a driveway moment with him. No Purity Bear.
If it won’t be filmed in Mexico or California, how about…
Switzerland – He can ride motorcycles with Lisbeth Salander
Alaska – He can help Drew Barrymore save whales
Portland — we’ll film it at my place! There may or may not be cameras!
Ummm if they need a director for this project they should probably hire Christopher Nolan? Because he’s already directed a very successful series of updated Zorro films? It’s called the Batman franchise? That already exists? I’m actually a fan of both Zorro and the concept of reboots but this is ridiculous? Maybe even ridonkulous?
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