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You can make all the fun of these videos that you want, but the fact of the matter is they actually do make you consider never having sex again. So, SUCCESS! Although, I prefer the original Purity Bear voice actor. He just sounded like Purity Bear. Yo, is that racist? (Via ChristianNightmares.)
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Uhhhhh……WTF? “Virgins who wait until marriage have a higher success rate?” Than what? AT what? Obviously not sex, right? I mean, we all saw what happened here:
Pictured: SUCCESS
100% he dumps her the next day.
Damn straight. Thanks to Purity Bear, she wouldn’t even kiss him!
I honestly think he might be married.
Right. To a black bear. A emotionally abusive black bear that won’t stop nagging him constantly about what he eats and how often he takes out the trash. He can’t even have some alone time with some friends without her hiding in the back of the car and making things awkward. She is destroying this relationship and she doesn’t even realize it!
He should! Like a pizza box!
Pro Tip: Never have sex with someone that eats pizza.
Set! …. Spike!
SCORE!!!!!
i wanted to put a gif of mike tyson as herman cain doing that smile but don’t know how to use the computer enough
He should have just had sex with the bear.
I mean, what do you suppose is happening here?
is that why he didn’t get out of the car and walk her to the door?
“Don’t fuck this guy because he fucks pizza.” — Purity Bear
“Women and pizza are basically the same thing.” -Rick Santorum
Wait, does that mean that if pizza is in combat that men will not be able to fight properly bc they’ll spend all their time protecting the pizza?
Actually, that could be true. I saw that episode of Friends where Joey tried to protect the sandwich from what he thought was gunfire. Classic Joey!
Purity Bear approved:
“I love you because you’re all I’ve ever known.” – Virgin Newlyweds
“I hate you because you’re all I’ve ever known.” — Seven Years Later
I think Purity Bear is onto something, but I think she (it?) omits some key facts. Specifically, while it may be true that I throw away the box when I’m done with pizza, that pizza lasts in my refrigerator for like five or six days. So that box actually hangs around for a while. And ladies, that’s what you should expect from me. A hot evening, followed by five or six days stuck in my refrigerator before I throw you out. I think that’s a completely reasonable expectation.
I don’t throw away the box even when it’s empty. Seriously, you should see my apartment. So I guess what the ladies have to look forward to from me is, um, being stacked on top of other hollowed out ladies after I’m done with them while the cheese stuck to their inner surfaces slowly hardens into something like granite. The up-side to this is that the other ladies in the stack can keep them company, unless I’ve hollowed them all out so thoroughly and on such a deep emotional level that they’re no longer even capable of speech. Jesus Christ, I’m a monster!
“Virgins who wait for marriage have a higher success rate” [citation needed]
Also, Purity Bear should have listened to Royalties Bear. Pretty sure they’re gonna get sued by Universal Music Group.
This is all very creepy. Keep your bear claws off my body!
That bear just comapared women to food. This guy’s not surprised:
Live action Purity Bear
This date happened on December 20, 2012. The next day, the world ended.
The Mayan Calendar: “What are you saving it for, America’s Horny Teenagers?”
How old ARE these people? He’s driving a minivan and wearing a dad cardigan. And he has terrible social skills.
Ladies, it’s okay to have sex, but do you want to have sex with this guy? — Reality Bear
You better not be talking shit about dad cardigans. A good third of my cardigans are dad cardigans.
I fucking love dad cardigans.
Someone had a dad cardigan google alert.
Oh, Right. You say you love Dad Cardigans, but I bet you throw all of your dad cardigan boxes away don’t you? We all know what you are really after: Dad Cardigans.
Dad cardigans are great. But my guess is that you’re not trying to have first-time sex in them with a girl who hallucinates a talking bear as you make a move in your minivan. Or maybe you do. I would just like to think that you do not.
You fucking love dad cardigans, but no one loves fucking dad cardigans.
Yeah, I found his speech patterns and salesmanship to be entirely at odds with his auto and wardrobe.
“I don’t understand this character at all. What’s my motivation?” — That actor
“You are an unholy thing of evil who must not be kissed goodnight.” — The director/producer/writer/minister
Maybe he’s driving his parents’ car and wearing his dad’s clothes? You know… to seem more adult.
I’m no Hollywood big shot (just kidding I totally am), but there is some serious disconnect in this PSA.
And where does she live? A horse ranch?
Do they both live with their parents bc they’re not teens, they could be in college… maybe they’re out of college and living at home?
It just raises more questions than it answers.
I was thinking the astroturf on the front porch of the horse ranch was a clue. It seems like something you’d put down in front of an apartment building or dorm, so maybe she’s a student in some sort of post-graduate live-in equestrian school for girls? I could see her there.
But I can’t imagine where he took her for dinner. Olive Garden?
And I wish they hadn’t edited out who turned on the overhead light; that is potentially a serious clue as to what the heck is going on.
Well, now I’m definitely not going to have sex tonight unless I get an opportunity to have sex.
I really love you BUT WE CAN NEVER KISS GET AWAY FROM ME
They should have a gay version of this.
I think they do.
+100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
I also just thought of something. She’s not driving…I wonder if like Cher, she is a virgin who can’t drive?
Are you suggesting that she should be allowed to be in charge of a moving vehicle, or even in charge of where she gets to go? Did you not notice that she’s female??!!?!
Purity Bear: “Wait for marriage.”
Gay teen: “But we can’t get married in this state.”
Purity Bear: “Sucks to be you.”
Brought to you by whatever religious organization does these videos.
Damn it, purity bear, we need an updated version of this! When is it appropriate to go to DM? When do you poke?
Your avatar is sort of a purity bear…well I wonder how furry Mr. Michele Bachman is…
3/3 of me wishes I had never watched this video.
Pictured: SUCCESS!
ah dammit. i meant this as a reply.
But… but that is a reply?
Sorry. I meant this as a reply.
No-one’s mentioned this yet as far as I can see, so I have to mention it because this sort of thing really bugs me. This -
“Young men who are sexually active outside of marriage are 3x as likely to experience chronic depression.”
- is specious. The context and the phrasing lead you to infer that the sexual activity outside of marriage was one of the causes of the chronic depression. The two things might be statistically linked but in my experience, as someone who has been both depressed and a young man, it seems more likely that the correlation is due to the depressed person seeking an alleviation of their symptoms through sex, not the other way around.
But maybe Purity Bear is warning the young girl that any guy who fools around outside of marriage has the potential for chronic depression in them and thus would not make a good life-mate. You know what? Everyone has that potential in them. I think some people are more predisposed towards depression than others but a lot of it is down to circumstance and no-one has complete control over every event in their lives. Depression can become a habit like any other if enough bad shit happens to you.
It’s just a simplistic, misleading statement in so many ways.
I actually had a conversation about this statistic with a friend who works in sociology, studying gender and reproduction issues. Basically, according to her, these stats cited by abstinence groups are always pretty skewed because the majority of people active before 15 or 16 or whatever age they’ll cite are usually molested, raped or in some way accosted — which is why the numbers seem very high. But if you only study the people who engaged in consensual activities, the depression number is very low.
And you have to factor in that 1/3 of the population has depression at some point anyway, and the type to save themselves for marriage will probably think their illness is God’s plan and not a chemical malfunction in their brain.
I’m still curious what virgins are more successful at than non-virgins. I’m going to guess ensuring a better harvest in the fall… as they will be sacrificed for the greater good.
I’ve heard there are many opportunities for virgins in the lucrative field of Volcano God Appeasement too.
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Sorry Kelly. This is neither the time, nor the place. I really think we should wait and make this special.
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You’ve just given Purity Bear an embolism. I hope you’re happy!
A higher success rate at what?