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It’s Yale Day, whatever that is. Have things really changed so much since I went to college? Granted, that was back in 1953, when a woman wouldn’t dare to show her ankles, but I remember everyone getting their acceptance letters in the mail, and they were delivered when the mailman felt like it. Nowadays, at least according to this show, which I can’t believe I’m actually pretending presents any kind of even-remotely realistic depiction of the actual world, everyone finds out on the same day, at the same exact moment, via mass-text message. What? It’s like Yale’s never even heard of a Facebook Poke! Anyway, Blair has brunch with her dad and his luhver, and she says something to the effect of “well, the dean said that I was as good as in, so there’s absolutely no way that anything could possibly go wrong,” which tells you two things:
1. something will most definitely go wrong
2. the controlling share of this show’s viewers (51%) are babies
Dan and Serena are also excited about Yale Day (whatever that is). Sure, they’ve had a rough time of it lately, what with the whole their parents are fucking thing, but as Dan tells Serena, getting into Yale will change their lives. “It will be a chance to reinvent ourselves.” Oh good. I hope that Dan reinvents himself as a guy who gets hit by a bus, and Serena should reinvent herself as the girl who also got hit by a bus.
So Blair gets wait-listed, and Dan and Serena get in, but Serena lies to them and says that she got wait-listed, too, because she doesn’t want to hurt Blair’s feelings, and the one thing about being best friends is that you should never, ever be honest with each other if one of you doesn’t have the emotional maturity to handle simple facts. Blair is devastated by this news, but the Headmistress is like “relax, you will probably get in, there’s just one pretty girl who goes to this school who got in ahead of you, but if she turns it down then you’re totes Yale Town: Population Blair.” That’s a direct quote of what the headmistress says, because of how she’s the headmistress of an elite private school and they talk good.
But it’s not that simple because there’s a new English teacher in school who is some Benjamin Buttons shit, because the woman is 12 years old, and she gives Blair a B on a paper, a B! Blair is like “let me tell you how this works, I’m in charge,” and the teacher is like “let me tell you how this works, write better papers.” So Blair hatches a plan to get back at the new teacher, to show her what’s what. The whole thing is a little flimsy, because haven’t we been led to believe that Blair is an impeccable, over-achieving student? It doesn’t seem like she would hand in shoddy work, or that she would pull some kind of Senioritis excuse. Then again, she did end things with Chuck, so WHO KNOWS what she’s capable of 
.
Meanwhile, Chuck has been trying unsuccessfully to get Uncle Jack removed from the head of Bass Industries. He’s tried everything: putting cocaine in Jack’s gym bag, buying Anthrax with his credit card. Out of ideas, he turns to Lily for help. Lily! But she’s the woman who was married to his dad when his dad died and didn’t show proper respect as far as a high-schooler with a penchant for opium and Thai hookers was concerned! There is no love lost between Lily and Uncle Jack, who tends to look at her the way a lion looks at a piece of steak that he plans on raping in a powder room at the opera (whoops! SPOILER!) Lily agrees to help Chuck as long as they begin pursuing legal avenues of destroying Uncle Jack, and that means scrapping Chuck’s brainstorming list, including #26 “Crash Jack in plane.” Lolz. Lily hopes that in helping Chuck it will bring him back to the family, but Chuck just wants one thing: to lead a multi-billion dollar real estate development company in New York City. He might as well, Lord knows he isn’t GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL anymore.
Everything comes to a head at the opera, NATURALLY. First of all, Blair gets a phone call from the headmistress, because that’s a thing that happens. Headmistresses are always calling teenagers late at night on their cellphones. Classic Headmistress stuff. She tells Blair that Ms. Carr came to see her because of Blair’s grade (B!) and how she wanted to make sure that Blair could still keep her grades up for Yale, and Blair is like “I’ve made a terrible mistake,” and her dad’s luhver is like “QUOI POURQUOI ZUT ALORS!” Blair pulls up in a limousine, and Ms. Carr is like “you think this is all fun and games?” Well, OK, it must be embarrassing to get PUNK’T like that, but also you are the full grown woman who is a teacher who accepted her student’s invitation to dinner and the opera, so maybe a little of this is on you. Blair apologizes and gives some kind of the-frog-and-the-scorpion speech about how it’s in her nature to hatch convoluted revenge schemes on the authority figures who hold the keys to her academic future. After she leaves, Ms. Carr calls the headmistress and tells her about the prank. Now it’s all Detention Town: Population Blair. The headmistress loves that joke construction!
Back at the opera, a dough-faced man appears with some mystery papers for Lily to sign, because when it’s time to conclude some business, you unexpectedly show up at the opera. That is just how business is done, and if you didn’t know that, that’s why you’re poor. But the mystery papers hold the key to destroying Uncle Jack, as they are adoption papers that Bart signed before he died, and if Chuck signs them then Lily will be his legal guardian, and she will be in charge of Bass Industries, and Uncle Jack will have to go back to Australia, which it turns out is the worst, most offensive place to be. I never realized! Before he goes, Uncle Jack throws a goodbye party in the powder room. Just him and Lily and his rape eyes.
Now they are a family again. Nothing like a good drug-fueled sexual attack to bring people together.
Speaking of drug-fueled sexual attacks, Dan is totally going to do it with Ms. Carr, which is perfect, because it’s high time someone on this show literally went to jail.
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Oh that snake
I’m really embarassed that I loved the music in the rape scene.
Also, way more evidence in this episode that both Lily & Rufus should be nominated for and then awarded the worst parents in the world award. Even I got nauseas when they discussed going to bed earlier… Nasty.
“It’s like Yale’s never even heard of a Facebook Poke!” and this is why I love videogum.
So, yeah, I agree: I’m not going to pretend the show tries to show a realistic portray of these people, but: what!? Yale texts you? The opera? Rufus is at the opera? Chuck bought antrax? I’m guessing that’s not literally speaking, right?
It feels kind of odd to post a comment about GG right after watching an amazingly historic moment…but then I remembered that I actually got really excited last night when Blair said she was going to war. Change will take time, but even I can see that I will remain shallow.
So I’m guessing 2 episodes before Miss Carr and Dan make out?
What has happened to Chuck’s voice? Is it all the opium smoking? He’s graduated magna cum laude from the Batman School of Whispering Menacingly, even when he’s telling Lily that he wants to “be a family” again. Shhhh! He’s Chuck Bass. Shhhh!
WE STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT IS IN BLAIR’S HATCH!
Buzzkill
God Chuck is hot.
I also loved the rape scene music.
Gabe, how could you not mention ANY scenes with Eric? That crash course he gave Rufus about the magic flute was fucking HILARIOUS!!!
And I’m still irritated with the fact that nobody has addressed the so-called “affair” between Blair and Uncle Jack. Part of me is starting to think I just made it al up in my head. It did happen right?
I’m so happy Jenny was basically not in this episode.
Sidebar: I love the sly use of “some Benjamin Buttons shit”
This episode totally made me want to go to the opera. Apparently at the opera, people are always making out in public and trying to rape each other. The opera is just one one big sexy party.
Wow, they really managed to create a universe without one likable or even believable character — and I don’t even want to go into the storylines?
I’m just so glad I don’t have to watch the show anymore since the beginning of this season; your recaps are so much better! Gabe is true martyr.
i don’t get why they’re holding on to nate archibald and curly haired girl.So irrelevant!
it actually annoys me when they’re featured in episodes because their drama is all based on nate being mentally challenged and vanessa being a povo bitch. also when did nate get his money back? totally don’t remember that happening. how could he get stolen money back? whatever gossip girl.
i think the fbi guys said he could have all his shit back if he turned his dad in… or something like that. nate is just too forgettable for me to acually remember any specific scene about him past the next episode. he’s just too… wait… what was i talking about again?
Nate is so boring.
Loved the nanosecond Blair and Chuck shared on screen. Loved that dress as she ran.
Dan and Serena break up. You bore each other and us. Rufus and Lily are the real deal!
it was shown in the previews, but then i guess they just…decided not to put it in the episode? ugh. gossip girl has become too ridiculous. it’s like a crappy relationship i can’t leave because i still hold on to the glimmer of potential that i’m imagining is there…
these days you get notification from many colleges in your e-mail — don’t know if yale is one of them. they weren’t checking their text messages, they were using their internet-enabled phones to check their e-mail accounts. i think blair said something about “that’s not my e-mail” to nellie or whatever her name is at the beginning of the show.