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It’s hard to believe that just a few short years ago none of us even really knew what the Golden Globes WERE, and now it’s become a whole thing. If there’s one thing Hollywood was definitely lacking, it was hollow, artistically and intellectually vacuous, self-congratulatory awards shows broadcast on television. Phew. Glad they finally filled in the gaps with one! To make matters worse, of course, Ricky Gervais is returning to host this year. Neat! Here is a sample joke from the 2012 Golden Globes opening monologue: “My name is Ricky Gervais and I wrote The Office so that’s why I’m so brave that I’m willing to stand up here and say that Taylor Lautner’s Abduction wasn’t a very good movie. BOOM! Nailed you, Taylor Lautner’s Abduction, in front of the whole world. I’m drinking beer!” Good jokes! Something something atheism!
For an awards show that has always seemed particularly dull and misguided, this year’s batch of nominees is not going to diverge from the ancient tradition. I mean, Gnomeo and Juliet got a nomination for fuck’s sake, and even if it is just for best song, IT IS GNOMEO AND JULIET. And are we really considering My Week with Marilyn a comedy? Because, uh, I mean, we can, but then we have to answer the pressing question: name one thing that is funny about it? (Not that it should be nominated for any awards in drama either. The only awards it should be up to win are awards for Things That Are Terrible And Make You Wonder How On Earth They Ever Got Made. That is the category in which My Week with Marilyn SWEEPS.) What a load of crap. What a magical celebration! The full list of nominees for the 2012 Golden Globes after the jump:
Best Picture, Comedy/Musical:
The Artist
Bridesmaids
Midnight in Paris
My Week with Marilyn
50/50
Best Picture, Drama:
The Help
The Descendants
Hugo
The Ides of March
Moneyball
Warhorse
Best Actress, Comedy:
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn
Charlize Theron, Young Adult
Kristin Wiig, Bridesmaids
Kate Winslet, Carnage
Jodie Foster, Carnage
Best Actor, Comedy
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Owen Wilson, Midnight in Paris
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 50/50
Brendan Gleeson, The Guard
Ryan Gosling, Crazy, Stupid, Love
Best Actress, Drama:
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Tilda Swinton, We Need to Talk About Kevin
Best Actor, Drama:
George Clooney, The Descendants
Leonardo DiCaprio, J. Edgar
Brad Pitt, Moneyball
Ryan Gosling, The Ides of March
Michael Fassbender, Shame
Best Director:
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
George Clooney, Ides of March
Martin Scorsese, Hugo
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
Best Supporting Actress:
Octavia Spencer, The Help
Bérénice Bejo, The Artist
Shailene Woodley, The Descendants
Jessica Chastain, The Help
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
Best Supporting Actor:
Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Albert Brooks, Drive
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Viggo Mortensen, A Dangerous Method
TV Series, Drama:
American Horror Story
Boardwalk Empire
Boss
Game of Thrones
Homeland
TV Series, Comedy:
Enlightened
Episodes
Glee
Modern Family
New Girl
TV Actress, Comedy:
Laura Dern, Enlightenment
Zooey Deschanel, New Girl
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Laura Linney, The Big C
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
TV Actress, Drama:
Claire Danes, Homeland
Mireille Enos, The Killing
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Madeleine Stowe, Revenge
Callie Thorne, Necessary Roughness
TV Actor, Drama:
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Kelsey Grammar, Boss
Jeremy Irons, The Borgias
Damian Lewis, Homeland
TV Actor, Comedy
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
David Duchovny, Californication
Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory
Thomas Jane, Hung
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Best Screenplay
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash, The Descendants
George Clooney, Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon, The Ides of March
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
Aaron Sorkin and Steven Zaillian, Moneyball
Best Foreign Language Film
The Flowers of War
In the Land of Blood and Honey
The Kid With a Bike
A Separation
The Skin I Live In
Best Animated Feature
The Adventures of Tintin
Arthur Christmas
Cars 2
Puss in Boots
Rango
Best Original Score
Ludovic Bource, The Artist
Trent Reznor and Attivus Ross, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Howard Shore, Hugo
John Williams, War Horse
Abel Korzeniowski, W.E.
Best Original Song
“Lay Your Head Down,” Albert Nobbs
“Hello Hello,” Gnomeo and Juliet
“The Living Proof,” The Help
“The Keeper,” Machine Gun Preacher
“Masterpiece,” W.E.
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I’m mostly looking forward to the parting of the red carpet as Brangelina make their grand entrance.
that’s all the hollywood foreign press is interested in, too.
I think I’m going to live-tweet the Golden Globes this year. The funny thing is that no one can stop me.
That sounds like a very THE MASK-esque cry for help.
“I’m gonna live tweet the Golden Globes. Somebody stop me!”
(Please won’t anybody stop me)
No “Best Song” for the Muppets?
Seriously, and no Best Picture or Best Director for Tree of Life?!?
More like Melancholia! Where are ALL those nominations?
Those things will all be nominated next year. Like how Rango came out FOREVER AGO and is only just now being nominated for things.
Andy Serkis: Did I get nominated for an Oscar?
Andy Serkis’ Agent: You didn’t even get nominated for a Golden Globe.
I read that conversation with Andy Serkis as a motion capture ape, and surprisingly or not, his agent is a motion capture Gnome of some kind.
I start reading the nominees at the top like I am actually interested with these awards and next thing you know I am speed-scrolling down and it looks like I am trying to read the matrix but just don’t care.
Ditto. These awards are the equivalent of a “World’s Greatest Grandpa” coffee mug.
I don’t think the Hollywood Foreign Press understands comedy, you guys. Carnage!
Real Steel was robbed!!!
Um… Midnight in Paris was cute…but…best screenplay?
I actually loved that screenplay
Well there you have it. I’m in a minority. I just thought it was OK and not his best work, but after thinking about it it is still better than a lot of crap that was spewed out this year from hollywood’s rotten bowels.
True that!
Free Bucky Larson
Community doesn’t get nominated for anything? Yeah, fuck this.
Adding insult to injury, New Girl gets nominated for best comedy series? I mean, I say this as somebody who watches New Girl every week and finds it decently entertaining, but what the fuck?
Maybe the Jim Rash will win for Best Screenplay, and Dean Pelton can give a shout-out to his homies.
I’m legit depressed that Danny Pudi doesn’t ever get nominated and yet people from Big Bang Theory are ALWAYS nominated.
At least the reign of 2.5 Men seems over, right?
At least there’s that…
Last year I remember being somewhat annoyed that Community didn’t get nominated. This year I feel that the season has been pretty bad, so I think that oh wait who gives a shit its the Golden Globes.
Congratulations to my longtime boyfriend Ryan Gosling for the DOUBLE NOMINATION! Double nomination all away across the sky! (Are we still doing that?)
That whole Best Actor, Drama category seems to have been based on some sort of handsomeness index. Bilateral symmetry all the way across the face!
Battle of the Hollywood Super-Hunks!
This will be the first time the awarding of the Golden Globe will be determined by pose-off.
On the other hand the TV Best Actor, Drama Category was based on actors Courtney Stodden would find appealing. “Began to watch Boardwalk Empire, Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad, Boss, and The Borgias for the bodacious old bros”
Oof, sorry. Can you guys just assume I feel crappy after I type something like that? It would save me a lot of time and effort in apology comments.
Half of those “best foreign language film” nominees look like the title wasn’t translated, so they just named it after what the movie was about.
The Golden Globes are often more fun to watch than the Oscars because everybody gets wasted. The later-in-the-night acceptance speeches are always half-slurred. It’s great.
Why does Glee continue to get nominated? There’s no category for “Best Promising Show That Went Completely Downhill After The First Season.”
“Best Show That Everyone Continues To Think Is For Children Despite The Overwhelming Evidence To The Contrary.”
Glee is the answer when questions are wrong.
I think Glee is going to clean up at Semi-National Regionals!
And with that, Tilda Swinton’s plans were one step closer to fruition. (Congratulations, SWINTON! Might I remind you that I am still available for general henchpersoning, should the need arise.)
WHAT. ABOUT. DRIVE.
I am happy about the Homeland love.
I hope that the sequel to drive follows in the tradition of Speed and takes place on a boat. They can call it “Bob,” so when it also doesn’t get nominatd in 2014, you can make the same comment and I’ll have a joke all ready to go for it.
My inspiration: WHAT. ABOUT. TYRA. #rpdr
*SLAP*
Homeland is amazing, and that last episode blew my mind up. Good for Claire Danes. Lady can act.
Homeland is the best new show of 2010, hands down.
Homeland is easily the best new show on TV this season.
how much did someone pay to get The New Girl nominated? Hasn’t it only had like 5 episodes?
And this is one of those years where I have no interest in seeing any of the award movies.
You mean no interest in seeing them AGAIN?
There’s been nine to date, actually. Yes, I watch the show and YES, I enjoy it.
Ironically? Or is all of your irony invested in your ‘stache?
Sincerely. I don’t get the Zooey backlash. Maybe because I never watch live TV so I never see the “Adorkable” shit.
The “Adorkable” ad campaign is DEFINITELY the worst thing about New Girl. As a show, I think it’s actually pretty good. The cast works well together and the guys do a good job of balancing out Zooey’s sometimes-too-cuteness.
I find her character loathsome, but the guys endearing. The show would be so much better if she was not on it. We can call it The No Girl.
Also, I don’t dislike her. I just dislike that character.
i’ve seen two episodes and enjoyed one. I’m not saying it’s completely awful, but should it really be nominated?
Your mistake is trying to find any meaning in an award show determined by a random assortment of 90 so-called journalists. They just nominate who they want to show up at the ceremony. Literally the only requirement to be in the HFPA is that you live in Southern California (FOREIGN?) and you publish four articles a year.
Also, the press is pretty loosely defined. You could live in Southern California and write a weekly flier for a grocery store and sometimes review movies and get counted. Craig Ferguson has a decent rant about how useless they are and why, but I’m too
lazybusy on a deadline to find it.The Zooey Deschanel sympathy lobby is a powerful ally.
Did Shark Night 3D get any nominations?!! Or do I have to continue my boycott of awards shows which do not recognize 3D shark movies?!
who cares about the golden bulbs or whatever. what i’d like to focus on is the amazing literary device that gabe uses in this type of post where he does not use contractions whatsoever. it adds to the feeling of disbelief and discontent and disconsternation that we all must surely feel. i am a very lazy person and i feel very strongly that using contractions should be a cornerstone of all of our (my) lives, but this is just a very good use of not using said contractions.
also, for a lazy person, that was a very long comment. i am so proud of myself.
SO happy to see 50/50 get nominations for best picture and best actor. Surprised the screenplay nomination isn’t there.
Even though the Golden Globes actually had Burlesque in their nominations last year, they also usually have a lot of movies that go on to be nominated for Oscars, so… fingers crossed that 50/50 gets some attention for the Academy Awards.
Can someone please explain to me how GLEE got nominated again for Best Comedy Series? Have the voters even been watching this season because it’s totally nonsensical.
I’ve seen one episode and am sad it’s ever been nominated for anything…..
american horror story, and no BREAKING BAD? how can a group of people be so wrong…
As someone who watches and enjoys American Horror Story, but has also watched Breaking Bad, I don’t get why Breaking Bad isn’t there. It deserves to be there.
At least Cranston is in thereeeeeee for Best Actor though!
I’m just glad to see SOMEONE nominate 50/50 for something. It won’t win, but that movie was wonderful.
Gabe, please tell me this is like that time you posted the fake Emmy nominations that were all very good but instead you posted the fake Golden Globe nominations and now they are all very bad? Someone just hold me.
You can give War Horse all the awards in the world and I still won’t believe that’s a real movie.
I know, it seems more like the kind of fake movie you’d see in a movie about making movies. And all the characters would be talking earnestly about how amazing this war movie is about a horse. And we would be expected to laugh at the absurdity of it. But it’s real. It’s an actual movie made by actual filmmakers playing now in actual theaters where they expect people to pay actual money to actually watch it. Bananas.
It should be a Tropic Thunder fake-trailer.
Agreed, it sounds like a Brendon Small moviefilm.
Is there a reason Breaking Bad isn’t nominated for Best Drama?
In defense of the ancient members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, The Help would have probably only been mildly racist and insulting in their glory years.