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Matt Damon seems like a fine enough person that none of us will ever meet. Previously, he has not wanted to destroy Sarah Palin’s children, and remember when he said those nice things about teachers? Also: Good Will Hunting. Oh, also, I just remembered this one: Handsome. So it’s kind of odd that he was the BIGGEST JERK in his cover issue of GQ this month, when discussing Bourne Ultimatum screenwriter Tony Gilroy’s draft — the only one of which he was contractually obligated to produce — of the film’s screenplay. From GQ:
I don’t blame Tony for taking a boatload of money and handing in what he handed in. It’s just that it was unreadable. This is a career-ender. I mean, I could put this thing up on eBay and it would be game over for that dude. It’s terrible. It’s really embarrassing. He was having a go, basically, and he took his money and left.
Whooooooaa! More like Matt HEY-MAN, take it easy! He contacted GQ afterwards saying, “This is between me and him. So saying anything publicly is fucking stupid and unprofessional and just kind of douchey of me,” which is fair enough, but also what is said and written cannot be unsaid and unwritten so here we are. This all being said though — That screenplay must have been terrible! Matt Damon doesn’t just go around trashing mediocre screenplays to GQ every day. I bet it was a nightmare. IF ONLY HE’D RELEASE IT TO EBAY! Hahaha. eBay. Oh, celebrities. Anyway, you can all relax and stop refreshing your eBays because it just so happens that we have a peek at Gilroy’s draft RIGHT HERE!
IEXT. FOREIGN PLACE – NIGHT
Jason Born is running from someone. He is in the CIA. He is runing v. fast and you can tell hes running for his life.
JASON
YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME!
INT. INSIDE – DAY
A few peopel sit in an office. They all are people whoo were in the other movies to kill Jason Bourn.
PERSON 1
How can we kill him? You there — woman. You’ve tried before, how can you improve?
PERSON 2 (WOMAN)
Operation Blackbriar
ENXT. BULDING – NIGHT
At a building they meet. Who is on what side?
JASON
Who’s side are you on?
PERSON
I am on your ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
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Holy shit! That is very bad! I’m sorry, Matt Damon, you should definitely not be getting any negative reactions to your GQ article because you are super correct. Please accept my apology and you can pick me up for dinner at 7:30.
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Hey, Tony Gilroy. You like apples?
why does he look like he’s on the cover of Boy’s Life? are he and Viggo Mortensen privy to some type of anti-aging technology we aren’t?
No, anyone can buy Photoshop!
THIS guy knows exactly what you are talking about [insert picture of George Lucas with Jar Jar Binks]
“are you sure he wasn’t talking about ‘We Bought A Zoo’?” – tony gilroy
that is exactly what I thought this was going to be about when I first spotted this story elsewhere on the interwebs, that Fatt Damon would be trashing the writer of We Bought The Zoo movie. but there is still time left in the year for him to do that.
I heard that later on in the screenplay, Gilroy has Franka Potente’s character come back as a re-animated super-soldier Bourne must fight. Let’s get this thing made. Franka needs more work!
Agreed! Or, if that does not work, I will pay Franka Potente to hang around with me and drink tea and eat sandwiches, and hope that I become more badass through osmosis.
dat story sounds like it has a lot of potente!
i’ll scheiße myself out…
I guess the question is… can he out run her? get it? run lola run
I’m sure she’ll BLOW right by him, Steve.
He’ll probably need a SHIELD.
I dont get it. neither of those jokes
Sorry, Steve. I misspoke.
I meant to write “He’ll probably need a THE SHIELD.”
Is there any bigger burn than having your script called “unreadable” by a guy who’s been in FOUR Kevin Smith movies?!
no. those are just “unwatchable.”
Or wouldn’t you call it a Bigger Bourne?
hahahaha holy fuck its only tuesday
good one, “djfreshie”
Waitaminute! Let me count: Deleted scene in Chasing Amy, Loki in Dogma, himself in Jay and Silent Bob Strike back, executive in Jersey Girl… holy shit. Why do I know all this?
Why DO you know all that?! I’ll happily admit that I had to Wikipedia this one to get a firm count..
He’s in a real scene of Chasing Amy that was not deleted. It’s only for a moment. Fuck why do *I* know that?
None of this matters. What matters is that he wrote and starred in Good Will Hunting, which, in my opinion, is one of the best movies ever made.
Matt Damon is allowed to be in some crap if he wants.
And it’s ok if you know all about those crappy movies.
I mean, most of us know the happenings of Gossip Girl and True Blood. Is knowing about a Kevin Smith movie any worse?
No! There is no shame!
I don’t know the happenings of either of those shows! Although my wife just started watching Gossip Girl on Netflix, and that shit is insane! The one girl’s grandma was all “you can’t marry that guy and take him to your debutante ball, he is below your class!” And everyone makes fun of that guy, and his mom shops at thrift stores. Then it turns out that his Dad is a FAMOUS ROCK STAR WHO OWNS AN ART GALLERY. They are the 99%, I guess!
It’s not your fault that Good Will Hunting is not a good movie. It’s not your fault. Look at me, WTCILY, it’s not your fault.
I don’t know anything about Gossip Girl after they went to college. Yesterday a friend asked me a question about a mutual friend who shares the name with someone on the show (Blair) and a plot point and I got to say “sorry I don’t watch that show” AND THAT NEVER HAPPENS. But hahaha, joke’s on me. I did know what happened because I keep in touch with the mutual friend and I had facts about actual life events that happened to coincide with what I know is happening on the show through Kelly’s non-reviews.
I do know about True Blood though, but I’m pretty sure I’d stop watching if Alcide was killed off. And didn’t they just hire someone super hot to play the werelion? Yeah, I know a lot about True Blood.
I could not recall if Damon’s role in Chasing Amy was a deleted scene or not because to the best of my recollection he was MAYBE talking to Lee’s and Affleck’s characters about licensing the comic book they made? And I cannot recall what that scene looked like at all, which led me to believe it was beleted.
We didn’t even get to the scene written in all Webdings.
He’s just used to good screenplays literally falling onto his lap from the sky.
I appreciate that Kelly phoned her fake bad screenplay about a phoned-in bad screenplay.
He is pretty much the most likeable human being on the planet. Even his response is great. Good job, Matt Damon. Double good job Matt Damon’s parents.
And if this is all the work of a publicist, that publicist deserves every award in Hollywood… yes, even the Blockbuster.
I’m sorry, WHO’S the most likable human being?!
Um, are you forgetting his little role in a little movie called EUROTRIP????
Without a question, the most likeable person on the planet. Sorry, The Rock.
Scotty Doesn’t Know!
I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be seeing here besides a picture of Kristen Kreuk.
What is with the other GQ stories in this issue?
“Our Favorite Sexy Mormons”
“The Chilling Case of the Webcam Stalker”
“You’ve Never Seen (or Tasted) Cocktails Like This”
It’s like a cross between Lifetime and Cosmo – but for men.
Umm, and also what is with the subhead “And We’re Not Talking Mitt Romney”? I don’t think Mitt Romney springs to mind when anyone hears the phrase “sexy Mormon.”
From these comments we are to assume he was never actually given the script for The Adjustment Bureau.
matt damon is just a good actor and a nice guy. remember the thing about the teachers? i rest my case.
I would eat an omelet made out of any part of Matt Damon’s body