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George Clooney has a movie coming out called The Descendants. [Important note: Not The Descendants.][Important aside: I KNOW.] It’s about a father (George Clooney) whose wife cheated on him, and then he runs down the street. “Whoa whoa whooaa,” you’re probably thinking. “HIT THE BREAKS! A father? George Clooney? AMERICA’S BACHELOR?” Yes! Amara Miller, the child actress who plays George Clooney’s daughter in the film, shares you feelings on his complete inability to ever be a father. (That’s what you were getting at, right? Great.) From Us Weekly:
“Let me just say, he wouldn’t be good as a father,” Miller told Us Weekly at the movie’s premiere Tuesday in Beverly Hills, Calif. “He wouldn’t be the best as a father. George likes being an adult,” she explained. “George has fun being an adult, and I don’t think he would like having kids. I know that he’s not planning on having kids anytime soon.”
But Miller did say Clooney was “really amazing… so fun and [always] playing and fooling around and joking.” “He was just a really phenomenal person to work with, but we don’t really keep in touch anymore. He’s George Clooney… No one really keeps in touch with him anymore!”
Wait — NO ONE keeps in touch with George Clooney anymore? Guys! Why don’t any of you keep in touch with George Clooney anymore?! Is it because of the fart stuff? If so I understand, but someone should probably give him a call. Anyway, kids give the darndest interviews about their adult costars, for sure, and it’s only unfortunate that she left out any real details about WHY she thinks he would be such a terrible father! Luckily, unlike George Clooney, we’ve retained our childlike ability to make nonsense from our brains. So here are my guesses:
- One day George Clooney was at the craft service table. Moments before he headed there, a child on set was crying a little bit. George Clooney was told before that this child loved donuts and that donuts just always calmed him down instantly — that’s how much the child loved them. So George is looking at the food and he sees donuts. “Why do I remember donuts right now?” he thinks to himself. Then he shrugs, takes a bite out of the donut, and throws the rest in the garbage. When he returns to the area with the crying child he says, “What is that, making that horrible noise?” George Clooney is unable to comprehend the sound of a child crying.
- One day George Clooney was in his very big trailer, staring peacefully out the window, drinking an alcoholic drink. A lady was in his bed and George Clooney didn’t know her name — never even asked. Out the window he sees a child on a Razor Scooter. The child scoots over a rock and falls onto the gravel. No one else is around to see. “Oh no,” George Clooney thinks. “Could there be loose rocks ANYWHERE?” George Clooney calls someone and asks them to keep an eye out for loose rocks.
- One day Amara was on set coloring in a coloring book. “What are you doing?” asks George Clooney. “Coloring,” she responds. “Why?” asks George. “Because it’s fun,” she responds. George Clooney begins to color with her and doesn’t have any fun. “This isn’t fun,” he says. “Well, I’m a kid,” she responds. “You’re a WHAT?” George asks.
- One day George Clooney forgot his lines during a take. This was very frustrating, because he had been forgetting his lines a lot lately. “Why is this happening to me,” he wondered aloud. Then, a baby crawled onto set. It was someone from the crew’s baby — they couldn’t get a baby sitter that day and their partner had an emergency! Before anyone could stop it, the baby bumps its tiny head on a table. “Was that supposed to help?” asks George Clooney. No one understands what he’s talking about. “Someone with a MUCH bigger head is going to have to bump it into a table if it’s going to have any effect on MY brain.” What!!! Still, no one knows what George Clooney is talking about.
Yes, it certainly looks like George Clooney should never even be AROUND children, let alone have them! Also he seems to have some serious mental and emotional issues! Thank you for your interview, Amara Miller. I love you a lot!
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It’s hard to potty train a child when you keep pranking him the way he does.
Saran wrap on the potty trainer. So CRUEL.
Years later, in therapy the former-child will be told all his problems stem from ‘poop shame’ (technical term) and wish it was possible to hate his terrible father, George Clooney, more than he already did.
Step 1. Put sleeping child on the toilet.
Step 2. Place sleeping child’s hand in a bowl of warm water.
Step 3. There is no step 3. Clearly this child is now potty-trained.
Ok this doesn’t have a lot (actually nothing) to do with this topic but i thought you all might be interested to know that there are people protesting across the street from my office about the fact that Ryan Gossling didn’t make People’s sexiest man alive.
he can’t be the sexiest man alive, because he is not of this earth.
That’s true. Canadians don’t qualify, because they are living cartoons. That’s why they buy things with loonies and toonies.
Clooney, loonies, toonies. There’s a Canadian Oceans 11 joke in here somewhere.
oh.
Ocean’s Eh? Leven.
Nailed it.
sounds like a good title, but what’s it aboot?
Clooney and Pitt team up with 11 ruffians from northeast Toronto to pull off the most spectacular heist in Canadian herstory: to dine and dash at the CN Tower rotating restaurant, effectively cheating the restaurant out of *quick mental math* $5,300 (CAD).
the emotional climax of the movie will be after the heist they meet up, smile and then, one by one, they walk out of a Tim Horton’s
Danny: “Liar.”
Tess: “Thief.”
Rusty: “Extra large double-double.”
It has everything to do with it. Classic Clooney prank. (No, really, he does this to a costar every year. In 2001 he tried to take a “For Your Consideration” ad out in Variety for Matt Damon. Variety wouldn’t let him.)
That is the saddest thing I’ve seen in a long time.
Ahem…SECOND saddest.
I’m just glad someone finally found something to protest about in America. I was beginning to worry that maybe our country was too perfect.
what’s wrong with loving acting like a kid, but not wanting to raise one? a guy can love a good fart, but it doesn’t mean he needs to get a look at the poop in the toilet, can’t he?
Maybe he just doesn’t have a cloo how to raise children.
You should sell this joke to a popsicle company
I would, if I hadn’t already sold exclusive rights to the Jumble.
I remember doing a Jumble, where the prompt was: How much does Scooby Doo weigh? and the answer was: A Dawg Pound. First of all, what? Second of all, why did they spell dawg like that? Life’s little mysteries.
(I’m extremely sorry for taking up comment space with this useless anecdote)
Because Scooby Doo isn’t a dog. Is he a dawg? I do not know. But he is definitely not a dog. Dog’s don’t talk, and Scooby does. But with a canine accent. As if he were some mad scientist’s sin against nature.
f. ched. please keep the anecdotes coming!
I don’t get it. Does George Clooney not know how to drink all of the vodka and not come to my baseball games?
Ugh, I know just what you mean Amara. Adults are the worst parents.