Hugh Jackman is going to host the 81st Annual Academy Awards? What? Doesn’t the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences realize that this man PEES HIS PANTS ALL THE TIME? This is actually just weird. Why him? Was Dax Shepard not available? At least he can appear in public without instantaneously wetting himself. Seriously, though, still, what? I know that Hugh Jackman has been on Broadway (that’s where he’s most commonly found PEEING HIS PANTS), but that hardly qualifies one to be the emcee of a three hour long already-pretty-boring event. Then again, it does seem like the ability to put on a cringe-inducing song and dance medly a la Billy CRAPstyal (Best Original Zingplay) is one of the Academy’s main requirements, so, success!
There are probably more than 100 people who would be more obvious, and more successful performers to host the Oscars. Here are five of them:
Why: Um, because it would be the most incredible three hours of your life. You might not know who won any of the awards by the end of it, and your brain might hurt, but you would definitely be aware of the ways in which cats create transferential energy off of the physical plane so that cars can soup love clouds. What? Garey Busey is insane.
Why: OK, he’s not a celebrity, and he doesn’t really have anything to do with the film industry, and he uses the word ni**a. A lot. But something tells me that anyone who can keep me watching an online video of a bug on a wall for 5 minutes, which is approximately a billion minutes in internet time even when something’s actually happening, can keep the Oscars moving. Real talk.
Why: Just kidding.
Why: When you announce that Hugh Jackman is going to host the Oscars, it’s a weird choice, but ultimately people will decide that it’s just stupid and you made a mistake. When you announce that Tia Carrere is going to host the Oscars, it’s a weird choice that will be puzzled over for years. “Remember when Tia Carrere hosted the Oscars?” will be the new “What bar did you go to on 9/11?”
Why: OK, joking aside, Stephen Colbert would be a great Oscar host. If he approached the show the way he approached the White House Correspondents’ Dinner in 2006…incredible. Is this kind of an obvious choice? Sure, but sometimes the obvious choice is obvious because it’s right. Occam knows what I’m talking about!