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[It has often been said that the Videogum Commenting Community, while obviously wonderful, can be intimidating and off-putting to new commenters who might not get all of the inside jokes, or who may be nervous that the more entrenched readers will not value, respect, or have any interest in their opinions. Aww. Not true! However, this is a pro-active attempt to correct for that, as this post is for NEW commenters only. Welcome! Penny for your comments!]
Brett Ratner, your boyfriend of infinity years, has been on quite a tear lately. First, there was the time last week when he talked about how much he used to “bang” Olivia Munn and how that made her “bitter”. And then this week, in an interview about the upcoming Academy Awards show that he is producing, Brett Ratner, who is the Ennis Del Mar to your Jack Twist, said that “rehearsing is for fags.” Whoa! Naturally, Mr. Ratner (whom you love even if your friends and family disapprove because it’s your life and you’re going to live it) has apologized for both of these things, and naturally even the apologies are pretty incredible. About Olivia Munn, whom he refers to as a friend IN HIS APOLOGY ABOUT THE BANGING STUFF, says that she is “actually very talented.” Nice apology. Very heartfelt. In his apology about saying “rehearsal’s for fags,” which, just, holy moly, is it still 2011? Or did the world fall into Jerry O’Connell’s SLIDERS tunnel and who even knows what we can or can’t say on stage anymore? But in that apology Ratner (who is very talented, you think, once you get to know him) claimed that he should have known better because he is a “storyteller,” and therefore understands how powerful words can be. Let’s definitely not throw Brett Ratner into a garbage can. No way. Not yet. I mean, the election is still open, right? This guy can run? For President? Fingers crossed. Whaddaya think, Nate SIlver? (What do YOU think, new commenters? The floor is yours. USA! Characters welcome.)
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FIRST!!!!
Steve Winwood, you are setting a bad example for the children!
Wait, does this mean I am not allowed to say what I think about Brett Ratner? Well where CAN I go to say what I think about Brett Ratner, then? Because I definitely have thoughts about Brett Ratner!
**the Videogum Commenting Community, while obviously wonderful, can be intimidating and off-putting to new commenters**
This is only partly true, Gabe. It leaves out the fact that the Videogum Commenting Community is also intimidating and off-putting to long time commenters as well.
You take that back or I swear to god, I will put you off!
Shut the fuck up, facetaco.
Shut the face up, fucktaco.
Donka Darno?
You guys should be careful with your words, they’re very powerful! (I learned that from my boyfriend.)
Now THAT’S some good putting-off!
By they way, this marks the first time in history that I’ve written comments about “pudding” and “putting” in the same day.
Don’t you listen to her, facetaco, you can put me on anytime you want. WIIIIIINK
I’ve been feeling put-off around here for at least three years now!
For the record, New Commenters, when somebody around here refers to somebody else as “your boyfriend,” all that means is that you’re in a loving, committed relationship.
Also #nohomo. Unless you’re in a loving homosexual relationship then #allhomo.
Rehearsing is #allhomo
Do I qualify as a “New Commenter”?
You’re vintage. Like MySpace, and polio.
so you’re saying we should abandon and eradicate him?
You’re old to me, but only b/c I love your work over at the Hairpin.
I thought we retired Josh’s number or something?
I am somehow MORE intimidated and nervous in this new environment. This is like when you transfer to a new school, and the teacher makes you stand up in front of the whole class, and you have to mumble a few sentences about what it’s like being from the South, and the teacher tells you to speak up…
Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, Brett Ratner. Yeah, he’s the worst.
Which south? South America? South Korea? The dirty dirty dirty dirty south?
Is it South Pacific? Are you from a musical?
South Germany. Those Bavarians!
The dirtiest of dirty Souths.
Where it is rare for a vehicle to NOT have a pair of Truck Nutz.
I’m from Alabama! There are lots of us Southern commentatin’ folk. Welcome to the fold.
You left out the part where Brett Ratner is also a very bad film director.
“Bret Ratner is this generations Ingmar Bergman.”- Michael Bay
What about gnu commenters?
(Aw, to hell with it, I’ll never fit in! I’m just going back to posting at The Daily Beest.)
Keep at it! Spiro Agnew commenters are also welcome.
Thagnew!
(Non-off-putting-way, I’M SURE, to combine gratitude and Agnew.)
“More like Fagnew!!!” -Brett Ratner
Bless you!
What about pneumatic commenters? My comments will be posted through the power of pressurized gas!
I love that the first two comments are from two of Videogum’s most prolific commenters.
Also, Brett Ratner is gross.
Ohhhh, THAAAAAAAT’s Brett Ratner. I couldn’t stop thinking of Brett Butler.
“You rang?”
Close enough.
Brett Butler thinks rehearsing is for Jews.
I hear ya. Man, that guy could really lay down a bunt.
Her?
Ahhh, Double Donnie Darko in the same thread. What does it mean???
PHYSICAL CHALLENGE
This wasn’t necessary. All one really needs to do is point new commenters in werttrew’s direction. Dude’s got encyclopedic knowledge of all things Videogum.
Hardly. His knowledge is wikipedic, at best.
Tempur-pedic?
http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/265368711/videogum-inside-jokes-memes-etc
Needs more Donna Darko explanation. I’m lost!
Ooh ooh! Allow me to help! Werttrew’s list on MOBFD (Moster Occurrences Both Forreign and Domestick, a monster spin-off blog) is probably more up to date: http://www.mobfd.biz/videogum-inside-jokes-memes-etc/
Here’s the entry on Donna Darko:
Donna Darko. Started by commenters That One and Cakeordeath, who repeated the same joke within moments. It came to signify any repeated joke or comment in a post. Origin post: http://videogum.com/251201/love-and-other-ughs/webjunk/
Oh, I get it now. Jinxgum! Thanks Superglue, who I wanted to reply to but the button is’t there so I’m replying to myself but hopefully it’ll kinda work!
i’ll bet brett ratner’s life is a lot like entourage. and i’ll bet brett ratner spends a lot of time talking about how much his life is like entourage.
entourage is for fags.
What about welcome back old commenters?
Welcome Back, Lizzing! ♥
(that’s what you wanted, right? attention? ♥ ♥)
party over here
♥ WELCOME BACK, SUPER!! ♥
(do you realize your last comment was back in October? that was like, MONTHS AGO! Glad to have you back!)
Lizzing is our generation’s Courtney Stoddard.
Yiiiikes with all the downvotes! You guys, Lizzing is my homegirl! You are using your downvotes wrong! You only get so many, and if you use them all on me, they’ll be gone before you know it!
In the New Commenters’ comment section, approximately twenty percent of the comments are submitted by facetaco. I don’t have a joke for that.
Facetaco is our generation’s Courtney Stoddard.
In a thread that’s been rich with upvotes, your comments have been a bit off-putting, apparently. Fulfilling Gabe’s Prophecy!!!
Sorry, facetaco, I don’t see the resemblance. Enhance:
I meant all of us. Welcome back old commenters LIKE A FAMILY!
Just know that in my mind, I am group hugging all of you (old monsters and new monsters alike) SO HARD right now.
I’m not even drunk right now. I’m confused by this, too.
♥ WELCOME BACK LBT! ♥
FAMILY! FAMILY! is this when we spray faygo on one another?
♥WELCOME BACK SOUTHERNBITCH!♥
Can I get in on this new old commenter party too? I can bring chips and/or smug beards.
♥ WELCOME BACK DAVIDCXR! ♥
Yo, my last comment was in July. Can I get some hugs up in here?
♥WELCOME BACK SOPHI! ♥
*comes in from off-stage*
Did somebody say welcoming back old commenters? What? Nearly 4 hours late? Well what do you expect with these rusty wheels?
and a special ♥WELCOME BACK !♥ to Capu Flapu!
YOUR WORLD FRIGHTENS AND CONFUSES ME!
(I’m doing this right, right? Totally right.)
Referencing Phil Hartman is always right.
So is using a Zack Morris phone.
I will take this as a chance for established yet infrequent commenters such as myself to take the reins at the top of the experience pile.
LOOK OUT, MONSTERS. THIS IS GROVER’S TIME TO SHINE!
Oh, and Brett Ratner: something something sympathy for Olivia Munn something something The Worst something something Even Stevens.
[insert gabeism here]
…and in that last one I conflated Brett Ratner with Michael Bay in my head, via Shia Labeouf and a not as clever as it sounds reference to earlier work.
Either their directorial awfulness is slowly merging towards some sort of suck singularity (suckluarity), or Grover flew too close to the sun. Sigh.
Grover, I’m going to need you to comment a lot more so I can be reminded of how much I loved Grover as a child a lot more. Most underrated Sesame Street character ever.
Totes underrated. I see his anxious persona today stemming from being the de facto elder sibling to Elmo, and constant victim of “you used to be the cute one” syndrome. Sesame Street is deep, y’all.
Also, I was Super Grover this halloween, and it might have been the best costume of my entire life- adult and childhood both.
I thought he was everyone’s favorite? He is my favorite. No offense, Doppelmuppet version of me!
I am staying with my boyfriend, because he promised me he would change. Plus, he apologized. Doesn’t mean anything anymore sheesh!
Is it true if you don’t comment for a while, it grows back?
Not Nate Silver, psh! What about David Silver? Cue the early nineties rap and some sweet dance moves!
True story about Nate Silver – he and I are buds through baseball stuff, and from when he used to live in Chicago and get drunk at Cubs games. I knew him when he was a lowly Baseball Primer/Baseball Think Factory commenter. Then he went and got all famous and I’m still a lowly BTF commenter.
They both disgrace my surname! And don’t even get me started on that bastard Long John.
Oh, hi everyone!
Uh, wait, never mind. I thought it said “nude” commenters.
Is that why you are cold? Brrrr.
The cat is Brett – the leash – 2012.
First videogum failure stings. . .
Just keep fucking that chicken!
http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/265368711/videogum-inside-jokes-memes-etc
or
http://www.mobfd.biz/videogum-inside-jokes-memes-etc/
also maybe this?
http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/320807705/images-in-the-comments-a-guide-for-videogum
Thanks for everything. It was a nice time. Chicken. Fucked. Humiliation -earned. Scars – forever.
!@**$*#~ First and last everybody!
[IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/11j9mdu.jpg[/IMG]
You don’t need the image tags! Just the link, ending in .jpg or .gif!
Totally worth it.
I feel like the grandpa who doesn’t always get what the kids are doing these days.
I felt like that last night when I went to a rap music concert. It was very loud!
Commenting is for fags. –Brett Ratner
(whispers) Sli! Ders!
I don’t think you are being fair to Brett Ratner! All he was saying is that fags are very diligent about preparation. And that Olivia Munn thing was clearly performance art.
I think you’re misusing the term “performance art,” which we even we new commenters/James Franco superfans know refers exclusively to “General Hospital” episodes.
I don’t know why “gay” means “dumb”. These guys are alright in my book. — Brett Ratner
What about those of us who’ve silently enjoyed (you say lurk, I say enjoy, whatever) all things Videogum and the commenting community for 3 years and only just decided to jump in?
Yeah! What about us silent enjoyers? Where’s the post especially for us to silently enjoy?
Everyone has upvotes on this thread = adorbs. Thread Hug!
Yeah, I banged him. He was going by Lisa then…
I am temporarily considering myself a new commenter since I haven’t commented in about 3 weeks. So hi! Nice to comment around here, you guys.
♥ WELCOME BACK THISISMYNIGHTMARE! ♥
<3 WELCOME BACK THISISMYNIGHTMARE HERE'S A COUPLE OF ERECT PENISES! <3
I just realized how creepy this looks now that the penises are gone.
8===>
<===8
(reenactment)
))((
So many jokes to make before this gets removed!
“Burn it to the ground”
Thumbs up if you like djfreshie!!!
Damn it I meant that as a reply to djfreshie in reference to our attacks on Stereogum forums
You forgot the !!!1111LOL at the end.
Where the heck did the erect penises go though? My manager dropped by a second ago and was all like “Hey djfreshie, did you talk to that [relevent person to my occupation]” and I was like “Yes I did and she told me that [relevant information to my position]” and she was like “There are no erect penises on your computer screen right now.” and I was like “There were like, 5 minutes ago” and then she was like “Oh, I see. Well see if you can’t get those back up there, and make sure you spend as much company time as you can posting about your retrieval of those dick picks on Videogum, which you’ve no doubt open on your browser, since IT tracks your computer usage” and I was all like “[relevant information to properly close this conversation and comment]“
Seriously, we’re all getting fired. I work from home and was waiting for IT to show up at my door.
That was a reply to djfreshie. I think the penises broke the blog, you guys.
This is what happens when you let the new kids in to play. Nothing is where you put it.
got many weird looks before class for that one
wow…that only took 3 minutes? They were on that like those dicks were on that guys face!
Wow, so… I’m really sorry I missed out on whatever the shenanigans were here.
That’s what he said, pre-surgery.
That was supposed to be a reply to “So many jokes to make before this gets removed.”
This was supposed to be a reply to my previous comment of “That’s what he said, pre-surgery”
This is why we can’t have nice things, you guys.
Oh poopies, this was supposed to be in reply to topknot! I know how to work an internet machine, damn it!
And that’s why you always hit the reply button before commenting!
No, I did. By the hammer of Chris Hemsworth, I did! It looks like lots of people are having technical issues today.
“By the hammer of Chris Hemsworth.” <–This just totally blew my mind. Like, a gigantic splatter on the wall behind me. Seriously, it's kind of gross and a huge mess. But, you know.
*blushing*
Why, thank you. Sometimes the [Norse] comedy gods just really smile down
I think it works as a stand-alone…kind of a warning about this entire comment string, perhaps.
These guys spent weeks rehearsing this.
I’ve been commenting more since I actually started chatting on Turntable, but I just wanted to comment and let you know that Brett Ratner directed Jodeci’s video for “Freek’n You.” So I think you know why he’s my boyfriend.
Is the Turntable still going? One day I logged in, and it was all gone. Like coming home from school and finding out your family moved and didn’t tell you, but on the internet.
I know, I check a couple times a week and it’s almost always empty. I don’t know what happened, maybe shit just started to get real for everyone.
I think primarily what happened was that turntable was being a turd and kept bugging out all the time and it got to be more hassle than it was worth constantly lagging out, restarting, waiting for songs that may not ever start, etc.
I know I am at risk of being massively down voted, but Gabe is obviously trying to bring more people into the VG community by encouraging only new commenters and this entire thread is like a VG greatest hits album. I apologize for this comment not being funny (or poignant for that matter) but the few times I had something worthwhile to post, it kinda feels like trying to shout above all the other kids at the birthday party.
If it helps, I found your post to be mildly poignant.
Exactly. This thread intimidates me! I’m a delicate internet flower!
Thank you! I feel very much pressure right now!
Oh, wait. Brett Ratner, right? Look away, Brett!
Remember when Scrubs was awesome, y’all? Gosh, I hope you guys don’t hate Scrubs here…
At least one of us loves it
I’m embarrassed that my brief history of comments has been linked to my facebook profile and not a unique username. But, as a comic book fan, I can thank Brett Rattner for giving me X3 featuring Kelsey Grammer in a CATS stage costume.
This is also how I read articles on Videogum.
If the image doesn’t appear, I just want everyone to know that I researched how to embed images into comments for about fifteen minutes before trying it out only to discover that my office’s firewall blocks photobucket.
At least you have a really cool looking name, though! It’s so alliterative!
I’d like to point out something that has gone unnoticed about this story which is that Brett “The Best person in the history of the world” Ratner who never “banged” Olivia Munn went out of his way to identify himself as the mysterious small penis’d shrimp masturbator from Munn’s book.
He essentially jumped on the tiny package hand-grenade to save his directoral colleagues minuscule masculinity from further scrutiny.
The man is without question the greatest hero of our time. We can all rest easy knowing that somewhere out there there is a millionaire movie director pleasuring himself with a fistful of crustaceans, dignity completely intact, thanks to Ratner’s courage.
Best. Boyfriend. Ever.
Or that, even though Munn has apparently said he is not the one that story is about, he assumed that of course a story about a degenerate, small-dicked director was about him.
So hearing that there was a story out there about a movie director with a super tiny penis who was also a pervert Brett Ratner immediately assumed that it was him. Not remembering ever having actually slept with Olivia Munn he attributes it to a particularly hazy time in his life when he might have slept with some girl with dark hair. And then he pro actively bad mouths Munn by calling her forgettable and very talented all in the same week.
This makes so much sense that it has to be one million percent true. We are great detectives. Like a pair of Angela Lansburys specializing in Brett Ratner’s sex life. (I feel so unclean)
You should all rehearse commenting more. #morehomo
This was meant to be a reply to the two penises.
Longtime listener, first time caller here.
Doesn’t the fact that Brett Ratner dated Serena Williams give him a certain…Ron Swanson-esque quality?
Swanson-esque quality canceled out by the fact that dating Brett Ratner gave Serena Williams instant syphilis.
and God, and the Bible.
do I get bullied more if i’m new and BRITISH?
do i get bullied more if I am new and BRITISH? (i’ve been lurking for a while if that helps matters)
What about if you’re new and CANADIAN, like I am? We’re basically the New Zealand of the Western Hemisphere.
No, Newfoundland is the New Zealand of the Western Hemisphere. Canada is more like the Australia of Oceania.
Whoops ocean, no duh. Am i doing this right? HI!
All the posts in this thread should look something like this one.
“Women be shopping” -Jeff Dunham.
I am definitely doing it right.
“I wonder how Brett bangs?” -the world
“like dogshit.” – Olivia Munn
so is this still for new commenters or are we just going to continue to make inside jokes and up vote the same people over and over again?
Even with this direct invitation from Gabe my first instinct is to read obsessively through the entire comment thread (as usual), laugh at everyone’s amazing wit (as usual) and decide it’s probably just better to sit down and keep watching from the sidelines after all (DEFINITELY as usual). Shygum!
I’m a member of Shygum too, saraspot. Very quiet high fives for us!
I read everything on this site every single day and I only comment once every six months. At least it’s satisfying to watch everybody else being smart and sassy.
First rule of Shygum is you do not talk about Shygum… because public speaking in front of a crowd of facetacos and huckabeasts makes us very very nervous!
Aww, I kinda want to be a member of the Shygum that we do not talk about because we do not talk about Shygum, though I think I really should just be a member of AlwaysLateToThePartyGum.
With over 100 comments and the majority being regular monsters, does that make me the 1%? Is this post an occupy videogum campsite now?
Munn and Ratner both sound like gross sexual things, I guess because they are?
I for one am incredibly glad the penis picture got removed before I got on here this afternoon. Sitting in a school library computer lab completely surrounded by people walking around looking for open computers or friends is not the ideal place for a surprise penis picture to show up. I already got plenty of grief last week from a GIF of a horse getting decapitated.
I POST WHERE I WANT I DON’T RATTLE
We did it guys!!! We got Brett Ratner fired from the Academy Awards!!! Hooray!!!
(that is what we were trying to accomplish here, right?)
Love, physical attraction and mutual respect shared between two men is for fags.
Love, physical attraction, and a mutual respect shared between two grown men is for fags.
Whoops. Double post. I’m still new.
Everyone! You’re doing great! Love ya! I never have anything funny to say! But I get lots of ROFLcopters!
Also, I totes forgot the replying feature was busted on this post, so my comment about missing out on shenanigans was in regards to Mr. Hausfrau’s comment re: all the dicks on the face, because what?
While you’re at it, feel free to check out my site ThisWasAVeryImportantFact [dot] com.
[Disclaimer! Not an actual site... to my knowledge.]
Wish this was here when I was commenting…
I know I’m like a hundred years late to this party, but I had a busy week and am just now catching up on all the VGum and wanted to say A+++ Sliders reference! Hahaha! Made me spittake my orange juice.
That is all.
Who the fuck is Brett Ratner?