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Gabe: so, i know that you read this, because you sent me the link
Gabe: but they are remaking the Left Behind books into movies
Gabe: again
Gabe: in hollywood this is called a “reboot”
Kelly: Yes, but it’s going to be more like an action movie now?
Kelly: Like a disaster movie
Gabe: hopefully
Gabe: we can only hope
Gabe: you know, we’ve never talked about this before so i don’t even know
Gabe: are you a fundamentalist christian?
Gabe: who believes in the rapture?
Kelly: I go back and forth about it.
Gabe: how about today?
Gabe: where are you at on this today?
Kelly: Today yeah, no, today I am kind of feeling like the rapture is going to happen
Kelly: But no one is going to be taken into heaven? We’re all going to be left behind. And it’s not going to be noticeable.
Kelly: It’s complicated.
Gabe: look, good luck with whatever the hell you are even talking about
Gabe: anyway
Gabe: the rapture is a weird thing to make a movie about
Gabe: sorry if i just blew your mind
Kelly: Yes it is
Kelly: Even as far as movies go
Gabe: it’s basically apocalypse porn
Gabe: there are other movies that are also apocalypse porn
Gabe: like roland emmerich movies
Gabe: but this brand of apocalypse porn is all about people being PUNISHED
Kelly: Yeah. Without any self-reflection on the part of the movie-maker.
Kelly: I assume
Gabe: hahaha
Gabe: kelly
Gabe: never assume
Gabe: it makes you an asshole
Gabe: or whatever
Gabe: is that the expression?
Gabe: it makes you and me assholes?
Kelly: Hahah yes
Kelly: I’m almost positive that that is the expression
Kelly: Just like I am almost positive that these movies aren’t about otherwise good people not getting sucked into Heaven
Kelly: And having to deal with THAT
Gabe: everyone is obviously entitled to their beliefs
Gabe: OBVS
Gabe: but it’s a whole other thing to turn those beliefs into a movie
Gabe: i mean, i almost wish the rapture would happen
Gabe: just so that the people who believe in the rapture
Gabe: would a) shut up about it
Gabe: and b) shut up about it
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: Gabe do you think you’d be raptured
Gabe: uh, no
Kelly: Oh come on
Gabe: no way, man
Gabe: not gonna happen
Kelly: I guess if we’re going about a god that is going to HAVE The Rapture maybe she wouldn’t pick you
Gabe: WHOA, kelly
Gabe: god is a MAN
Gabe: everyone knows that
Kelly: ahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahaha
Kelly: AHAAHHAHaAHhahahahahahah
Kelly: Don’t make me laugh.
Kelly: Like you just did.
Gabe: he is a man with a big old beard
Gabe: and big hands that scoop you up
Gabe: no homo
Kelly: First of all DEFINITELY homo
Gabe: no no
Gabe: god hates that stuff
Kelly: Seems like he likes it
Gabe: the thing that is weird about these movies
Gabe: is like, ok, you believe in the rapture
Gabe: most of that belief has to stem from your other belief
Gabe: which is that you’re on the right side of this thing
Gabe: because if you believe otherwise, then yikes
Gabe: so, if you believe that the rapture is real and that you’re on your way
Gabe: isn’t the whole idea that you managed to escape the nightmare
Gabe: that was going to be left over?
Gabe: so why do you want to see a movie about THAT?
Gabe: first of all, it’s mean, and it hurts my feelings, as someone who’s not going to be raptured
Gabe: second of all, it seems pretty unchristian to relish in the suffering of others
Kelly: Yeah. I guess maybe the assumed or suggested, at least, audience would have to be people that are right now going to be left on earth
Kelly: That are going to be saved when they go see this rapture movie
Kelly: Because maybe they thought it was a different action movie?
Kelly: Because yes otherwise
Kelly: It’s ONLY you watching people suffer while you float to heaven
Gabe: ok, so the idea is that you’re going to see this movie and be like “time to make some lists!”
Gabe: “really need to turn my life around”
Kelly: hahah yes
Kelly: Oh jeeze I didn’t realize it’d be like THAT
Gabe: right
Gabe: “that DOES look bad”
Gabe: of course, the movies are going to be kind of low budget
Gabe: so it won’t actually look THAT bad
Gabe: “Yikes. So much terrible green screen after the rapture!”
Kelly: Hahah
Kelly: “The lighting is terrible when all the Christians are taken away.”
Kelly: I would be interested to ask the people making the movie
Kelly: What their objective is
Kelly: Do you think that interview exists anywhere, that seems like a pretty obvious question
Gabe: you should call them
Gabe: they’re probably in the phone book
Gabe: look, brad pitt is not in the movie
Gabe: you can probably call every single person involved in this movie
Gabe: hit them up on GodChat
Kelly: You’re right. I’m sure I can at least track down their GodMails.
Kelly: I hope they’ll accept an EarthMail from me
Kelly: hahahahaaaaa
Gabe: it’s kind of a catch-22, because I think making a movie about the Rapture is one of the easiest ways to get kicked off the ol’ Rapture Guest List
Gabe: you’re either busted because you focussed on the suffering of others
Gabe: or because god hates SPOILERS
Kelly: Haha, that’s very true. I wonder if they know that? Maybe you should call them too.
Kelly: This movie is also weird
Kelly: Because it says it takes place a few hours after the rapture has happened
Kelly: So I don’t see
Kelly: Or at least I’m INTERESTED to see
Kelly: What the goal is for the people who are left behind?
Kelly: Like
Kelly: Do good deeds in case She does a second sweep?
Kelly: Or is it ONLY them getting their eyeballs eaten by snakes or whatever
Kelly: for two hours
Gabe: well, i’m assuming there’s more than one movie
Gabe: so, it’s not just snakes
Gabe: snakes is like, act 2 of the second movie
Kelly: I guess I jumped the gun, probably at least a flesh-eating disease comes before snakes.
Kelly: My freshman year roommate in college loved the Left Behind series.
Gabe: what year did you graduate from Brigham Young?
Gabe: i don’t remember
Kelly: Gabe PLEASE respect my religious background.
Kelly: At one point she got rid of all of her “secular” music
Kelly: because she said God was upset with her about it.
Kelly: I bet she thought I was going to be left behind
Gabe: “Spin Doctors, OUT.”
Gabe: well, wait, you ARE going to be left behind
Gabe: she was right
Kelly: You’re right but she doesn’t get to decide I’m going to be left behind
Gabe: look, if this thing goes down, i’m sorry to tell you, kelly
Gabe: it’s not a decision
Gabe: she just knew
Gabe: i mean, i didn’t read those books
Gabe: and i still listen to the Spin Doctors
Gabe: but even I know you’re getting left behind
Kelly: Whatever. We’ll see.
Gabe: also, you’re fired.
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Gabe the Spin Doctors weren’t secular, the two princes were God, the one with diamonds in his pockets, and Satan, the one who wants to buy you rockets, and the song is about choosing God over Satan
And the “badodado-badodadodadodado” part is the signer speaking in tongues.
Lmao
Rmao
“When you saw only one set of footprints in the hallway of the strip mall where the auditions were held, it was because I was carrying you.” — God, Kirk Cameron’s agent.
“I thought it was because you went to get us Subway sandwiches next door.” — Kirk Cameron, God’s #1 client.
Well this seals it. I’m not getting raptured.
Actually, this Seventh Seals it.
History tells us that a lot of God’s #1 clients haven’t fared so well. Maybe these films are Kirk Cameron’s attempt at martyrdom?
I kind of super love this web comic. I just spent a half hour at work reading all 150 of them.
I have read the entire series of Left Behind.
Are you Joe Mande? Were you taking one for the team? Did you write a screenplay? Where do you get your ideas?
I would take one for the team and read them all again. They are bonkers!! Riddled with typos and ridiculous dialog, I still couldn’t put them down.
Bonus fact: I bought them all at a Bible Store at an Outlet mall. For all your discount bible needs?
I own the DVDs.
I also own the DVDs and they don’t do the books justice at all. I am actually happy that they are rebooting this franchise! ugh, what is wrong with me?
I only read like the first half of the first book due to my Christian friend’s insistence, but do they ever straight up go to war with the Anti-Christ and his forces guns a-blazing? Or is it all cheeks a-turning and hugs?
The Rapture with Mimi Rogers and David Duchovny is actually a good rapture movie. Might even be a top five rapture movie! The whole film, from concept to pacing, is just very strange and unlike anything else I’ve seen.
YES. That is an amazing movie and everyone should drop everything to see it right now. It was written and directed by the writer of The Player, so that should sweeten the pot.
Perhaps I can unsweeten the pot with a little Deep Impact and Changing Lanes…
Actually the movie looks like strange, silly fun, and I am honestly intrigued.
the point of the rapture movie is for the people who already know for certain that they are going to be raptured, they can look at this as validation of their beliefs. they can look at it and go “ahhhhh? see? we are definitely choosing the right faith action.” etc.
If I was Christian and the rapture happened I think I would be kind of gloaty and douchy as people got sucked into the sky around me. I would definitely rub it in and throw out more than a few “I told you so’s” to the panicked heathens.
Then I would go and find an empty mansion to live in and fill it with giant TVs and XBOXs from all the abandoned homes. My 10 acre backyard would be entirely carpeted with trampolines. I would drive around a different one of Jerry Seinfeld’s cars every day of the week.
The only television stations left after the apocalypse would be Fox News and CBS (making a blind guess here – I’ve never seen a CBS show), and I would fucking love it. Tim Tebow would be the president of the United States. Bible Study would be a college major. Professional sports would basically remain intact. Thanking God for those good plays pays off.
Anyway, why are people so intent on making predictable disaster porn? Make a movie about a post apocalyptic world inhabited by only a hand full of the cookiest Christians. Now THAT I would pay to see.
But this story all rests on the opening assertion that you are a Christian, so you would be in Heaven, too. SO NO TV’S, NO SEINFELD CARS, NO MANSIONS AND XBOX’S AND ALL THE REST FOR YOU. NONE OF IT.
I hope you burn in hell for putting apostrophes in the plural form of TV and Xbox. Looks like in your English class, somebody …. (puts on sunglasses) … got LEFT BEHIND!!!!
SSSSKKKKKRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Meet tha new boss – (guitar action) – etc
Geez, you made me skim that whole Wikipedia article on rapture.
OK, so I think I understand it now. The Christians go to heaven while everyone whose name isn’t written in the book of life dies in a lake of fire. Then, when all the Buddhists and homosexuals are dead and it’s safe, God plops all of us good folks back down in Tennessee or wherever we reside, and THEN I start living the dream with all the fancy stuff that was Left Behind. Also, there is this part in the fantasy where we are all bored and stuck in heaven while the heathens are being purged, and I say something witty like, “Is this heaven or purgatory? I wants my flatscreens!”
not sure I can abide that insolent tone
I know this is all jokes, but honestly the number one goal of evangelical christians is to convert people. They use things like these books (and now movies) as conversion tools – to scare people into becoming born-again.
They are literal about the bible, and I suppose if I was uneducated and honestly believed that the bible was literal I would also want to save everyone around me*
*no I wouldn’t
Ostensibly it is in support of conversion but thats not the real goal, which is just validation. “Oooh look at this movie that validates and illustrates my bullshit. Yay.” Trust me.
“We beg to differ, Gabe. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs AND entitled to spend a lot of their own money on making a movie about those beliefs which no one will actually see.” – The guys that made that horrible Atlas Shrugged movie
Also, Adam Sandler, who believes his friends are funny.
A movie everyone would see “CATlas Snugged”. It’s about a cat. Who is snuggly. “THREE HOURS?!! Well, okay. I guess that cat is snuggly. Money well spent.” – every audience member
Any yall ever see the very Jesusy end times movie Megiddo: The Omega Code 2? Pretty rad movie. Just kidding.
I saw the Omega Code 1 and my mind was so blown I didn’t have enough mind left for Part 2. From writing to acting, to well-done explosions and underlying ideas, that movie was just a special, special effort.
not sure I saw the first one
the second one has that guy “Basil” from the austin powers movies. plus they refer to latin american leaders as “the latins” which is awesome
That sounds like a gang. The 18th Street Latins. The Rapture Latins. Satan’s Latins.
If you think about it, Gummo is a kind of end times left behind type of movie. So is Michael Haenke’s (sp?) White Ribbon movie. In fact, Gummo and White Ribbon could make a hella rad double feature for the christians to watch and discuss at a church retreat.
So, having grown up pretty religious, I actually read these books in Middle School. I only read the first few, and from what I can remember, it’s actually about how a group of people accept the Christian faith after the rapture, and… go around telling other people what’s happening? It gets fuzzy.
There are a couple (more than a couple) problems here though. First off, if the rapture happens, there probably aren’t going to be a lot of folks scratchin’ their heads while the moon turns to blood. It’s gonna be pretty obvious. “Huh, I wonder where all the Christians went all at once?” – Nobody, after the Rapture.
Second, if you make a Rapture movie with conversion as the goal, all discussion of “God’s love” goes out the window. The religion a Rapture movie proposes is a religion based only on fear. Nothing else. You become a Christian because you are scared of an angry God.
So, like, what’s the goal of the post-rapture conversion, though? Is there some sort of “last call” concept to this theory of end times? Is the heavenly reward of the second-wavers somehow less awesome than the reward of the raptureds? And, like, what about all the babies born post-rapture? Even if they do everything right, they’ll just be automatically doomed to whatever sloppy seconds God, in her infinite wisdomI’mwithyouKelly, decides to give them?
Well, the idea is that the rapture rewards the Christians that believed based on faith alone – and then saves them from the torture of living through the End Times (the tribulation, the plagues, the 4 horsement, the anti-christ, the mark of the beast etc.).
People can still become born-again after the rapture and they are saved from an eternity in hell, but they have to live and die in some pretty bad circumstances on earth.
Um, and this is pretty weird – even after Jesus returns to earth for the final battle against Satan (where he throws him in a pit for 1000 years – and only 1000 years so we have to do this again in the future) there are STILL PEOPLE THAT DON’T BELIEVE. For Pete’s sake, how much evidence do you need?
Anyways – everyone should these books. They are insane!
So those babies are definitely screwed, then.
I am not sure if I have told you all this, but I have a friend who grew up believing that a) the rapture was imminent, and b) she was going to be left behind. So she grew up with rapture preparedness plans which, because she was like seven, were not very good (no offense, friend!). I believe that stealing a car and driving her younger siblings to Florida featured. She didn’t know there were people who didn’t believe in the rapture until she was 19. It was the funniest and saddest story I ever heard.
tl;dr the rapture line of thinking really can fuck people up and makes me angry.
“She didn’t know there were people who didn’t believe in the rapture until she was 19″
I wouldn’t have believed that a few years ago, but going out into the world has shown me that there are people who aren’t even aware that there are other religions in the world, not to mention their belief that the world is only a couple thousand years old. As a biology major, that kind of stuff blows my mind, and unfortunately those are the people that show up to vote every year.
At least, now that she’s grown up, she can put those rapture plans to good use as zombie survival plans, like a rational adult.
The best part about the Rapture is that while many of the more annoying people in the world are going to get sucked up into the sky, all their nice stuff is also “Left Behind.” I’m going have so much awesome stuff.
You know, Gabe & Kelly’s discussion about The Rapture really got me thinking. Remember good ol’ King Solomon in The Bible, the Jewish portion? And remember how he tricked dem bitches and said he was going to cut the baby in half (clever girl), and the super bitch was like “Sounds good to me” and the other lady was like, “I would hate to see a beautiful baby slaughtered so that bitch over there can take it.” And Solomon was all, “Well played. I see you cared enough about this baby that you didn’t want it slaughtered” (was I really taught this story as a child? also, this story makes no sense and can’t possibly be true).
Anyhow, here’s my point: maybe on the day of The Rapture God will summon The Redeemed into a Heavenly waiting room and He’ll be all, “Good job, you guys. Welcome to Heaven. You guys obviously deserve to be here, and obviously everyone on Earth belongs in Hell where they will suffer eternally. As your first reward, let’s all watch The Sinners get punished together.” And as The Redeemed watch The Reckoning on TV, God says, “Just one more thing. Can I have the following people stand-up.” And he proceeds to read a very long list and he says: “Ok, here’s the deal: what you’ve just been watching isn’t real. No one’s been sent to Hell. Not yet. I was testing you to see if you delighted in the pain of others and reveled in your own self-righteousness. If you did, you are standing up right now, and I’m afraid we’re going to have to send you somewhere to work on your character. To the rest of you: congratulations! You made it.”
I mean, God has to be at least as wise as the wisest man, right?
Wise guy, eh?
“The Bible – The Jewish Portion” – Kirk Cameron’s name for the Torah
One of my favorite things is a company called Eternal Earthbound Pets. It’s run by atheists who guarantee, if you pay them $135, to take care of your pet after you are raptured. Win win win.
Did they steal their idea from After The Rapture Pet Care? Total Left Behinder thing to do.
http://videogum.com/114981/down_the_after_the_rapture_pet/webjunk/
I love this Gabe and Kelly series. I love this blog. I love all of you Monsters. Ok I’ve had a couple of cocktails.
Mom?
Kelly?
Herman Cain?
Me?
I love a good Brigham Young University joke–absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE. Nevertheless, I’d like to point out–as someone who grew up 10 minutes from BYU–that I only had one friend growing up that read the Left Behind books. Ironically, that friend was the first of my friends to admit he’s atheist…right before he started going to church to get cheaper tuition at BYU. Oh, the tangled webs, right?
But I don’t think Mormons subscribe to the rapture theory… Am I wrong, Mormons? Come on, I won’t tell your Pastor that you read this blog!
Ugh. As a Christian, I feel so discouraged and misrepresented when movies (or books, or whatnot) like these are made. Just… ugh. I feel like I need to apologize for this crap. So, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I really am.
As a former Christian, I totally get that feeling of embarrassment. Because… Christianity is embarrassing. God will forgive you for being what he made you if you can suppress your healthy skepticism enough to believe Jesus rose from the dead? But God “hardens” some people’s hearts against repentance just so he can show off his power (Exodus 4:21, Romans 9: 16-24)?
It’s 2011. We know there was never an Adam & Eve. There was no fall from grace. All those stories about Jesus performing miracles and being born of a virgin and rising from the dead – that stuff was ripped off from earlier Hellenic myths (so much so that some early Christians believed Satan planted those Greek myths in the past so that people would doubt Jesus). The gospels were written not by eyewitnesses; at best they came 30 or 40 years after the events they described. Based on a few decades of the telephone game. If adults today can swallow Scientology, of course people in a Roman province in 70 C.E. could swallow the Jesus myths.
Most Christians don’t actually care whether or not it’s true. They just like the benefits: community, a sense of purpose, etc. I’m just saying that you can have love, wonder, grace and meaning without faith. But to be a crusader, or an inquisitor, or a homophobe, or to believe that hellfire awaits anyone who doesn’t accept their own “sinfulness” and buy into the fairy tales you happened to grow up with – that kind of misanthropy takes faith. I can tell from your posts that you’re not that kind of awful Christian, so thank you; no need to apologize for the moronic ones. But I don’t think they’re misrepresenting Christianity, unless you’ve adopted a new, Jeffersonian Christianity that omits all the human pettiness and superstition.
LOLZ, “Satan planted it.” Christianity’s default defense. That and “It doesn’t count ‘back there.’”
I never said I was embarrassed. “Discouraged and misrepresented” is what I typed up there. I will NEVER be embarrassed to say that I am a follower of Jesus Christ!
(exclamation point added for effect)
That being said, I appreciate those paragraphs you wrote. It seems like you’ve given much thought and put much time into your religious views, though I disagree with many of your historical claims and the conclusions you’ve drawn. Obviously, we don’t see eye to eye on what the Bible says, among other things.
If we’re both seeking truth, we’ll find it. Perhaps we’ll meet each other there.
But I don’t think I’ve adopted a “new Jeffersonian Christianity” as you put it. And I do believe some of these people are misrepresenting real Christianity.
My main beef with them is that the Rapture is not really in the Bible. There are a few verses that mention the dead being raised and “brought up” to heaven (not those still alive like in the Left Behind books). One of the big themes of the Bible (especially in the book of Revelation) is heaven coming DOWN to earth. It’s pretty clear.
But then again, this is Hollywood, so the books is always better than the movie. ZING!
Irrational Christian Guilt, Meta Edition!
Here’s how that read to me…
St. Peter: God, it’s rapture time.
God: OK, I’ll do it.
God: I’ll need a list of everyone with insurance.
God: And a blue.
God: Phone.
I read that as Left Behind Robots and got really excited. Disappointed now.
make that movie! i saw this 60 min segment once, about this southern baptist minister, who figured out that the real message of the bible was that everyone gets to go to heaven. which, if you think of it, is an interesting idea. the whole christ died for your sins thing means that every single person is guaranteed love and forgiveness and eternal happiness in heaven, no matter what. his church hated that idea so much they fired him. “what do you mean people we don’t like won’t be tortured for all eternity? fuck you” — his church. anyway, you could still make this left behind robots movie, which would be that all the humans got raptured, and all the robots are left behind, and at first they’re sad, but then they have giant robot raves and juggalo festivals and stuff.
I once tried to defend thirtysomething against a raging Gabe and I was flamed to holy hell. There are actual Christians in here defending, you know, Christianity and everyone’s all tolerant and stuff. I don’t get you people.
“I don’t get you people” = the embodiment of tolerance.