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Wahlburgers, the hamburger restaurant opened by Mark and Donnie Wahlberg, is finally OPEN FOR BUSINESS! Last night’s opening night was a star-studded gala event including such celebrities as Mark Wahlberg and Donnie Wahlberg. Also their mother. And apparently Anderson Cooper. And from the looks of this picture, Lance Armstrong or something? It’s hard to say. Let’s just assume that that’s Lance Armstrong because it’s way more fun to assume that than to figure out who it really is. Anyway, the restaurant is full of wonderful background stories that people will be telling their families about over the next 100 years of eating there. Like this one:
“This is in the spirit of the family,” said Donnie Wahlberg, referencing a menu that includes a Triple Decker. (“Like the house we grew up in.”)
Cook what you know. There is also a reality TV show in the works, maybe, and the child’s menu includes an item called the “smahlburger.” It’s called fine dining. Sam Sifton said it’s a poem to burgerness. I love this restaurant so much. It’s called Wahlburgers! It’s a burger restaurant opened by Mark and Donnie Wahlberg. Say hello to your STOMACH for me. (I hope McDonald’s doesn’t sue me, but I’m lovin’ THIS.)
Caption this photo from the opening night of Wahlburgers, the hamburger restaurant opened by Mark and Donnie Wahlberg. Winner will receive special SAUCEMENT (there we go) in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. (Photo via FilmDrunk.)
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FIRST!
Upon learning that Anderson Cooper had dined there, Wahlburgers was immediately shut down for health code violations.
I’m just waiting for Jon Hamm and Mary Steenburgen to jump on the bandwagon.
Hamm & Buble created that bandwagon.
So…wait…I’m confused. The house they grew up in had three decks? What does anyone need with three decks?
The Biter #WahlburgersBurgers
I’d like one I Heart Huckabeef combo please.
The Other Fries
Andersoon Cooper was there to explore some new ground, after it was revealed that he’s never tasted beef before.
Looks like it’s wahl to wahl celebrities in there.
“Alright; which one of you stole the Kevin Bacon off my Wahlburger?”
“Can I get a side of Six Degrees of Separation sauce? Thanks”
Wait till they get a load of my Dirk Diggler brand mashed potatoes and the special sauce surprise found in those aforementioned mashed potatoes
Wahlburgers, where the owner wears a backwards baseball cap opening night
And doesn’t get his burger on a bun.
Imagine Wahl the burgers
I couldn’t if I tried
Dining with Anderson Cooper
Fecal strep-covered fries
Every Sunday they feature the Funky Brunch.
Bah!
Donnie Darko
Donnie Marko
Gah!
Wah!
This is a Perfect Storm of comments I hate myself.
Including sausage, eggs, and Planet of the Crepes
and at night they offer $2 shooters.
Too obvious? Too obvious.
It’s where you get Food Vibrations.
Forget opening night, I’m waiting for the Funky Brunch.
The idea of a Funky Brunch is too hilarious a visual picture to be upset we made the same joke within seconds of each other.
I’m not upset, YOUR FACE IS UPSET!
I will dine here as soon as I’m finished shopping at Sarah McLachlan’s Ceramic Clock Land
She just opened Scented Candle Forest on the other side of the mall, too. Over by OK Go’s fitness club.
I hear they hired everyone from Tom Waits’ Waitsstaff
I’m sorry it closed but in retrospect “Tom Waits for No Man” was a confusing slogan
looks like a happening place!
Does anyone else notice that the guy at the end of the table decided to pass on a burger and just stick with a salad?
At least it was a Whaldorf salad. … I’ll see myself out…
Not to be outdone, Billy and Stephen plan to open a hat store titled BaldWIN.
I guess the empty plate at the head of the table is for Elijah.
Oh shoot that was tonight, Wilfred why didn’t you skype me that I was dining with the Wahlbergs tonight
It’s for Kirk Cameron.
Occupy Wahl-Burgers.
Opening night was followed by the Funky Brunch the next day.
With the raging success of their first establishment the two brothers began phase two of their business plan: A chain of drugstores called “Wahlgreens” and a chain of superstores called “The Superstore From Two Brothers Named Mark and Donnie”
“This is in the spirit of the family,” said Donnie Wahlberg, referencing the lack of any other tables or patrons besides his immediate family. (“Like the house we grew up in.”)
Pictured: The Kitchen Staff
Pictured reverse clockwise: Mark Wahlberg, Mark Wahlberg’s mother, Anderson Cooper, Packy Sullivan (Mark Wahlberg’s golf caddy), Walter White (Cambridge Edition) and some sort of eyeless lizard.
The eyeless lizard is named Fitzy.
“Anderson Cooper Has Dinner At Wahlburgers” sounds like a “You Can Make It Up.” Worlds Been Had Colliding.
They don’t pump ketchup. They only pump positive vibes.
You might even call them Good Vibrations?
“Donnie Wahlberg? Never heard of him.” -Donnie Wahlberg’s mother
Burger Nights.
(Too obvious? Unsavory associations with meat that’s been adulterated and performances that were sweaty and undercooked?)
Melissa Leo was last seen with dyed red pigtails, muttering something about “getting into character” while clutching a chocolate Frosty.
Ben Stiller scraps plans for new vegetarian restaurant ‘Greenburgers.’
Larry David renews his plans for Assburgers the burger chain with extra cheese and beef and stuff
instead choosing to open a safari called “Zoolan…”
I’m sure you saw that one coming from a mile off anyways.
Other menu items include:
Mixed Greens (“Like the carpets in our house”)
Potato Chips (“Marky’s favorite childhood snack”)
Skinny Fries (“Like Christian Bale”)
Just glad they rename the rooftop bar Roofies whenever it’s Ladies’ Night.
Sure Wahlburgers is The New Kids on the Block but we have a The Sixth Sense it will be The Happening place for people looking for The Perfect
StormDate Night. Accept no The Substitute! This Band of Brothers is Invincible!! The Big Hit! etc.“When you’re here, you’re a creepy violent douchebag… You know, family.
“This is in the spirit of the family,” said Donnie Wahlberg, “That’s why Mark financed the whole thing and introduced me to the manager to audition for the grillman.”
“Are you eyeing my lemon drink?”
I’d like to hear a caption from I Heart Huckabeast
That was not a reply blaaarg
“If this $6 Burger costs $10, why are we calling it The $6 Burger?”
but is it kosher?
After I finished ordering, Mark asked me what I wanted to drink. I said a Coke. Then he made a farting noise with his mouth and said “What’s the matter, smartass, you don’t wanna try the fuckin’ shakes here?”
I own this restaurant. Nawt you, nawt you and nawt you.
is it just me or is there a row of chairs blocking an entrance in the background?
Maybe they had to barricade out the masses of wahlburger die-hards and anderson cooper fans so they could enjoy a savoury meal in peace.
Mark Wahlberg introduces Anderson Cooper to beef, says hello to his own mother.
“You know what this place needs? MORE BAKED CLAMS!”
Come to Wahlburgers and try out “Wicked Pissah” special sauce.
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Sorry, Mark and Donny, but I’m holding out for George Micheal’s new restaurant Wham!Burger.
Haha. Mark’s Wahlburger doesn’t even have a bun.
#healthyliving #southbeach #atkins #lowcarb #late1990s
This place is about a minute away from my house. I should go take pictures of it so you can see how weird of a location it’s in.
It took me an hour to get it but that “say hello to your STOMACH” line killed me!
I need some sleep.
Wat, a sproat?