You used to be able to count on things in life. Even the most simple things — the changing of the seasons, for example — occurring again and again could provide some sort of comfort in an otherwise unreliable, fluctuating world. Spring would eventually turn to winter, old people would die, books would be made of paper, and Harry Potter DVDs would remain available for purchase. Each a once-reliable fact of life that we all took for granted, and now look. The seasons are all melding into one unrecognizable garbage season, death has been all but abolished, books are made of computers, and at the end of this year Harry Potter DVDs and Blu-Rays will no longer be on the shelves. I can almost hear the loose threads holding it all together finally coming undone. “Chk-chk-errrr-rrrrrrraaccshh” is what it sounds like. From The Hollywood Reporter:
Warner Bros. said Monday that it plans to stop shipping Harry Potter DVDs and Blu-ray Discs to retailers at the end of the year. The move, which is clearly intended to boost sales of the biggest box office franchise of all time, will take effect as of Dec. 29.
Warners said it will stop shipping all titles, including box sets and special and limited editions. That includes the final title in the franchise, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, which hits stores Nov. 11, as well as Harry Potter: The Complete 8-Film Collection.
But what if you were planning on having your New Year’s resolution be to buy every Harry Potter Blu-Ray in the week after January 1st? What if you get into the series because someone buys you all the books for Christmas/Hanukkah and then you want to buy all of the Blu-Rays and you can’t even wait, you need them right GD now because you want to see if they did it the way you pictured it and you don’t want to forget how you pictured it? What if other things? Warner Brothers offers no solutions to these problems, of course, typical Warner Brothers. So as a Harry Potter expert, just kidding, I don’t know anything about Harry Potter, but as a LIFE expert, just kidding, that one is an even bigger just kidding, I’ve taken it upon myself to put together a few to help out anyone in need.
Buy All of the DVDs and Blu-Rays Right Now
The most obvious solution, so I thought I’d put it up front. Definitely buy them all right now just in case, even if you don’t really care for Harry Potter. Who knows where you’ll be on December 29? You can’t say, really! No one can. We all know how things can change. People can change. Promises once made sincerely can be broken in an instant and it’s never anyone’s fault except for in some cases when it is totally someone’s fault. Maybe you’ll even be dead? Then, if your dead, you can:
In Your Will, Leave Your Harry Potter DVDs and Blu-Rays To Someone Who Doesn’t Have Them Yet
They won’t be brand new, so it’s definitely kind of a shitty thing to give someone, but you’ll be dead anyway so who cares. If you don’t have anyone to leave them to (if everyone you know owns every Harry Potter movie on Blu-Ray and DVD), write something in your will about someone you know standing in the DVD section of a Wal-Mart with a fake Wal-Mart uniform on and when someone asks for a Harry Potter DVD/Blu-Ray that is not in stock, that person gives them your Harry Potter DVD/Blu-Ray. Ooohh and write a note in it about how if they’re reading this that means you are dead, that would be the best.
Medically Induced Coma
Go into a medically induced coma beginning on December 29 until whenever they’re back on the shelves for good. First check to see what you will be missing in your life if you do this. Do you have tickets to something? Plane tickets to somewhere? Shows to watch? Weddings to attend? Deal with these things first if yes.
Stock up on Harry Potter DVDs and Blu-Rays and Sell Them at a Higher Cost Online
People will clearly be going nuts about buying Harry Potter DVDs and Blu-Rays once the planned shortage is in full effect. Sell them for a billion dollars and get rich quick, no doy.
Make Your Own Harry Potter Movies
This is the most fun option. First, write the scripts. You are the writer and do not let ANYONE give you notes about what goes on in your Harry Potter movies. So what if things don’t make sense? Do WIZARDS make sense? No. These are your movies and everything happens the way you say. Do you have a friend who has a nice camera? If yes, hire them to film the movie for no money. You are the star in the movie. Watch these movies until you forget that there is any other kind of Harry Potter movie.
Eternal Sunshine Harry Potter From Your Brain
Eternal Sunshine Harry Potter from your brain.
Pretend You Are Harry Potter And Your Life Is His Life
If you’re Harry Potter, why do you even need to own DVDs and Blu-Rays of your own life? You’re living it now, hellooooooo. Every day is a new movie and a new adventure. Draw a lightening bolt on your head and get Harry Potter clothing and then just live, man. Just fucking live.
That’s it! I think that’s enough to get you out of this sales-boosting momentary Harry Potter DVD and Blu-Ray drought. I am deeply sorry for the loss and for how Warner Bros. is offering no support, but as a people we’ve gotten through much worse, like how all of the books are computers now. Remember that and have a wonderful December 29 – ?.