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I’m not sure how Tyra Banks wrote a book without me ever hearing a word about it before today, but apparently Tyra Banks wrote a book! About models! Finally, we can all add another book to our bookshelves in between LA Candy and the spot we’re saving for when the the characters of Gossip Girl write their own novels that get duel publishing in the Gossip Girl world and the real world. And, oh my god, look at the plot of Tyra Banks’ novel. From the Huffington Post:
Modelland follows a girl named Tookie De La Creme who gets invited to attend an elite modeling school called Modelland. It is, as Tyra told Robin Roberts on Good Morning America, “the most exclusive school in the entire world, the school that creates the most amazing supermodels called Intoxibellas.”
Wow that sounds amazing. If I had one complaint, and I don’t, but if I did have one if would only be that the name Modelland gets you there a little too fast. Couldn’t she have thought of a name that sounded anything like a school? Model Prep maybe? But whatever, Tookie De La Creme! I don’t need to hear any more about it, I’m already sold a million times over. Finally a Harry Potter for our generation, ladies. And, just like J.K. Rowling with Harry Potter before her, Tyra has already been approached to turn Modelland into a movie. AND she says, “I would love to open up the `Modelland’ casting to the world — I’m looking for an Everygirl to possibly play one of the characters in the story.” AN EVERYGIRL! THAT COULD BE ANY OF US! Oh my god I hope it is one of us. #birdiefortookie, obviously, but also having any of us in the role would be an honor. BUT HOW IS SHE GOING TO FIND US?
- We Can Try Out For America’s Next Top Model: I’m not sure how tall you have to be to actually get into see Tyra, but I’m 5’2″ and that is CERTAINLY tall enough, I’m pretty sure. If any of you ladies are as tall as I am or maybe even taller (??) that would be great. Once we get in front of the judging panel what we would do is tell her that our name is Tookie De La Creme. She may know what is going on at this point, but in case she doesn’t you say “I’m hear for the audition for the elite modeling school. I’ve brought my smize.” (Something that I didn’t explain is that Tyra has explained in interviews that a “smize” is a thing in the novel and you wear on your eye, and if you find one it increases your chance of getting into the school by 90% — that’s a lot of percent!) By that point you’re in?
- We Can Run Into Her On The Street: I think she lives in LA, so if any of you guys live in LA and want to have us all send our head shots wearing our smizes you can just hand them off to her next time you see her? We can all write why we think we’d be best for the role on the back of our head shots. And instead of head shots they should just be our best Facebook photo printed on resume paper.
- We Get An Agent Or Whatever: I’m not sure how agents work, but maybe we can hire a group agent who can contact her and let her know we’re all interested? I’m sure some of us have at least been in our friends student films and maybe some of us are even very famous. WHO KNOWS? I don’t know your life. But in case you are very famous, can you just ask Tyra if we can be in the movie next time you see her at a fancy party? Give her the URL for this post.
- We Can Ask Ms. Jay: Ms. Jay is probably easier to reach than Tyra at this point and, I don’t know, I’m going to assume he lives in New York.
- E-Mail Her: Guess at a bunch of different email addresses for her but have YOUR email address be some form of Tookie De La Creme. And sign it “Smizing always, Tooks.” I haven’t read the book (yet) but I feel like that’s pretty in tune with the character.
- Write A Follow-Up Novel: And every once in a while say your name instead of Tookie and then get it published and maybe she’ll read it and it’ll be like a subliminal message.
- Start A Vlog About It: Oh definitely this one!!!
- If Not A Vlog, At Least A Series Of YouTube Videos: I understand that starting a vlog has a stigma attached so you don’t have to call it that. But they should all be you reading different sections of the book and playing every character. And then have the videos go viral.
The rest will be Hollywood history. Good luck! I can’t wait for this movie! It’s going to be amazing! I hope Yaya is in it! Remember when she was in The Kids Are All Right?! And it was like what the heck is Yaya doing in this movie?! That was great!
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Getting a role in this movie would make you a famous actress, and we all know that being a famous actress increases your chances of meeting Ryan Gosling by 90%. LADIES!
America’s Next Flop Novel
by Lauren Conrad
“America’s Next Flip-Flop Model,” by Chazztity Bono
I wore one of those magic eye things for a month. Nothing magical happened and in fact, my cholesterol when up and I was tired all the time. You can look for all of this in my new documentary about the whole ordeal called… (wait for it) Super Smize Me.
Isn’t it really cool how when Tyra Banks writes a book it’s just assumed that there’s going to be a movie based on it so that she can make even more money? I literally can’t think of anyone more deserving.
I can.
(i reposted my own dumb photoshop from mobfd, is that okay?? still figuring it out here let me know srsly plz tytytyty)
My follow-up novel is going to be called Doucheteria, and it’s about the world’s most exclusive business school, which is right across the street from Modelland. It produces the assholiest businessmen (called Unlikeabros). The protagonist, Travie McCoy, will spend the majority of the novel talking into his bluetooth headset about a planned panty raid on Modelland. At the end, everybody dies. All of them. Even Tyra.
I just love that word! Doucheteria!
She doesn’t want an everygirl to STAR in it, Kelly! She just said it’s going to be one of the characters! Probably the homeless lady that the girls give a makeover to, thereby turning her life around for the better.
Ladies, cue the Rockyesque montage*. I’m going in!
*I presume this means running up some stairs and then watching the entirety of Models, Inc. on repeat.
We can make very good limericks
There once was a beautiful femme
A model named “Tookie de la creme”
She was surrounded by fellas
A real smizin’ “Intoxibella”
And…waitasecond. Tookie de la Creme???? Are you fucking serious? That’s her name? Sorry, that’s just…who the heck is going to read past the first paragraph? The kind of person that will read a whole novel about a human being, not a hideous poodle, named Tookie de la Creme…I just…I mean, I don’t want to live on a planet with that person. I can’t even…I mean how do you?
Sorry. Sorry. Off track Back to the Limerick.
Uhhhh..something something a shimmering Gem!
Who’s going to play Tookie, Hans? We need to know.
this sounds like the plot for an Italian language cartoon for little girls. “This fall on Rai Due! La Intoxibella!”
“Tookie De La Creme”?
Uh, I mean…
I’m going to keep reading it as “Cookie De La Creme,” no one can stop me.
And I am going to keep reading it as Dookie de la Creme, because I am immature. (Yeah I started that sentence with a coordinating conjunction, come at me bros.)
We can all agree Tookie De La Creme is a great name, perhaps the greatest, but does anyone find it weird that she chose to name her character after the guy who founded the Crips?
you should put ****spoilers****** on your post, you don’t find out that Tookie De La Creme is Tookie Williams post-sex change til the sixth chapter
Clearly her email address is smize@aol.com. (Gotta be AOL, as all celebrities love AOL.)
Oh, and who wants to place the over/under on Tyra playing the role of Tookie De La Creme because no one will ever be able to capture the ‘every girl’ as much as Tyra can.
Kelly’s Christmas gift! I hope she’s not reading this.
Remember when Justin Timberlake was going to write a book about an aspiring basketball player named Justin Woodriver? No? Well, I’ll NEVER forget! http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,280825,00.html
Justin, please stop acting and go back to book writing.
Never forget.
man, whoever ghost-wrote this must literally be laughing all the way to the bank. it’s a miracle they were even able to say “Tookie de la Creme” in the pitch meeting with a straight face.
I have before me two novelists. Tyra Banks and Nicholas Sparks.
I have one page in my hand. And on that page is the name of the writer who will continue on in hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Novelist.
Good title, Tyra!
“Modeling and…?”
Today, we are all Tookie De La Creme.
INT. MODELLAND MODELING ACADEMY
Tookie De la Creme enters hallway filled with beautiful yet unwelcoming models.
ALOOF MODEL 1
(Dismissively) Look, It”s the new girl.
ALOOF MODEL 2
(Sarcastically) Hey Tookie, why do they call you Tookie De La Creme?
Tookie takes off glasses and lets her hair down, looks straight into the camera.
TOOKIE DE LA CREME
Because I’m delicious!
-Fin-
I would bet my entire collection of smizes she doesn’t realize that increasing your chances by 90% probably still won’t get you into the most exclusive school in the entire world.
I mean, it would get you from 1 in a million to 1.9 in a million, for example.
“She was an old model (36?) who lived alone in a fantasyland and she had gone eighty-four hours now without being photographed. In the first forty hours a personal assistant with no self esteem had been with her. But after forty hours the assistant’s parents had told him the old girl was now definitely desperado, which is the worst form of crazy. It made the personal assistant sad to see the old model come in each day with her soul empty.”
Hey you guys, hey, hey, they should get Fred Durst to cameo and then he does something heroic and someone says “Hey Fred, why did you do that heroic thing?” and he can say “I did it all for the Tookie.”
Maybe Wes Borland could be there somewhere as well, I dunno.