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Last night was the season premiere of Two and a Half Men, and the first episode in which Ashton Kutcher replaced Charlie Sheen. It was watched by 28 million people. THAT IS SO MANY PEOPLE! That is literally too many people. Some of those people definitely should have been doing something other than watching Two and a Half Men. I mean, hey, you like what you like, and that is no problem, but I am just saying that if 28 million people decided NOT to watch Two and a Half Men and to instead spend that half hour in a concerted effort to make the world a better place, who knows what kind of breakthroughs we might achieve! (Complains the guy who didn’t watch the show because he was too busy making the world a better place by getting way too drunk on overpriced drinks in SOHO on a Monday night for heaven’s sake because his friend was in town as if that makes it better.) Anyway, I’m going to assume that not one single person who reads Videogum actually watched the show last night, which is a wishful and false assumption, but let’s all pretend that we are equally in the dark about what actually happened, and make up captions explaining what this show is even about. (I actually do not even know what it was about when Charlie Sheen was on it. It’s about two kidnappers holding a boy for ransom, yes? But it turns out the boy has progeria and looks like a man? A half man? Good guess!) Something tells me our caption ideas for this show will still be funnier than this show, which is not that big of a deal, because this show is terrible. But still.
Winner will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. WINNING DUH WINNING BUH BYE WINNING TORPEDO!
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“we’re gunna have to clean up all this leftover coke before the half man gets home!”
You’re going to need a bigger toilet.
“We’re gonna need a bigger bloat.”
OMG ,My best friend ,she just has announced her wedding with a millionaire young man Ronald who is the CEO of a MNC !they met via
W’ealthybar.C óM—it is the largest and best club for wealthy people and their admirers to chat online. …you don’t have to be rich there ,but you can meet one , It’s worthy a try. You do not have to be rich or famous. !EEEe
Yes, my posting and this response are of roughly equal coherency. !EEEe indeed, zhanchang, !EEEe indeed.
Dude where’s my Charlie Sheen?
After years of estrangement, Bert returns to find that Ernie needs him now more than ever.
awww. that is super cute. i can just see Bert having some mental breakdown after <a href="http://videogum.com/351531/you-can-make-it-up-bert-and-ernie-get-divorced/franchises/you-can-make-it-up/their falling out and going off to live in Thailand and becoming one of those new age goofballs and sure, they hadn't talked in a long time, but once he heard what happened to Rubber Duckie….
ugh…fuck me! i don’t quite know what happened with that one (ugh That One! always causing problems!) because you should still be able to post links? yes?
anyway, sorry i ruined all the comments. #frown.
Very much along the lines of what I was thinking.
Two & a Half Men: Peter Dinklage is the meat in a man sandwich.
That 70s IQ Show
Hey @Mailman He’s just getting started!!!!!!! BTW he only PLAYED stupid on TV
Two and a Half Men: All the polish without any of the sheen.
Two And A Half Men: A show about dick jokes.
I’m sorry. The craigslist ad specifically said “No Warlocks.”
‘Did I just catch that dude fucking an urn of ashes?’
“What a waste of a good snort!” – Keith Richards
The Dutch junkie from Treme terrorizing One and a Half Men.
HEY! Sonny cleaned himself up man. Cut him some slack!
Eek! A man!
Jon Cryer, as always, inexplicably on the inside looking out.
Two and A Half Men Season Premiere: Welcome Entourage fans.
“Do you know where I can find Anne Heche’s mansion?”
Found it!
Whoa.
HAHAHA! KELSO IS GOING TO MURDER/RAPE YOU! AND YOU WERE SCARED AND DROPPED YOUR DEAD BROTHER’S ASHES! OH! THAT IS GOING TO TAKE SOME VACUUMING! HAHAHAHA! COMEDY!
What’s up with Topher Grace?
Your parents watch this show. A show that consists mostly of crass sex jokes. Now let that sink in for a bit.
My 93-year old grandmother is a fan. Let that sink in down to record lows.
Grandma be trippin’!
A little late, but still a great Snoop Dogg sitcom title
Two and a Half Men: two shitty actors tangentially related to the brat pack take Judd Nelson’s skeleton out for a night of partying in Denver.
Judd Nelson’s skeleton will be played by Judd Nelson:
Kevin Smith lost some weight I see, now he can fit in an airplane seat
Semi-unrelated: If Chuck Lorre were British, would Americans call him “Chuck Truck?”
There’s only one Chuck Truck!
It’s way too late for me to log in here and tell you this is the greatest but oh well.
I never knew Waldo was on that show!
Okay, that’s Duckie, but Andie looks super weird in this remake.
Holy shit! A necrophiliac! I better hide these ashes!
Are you saying Demi Moore is a ZOMBIE?
A man is haunted by the ghost of a handsome but dirty hobo, whom he tries to defeat and send back to hell by destroying his ashes.
I wish they had cast another kid, and renamed the show “Two Men”. It would be fun to watch its audience could puzzle that one out for a while.
It takes longer, even with a chalkboard handy, as the radiation wave technology deployed by this show specifically target the mathematics and humour centres of the brain, popping your neurons like the little star shaped grapes they are.
it would be fun could type grammar more better
Wanna play Six Degrees of Demi Moore? I win.
Two and a Half Men: propagating the myth that Ashton Kutcher is attractive since 2011
HAHA PUNK’D IS ALL, CAN I GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH DUCKIE FROM PRETTY IN PINK? HA HA!
Whenever anyone makes mention of Punk’d, I feel I must remind everyone of this:
*Jon Cryer holds some ashes, praying*
JON: Please let someone take me away from this waking dream that is my life.
*Ashton Kutcher appears at the door*
ASHTON: Did somebody say waking dream? Have I got something for you. DRUGS! WAKKA WAKKA!
*15 minute applause break*
-End Act One-
Wait, did they do another episode written by the staff of CSI? Also, why the hell do I know this?
Really now, everyone knows that Ashton Kutchers are more afraid of you than you are of them!
28 Million People Can Be Wrong
Now cut to the surely ridiculous reaction shot!
“You hear about this? Yeah, apparently Ashton Kutcher is going to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Something something America is going to get Punk’d something something.”-–Leno, probably
Doritos.
NIkon: Zoom into Life!
Two and a Half Men: (FaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAART NOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE)
Kevin James Approved
This is not a caption, but a TRUE STORY!
In class today, my professor said, “I know all you did your homework last night instead of watching Two and a Half Men.”
Then someone was like, “But it’s so funny!!!!!”
And then I was all *GUNSHOT*
This is exactly why I work from home.
The CEO of CBS is your classmate?
THEY FOUND A FERAL CHILD IN THE WOODS IN GERMANY. Well, really, he wandered out of the woods and figured out how to get to Berlin’s city hall and mostly only speaks English and his parents are dead and his teeth look funny but did you know you can go into Wikipedia for like 4 hours and ONLY READ ABOUT FERAL CHILDREN and then you know about the little green children of Wolfham or whatever but those kids were green and holy shit another wolf-boy in our time? And the last recorded actual feral child was in the 70s in the Inland Empire of Southern California (hahahahahaha, meth) but really that story is sad and the kid was neglected. But that’s not the point — the point is that a boy lived in the woods and doesn’t know who he is and his teeth are funny so he’s probably British and if I stay in Wikipedia long enough reading about wolf children I won’t have to read ANYTHING about Charlie Sheen or this show and eventually both will die or get cancelled or go back into their forests of Germany or whatever. Also, I’ve had a lot of coffee today.
Also: Wikipedia is a real place. A place where you can hide from Charlie Sheen and a half man and Duckie and Kelso. Let me know when it’s safe to come back out.
Also: this thread was not supposed to go here. But since I’m here anyway, here is a good link about the German forest teen wolf boy that may also be green: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/germany/8772016/German-forest-boy-is-telling-the-truth-say-police.html
These two comments are hilarious if you picture them without punctuation or capitalization.
OK, that is a fascinating story, but after reading the article it seems he is less of a “feral” child and more of a “plot of the movie Hanna” child.
Badideajeans, I think you’re my favorite person. Ever.
I don’t like that facebook signs in for me. That was supposed to be from librariansti not my real name!
Awww! Thanks! I like you too!
Cyber bartender, more cyber drinks for all my cyber friends!!!
OMG! Jesus is outside my door. Sexy, stupid Jesus.
I remember singing that in school.
Rock Me Sexy Jesus*
* the 2 other people who saw Hamlet 2 are totally lots of loving at that
I’m having a herpes outbreak right now, but you’d never know it. Thanks Herpecol. — Dana Marschz
rather than re-cast the “charlie” character, the redhead maid gets a sex change.
I’m going to Virgin Suicide you!
“BAZOINGA!”
Stabler: You say you didn’t watch 2 1/2 Men last night? Gabe: Naw, man, I was like too busy getting way too drunk on overpriced drinks in SOHO. Stabler: Oh, yeah? What’s your friend’s name? Gabe: You wouldn’t know him — he’s from Canada. Stabler: Well, what was the name of the bar? Gabe: The Gem Saloon? Stabler: You know what I think? I think you don’t have a friend. I think you sat in your little apartment and watched 2 1/2 Men. And I think you liked it.
Stabler? I hardly know ler.
This was MUCH funnier before I hit submit.
Welcome to your joke FAIL, bro
“That homeless man is telepathically stealing my SAND jar!!”
OK, so there I was, wanking at my reflection, then guess what? Ashton Kutcher appeared! Jizz apocalypse, natch.
punchlines now 2 and a half times louder!
“Oh no!! I murdered the wrong guy!!!!!”
Abortion is murder
Ashton: “Goddammit, Jon. You fuckin’ ASSHOLE! It’s always a fuckin’ travesty with you, man! And what the fuck was that shit about Vietnam? What the fuck does ANYTHING have to do with Vietnam? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”
Jon: “Dude, I’m sorry. Fuck it, Kelso, let’s go bowling.”
Didn’t see your Lebowski-themed caption before I posted mine. Great minds?
Plagiaristic minds
“Help! I am a simple man of the ’70s who accidentally time-traveled into the near future! Can I be on your show?”
“I’m also getting payed 2 mill per episode, right?”
I’m upvoting that solely on the principle of its probable accuracy. If votes were based on how delirious with rage something made me, that comment would have already sunk into the Mariana’s Trench of Downvote Ocean
It’s paid not payed, brainiac
“brayniac”
“This show treats objects like women, man!”
alternatively:
“Stay out of Malibu, Ashton! Stay out of Malibu!”
I recognise that first quote…was it in DR and Quinch?
S’right.
“I can’t tell if this is funny without a laugh track”
“It’s a g-g-g-g-ghost!”
Do you see, Ray? Do you see what happens when you fuck Demi Moore up the ass?
Um, I’m here to audition for American idol?
Be cool, guys. All our dads watch this show.
That picture is huge because he is serious.
“whoops my fart”
Ashton Kutcher’s Character: “Meeeoow!”
John Cryer’s Character: “Whooopsies!” **urn holding the remains of the half-man comically fly across the room**
Studio Audience: “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA, HAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHAHAHAH, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!”
**beat**
John Cryer’s Character: “Well, someone’s gonna have to clean that up.”
Studio Audience: “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA, HAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHAHAHAH, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!” **clapclapclapclapclap**
URN THIS.
it’s a shame this came so late. needs more upvotes.
Thanks. I am a few time zones behind. If this caption contest was decided by a round of Late Night Puppy Predictors, I would be the anti-Gary Frick.
Jon Cryer plays Davey, a ten-year-old boy trapped inside the body of a 32-year-old man trapped inside the body of a ten-year-old boy, who accidentally releases a genie, locked up in an urn since the 1970s, into his house while trying to order 100 cheese pizzas.
“Say what you want about Two and Half Men, but it does a great job depicting realistic human behavior.” – sociopaths everywhere
Real men don’t appear on Two and a Half Men.
“Note: Charlie died on the way back to his home planet”
Most of the laughs on this show were cheap, but I feel like this one they really urned.
Sales Department Caption: “Remember, sell the shit out of this season premiere episode because ad rates are gonna drop about 60% starting the following week!”
Ok I fuckin watched it, I admit. You know we have to wait a week to see the Emmys in Australia but Two and a Half men is on within 10 hours?
Oh and there was a cameo by Dharma and Greg, totally relevant, im sure all the kids thought it was totally rad!
No I don’t have any excuses for watching it either sorry people.
This show is a bi-winner
Is this the sign-up sheet for the official Two and a Half Men caption contest?
Fool me once, sheen on you; fool me twice, KUTCHER on me.
“Ashes to ashes, men to men to me-”
-Charlie Sheen’s epitaph
ernest (+ 28 million) goes to jail
nope, chuck testa
Cum on (the carpet)!