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Oh boy. This video from a press conference at the Venice Film Festival is making the rounds and it is no surprise why. If there is one thing people love it is Diet Red Bull. It keeps ‘em going without all the extra calories! If there is another thing people love it is secret videotapes capturing celebs acting like total assholes. I mean, COME ON. The worst part of this isn’t even that Madonna is self-involved and obnoxious, well, no, wait, that is the worst part of this, but the other worst part is that she says things like “I absolutely loathe hydrangeas” in the first place. Like, take the fan out of this. OK, fan’s gone. It’s not a fan giving her a gift that she has to sneakily make a snide comment about later. It’s just Madonna at the Paley Center for Media Studies in a panel discussion about Favorite Flowers and someone gets up to one of the two microphones that have been set up in the aisle for the question and answer section of the night’s program and they adjust their eyeglasses and nervously ask, “Madonna, hi, huge fan, thank you so much just for being here tonight,” and everyone applauds because they all love Madonna and that’s why they paid upwards of $70 a ticket. The fan continues, “I’m curious, sorry, I’m so nervous, uh, I’m just wondering what flowers you don’t like? Thank you,” and then the fan awkwardly goes back to his seat even though general protocol is that you should wait at the microphone while your question is being answered, but he just got so nervous it felt like the lights were actually burning him. And then Madonna thinks for a second and says, “Well, I absolutely loathe hydrangeas,” and there’s a brief silence in the room because people are just thinking uh, REALLY, you “ABSOLUTELY LOATHE” them? They’re fucking flowers, you rich, entitled, out-of-touch bitch. PEOPLE ARE DYING OUT HERE, MADONNA! Take it easy with the grandiose flower talk. (You could argue that she was actually pretty polite to the fan at the time she was given the flowers, and that the comment was a whispered aside to a friend and she surely didn’t think the microphones were turned on, and who among us doesn’t occasionally whisper something to a friend that might be taken poorly if captured on film and posted on the Internet, but why would you even argue that? What’s wrong with you?)
Caption it! Winner will receive special mention in this week’s Monsters’ Ball, thank God, and not some fucking hydrangeas can you even imagine?!
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I absolutely LOATH appropriated British dialects
British? Oh, no. That’s a Michigan accent. But it’s only spoken in the Ciccone household, so you wouldn’t know it.
and they only started using it circa 2000
to be fair, it was all the rage back then
“me too. there’s just something so AMERICAN about them” – gwyneth paltrow
BUON GIORNO, PRINCEBITCHA!
She’s always been upfront about being a material girl.
She disposed of those hydrangeas quicker than a ray of light.
Hydrangeas are so not en Vogue.
These guys know what you’re talking about
Madonna has her eye on Gwyneth’s place in Gabe’s heart.
If I’m smart then I’ll run away,
but I’m not so I guess I’ll stay.
Heaven forbid
I’ll take my chance on a beautiful hydrangea.
She loathes hydrangeas because they totally invaded the grassy spot that used to be her playground.
You mean Sandra Bernhard’s nethers?
I missed you, Godsauce.
<3
The former Mrs. Guy Ritchie? More like the former Mrs. Guy Bitchy, amirite?
Wow, she’s still got it!
C’mon, Madonna. That comment was a little…. over the borderline.
She’s clearly desperately seeking Sweet Peas.
Ooops, I didn’t know we couldn’t talk about Hydrangeas.
She loathes hydrangeas because she gets an allergic reaction to them that make her arms get all veiny.
Megan Fox is unimpressed.
“I absolutely loathe Donna Darko. That One obviously doesn’t know that.”
Hydrangeas?
Poor guy must fuck like dog shit.
Oh sorry. I didn’t get the memo that it was supposed to be a Madonna-themed pun.
Poor guy must fuck like Swept Away.
#fixed
Beauty’s where you find it, but God help you if you try and brighten my day with the wrong flowers.
Somewhere, hydrangeas are crying themselves to sleep under their bed, wondering where they went wrong.
“Wait, those are Malawian hydrangeas? Oh why didn’t you say so. I must have them all.”
She loathes hydrangeas because when her papa used to preach to her, he would flank his alter with hydrangea bushes.
You know, I have the suspicion that if you were to give Cyndi Lauper a flower, any kind of flower, she would be absolutely fucking delightful.
Girls just wanna hydrangea
“What’s good enough for you is good enough for me. Hydrangea’s are good enough! Good enough for me!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!” – Cyndi Lauper
You made the poor guy cry. Life IS a mystery.
“Get those fucking hydrangeas out of here. They’re making my eyes itch like crazy.” – Jesus
Good makeup.
Good lighting.
The worst part about this is that we all now know that Madonna absolutely loathes hydrangeas, but we still can only speculate about Gustavo Fring’s former life in Chile.
Her biggest weakness as a vocal performer has always been a lack of (hyd)range(a).
How else is she going to personify Wallis Simpson if she doesn’t become a nazi about flowers?
Its especially sad because that poor guy probably actually really liked Swept Away.
“Don’t go for second best, baby, put your flowers to the test.” -Damonna
“I use the word ‘loathe’ in the context of a complete stranger bringing me flowers. Also, I use the phrase ‘I absolutely loathe’ in everyday conversation. Also, I directed a film. Go see it.”
This from a woman who posed for an “art” photo topless with her face in a man’s jock-strapped butt. But hey, hydrangeas, gotta draw the line somewhere.
They remind her of Jose Canseco.
This incident is going to ruin her career
UGH! this guy RUINED it. MY ONE CHANCE to give her my boquet of Desperately Seeking Susan flowers….
And to think: flowers were the one organic organism left that could stand Madonna.
“No, I was going to say you’re like this flower. And I know it’s springtime, but I hate to see you get plucked by someone who doesn’t even care that you’re blossoming.”
“I LOATHE HYDRANGEAS”
Some ex probably gave her flowers for their anniversary and then told her that her coffee was shit.
It won’t be easy
You’ll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still need your love
After all that I’ve done
You won’t believe me
All you will see
Is a girl you once knew
Although she’s dressd up to the nines
And won’t take hydrangeas from youuuuuuuu
I made it a policy to never speak to someone who uses the word “tanins”. I will add “loathe” to this list. I can’t imagine a cool person every saying “loathe.”
Unless you say, “fucking loathe.” Then it’s fine. It dresses it down. Puts a denim jacket on it, if you will.
Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me
I think they’re O.K.
But assholes who give me hydrangeas
Please, GET THE FUCK AWAY
Maybe that person DID know she loathes hydrangeas and that’s why he gave them to her. SPITE!!!!
“I absolutely loathe you.”
“I absolutely loathe hydrangeas.” -Madonna
This Just In: Cher DETESTS Zinnias.
Madonna’s face when she sees hydrangeas.
That is pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty…
Madonna’s Time Machine Checklist
1) Kill Hitler1) Destroy all Hydrangea seeds
Wait, does this mean that Madonna’s already gone back in time to kill Hitler?
No! Don’t you remember Ray of Light? She found spirituality! She’s not selfish anymore! She knows she’s not the center of the universe! She’s a mom! People just hate strong women! [sob, run away]
–my ex-boyfriend
Right now, Lady Gaga is working furiously on her next single, “I Absolutely LOATHE Hydrangeas (He Must Not Know That).”
Madonna’s a fucking bitch
not very original, I know.
Here’s my best Guy Ritchie impression: “Wow, that’s shocking!”
Honestly, how can you loathe hydrangeas?? They are a flower that already comes in a bouquet!
Now we’re all anxiously awaiting Madonna’s new lifestyle newsletter, MOOP, in which she discusses other things she loathes.
Here is a sneak peek at the centerfold from the premiere issue:
(My first time trying to upload an image here; 1,000 (BUT NOT ONE MORE) apologies if it doesn’t work.)
I loathe face implants.
“I absolutely loathe hydrangeas, if “hydrangeas” is Latin for ‘aging with dignity’ “
“I absolutely loathe Madonna.” -hydrangeas
aaaaaaand I just saw potopoi’s identically better post above making me feel like a loser for posting the same thing in a lamer way :’(
I want this tattooed in Hebrew on my ass,
I can’t believe I missed this comment last week. This KILLS it!