As we near the end of our work week and into one of the last weekends of summer — though the weather may be more like one of the always weekends of bummer, if you know what I mean — why not take a few last moments and relax with Kelly, Joe, and Andrew. Our favorite group of tweens. Andrew will be discussing what is sure to be one of your future favorite trailers of all time, Joe will be discussing something having to do with a person on the Internet and Old Spice that I don’t really understand fully but maybe he will explain, and Kelly will show you one of my favorite videos of the past week. Fasten your VIDEOBELTS because we’re in for QUITE A VIDEORIDE! Yay, very good!
I’m not going to try to say anything high-minded about art here. Gabe and Kelly finished college; they’ve paid their dues and now, unlike me, they can wax philosophical about literally anything. The Powerpuff Girls. “What are the Freudian implications of prison toilet water being the Chemical X analogue in the creation of the Rowdyruff Boys?” “Check out my paper on lesbian-separatist feminism in Sabrina the Teenage Witch.” But I digress: I don’t have a degree yet so I’m not qualified to talk about what constitutes laudable self-expression. What I am qualified for is sharing the awe and delight I felt watching the trailer for 16-year-old writer/director Anne-Sophie Dutoit’s Faded Memories. Wow! The last sixteen-year-old to capture my imagination like this was named Joan of Arc! Maybe this is a glimpse into the future. Independent film by teens for teens. “And the Best Director Academy Award goes to…Tina from down the block, for Cute Shirtless Vampire Boys Wrestling.” Anyway, if you’ll excuse me I gotta go get on line at the corner Fandango. I don’t want to be left out in the cold in the mad scramble for tickets to the midnight showing of Reservoir Pogs. –Andrew
This guy is a couple different guys. I mean, we all know that kid who has a deeper voice than one would expect considering his stature and/or just the way he looks. He’s clearly that guy! But he’s also that guy who was most definitely not popular in middle school, kind of made some style changes in early high school, and then after a while transformed into that kid who’s not exactly “cool” but everyone likes and roots for because he means well and DID YOU HEAR HIS VOICE? But I’m not sure if it’s to his advantage or disadvantage that he’s of a completely indeterminate age. Seriously, this guy could be anywhere from 12 to 32! Amirite? “That’s right, Joe. You tell it like it is.” Thanks, you guys. I do tell it like it is. But I could never tell it like this guy tells it. Which is a little disconcerting! There are not many worse feelings than the feeling you get when you recognize that a person who may be 12 could probably make love to your wife better than you could. AFTER THE CARNAGE…Did you hear that?! Geez Louise, don’t let this kid near your daughter! –Joe
Listen, Twentieth Century Fox. I’ve got no beef with you. You produced Speed and Porky’s and Die Hard, none of which I’ve seen, but all of which I’ve only heard great things about, I’m sure. Your record stands on its own. So, it is with the greatest concern for the stellar reputation of this studio and its subsidiaries that I give you the following advice. Use this recorder solo on your production logo for all television and movie projects starting now. I can’t think of a better way to get people ready for Marmaduke 2 or Love and Other Drugs Reloaded than the dulcet tones of a recorder stolen from the unlocked music room of an Elementary School. Nothing would serve to better prepare one for Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked than the delayed reaction time and clumsy fingering of a person whose previous experience with the recorder was clearly limited to grade school and one time at a Victor Litz, mostly out of boredom. Yes Fox, this inspired rendition of your classic theme is exactly what your studio needs to bring you into the big time. If I understand business (and I watched Wall Street 2 on a plane half asleep, so I’m pretty sure I do) this will TRIPLE your revenue for the upcoming fiscal year. I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Make the right decision. I’ll see myself out. –Kelly