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Alcide the werewolf is carrying Fairy Sookie through the graveyard to safety after she got shot in the great Witches Vs. Vampires War of 2011 but he is overtaken and Sookie is snatched from his werewolf hands by Vampire King Bill, who rushes Sookie inside and lays her out on the couch and tries to feed her vampire blood to heal her from the gunshot wound. “Werewolf, I’m going to need you to shut the fuck up,” he says to the werewolf. It’s a really tense moment, I’m sure. Apparently, Sookie is so mortally wounded that she won’t even drink Bill’s vampire blood to get better. “What do we do now?” the werewolf asks. “Pray,” the vampire says. “Werewolf and vampire? Who would listen?” the werewolf says. HEY BOYS, THIS IS NOT A COLLEGE PHILOSOPHY CLASS, GO HAVE A FRESCA. “That I do not know,” Vampire King Bill says. Oh my goodness. Is this it? Is Sookie going to die? Will vampire and werewolf acknowledge the blasphemy of their existence in a godless world and suddenly come to terms of peace in the recognition that the cold absurdity of the universe leaves no room for petty squabbles (because it is all one giant petty squabble)? NOPE TWO SECONDS LATER SOOKIE IS FINE SO I GUESS IT WORKED AND THE VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES ARE GRUMPY AGAIN AND ALSO DIDN’T BILL BASICALLY GET CAPTURED AT THE END OF LAST WEEK’S EPISODE BUT EVEN THAT DIDN’T LAST MORE THAN THREE SECONDS BECAUSE THIS SHOW IS JUST VERY SMART AND VERY COOL AND VERY WELL-WRITTEN AND VERY EXCITING. I AM ALWAYS ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT WONDERING HOW THE PLOTLINES WILL BE RESOLVED IN TWO MINUTES WITH LITTLE EXPLANATION AND ABSOLUTELY NO REGARD FOR THE SELF-IMPOSED LAWS GOVERNING THIS GARBAGE WORLD.
Fucking hate this show so much, and I know that’s a boring, kind of annoying thing to read week after week, but last night’s episode was REALLY SOMETHING SPECIAL in the whole FUCKING BULLSHIT DEPARTMENT.
So, you know that mean witch? She is so mean now! She puts Eric in a broom closet and then explains to all of her witch pals that they are best witch friends for witch ever now and no one is allowed to leave. This makes some of the people upset because they don’t want to be in this club anymore because it’s TOO SCARY, although there is this one dude who just keeps saying “This is awesome!” about everything that the witch does. Whatever, dude. It is so obvious that you are going to die within the next couple of episodes. R.I.P. that stupid dude. The witch explains her plan by holding up a flyer. Hahahhahaha. The best laid plans always involve KINKO’S. Apparently, there is a Festival of Tolerance tomorrow night, so the witch is going to make Vampire Eric kill a bunch of people and that way everyone will know that vampires are killers and no one will even want to join their Tolerance Facebook Group. Good plan. Incidentally, this show is starting to suffer from the same thing that always bothered me about the Harry Potter franchise. Like, we’re supposed to believe that there is an entire world of vampires that runs parallel to our world, and yet there are only three or four vampires of any meaningful consequence and they all live in some backswamp bayou? Right.
Bill explains to the, like, Prime Minister Witch or whoever that lady is that they need to cancel the Festival of Tolerance (lol) because he has a bad feeling about it and the Prime Minister Witch is like “absolutely not” because CNN is going to be there. Uh, pretty sure CNN will get over it. They are probably going to be busy covering the toppling of Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi’s regime in Libya, anyway. Also, later, when we actually see this Festival of Tolerance, which is just 100 people in some Louisiana hotel ballroom, yeah, GO AHEAD AND CANCEL IT WHO CARES. The mylar balloons that spell out the word “Tolerance” are a tax write-off anyway. But first, more of this.
So much of that. Too much? No way! It’s so fun and interesting. It’s like a Harold Pinter play!
Sam tells his new girlfriend that they should get out of town before her werewolf ex-husband (LOL) comes back. She says that she is trying to teach her daughter not to run away from her problems. “I’m not talking about running away,” Sam says, “I’m talking about camping. Getting back to nature is the opposite of running away.” Uh, rest your case, Sam, because that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. His girlfriend is like, “I guess you’re right.” No, he’s not. I mean, go camping, who cares, but camping absolutely still counts as running away. “Has anyone who ever had something to hide or a reason to be fearful of being found ever gone off the grid? Nope.” That is Sam. What a dummy. But, so, they go camping, and then Sam turns into a bunny rabbit so that his girlfriend’s daughter can pet his naked body and I am sorry, but that is just the WEIRDEST THING but the girlfriend finds it CHARMING.
Yuck. Then they fuck in a tent. Long story short, Tommy ends up disguising his face and body as Sam again and mouthing off to the werewolf husband and getting beaten up by werewolves in a motorcycle garage for almost no reason. I hate this show.
Sookie has a sex dream about Eric. Oh wait, Bill is there too. GROSS. This is going to be VERY GROSS. They all start barfing and wiggling around in the barf and Sookie screams “barf on my face! barf on my face!” and they do. At first, Dream Eric and Dream Bill are about to get in a Dream Fight in the Dream Kitchen, but then Sookie is like “No, go in the living room and let’s talk.” Haha. Cool dream! You know those dreams that just involve important conversations about where everyone is at, emotionally? This is one of those. Sookie explains that she is in love with both of them, which, fine. But then she also says that she’s “always been this self-conscious, good little girl who’s been too scared to think outside of the box, especially when it comes to love and sex.” Uh, wait, what? GOD DAMN IT, DO THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THIS SHOW EVEN WATCH THIS SHOW? Not only does Sookie fuck vampires, but she was the first person in her community to do so openly. Under what circumstances is she just a self-conscious, good little girl who has been too scared to think outside of the box? Unless the box is just only having sex with one vampire at a time and now she wants a vampire three-way, in which case, oh, OK, got it. Sookie wakes up and realizes it was just a dream. Or was it? If she was dreaming, why is she covered in barf?
The main plotline of this week’s episode involves Lafayette being possessed by a dead woman’s spirit and holding Arlene’s baby hostage inside of Hoyt’s house, and I’m not even going to deal with it because it is TOO BORING and SOMEWHAT EMBARRASSING except to say that this whole scene:
Was one of the most terrible things I’ve ever seen on television and that my jaw literally dropped while it was happening. “It’s a miracle.” UGH. The fact that adults watch this show and the United States hasn’t been overtaken by a country of adults who don’t watch this show, that is the goddamned miracle.
Oh, and Jason Stackhouse fucks Hoyt’s ex-girlfriend Vampire Jessica two days after they broke up in the back of his truck. He tried to be a good friend, but, you know, two days had passed, get over it, Hoyt. Move on with your life.
Vampires before bros before hoes. That’s the order.
Sookie goes to the witch’s Yarn Store and tries to rescue Eric but he can’t be rescued because he is under the witch’s spell. Apparently, when you are a vampire and a witch puts you under her spell, you have to do what she says, but you are allowed to gossip about it behind her back. He tells Sookie that the witch is going to make him kill King Vampire Bill at the Tolerance Festival. Oh no! Not King Bill! Just kidding. It’s fine. Please kill him. Tara pulls a gun on Sookie and then tells her to read her mind and in her mind tells her to charge her and go to the hotel to save Bill. It is always hilarious on this show when other people have to remind people of their powers. Anyway, Sookie goes to the hotel and she also is friends with Alcide’s girlfriend now, I don’t know. The witch chases after them but locks the rest of her pals inside and makes the doorknobs get really hot like in Home Alone. My favorite part of the whole episode is when Tara melts her hand on a Home Alone doorknob and starts screaming, but then also tells someone to try the other door, and then two seconds later that person starts screaming. “This doorknob burned me. Someone go touch the other doorknob!” WHAT IS THIS, A MENSA MEETING? SO MANY BRAINIACS IN ONE ROOM!
But so they get there and it is a VERY fancy tolerance party.
Ha. At one point, Bill leans over to the Vampire Prime Minister and asks why there aren’t any vampires at the tolerance party and says that it’s like having a civil rights march without any black people. Eek! Hopefully, the Prime Minister will just give him a weird look and leave this one alone because let’s not get into this one, right? Wrong. “Maybe if black people hadn’t shown up to the civil rights movement it wouldn’t have been such a bloodbath.” OH JEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ. YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKES! Like, it’s already kind of horrible when this show makes clumsy metaphorical comparisons between vampires and any disenfranchised minority, but maybe let’s not turn a genuinely disturbing chapter in America’s herstory into a throwaway line (that is really weird and also wrong) on the dais of the Vampire Tolerance Day Festival you fucking piece of shit show.
So the witch shows up with Eric and she gets some other vampires under her spell and they kill the SWAT team and rush the stage and Sookie yells scream, and it’s pandemonium and mayhem and bodies are flying and I”m absolutely positive that it will all be resolved within thirty seconds of next week’s episode because this show ain’t give no fuck.
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THERE ARE BLOGGERS OUTSIDE
WAITING
VAMPIRES ARE VERY AFRAID OF BLOGGERS U GUISE :\\\\\\\
when i heard that bloggers line, i truly hoped that it was alan ball getting mad at gabe and the videogum community for not understanding his genius. that guy is probably somewhere rubbing his hands together and making menacing puns as we speak.
“Pray,” the vampire says. “Werewolf and vampire? Who would listen?” the werewolf says.
I do not love how this show thinks it’s Angel. SOMEONE HAS TO BE THE CHAMPION, AMIRITE??
My favorite part of the episode was the mention of the Dorchester Hotel in Shreveport. LOL b/c have you ever been to Shreveport? The best they have there is a Days Inn.
The best they have there is a Days Inn with free continental breakfast.
I live in Shreveport and when I heard about the tolerance festival all I could imagine is some kind of “pray the tolerance away” festival where hatred of others is tolerated.
Also, the hand blisters were the best, cracked me up so bad, and yes, we do have oven mitts in Shreveport.
As I predicted no one even noticed that Lafayette was possessed until his boyfriend told them.
“Silly Layfayette! Always thinking he’s a lady!” — everyone but his boyfriend.
And naked Alcide!
I am now 100 percent convinced the writers/directors read this blog and act accordingly. So, um, guys… please try to get Sookie to eat a sandwich because why was her head the same size as her torso in the dream sequence? That was totally terrifying, but for body image and death of feminism reasons.
This wasn’t a response to the Shreveport thread, not sure why it posted here.
I did like that part, especially when dumb but well-meaning Jason asked about when they ‘played dress up’ because that’s probably the most honest and not over the top portrayal of that character this show has ever put forth. But then the CGI scene happened, Lafayette acted like he was completely fine and understood everything immediately, and Meat Cat flies away on his skateboard. BOOOOO
I was going to Photoshop a Martin Luther King Jr. pic with vampire teeth. But, I decided to get the other three letters in my EGOT before going for lowest rated comment.
This show is basically Bulworth with vampires.
Jessica and Jason: Let’s screw.
Jessica: Ok, should we do it in the giant mansion with many comfortable beds and couches?
Jason: No, the back of my pick-up will do just fine. It is uncomfortable and out in the open.
hey remember how this season started with like… a weird fairy civil war? is that just over? never going back there? ok cool.
For real, when Sookie and Eric were obviously in fairy land last week, after the shower of snow, why didn’t they annihilate him? Is it totally cool to kill a fairy godmother now? We know 1/4 or 1/8 or whatever Sookie can kill mean vampires or defend herself against them all on her own with a little light, so why can’t full blooded fairies go around killing all the vampires?
This episode ended with Sookie dramatically shouting “RUN” because this show thinks it is Breaking Bad.
Gabe, I so agree with your sentiments on that bullshit Lafayette/baby stealer scene. That had to be a joke, right?! I mean, seriously. I was so offended by its stupidity that I actually spent a few precious moments of my time and brain energy to get to the point behind it. My best guess is that Renee’s crazy ass spirit is going to take over medium Lafayette, work out his “issues” like this lady did and go on his fairy light way to the sky. Let’s just hope Renee working out his issues = killing EVERYONE on the show. Buh-Bye True Blood.
also, apparently werewolves love to cheers.
“to shreveport.”
“to beating up shifters.”
At least they said it right, “to Shreepor”.
Remember when Sam and his shifter girlfriend were fucking in the tent really loudly and her daughter was in a tent like right next to them? That was some good parenting.
“The shitty part of True Blood is the way it depicts irresponsible parenting.” – R2D2, Esq.
why dont they turn into animals and have crazy animal sex? (is it bad that i think that would made the episode better?)
Can someone please clarify the mechanics behind shapeshifting/skinwalking? When you shapeshift, you literally become the animal you shift into, but when you skinwalk, you can be that person and that person can be themselves at the same time? There are basically two of you? But it doesn’t seem like the animals and shapshifted animals can coexist? Idunnosomeonekillmenowpleasewhydoievencaregahhhhhhhh
What are you talking about? You just morph shapes into that person/animal. Shifters can turn into any animal except people, skinwalkers can turn into animals and people. It’s a pretty simple concept, you seem to have added something extra in there that I don’t understand.
What are you talking about, “coexist”? They have to like, imprint, or whatever, on an animal. Then their body starts looking like an animal’s. But the dog they saw doesn’t stop existing just because of the shift. It is just like that series “Animorphs” only totally mature and for adults now.
LOLOL I did expect people to jump down my throat because I didn’t fully understand some weird magic shit on this continually inconsistent and confusing show.
Guys, stop arguing about Animorphs.
I thought Bunny Sam was adorable. If that takes me to jail, I will wear my handcuffs proudly. I would love to have a person who loved me turn into a bunny for me.
AND I HATE THIS SHOW! AND I AM SAYING THIS!
Did anyone else notice that in Jessica’s box of “monster stuff” there was a copy of Twilight? Because, obviously.
I was really hoping that when sookie asked eric what he was supposed to do and he said, “kill the king” she would gasp and say, “You have to…KILL BILL??” and everyone would look directly at the camera, laugh at all of us watching, and promptly explode.
Yeah, Sookie could do with some more self-consciousness, honestly. And self-awareness. She’s like, “I’m not yours, you’re mine,” like her love is some kind of crazy awesome gift that no one could ever deserve, and the worst part is that they actually think that. And when she starts disrobing, you might think, from their faces, that she’s a goddess or at least a glowing ghost-lady (IT’S A MIRACLE), but actually, no, it’s just Sookie, who both of you have fucked before in various states of undress, various uncomfortable positions, and various locations in the woods. EVERYBODY, GET OVER YOURSELF AND EVERYBODY ELSE.
Some thoughts:
1) I’m going to have to stop reading these recaps at work or I’m going to lose my job.
2)What the HELL was with Alcide’s girlfriend’s eyes when naked Alcide crawled in bed with her and her eyes lit up like……like what?? What was that? Was she angry because he smelled like Sookie? Was she turned on because, well, you know, obvs it would make sense if she was turned on……I just did NOT understand the neon eyes which reminded me FAR MORE of MAC’s CAT EYES on It’s Always Sunny than of a werewolf!
3) I continue to not understand Gabe’s problem with Harry Potter and the fact that there are millions of witches and wizards but only a few “of consequence”…there are obviously very many of consequence, but just a few that JK Rowling decided to write a story about, just as there are many (several? some? a few?) human beings of interest, but only a few that John Steinbeck or Ernest Hemingway or Toni Morrison decided to write stories about?? In short, stop hating on Harry Potter, Gabe!
I love Harry Potter as much as the next nerd, but Gabe makes a pretty good point about the vampires of Louisiana somehow being the most important vampires in all of the world. And we know for a fact that vampire Louis Pasteur exists in this universe thanks to punk rock 80s flashbacks. But, then again, my guess is Pasteur doesn’t look like Erik or Alcide and probably keeps his pants on most of the time so who would want to watch some boring Vampire Nova science show? Not this nerd. I’m going to go back to looking up photos of David Tennant… I mean adding info to spreadsheets.
Yeah, I definitely get your point. I guess just reading any type of comparison whatsoever between Harry Potter (which are really well-written and quite interesting works of fiction, originally probably meant for children but also completely appealing to adults), and this show (terrible garbage “written” by drunken monkeys playing mad libs, originally meant for adults but appealing to no one) just kinda made me see red for a minute.
Well I think the writing process is like this:
There was a terrible book.
Someone optioned the book.
A bunch of people got very intoxicated on whatever it is that that creepy 16 year old who is married to Horace from LOST is on and started writing a script, but probably blacked out the process through intoxication or self-preservation.
In the past few weeks they have come to this site for ideas.
More ether and/or other bizarre and heavy drugs were consumed and the writing process continued.
Everyone takes off their clothes and the cameras roll.
Hollywood magic! (Also fairy magic!)
“Fucking hate this show so much, and I know that’s a boring, kind of annoying thing to read week after week”
No. It’s an amazing thing to read week after week.
i dont know gabe’s personal stance on OFWGKTA, but i like their music, even though it can be (probably is) very offensive to many people
I blame the whole thing on the guy who used to play the sheriff who bailed out of the show during the first season, I assume when he realized the show was about to become a big steaming turd.
I liked him on Deadwood, and the acting and ridiculous gruff voice of the True Blood-addicted sheriff now is so godawful bad. I’m thinking if we can talk the original sheriff back onto the show everything else will fix itself. Then again, maybe not.
I liked the original Sheriff as Larry on Newhart.
WTF happened to the whole “Jesus/Lafayette we’re gonna learn magic and defend ourselves from vampires” storyline? They did all that bullshit, went to Mexico got bit by a snake and then Lafayette could suddenly speak spiritual-healing Spanish. And then that was it, and all was forgotten. Jesus just disappeared for like 2 whole episodes, and poor Lafayette has been reduced to what may have been the worst (and completely pointless) plotline in this entire shitfest series. And that’s saying quite a lot. But then again, with this show its like trying to find meaning in an ICP album…
please please please pretty please never stop recapping True Blood. I only watch it now to read this. *hugs*
agreed, and i don’t even watch it. this recap was my favourite yet.
the eric running away from the swat team scene was missing some yakety sax
I think Tara has lost the honor of being my most hated character. That privilege now goes to Arlene. Who thought it was a good idea to give Arlene a story line, period? Like, have her pop up at the Merlotte’s every once in a while and say something sassy. Great. Good for her. Glad she is getting work. But holy shit do I not care about a demon baby or any of the other plot lines that she has had in the past. Tara’s plotlines at least move the main storyline of the seasons forward. Arlene is a tumor on the tumor that is this show.
I like True Blood precisely because it is such a steaming pile of ridiculousness.
I did have a problem with the Lafayette/Mavis “Ma bab-bie!” nonsense, in particular its resolution. How the hell did Jesus not only explain the situation to everyone without carting Lafayette to the loony bin, but also got them to dig up the bones of a long-dead woman and her child? I know that we’re dealing with a world that has vampires, werewolves, fairies, shifters, werepanthers, your mother, witches, and telepaths, but I can’t imagine them trying to shoot that scenario:
“Don’t shoot, we’re coming out! It’s been a huge misunderstanding! Lafayette was merely possessed by the spirit of a dead woman who was murdered here after she found out her baby was killed and just wants to live in her old home and have her baby back. It happens all of the time, amirite ladies?”
“Ok! Let’s go diggin’ for the bodies!”
Watch True Blood Season 4 Episode 10 Online..
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