Alcide the werewolf is carrying Fairy Sookie through the graveyard to safety after she got shot in the great Witches Vs. Vampires War of 2011 but he is overtaken and Sookie is snatched from his werewolf hands by Vampire King Bill, who rushes Sookie inside and lays her out on the couch and tries to feed her vampire blood to heal her from the gunshot wound. “Werewolf, I’m going to need you to shut the fuck up,” he says to the werewolf. It’s a really tense moment, I’m sure. Apparently, Sookie is so mortally wounded that she won’t even drink Bill’s vampire blood to get better. “What do we do now?” the werewolf asks. “Pray,” the vampire says. “Werewolf and vampire? Who would listen?” the werewolf says. HEY BOYS, THIS IS NOT A COLLEGE PHILOSOPHY CLASS, GO HAVE A FRESCA. “That I do not know,” Vampire King Bill says. Oh my goodness. Is this it? Is Sookie going to die? Will vampire and werewolf acknowledge the blasphemy of their existence in a godless world and suddenly come to terms of peace in the recognition that the cold absurdity of the universe leaves no room for petty squabbles (because it is all one giant petty squabble)? NOPE TWO SECONDS LATER SOOKIE IS FINE SO I GUESS IT WORKED AND THE VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES ARE GRUMPY AGAIN AND ALSO DIDN’T BILL BASICALLY GET CAPTURED AT THE END OF LAST WEEK’S EPISODE BUT EVEN THAT DIDN’T LAST MORE THAN THREE SECONDS BECAUSE THIS SHOW IS JUST VERY SMART AND VERY COOL AND VERY WELL-WRITTEN AND VERY EXCITING. I AM ALWAYS ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT WONDERING HOW THE PLOTLINES WILL BE RESOLVED IN TWO MINUTES WITH LITTLE EXPLANATION AND ABSOLUTELY NO REGARD FOR THE SELF-IMPOSED LAWS GOVERNING THIS GARBAGE WORLD.
Fucking hate this show so much, and I know that’s a boring, kind of annoying thing to read week after week, but last night’s episode was REALLY SOMETHING SPECIAL in the whole FUCKING BULLSHIT DEPARTMENT.
So, you know that mean witch? She is so mean now! She puts Eric in a broom closet and then explains to all of her witch pals that they are best witch friends for witch ever now and no one is allowed to leave. This makes some of the people upset because they don’t want to be in this club anymore because it’s TOO SCARY, although there is this one dude who just keeps saying “This is awesome!” about everything that the witch does. Whatever, dude. It is so obvious that you are going to die within the next couple of episodes. R.I.P. that stupid dude. The witch explains her plan by holding up a flyer. Hahahhahaha. The best laid plans always involve KINKO’S. Apparently, there is a Festival of Tolerance tomorrow night, so the witch is going to make Vampire Eric kill a bunch of people and that way everyone will know that vampires are killers and no one will even want to join their Tolerance Facebook Group. Good plan. Incidentally, this show is starting to suffer from the same thing that always bothered me about the Harry Potter franchise. Like, we’re supposed to believe that there is an entire world of vampires that runs parallel to our world, and yet there are only three or four vampires of any meaningful consequence and they all live in some backswamp bayou? Right.
Bill explains to the, like, Prime Minister Witch or whoever that lady is that they need to cancel the Festival of Tolerance (lol) because he has a bad feeling about it and the Prime Minister Witch is like “absolutely not” because CNN is going to be there. Uh, pretty sure CNN will get over it. They are probably going to be busy covering the toppling of Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi’s regime in Libya, anyway. Also, later, when we actually see this Festival of Tolerance, which is just 100 people in some Louisiana hotel ballroom, yeah, GO AHEAD AND CANCEL IT WHO CARES. The mylar balloons that spell out the word “Tolerance” are a tax write-off anyway. But first, more of this.
So much of that. Too much? No way! It’s so fun and interesting. It’s like a Harold Pinter play!
Sam tells his new girlfriend that they should get out of town before her werewolf ex-husband (LOL) comes back. She says that she is trying to teach her daughter not to run away from her problems. “I’m not talking about running away,” Sam says, “I’m talking about camping. Getting back to nature is the opposite of running away.” Uh, rest your case, Sam, because that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. His girlfriend is like, “I guess you’re right.” No, he’s not. I mean, go camping, who cares, but camping absolutely still counts as running away. “Has anyone who ever had something to hide or a reason to be fearful of being found ever gone off the grid? Nope.” That is Sam. What a dummy. But, so, they go camping, and then Sam turns into a bunny rabbit so that his girlfriend’s daughter can pet his naked body and I am sorry, but that is just the WEIRDEST THING but the girlfriend finds it CHARMING.
Yuck. Then they fuck in a tent. Long story short, Tommy ends up disguising his face and body as Sam again and mouthing off to the werewolf husband and getting beaten up by werewolves in a motorcycle garage for almost no reason. I hate this show.
Sookie has a sex dream about Eric. Oh wait, Bill is there too. GROSS. This is going to be VERY GROSS. They all start barfing and wiggling around in the barf and Sookie screams “barf on my face! barf on my face!” and they do. At first, Dream Eric and Dream Bill are about to get in a Dream Fight in the Dream Kitchen, but then Sookie is like “No, go in the living room and let’s talk.” Haha. Cool dream! You know those dreams that just involve important conversations about where everyone is at, emotionally? This is one of those. Sookie explains that she is in love with both of them, which, fine. But then she also says that she’s “always been this self-conscious, good little girl who’s been too scared to think outside of the box, especially when it comes to love and sex.” Uh, wait, what? GOD DAMN IT, DO THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THIS SHOW EVEN WATCH THIS SHOW? Not only does Sookie fuck vampires, but she was the first person in her community to do so openly. Under what circumstances is she just a self-conscious, good little girl who has been too scared to think outside of the box? Unless the box is just only having sex with one vampire at a time and now she wants a vampire three-way, in which case, oh, OK, got it. Sookie wakes up and realizes it was just a dream. Or was it? If she was dreaming, why is she covered in barf?
The main plotline of this week’s episode involves Lafayette being possessed by a dead woman’s spirit and holding Arlene’s baby hostage inside of Hoyt’s house, and I’m not even going to deal with it because it is TOO BORING and SOMEWHAT EMBARRASSING except to say that this whole scene:
Was one of the most terrible things I’ve ever seen on television and that my jaw literally dropped while it was happening. “It’s a miracle.” UGH. The fact that adults watch this show and the United States hasn’t been overtaken by a country of adults who don’t watch this show, that is the goddamned miracle.
Oh, and Jason Stackhouse fucks Hoyt’s ex-girlfriend Vampire Jessica two days after they broke up in the back of his truck. He tried to be a good friend, but, you know, two days had passed, get over it, Hoyt. Move on with your life.
Vampires before bros before hoes. That’s the order.
Sookie goes to the witch’s Yarn Store and tries to rescue Eric but he can’t be rescued because he is under the witch’s spell. Apparently, when you are a vampire and a witch puts you under her spell, you have to do what she says, but you are allowed to gossip about it behind her back. He tells Sookie that the witch is going to make him kill King Vampire Bill at the Tolerance Festival. Oh no! Not King Bill! Just kidding. It’s fine. Please kill him. Tara pulls a gun on Sookie and then tells her to read her mind and in her mind tells her to charge her and go to the hotel to save Bill. It is always hilarious on this show when other people have to remind people of their powers. Anyway, Sookie goes to the hotel and she also is friends with Alcide’s girlfriend now, I don’t know. The witch chases after them but locks the rest of her pals inside and makes the doorknobs get really hot like in Home Alone. My favorite part of the whole episode is when Tara melts her hand on a Home Alone doorknob and starts screaming, but then also tells someone to try the other door, and then two seconds later that person starts screaming. “This doorknob burned me. Someone go touch the other doorknob!” WHAT IS THIS, A MENSA MEETING? SO MANY BRAINIACS IN ONE ROOM!
But so they get there and it is a VERY fancy tolerance party.
Ha. At one point, Bill leans over to the Vampire Prime Minister and asks why there aren’t any vampires at the tolerance party and says that it’s like having a civil rights march without any black people. Eek! Hopefully, the Prime Minister will just give him a weird look and leave this one alone because let’s not get into this one, right? Wrong. “Maybe if black people hadn’t shown up to the civil rights movement it wouldn’t have been such a bloodbath.” OH JEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ. YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKES! Like, it’s already kind of horrible when this show makes clumsy metaphorical comparisons between vampires and any disenfranchised minority, but maybe let’s not turn a genuinely disturbing chapter in America’s herstory into a throwaway line (that is really weird and also wrong) on the dais of the Vampire Tolerance Day Festival you fucking piece of shit show.
So the witch shows up with Eric and she gets some other vampires under her spell and they kill the SWAT team and rush the stage and Sookie yells scream, and it’s pandemonium and mayhem and bodies are flying and I”m absolutely positive that it will all be resolved within thirty seconds of next week’s episode because this show ain’t give no fuck.