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There are many things one can say about Anthony Bourdain. “He is a chef.” “He has tattoos.” “He smokes cigarettes or maybe he has quit at this point but I do know that he at one point smoked cigarettes.” “He has a travel TV show.” And finally, “He is America’s #1 bad boy.” And it must be difficult, when you are America’s #1 bad boy, to have, for example, an interview with TV Guide where you don’t say numerous Bad Boy Things about numerous other people in your television chef personality field that are possibly far past their point of relevance. That would be like Joel McHale going onto a late night talk show and NOT making a joke about how short Ryan Seacrest is. JUST GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT! And here is what you want, from an interview with TV Guide, just like you wanted:
On Sanda Lee: “There was an incident with Sandra Lee where I ran into her [after criticizing her publicly]. It was deeply terrible. Don’t mess with her. I rarely feel uncomfortable, but she has a powerful force. I hate her works on this planet, but she is not someone to be dismissed, clearly.”
On Guy Fieri: “I look at Guy Fieri and I just think, ‘Jesus, I’m glad that’s not me.’”
On Rachael Ray:“Does she even cook anymore? I don’t know why she bothers. To her credit, she never said she was good at it.”
On Paula Deen:“The worst, most dangerous person to America is clearly Paula Deen. She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations and she’s proud of the fact that her food is f–king bad for you [...] plus, her food sucks.”
“Yesssss! More more more more more more more!!!!” That is what everyone is thinking. Sadly, we do not have any more. But that doesn’t mean we can’t IMAGINE any more, about with Anthony Bourdain would say about ANYONE in ANY FIELD because that is MORE FUN!
On Louis C.K.
Is this guy still around? I heard something about this guy having a show recently and I thought, Jesus Christ, who is watching that shit?
On Mila Kunis
That dead-eyed whore — You know, I met Mila Kunis once after an event. I looked at her and said, “Jesus.”
On Gabe Delahaye
Oh, this guy — Every time I hear about this guy I think, yeah, great, maybe spend less time at the fancy clothes store and more time KNOWING HOW TO WRITE A BLOG.
On Chandler Bing
Could that guy BE any more a waste of space in our society’s collective consciousness?
On Skrillex
I heard about Skrillex on Twitter. I looked him up. Piece of shit.
On François Truffaut
François Truffaut? If I needed more stupid bullshit in my life I’d watch Bizarre Foods.
On Dan Harmon
You know, Dan Harmon is just a great example of how society has just gone to shit. You know? This is what passes for entertainment. This shit this guy shits out into the world. Fuck this guy.
On Raymond From Everybody Loves Raymond
I don’t know who loves that guy. He’s a goof and he has a terrible voice. Just terrible.
Man, that guy sure speaks his mind! (Interview via Gothamist.)
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On Kelly Conaboy
“She’s pretty”
On R2D2 Esq.
“What a kiss-ass”
On Steve Winwood
“Winwood? That guy is aces.”
On Jesus Christ:
“Jesus Christ, that guy, Jesus Christ, son of God my ass.”
Low hanging fruit successfully grabbed. *highfive*
Oh the guy in the background who kind of resembles Buster Bluth
“I look at that guy and I think, are you in the ocean? Why the fuck are you in the ocean? There are loose seals everywhere? Jesus Christ.”
On lilbobbytables
“Oh, that asshole? It’s time to learn the difference between a question and a statement, asshole.”
I’ll play along in a second, but first I just want to point out that “I look at Guy Fieri and I just think, ‘Jesus, I’m glad that’s not me’” is what everyone says.
On Topher Grace
“What’s up with Topher Grace?”
On Gwynneth Paltrow: Great cook. Tried her wood stove fired pizza while we were up in the backwoods outside of Ulan Bator. Amazing. AH-may-Zing. Then we got wasted on some 17th century wine and Sack Posset.
I think he actually called her “that c**t that doesn’t eat pork” once. And then he bragged about eating some offal, while getting a tattoo of a snake wearing a top hat.
I’m actually on Gwyneth’s side with this one. Pork is overrated! #bacongate
The Kwanzaa Cake lady made him feel bad about something. I like this.
On Vinnie Chase:
“Aquaman was terrible. Medellín was GOD-awful. Sometimes I think his skin is a big fucking costume with a zipper in the back that some actor puts on because he can’t get any real work.”
On the cast of Entourage:
“Jesus. Those guys must fuck like dog shit.”
See you later, everyone. Going to spend the rest of my day re-reading Bourdain’s take on Mila Kunis.
By the end of the interview, this is probably what Bourdain was saying: “Asshole… next, please. Asshole… giant asshole… next… asshole… how many of these are we doing? Asshole… asshole…I got a thing so… asshole… asshole.”
on Jeremy Irons: “The guy slapped my ass one time, literally just slapped it and then had this creepy fuckin’ grin on his face. Then he mumbled something about ‘Hakuna Matata’ and sprinted away. Asshole.”
On the Frugal Gourmet:
“Fuck that cheap old fart.”
On Alton Brown:
“That dude starts every day with a smug of coffee followed by smarmalade on toast”
On No Reservations
“That show is just a fucking guy going to places a normal person could never go to, then complaining about how everything’s changed since the last time he was there.”
On vegetarians:
“I hope they all fucking die.”
Seriously, guys. Anthony Bourdain REALLY doesn’t like vegetarians.
Who does, really?
…
Livestock!
In the first issue of Lucky Peach he and Wylie Dufresne talk trash about the Blue Hill guy
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww shiiiiiiiiiiiit.” – probably just me
(For the record, I am referring to a real thing in a real magazine. And now back to Crazy Make ‘em Ups)
I intend to get a copy soon… I can’t get enough Momofuku or David Chang.
I really enjoyed it; the first article is a chronicle of Chang traveling through Japan where he eats too much ramen and then throws up and then this happens again like two more times.
HOORAY FOR FOOD!
Anthony Bourdain On Ice
“Adults will hear music they’ll recognize and enjoy sharing with children, such as ‘The Hustle,’ ‘You Should Be Dancing’ and ‘Rockin’ Robin.’ ‘Elmo Makes Music’ features nearly two dozen songs, including classics that children will love to sing along with such as ‘C Is for Cookie’ and ‘The Alphabet Song.’”
Wait! Wait. This is a review of Sesame Street on Ice. Clearly, I’ve done this wrong.
I want George Thoroughgood and The Destroyers to just follow him around and play riffs to accompany each of his ice-cold disses.
“rootmarm? that bitch totally can’t spell Thorogood to save her life.”
More like Anthony BURRRRRRRRRRRN-dain.
on this guy:
“i like that guy”
On Gwyneth Paltrow:
“she’s just lovely”
On Supersloth: Plagiariser!
on supersloth:
“doesn’t read the comments before replying, but doesn’t capitalize unnecessarily!”
Actually, there is some debate over capitalising after a colon. And it is the start of speech by another person, though I left out the speech marks. So what I am saying is, I’ve become everything I’ve ever hated…
To be fair, these are standard kinds of questions idiotic magazines likes TV Guide will ask Anthony Bourdain, since he is generically known as the “bad boy” chef and enjoys ripping celebrity chefs. If you watch “No Reservations” or other, deeper interviews with him, you see he has a much more nuanced and intelligent view of the industry and his fellow chefs in general.
On Gerard Depardieu: “I pee publicly all the time, asshole.”