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Guys, I hope today isn’t laundry day, because you’re going to need a new pair of pants after you read this fucking thing. From People (reposted in its entirety):
Gwyneth Paltrow is already an Oscar winner, cookbook author, mother of two and wife of a rock star – and now she can add lifesaver to her list of accomplishments.
Lara Lundstrom Clarke believes her life was saved by a chance encounter with the actress on Sept. 11, 2001, according to The Morton Report.
Clarke was rushing to get to work at the Twin Towers in New York City when she jaywalked in order to get to the subway station. As she crossed 7th Avenue, a Mercedes SUV came barreling toward her.
Both Clarke and the car stopped in their tracks, and as the driver waved her across she realized it was Paltrow behind the wheel. The near-collision caused Clarke to miss her train, and by the time she got to work, the first plane had hit the World Trade Center.
Four people in her office died that day.
Much like Sliding Doors, the movie starring Paltrow about a chance romantic encounter that depended on catching a train, Clarke’s life was forever changed by her moment with the actress.
When contacted by The Morton Report, Paltrow’s publicist Stephen Huvane confirmed the accuracy of the incident and added that Paltrow, 38, was “deeply moved” by the story.
Holy. Crap. COME WITH ME AFTER THE JUMP, WON’T YOU:
Look, Gwyneth Paltrow sort of just stumbled into this one. We recognize that. She is not claiming that she saved a life on 9/11, and the closest she has even come to responding to this story is through the mouthpiece of a publicist, which means that she probably doesn’t even know about it. Too busy taking her $2,500 coffee machine to ye repair shoppe. But regardless of her involvement or lack thereof, it is somehow completely befitting that she of all celebrities is the one that gets a story like this, and that it all involves her ALMOST HITTING SOMEONE WITH HER S.U.V. Holy moly. I mean, COME ON. Also, the write-up is basically perfect. Here are a few of my favorite parts:
Gwyneth Paltrow is already an Oscar winner, cookbook author, mother of two and wife of a rock star – and now she can add lifesaver to her list of accomplishments. Haha. Yup.
Both Clarke and the car stopped in their tracks, and as the driver waved her across she realized it was Paltrow behind the wheel. This part seems the most true about the whole story. I definitely believe that after ALMOST CRUSHING SOMEONE WITH HER MERCEDES S.U.V. that Gwyneth Paltrow BENEVOLENTLY waves the poor civilian across the street. “Don’t worry, citizen. My car is fine! No harm no foul. Off to the coal factory with you!”
Four people in her office died that day. Yeah. We kind of all know what happened on 9/11, thanks.
Much like Sliding Doors… NO COMMENT.
…publicist Stephen Huvane confirmed the accuracy of the incident Hahaha. Wait, what? “Yeah, Gwyneth definitely almost killed a pedestrian with her S.U.V. on that horrible day. And also on most other days.”
Unbelievable. UNBELIEVABLE!
Gwyneth Paltrow, you guys. NEVER FORGET.
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Can somebody check if there’s a special edition Blu-ray of Sliding Doors coming out or something? I have a hunch that might have something to do with this story.
It’s like they say: “When God closes a door he kills 3,000 people.”
I keep laughing and then crying when reading this. Just back and forth forever.
My friend met Miranda July and accidentally touched her bum!
Cool story, Harke, cool story indeed.
My favorite part is when the car is barreling towards the lady and she STOPS. Great survival instinct there.
I can’t tell you how much I wish she ran her over and ‘saved her life’ that way. And she would still claim credit for it.
“I do take credit because my driver was off that day and so I was driving myself. And yes, they did get pulled under my car and suffered 4 cracked ribs, multiple broken bones, and internal bleeding, but I knew right then there was an important reason this happened.” Paltrow confirms from her castle while drinking a rare tea that her slaves picked and brewed for her.
Let’s roll (over pedestrians). -GP
This comment from this “Jeb” fella is my nomination for best comment of the week.
They should do a re-boot of LOST only instead of an island its September 11th just kidding
Ground Hog Day II: Sept. 11 Edition (Starring Gwyneth Paltrow)
Plot: Gwyneth can save everyone who perished on that fateful day if she can just learn humility while almost getting in a fender bender with 3,000 different people. The clock is ticking as her ego approaches supernova… Find out the exciting conclusion on opening day 2013 at a theater near you.
September 11th in Love
Gwyneth shows her boobs while pretending to be September 11th.
Did somebody mention Sliding Doors? Let me blow the dust off this one:
I would stab a baby in the face to see this film.
I wonder what GOOP would have to say about your SUV Gwyneth!
Oh, come on. Driving an SUV around Manhattan is the only way to travel.
If she can take credit for saving a life by mere association, well the opposite can just as easily be true. A quick search of Wikipedia indicates that on Gwyneth’s 5th birthday, an airplane crashed into a TV transmission tower in Ontario, Canada. Everyone aboard the aircraft died.
But Gwyneth Fucking Paltrow, mankind’s all-powerful savior once-removed, was off being a selfish bitch, eating some chocolate cake topped with slivers of actual gold, from a bakery her concierge recommended. Let’s see you talk your way out of that one, murderer.
Despite her heroism, Gwyneth is still carries regret from that day.
“I didn’t do enough!”
“You did so much.”
“This car. Ten people right there I could have saved by almost running them over with it. Ten people.”
I’m going to call Ja Rule to get his thoughts on this story.
This is the first of many idiotic stories we will enjoy leading up to the 9/11 anniversary, BUT it needs to be said that this woman was jaywalking, not crossing at the intersection. Not that I’m a GP apologist.
The first? Clearly you’ve never viewed the majestic trainwreck that is the Yahoo.com. They’ve been having stories for weeks, each more meaningless than the last. And even though it’s unrelated to this particular subject, I feel compelled to point out that they have a story today about how Halle Berry is pretty. FRONT PAGE NEWS.
Steve Winwood has a new job?
well, my guess is the woman didn’t expect a car to be coming from that direction, b/c gwennie was driving on the wrong side of the road, because that makes so much more sense, b/c its better to do it the English way.
Great story, People. Thanks for putting more brain-thoughts and ego in that person’s head.
If any of you had dug into the 9/11 Conspiracy far enough, you would know that Paltrow was piloting both planes with a remote control from the comfort of her Mercedes SUV. Had she hit the jaywalking woman, the planes would have likely crashed into the ocean, saving thousands.
She had her motive…it all lead to this:
The other two planes were being flown by terrorists trying to stop Paltrow.
They obviously failed miserably.
Loose Brains
Not that I don’t believe just every single word of this story from People.com, what I’m skeptical about is that GP herself seems like the kind of person that would have also been doing the jaywalking. Maybe there’s something there: Gwyneth saved herself from running over herself on 9-11. Rudy Giuliani is preparing a response.
Sounds like Gwyneth’s very existence just provides more evidence for the existence of Fairy Goopmothers. Magical!
I look forward to finding the image of dear Gwyneth and her
Earth-rapinglife-saving SUV airbrushed onto a plate alongside firefighters, police officers and people pulling strangers out of the rubble and ash. And a crying Statue of Liberty and an American Eagle soaring in the sky. #neverforgetTo clarify: a plate made of the finest bone china and upcycled Portuguese gold leaf that can only be procured from a tiny artisan co-op based out of Williamsburg.Each plate retails for approximately $8,390.
I just learned of these plates when my close friend Moby was in Brooklyn shopping for the perfect hand-made winter scarf as fall is coming and one can never have to many scarves. He saw the plates, first noticing first their fine quality and detailing, then recognizing Gwyneth’s car and later Gwyneth’s shining face. We now use a set of the china whenever he comes over for a vegan bouillabaisse and organic stone bread feast. It’s perfect when you want to add a little kitsch and #neverforget to any meal!
I think I’m straying back into GP Apologist territory, but I find it plausible that she would remember the encounter (if, and only if, it was indeed as close as the pedestrian/rescuee claims). Ten years ago, sure, but I remember everything I did that morning, and I wasn’t even in New York. If I’d been in Manhattan and almost hit a pedestrian who jumped in front of my car an hour before a terrorist attack, I’d remember it too.
Meh, you remember what you were doing, say, a half-hour BEFORE the planes hit? I don’t. Unless this woman acted particularly bizarre I wouldn’t expect GP to remember it either.
I do, however, remember walking out of the subway at 8th St. and thinking, crabbily, “what the fuck are all those idiots gawking at?” That’s basically when the memory tape starts.
Does this mean Paltrow can star in my long gestating tentpole script ’9/11-2′? We already have the tagline (Never forget. Again.) so all she needs to do is sign on the dotted line. STOP BASHING YOUR WOOD BURNING CORVETTE INTO PEDESTRIANS AND SIGN * THE DAMN CONTRACT,
* Originally wrote ‘SING’. Sign the contract, Paltrow! #LOL
yes please do not let her sing
can i point out that i also think i have a problem with the timeline of this story? this lady was on her way to work in the morning, which is peak hours so i bet her train was running every 5-6 mins. so like EVEN IF that brief stop to glare at a celebrity driver who almost hit you caused you to miss your train, you’ll catch the next one in let’s say 6 minutes. and you’re claiming that 6 minute gap is the difference it took between missing the planes totally hitting the towers? if she’d gotten off 6 minutes before, she would have been settled down in her office sipping coffee and in danger of getting smashed, but 6 minutes later, not even to the towers yet – ‘by the time she got to work, the first plane had hit the World Trade Center’? what i’m saying is that even if gwyneth claims full responsibility for making this lady miss her train, i still don’t think that warrants saying her life was saved because of that. i think this lady would have had to have missed 2 or 3 trains for this to make sense at all. i rest my case.
I am not here to offer a witty comment. I’m here to say that is the funniest thing I have read in some time.
What really gets me about this story (you can’t tell but I’m gritting my teeth as I type) is the quote that Gywneth was “moved” by this story. Because I bet Gywneth WAS moved by this story, and now Chris Martin is going to write a song expressing her feelings about it, and it will be just a terrible song.
This story IS a September 11th near-death experience, not at all involving the Twin Towers, but because getting run over by a big SUV will totally kill you. So Gwyneth saved her life exactly once, by carefully braking.
And also, I am kind of worried about this lady now! Not Gywneth (duh) but this lady had two allegedly near-death escapes in one day? That means your life is now Final Destination and you need to stop giving interviews and start doing whatever Devon Sawa did.
I’m really glad I get to watch her at least fake-die in that new Contagion movie.
Ah, Sliding Doors. I remember that movie. That was the movie that made me realize that I was probably watching too many films and I should probably be more selective. As a result, I still haven’t seen Shakespeare In Love. So I guess in a way Gwyneth saved me, too.
I just really like the EMF song.
I’m still trying to figure out why we’re just hearing about this story now. Was this story mentioned when it actually happened 10 years ago and it’s just being repeated now because everyone wants to repeat their 9/11 stories for the 10 year anniversary? Or was this woman keeping this story all to herself just so that she could reveal it 10 years later?
I’ve wondered about that myself, and I have a theory – Gwyneth didn’t stop. She ran the woman down and has kept her in a medically induced coma until such time that her “story” would carry the greatest news/PR weight. 10th anniversary, movie coming out … you do the math.
Gwyneth, even if we can, to a certain degree, say that she saved this woman’s life, still has many noble deeds to accomplish if she ever hopes to erase the fact that SHE CAUSED 9/11.
Wait, GP was in New York on 9/11? Because if memory serves, she was living within SUV-distance of Heathrow in 2006… Anybody happen to have Homeland Security’s phone number?