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Hey, remember last week’s thrilling, pulse-pounding cliffhanger when Vampire Jessica, ensorceled by that witch, threw open the doors to the sunlight and there was a gunshot out on the lawn after Jason Stackhouse got tackled by that guard and it seemed almost certain that he was dead and that Jessica was about to catch on fire? And also remember how last week I pointed out that this was the stupidest, laziest cliffhanger because quite obviously Jason Stackhouse was fine and he was just going to save Jessica in the first 10 seconds of the episode and so it wasn’t even a cliffhanger at all but just a powerful reminder that this show is lazy, poorly written, and total garbage? Well, right. So, the doors open, a tiny whisp of smoke forms on Jessica’s wrist, and then Jason comes running in and tackles her and kicks the door closed the end. WHAT A RELIEF AFTER A WHOLE WEEK OF WONDERING AND STRESSING OUT ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT JUST KIDDING! It is fitting, I guess, that a show about werewolves and vampires and fairies and panther people and shapeshifters and skinwalkers and witches and Greek goddesses (R.I.P.) all having a fuck fest in a swamp treats its audience’s intelligence with exactly the level of respect it thinks it deserves. “Fuck these idiots,” that is what True Blood says to its audience. “They are watching this show so they must be some real dumb dumbs.” Jessica is still under the spell so she attacks Jason and is about to bite him but then the spell wears off (phew! Goooood timing!) and now she is so grateful to Jason for saving her life. Like, super grateful. Like, break up with my boyfriend who is your best friend and make everyone’s lives really impossible grateful. But first, Jason takes her back downstairs and puts the necklaces on her tummy. Want to get something longer than a midriff? NO TIME!
Alcide and his girlfriend have joined a new werewolf pack (oh brother, are there really people who like this show and aren’t embarrassed to talk about it? Because it’s embarrassing to talk about!) and the new pack leader has instructed everyone to stay out of the fight between the vampires and the witches. Haha. Sure. No problem, chief. One “pup,” which is what the adult werewolves call the teenage werewolves, talks a big game about the vampires and later gets into a fight at the barbecue. Oh, pups. When will they learn?! Aclide’s girlfriend tells him that this means he can’t be friends with Sookie anymore because the werewolves aren’t supposed to get mixed up with the vampire vs. witches and Sookie is Team Edward. Alcide promises that she has nothing to worry about. I bet that’s a solid promise. I bet that is just a rock solid promise.
Every once in awhile, something happens on this show that is actually, well, not interesting, but suggestive of something that COULD be interesting? This week it is when the werewolf pack leader goes to his ex-wife’s house to tuck his daughter into bed and it turns out that his ex-wife is Sam’s new girlfriend. Oh, it’s still super stupid and I think he says something like “you just pissed on the wrong paws” to Sam because UGH OF COURSE but, I don’t know, just the idea of a werewolf having a drawn out custody battle with his ex-wife and feeling pangs of jealousy when she has a new (shapeshifter, oof) boyfriend is almost interesting. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING GUYS DON’T WORRY I’M AN ADULT FORGET IT I WAS KIDDING.
Eric and Sookie fuck in a magical forest forever.
I honestly have no idea what is even going on here and for as much as I don’t care about what happens on this show anymore, I really do not care about this. They keep talking about what is possible (“anything,” apparently) and staying in a forest forever and also it is snowing and later they are just in bed so I guess that was some kind of blood dream I don’t know I hate it.
The witch is pissed off because she did that whole spell and only one vampire died. Haha. That is funny. That WOULD be very frustrating, if you were a 400-year-old witch. “Shoot,” that’s what you would say. “Gosh dang it.” Bill sets up a meeting with the witch at the cemetery at midnight. UH. No. I’m sorry. No! NO! Why does the meeting have to be in a cemetery at midnight? I know this show isn’t for teenage girls because there is TOO MUCH RAW DOGGING. So, this show is for adults. I’m even willing to accept that. But vampires and witches meeting in a cemetery at midnight? It is enough to make a man give up. Also, every time this witch comes face to face with an actual vampire, she just immediately puts a super-powerful spell on them that makes their brains fall out and their faces melt off, so what exactly is the game-plan here, Bill? (Needless to say, when they all show up at the cemetery and the witch DOESN’T just make Bill stab himself in the dick with a wooden spike it’s like, wait, what are YOU up to? What is anyone ever up to?)
Jessica goes home and breaks up with Hoyt and murders Hoyt. Whoa! Then she fucks Jason in a truck with her face covered in his best friend’s blood. Wait a second. Oh, OK, it was just a dream. But later she does break up with Hoyt and he smashes the stuff and screams the screams. She cries blood tears. SAVE IT, LADY. She immediately goes to Jason’s house and he is rightfully like “No way, Vampire Jose.” He rescinds his invitation and the magic wind sucks her out of the house. (This is a very silly part of the vampire mythology. I mean, I am fine with the part where you have to invite them in, but disinviting them and they get tossed out on their butts? LOL.) Aww, poor Baby Jessica. She’ll bounce back. She’ll go on vdate and meet a nice Vampire Lawyer (from Fangstein and Biteman) and settle down, I’m sure.
Oh, Tommy steals Hoyt’s mom’s frock and skinwalks into her body to get a natural gas land grant deal. Whatever.
I like that Tommy went to all the trouble to break into a woman’s house and steal her jewelry so that he would really look the part, but then as soon as he walks in the door he’s slamming down shots and calling everyone a fucking asshole. Mr. Cool Disguise over here.
Oh, and Lafayette gets possessed by a Southern Gothic stereotype and steals a baby.
So, the Vampire Sharks meet the Witch Jets at the cemetery.
Sookie is there. And Tara. Everyone’s there, basically. It’s very tense, as you can imagine. WHAT WILL HAPPEN?! You have no idea how much I wish they all just slaughtered each other. Oh, there is also a human SWAT team? Because the witches can only cast spells on vampires? Is that even true? You would think that any witch spell that can control vampires would be way more complicated than a witch spell to control humans. Although, I guess the vampires have a lock on that with the whole glamouring thing, which Bill uses earlier in the episode to get a televised press conference (WHAT?). Eric does slaughter one of them. He runs across the yard and pulls someone’s spine out, or something. Uh oh, that does it! The witch casts a FOG SPELL and the whole place is shrouded in FUCKING MAGIC FOG LOLOLOLOLOL.
Everyone starts running and fighting but I swear to god it feels like a game of Capture the Flag at sleepaway camp. Seriously. What a bunch of dorks. Pam is about to eat Tara but Bill commands her to leave Tara alone forever. “This is so fucking LAME,” Pam says. I agree with Pam, Bill. Sookie gets shot. YAY!
Alcide shows up by surprise and saves her. BOO! Meanwhile, Alcide’s girlfriend has been chasing him as a werewolf through the woods the whole time and now she is jealous. And naked. But mostly jealous. Also, so much for their heightened dog senses? She was, like, two feet behind him the whole way and he never even noticed. YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE A MAJESTIC WEREWOLF, MY FRIEND. Bill gets silvered. Eric gets spelled. The witch laughs.
Ugh.
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so much killing, so little Tara killing…
I’m sad Gabe didn’t spend more time on the blood-induced dream state sex between Eric and Sookie. I really feel like, at that moment, this show reached a new epic low for eye-rolling flim-flammery.
I’m sad Gabe didn’t point out that Debbie said “I met some real nice bitches tonight” after their Werewolf BBQ.
You’re welcome, everybody.
It’s porn. True Blood tries to give us story, but we’re just like, shut up, this is terrible, just get to the gross fucking already so we can be uncomfortable.
Every time I want to hate on Tru Blood and the people who watch it I remind myself that I watched all of Lost. And then I sigh deeply.
bob dole you are so right. I’m going to go heat a little Jiffy Pop and feel bad about myself. But only five minutes. Self loathing should only be limited to five minutes. With a timer
Couldn’t tell which forest sex scene was hotter, Eric and Sookie in Narnia or Walter White and Shrek in Far Far Away.
Woah, please explain that latter reference.
Due to a physical resemblance and her penchant for ill-fitting burlap outfits, I refer to Skylar as Shrek. When she has sex with Walt, I call it Shrex.
“Oh my god, now they’re going to go into the forest and fuck Mr. Tumnus,” my husband.
Can we talk about Tara for a second?
“No!” – everyone
Too bad, everyone. What was going on in the scene where Witch Hazel* was telling Tara about how she was going to kill all of the vampires? At first Tara was appalled that they were just going to get all genocidal, but within three lines of dialog she was on board with the whole plan. So did her moral objections just evaporate? Because Witch Hazel did not make one single argument to change her mind. I think Tara might be a shitty character, you guys.
*yes, I am calling the witch lady “Witch Hazel” now
i’m calling her “molly shannon’s weird aunt” from now on. sorry, molly shannon!
I’m just gonna keep calling her Harry Potter’s weird aunt.
Y’KNOW WHO ELSE SHE IS???
I always ask friends who like TrueBlood “so, didn’t it get hella crazy and introduce all these fantasy concepts that don’t fit and do all this stupid stuff. Why do you still like it?”
To which they reply, “WELL, I’ve only seen season 1, BUT…”
So, I think it’s fair to say that to be a TrueBlood fan in 2011, you must have stopped watching it in 2009.
That’s my story!
Oh man, Mark Bellhorn. Hello.
My absolute favorite line from this episode was when Andy was drooling over the vampire remains in the middle of the street and Jason confronted him on it. Andy started talking about his addiction problem, something that I’m sure would have been very heartfelt and potentially could have pushed him to some 12 step V addiction program or something but Jason shuts him down by saying (paraphrase)”What? Sorry, Andy, I just stopped listening half way through that.” THE most honest, non-crazy words you can actually believe a real idiot like Jason Stackhouse could say to a real person. I laughed and felt like the other 43 minutes of watching this insanity fest was worth it.
Also, I tried uninviting True Blood from my house but sadly the show didn’t get sucked into a vortex. It was worth a try.
I like that Jason Stackhouse. He says what we’re all thinking. And he dresses like a stripper cop.
“You are under arrest… for stealing the scene.”
I like that Jason Stackhouse more than that Alcide Herveaux whom I like more than that Vampire Bill Compton, but guess what I like way more?
great work! i like him best sookie isn’t next to him being all “look at my man blah blah..” btw i’m getting such a chain-letter-vibe from you posting this!
(he does look smaller, though?)
So much of last night’s episode felt like it was cribbed from these posts:
– Erik in a white bed, almost in this exact pose
– Pam bitching about how lame it is she can’t kill Tara
– The exaggerated Hoyt/Jessica drama and then what actually happened and how you know Gabe secretly wants to rewrite their breakup on Thursday but can’t
– The creepy doll origin story
Thanks for reading our thoughts, True Blood writers. I’d like more naked Alcide, when you get a chance.
Does he shave his armpits?!!?!
WHY did you have to point that out? Now that’s all I’m going to see.
Can you wear stripper clothes in public?
“I don’t know. You tell me.” –Jason Stackhouse
I do keep waiting for his stripping “instincts” to kick in one of these days.
“They’re not real cops. Look at how hot they are!” — GOB Bluth
he was on Reno 9-111! How did you know
” I would do nudity if it were the right role”
- Not Anna Pacquin
ALL THESE SEEMINGLY UNRELATED STORIES EVENTUALLY INTERSECT! LIKE LOVE ACTUALLY! VAMPIRE ACTUALLY!
Gabe, I thoroughly enjoy your recaps every week – they are witty, concise, and appropriately make fun of the ridiculousness of it all.
But my favorite part of these recaps, BY FAR are the screen grabs with captions.
“Don’t bring a witch to a basketball shorts fight” and “Frere Jaques” probably made me laugh as hard as I will laugh all day. Thank you.
I know there are so many people who ship Eric and Sookie or whatever, but why would anyone ship any relationship on this stupid show (that is not related to Jessica or Hoyt or Jason)?
I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
I have to say that I LOVED Layfayette’s immediate exit upon seeing the Southern Gothic ghost lady. Is it that he has normal reactions to weirdness that makes him so great? (Though I am getting bored at the constant “aww HELL NO” response, though it seemed appropriate when he saw the lady at the restaurant, pre-possession.)
And then I got nervous that no one would even notice that he was possessed because they’re all wrapped up in their own awfulness and just homophobic enough to assume he was taking on a new personality to go with his new MAC eyeshadow. He wears MAC, right? I doubt there’s a Sephora in Bon Temps, but I’m sure he can drive to a Macy’s in Shreveport for some quality makeup. He’s fancy like that.
You gotta love Lafayette’s “Oh just lying on the couch sleeping in my PJs” outfit.
Shreveport has no quality anything unless you count institutionalized racism.
amidst all the vampires and werewolves and witches and fairies, and all the soft porn involving eric and sookie, the fact that lafayette’s DIDN’T say aww hell no was just the most confusing to me, too. very surprising and original writing. very good show. – me.
When you’re a Vampire Jet
you’re a Vampire Jet all the way
from your first sip of True Blood
to your last The True Death dying day
Vampires just wanna live in Amereeka
The best part was when Lafayette woke up from his bad dream about the bad acting of the ghost lady and some dude from Southern California who had a bebe together in like 1719062.
The one “pup” is totally the Jesse Pinkman of that wolfpack. He was all like “YO!” and they were all like “SHUT UP” and soon he is going to shoot them in the eye while they make tea and sing in Italian! You just wait, PACK!
The reference to a televised vampire press conference (sidebar: HAHAHA WHAT?) raises this question for me:
Are there humans in True Blood Land who aren’t away that basically every single person is a fairy or a vampire or a werewolf or a panther person or a shapeshifter or an oh my god this list is so long what is with this show? Are they all worried about secrecy at all?
Don’t ask questions, just enjoy the gratuitous nudity.
Can someone please explain the Eric & Sookie “becoming one” BS? Sookie has already drank Eric’s blood. So why did she need to drink it again to go off to winter wonderland? What is that all about?
Probable Answer: It’s called lazy writing. Get used to it, cundela.
i have the feeling drinking each others’ blood at the same time is like getting to fifth base in the true blood universe. it’s so sexy! (also not a good metaphor)
That bugged me too. Didn’t she drink his blood or he drink her blood in like season 2 around the time of the house party in Dallas where (SPOILER ALERT – if anyone cares) Godric died? Something else, didn’t King Bill Compton tell Sookie that if she ever set foot on his property again he’d have her executed or something? The whole Vampire-Baby Jessica being stronger than Vampire-King Bill Compton is still bothering me from last week.
And why didn’t it happen to Bill and Sookie ever? They both drank each other’s blood. Multiple times! Ugh.
Yea it was so stupid. Especially in comparison to the books…Sookie would never agree to sucking down tons of his blood that quick. It made her seem really weak and naive, which Sookie definitely is not.
I NEED SOME LOVE LIKE I NEVER NEEDED LOVE BEFORE (wanna make vampire love 2 ya baybay)
Thanks a lot Gabe for getting that song stuck in my head. Wilde is on the vampires’ side; I think he’d appreciate Pam’s humor and Eric’s beauty.
You know, not to over think this nonsense, which is already over thinking it, but Tommy… If you can skinshift or whatever the hell he can do, why Hoyt’s mom? Aren’t there about a MILLION other people one could think of to change into to get money? Of course, that involves leaving Ala-sippi-siana-texarcana but seriously, we need some of these freakshows to leave anyway!!! Can we please get rid of somebody?
This show is so ridiculous that none of the scary stuff has seemed scary for four seasons–until those ghosty possession scenes with Lafayette and Witch Hazel (nice, R2D2). Oh my god those freak my shit out.
Who invites a Necromancer to a graveyard to fight? That is like inviting a gun to a bullet factory to throwdown.
can I just say for the record how much I love the ridiculous southernisms on this show. I swear Andy said “Jesus Tits and God America” when he was looking at that pile of vampire guts.
I daresay if I do not observe an elevation of the tone of the general discourse found herein I might, perforce, reduce my visits to this locale.
Ever your humble servant
David Denby
I still don’t know why Tara is even hanging around. And why does Fiona Shaw’s accent keep changing from Transylvanian to a sort of Spanish-ish accent?
Ok, a few things:
1. Sam’s girlfriend’s daughter is SO FUCKING ANNOYING. “This is my cat Barbie she doesn’t like you heehee”. Omg shut up kid, you’re not being cute.
2. What the hell is up with the false eyelashes on all the girls? I know most people won’t notice this, but I do and it annoys the hell out of me. This is something I started noticing last season, Sookie got back from being in the hospital or something…she was supposed to look all bruised and tired, but her eyelashes were ridiculously huge. This season I’ve noticed Tara and Jessica also with them…you can see from the side, their lashes go out really far and curl up. I understand the makeup department wants to make everyone look pretty, but this is supposed to be a small Southern town…who wears false lashes?! And when Tommy turned into Maxine, she had them on too! Yea, I’m sure Tommy made sure to put on fake lashes before he headed out.
3. Eric & Sookie – are we supposed to care about this relationship? It’s sooo vomit inducing, and not because of the whole drinking eachother’s blood thing. Why are they so muchy and lovey-dovey? It’s just annoying.
4. Ooooh this is an even better cliffhanger than last week! I’m so worried Sookie won’t make it!!! Come on now, really?! Even if she did die, would anyone care? She’s been annoying me lately, I sure wouldn’t give a crap.
Whoops, in 3. I meant “mushy”