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So, that old scrapbooking witch who runs the scented candle store is 100% 400-year-old Spanish witch now. U GOT POSSESS’D! She uses her Vampire Powers to make it look like she is being attacked in her prison cell so that the librarian from Witch Club runs in with her gun drawn, but it turns out she got Spike Lee’s Bamboozled because now she is total Vampire Meat. I am not entirely clear when the librarian became the head of the SWAT Team, but I guess she is, so she makes all the guards stand down and then Vampire Jose breaks her neck (“no blood,” the witch says, without explaining why no blood). I do have a question just right off the bat: if the 400-year-old Spanish witch can control all of the vampires then how did she get caught and raped and burned at the stake in the first place? Nevermind, who gives a shit. Jose attacks Vampire King Bill in his office. There is a gunshot and some rolling around on the floor. You know, considering how fast the vampires can usually move with all the running and flying and fighting and jumping, it turns out that they roll around and crawl on their elbows just as slowly as anyone else. There is a tug of war for the Sacred Execution Stick Of Wood From The Velvet Case. Bill gets the upper-hand on Jose, which makes no sense since Jose is hundreds of years older than him and it has always been explained that a vampire’s strength in comparison to other vampire’s is directly related to their age difference, and this is one of the more egregious examples of the ways in which this show never follows its own internal logic to a point that would be maddening if you weren’t required to turn off your brain before they even play that HBO fuzzy static Dolby™ sound. Anyway, Jose pulls the stake into himself and explodes in a pile of GUTZ but not before telling Vampire King Bill that the witch from 400 years ago is back. Bill makes this face:
Meanwhile, Pam is about to kill Tara in the parking lot of Merlotte’s. You guys, we should eat at Merlotte’s more! So much seems to happen in that parking lot, it is almost hard to believe. Pam is about to kill her but then a crowd of people gather around shooting video of it on their telephones for YouTube and Access Vampirewood. Someone shouts something about Pam being a zombie and Pam gets so mad and is like “I’m not a zombie!” Although, it’s kind of strange this show doesn’t have zombies yet. A rare miss, True Blood. Pam runs away. Tara’s girlfriend tries to get her to move back to New Orleans with her, but instead Tara breaks up with her. Wait, what? She says something about how she is having enough trouble holding her own life together that she doesn’t want to be responsible for her girlfriend’s life, too. Well, you’re not? This is a thing that happens in movies and TV that does not happen in real life. People in real life hold onto their relationships until every last bit of sustaining energy has been sucked from them, and then they drop the wilted carcass on the dirty floor. No one walks away at the moment that they most need love and support out of some inflated sense of heroic selflessness. Whatever. Tara is “the one that got away,” I’m sure.
Something something Lafayette is a medium. I’m sorry, I cannot get into this plotline. And I love Lafayette! But it’s just sort of boring. Like, they spent three episodes talking about going to Mexico, going to Mexico, and coming back from Mexico just so that Lafayette could see some pied noir au pair in the kitchen at Merlotte’s singing “Frere Jacques” to a devil baby? MOVE IT ALONG, SHOW.
Sam finds out that his brother took his form and also fucked his new girlfriend. Eek! He is pretty PO’ed about it. SHIFT AT ME, BRO! He sits creepily by Tommy’s bedside while Tommy has a nice nap, and then when Tommy wakes up he shoves his forearm in his throat and tells him to get the hell out. Uh, Sam? Tommy insists that he is sorry, which, OK, that is kind of a weak apology, Tommy.
Like, it’s one thing to shift into your brother’s form, we’ve ALL been there, and maybe you even get a little overzealous and fire half of the employees at his restaurant and run his business into the ground. Sure, it happens. But you did fuck his girlfriend. She is hot, but come on, man. Be cool! But, more importantly, I will tell you this: if MY brother ever shape-shifted into MY form and then fucked MY girlfriend I would KEEP MY EYES ON HIM FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES. It’s like they say, keep your friends close and your skinwalking relatives closer. I wouldn’t just kick him out of the house and let him wander the swamp. This is just a bad strategy.
Oh, just in case you thought that Sookie and Eric’s vaseline-lensed sensual FUCK FEST was safely behind you, tucked away in last week’s episode: SURPRISE!
Vampire King Bill tells everyone that the 400-year-old Spanish witch is back, and he insists that the vampires need to evacuate the area, and those who remain should silver themselves so that she cannot cast a spell on them and draw them into the sunlight. (Incidentally, this is exactly what the witch tries to do, which seems mildly convenient. Like, from a tactical standpoint, you would think either the witch would change it up a little bit and catch the vampires by surprise with a new scheme, or the vampires would have the timetable wrong, and she would wait two weeks to draw them into the sunlight when they weren’t expecting it. But no. It’s just that she is immediately going to draw them into the sunlight and they knew that so they took precautions. OK!) Everyone gets silvered. Here’s a pro-tip: if you are a vampire and you are about to get silvered, DON’T wear a halter-top.
Bill stops by Sookie’s house and the place just REEKS of fucking. He brings a velvet bag of silver chains to silver Eric to protect him from the witch. Sookie silvers him in the basement. “I must be very powerful” he says, because of all the silver. I like how Sookie just lays some silver on his throat. Is that really all it takes? Later in the episode, we will learn that when Vampire King Bill almost silvered Jessica’s throat but then decided against it, he made a mistake, because she just rips off all the silver chains and heads right upstairs. Is there, like, a Wikipedia page that explains how this silver thing works? Because it seems VERY confusing. “Sometimes all you need are silver handcuffs and sometimes you need a pile of silver chains loosely draped and sometimes you need the silver chains to be deadbolted. It all just depends on how big of a pile of horseshit this show is.” Anyway, Sookie and Eric are being super lovey-dovey and she keeps talking about how badly she wants him and he is talking about how he doesn’t want to become the mean old vampire that he used to be. What’s up with Sookie on this one, though? Like, if you had a long, traumatic herstory of someone constantly trying to rape and murder you, would it really be enough for them to just say “me confused!” and flash vampire puppy dog eyes at you? And even if that was enough for you to be generous of spirit towards them, and help guide them through this difficult and confusing time, would it really make your pussy so wet? I am sorry, that is gross, but that is literally what is happening here, so we might as well just ask the tough questions.
Alcide joins a werewolf club and fucks his wife a little bit but not enough.
Pam consults some kind of vampire dermatologist who starts her on a beauty treatment regimen that involves six shots four times a day for the rest of eternity. Yikes. But also: haha. I mean, it is just funny that there is an actual MEDICAL TREATMENT AVAILABLE for a VAMPIRE WHOSE FACE IS SLOUGHING OFF IN CHUNKS. Who knew that this problem of Pam’s was treatable the whole time. Anyway, she looks great.
I will say that the Vampire Dermatologist who treats her is the best lady.
I wish she had her own show. It would be called Shaddup.
Speaking of Pam, Tara is drinking a bottle of vodka on the side of the road when she thinks she hears Pam in the forest. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I was drinking vodka on the side of the road and I thought I heard Pam in the forest I would ask her to marry me either run away or stand my ground. What I would not do is just stumble blindly into the forest while shouting drunken threats and also throw away my vodka bottle which is the closest thing I had to a weapon. But it is not Pam. It is the witch. What was she doing in the woods? What the FUCK is everyone always doing in the woods? The witch says that she and Tara are a lot alike, what with them both being 400-year-old necromancers reincarnated in candle-dipper’s bodies. She urges Tara to join her cause and destroy the vampires. Tara agrees. She also gets, like, six other waitresses to team up. Oh shit. WAITRESS COVEN! So, the gang gets together and starts their chant and thus begins the CURSE OF THE TERRIBLE ACTING.
Holy moly. You guys, we have a lot of fun around Videogum with the questionable choices that celebrities occasionally (regularly) make, and we are constantly criticizing things for not being good enough or being cash grabs or whatever, but at the end of the day, acting is a relatively thankless profession. Very few people ever get successful enough at it that they’re able to make their own creative decisions, and usually as an actor you are at the whim of the project. These people sign long-term, restrictive contracts that require them to basically do whatever the show or network asks of them for years and years and years with little to no say in what that might mean for them as human beings or creative people. That’s just the nature of the business, but what I am trying to say is that it’s hard to find work no matter what, and once you find work it is always respectable to do it the best you can. For all the teasing that we do, we should be a little bit more respectful, at least from time to time, of how difficult it must be to navigate the acting waters. BUT BOY OH BOY ALL OF THE PEOPLE DRESSED UP AS VAMPIRES WITH SILVER CHAINS DRAPED ON THEIR TUMMIES SCREAMING AND THRASHING IN THEIR VAMPIRE PRISON BEDS AND YELLING “SUUUUN LET ME AT THE SUUUUN” IS ONE OF THE FUNNIER GARBAGE THINGS I’VE SEEN IN AWHILE.
Haha. Acting! How many takes do you think they had to do? I hope it was a lot.
They show some old black lady vampire walk out into the sun in burst into flames, as if to prove to us that the spell really works? Relax, True Blood. This is the seventh episode of season four. We “believe” you! Anyway, Baby Jessica tears off her chains (Yoops! That was easy!) and crawls upstairs. Bill commands her to take off his chains but even that doesn’t work!! This must be SOME spell! Meanwhile, Detective Jason Stackhouse is running to Bill’s house to save Jessica. He tackles one of the SWAT guys. Jessica opens the door and the sunlight comes flooding in. There is a gunshot. The end. UGH. Really? I know this is supposed to be an exciting cliff-hanger, but it’s not. It reminds me of the first season of Heroes where each episode would have some amazing cliffhanger and then the whole thing would just be casually dismissed within the first five minutes of the following episode. You know that Jason isn’t dead. You know that Jessica isn’t going to burn up. So, whatever. WHO CARES! ERIC DOESN’T CARE! I wish this show would walk out into the sun.
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“Don’t silver me, bro!” – 2008 vampires
“Fake and Silver Lake” -R2D2, Esq.
“They silverin’ everybody out here.” – Lawblog Dodson
“I can haz silver.” – lolsuperglue
“Would it really make your pussy so wet?” -Gabe Delahaye
“How should we handle this sex scene, Mr. Director?”-Script Man
“GET ME THE SEX SCENE FROM TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE!”-Mr. Director
BUT WHERE ARE THE BASKETBALL SHORTS???!!
The borts, if you will.
I don’t know about you guys, but I definitely yell out “THE SUUNNNNNNNNNN” in agony every Saturday and Sunday morning (and occasionally on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…)
Looks like those vampires might as well be
YEAAAAAHHHHHH!
I came here to comment. I left assured that my inferior comment would have no place above or below this perfect gif.
That needed to be the song title in this episode or whatever
eat the eggs!!!!!!
I think the LEAST they could do is pull a Game of Thrones and just go ahead and kill Jessica. They never kill any of the “good” characters, not since grammy anyway. Witches, ghosts, devil babies, mediums blah blah blah this show needs to step up it’s game. I like Jessica and everything, she’s really pretty and stuff but she won’t actually be missed very much.
p.s: why doesn’t my gif icon move anymore?
I completely agree. If the writers had any sense of actually how to write something compelling, they would have had Hoyt running to save her. he just got done talking about how he couldn’t live without her. But, come on this is True Blood, so the plot CANNOT be cohesive or move forward in any consistant way.
It is such a tragedy, for in this episode 4 people almost died (Tara, Tommy, Jessica, Jason), but you know very well none of them will EVER DIE.
Speaking of Tara, the next time she almost is killed/almost kills herself/almost leaves forever and DOESN’T I am going to – well, still watch the show cause I love it – but I will be very frustrated about it!
I really thought we were almost rid of Tara this time. That would have been so ballsy!
I will be PISSED if Vampire Jessica burns up. She has always been one of this ridiculous show’s saving graces.
Yea the acting was AWFUL at the end…really, they had to scream about the sun? It was almost as ridiculous as last season when Sookie rescinded Bill’s invitation and he blew out of the house!
And with all the security they have, they couldn’t have some guards blocking to doors to outside? Or at least cover the doors with silver?
“Nope, silvering themselves is all they need to do.” – True Blood
But at least Pam had a Ginger to ride her coffin for her and orgasm/protect Pam from getting out?!
Haha I actually loved that scene…I think that was def supposed to be a ridiculous scene cus Ginger is such a ditz. She cracks me up
Don’t they need to kill off Jessica sometime in the near future anyway? Because I remember when she got turned into a vampire she was going to be 17 forever but not even the most talented actress can act through the ravages of time. Or will this show just come up with a bullshit reason for why she is special and aging? (not even really a question)
She was in her mid-20s when they cast her as a 17-year-old; so I feel like her aging is the least of this show’s problems, reality wise.
True but I have a finite amount of disbelief to suspend and this show is always testing me.
the main problem (as if there is only one), is that in the entire run of the show only about a year and change have passed, and most of that was due to sookie’s visit to the pier one fairy cocktail party.
There are a these shows where you really hope that the characters who are in the arms of death somehow will manage to escape. If they don’t, you feel really bummed out. Game of Thrones comes to mind. Good shows like that.
Then there are shows where you constantly hope that characters will die, and as they escape what appears to be certain death, you are left very disappointed. True Blood comes to mind. Terrible show that way.
“Please don’t kill me”
*singing
how about jessica going all jack shepard at the end there? WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE THE (VAMPIRE) ISLAND.
i agree with you on this, gabe: “What’s up with Sookie on this one, though? Like, if you had a long, traumatic herstory of someone constantly trying to rape and murder you, would it really be enough for them to just say “me confused!” and flash vampire puppy dog eyes at you? And even if that was enough for you to be generous of spirit towards them, and help guide them through this difficult and confusing time, would it really make your pussy so wet?” (good question!) and yeah, sookie is so weird! the politics of this show are not just confusing but sort of wrong.
but then i realize:
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
I gotta admit I just downvoted you because that image is just the right size, with no apology necessary… No reason…
i just did the same thing.
im tempted now to litter this comment thread with the hugest pictures i can find (on my hard disk, in the folder that’s called “misc. future plans & hopes too high, probably”).
can i request a giant alcide? maybe one big enough that I could print out and hang on my wall?
something like this you mean? (@badideajeans)
Not big enough.
i’ve never been so happy to be downvoted! i’m just glad someone understands.
OMG that was the greatest thing ever!!!!!!!!!
TWSS
I would really love to sink THAT Battleship.
I bet Bill didn’t expect Spanish Inquisition Vampire to betray him! You see, because, Monty Python, joke…is this thing on?
Aaaanyways, Bill shot SIV with a gun he had in his desk, so maybe it was loaded w/ silver bullets? Which weakened him enough to enable Bill to overpower him? “Always Be Prepared” – Vampire Scouts.
Also, did Eric’s fuck thrusts propel him & Sookie back to her house? It was all “sex, sex, sex, oh, we’re home!” I wouldn’t want to walk across *that* path, although I’d probably just be like “hmm, that must’ve been 1 big snail!”
We all know that every magic shop/bar/vampire bar/forest/cemetery/Vampire King’s house/Sookie’s house is within a two second radius of each other…. JEEZ!
SIV kind of staked himself in the end; so maybe he wasn’t really in it to win it? /explaining this trash heap.
Oh man, Pam and her anti-rot treatment. I know that some people are willing to subject themselves to all manner of painful procedures in the name of vanity, but do you really go through that whole excruciating skin-waxing and shot regiment *immediately* before being covered a flesh-melting silver blanket and locked in your Barbie casket for the next 12 hours? You sure you don’t hold off on the treatment until *after* you take off the chain-mail Snuggie and the witch curse passes? I realize that pointing out a logic gap on this show is like complaining about a loose door nob on the Titanic, but still.
And while we’re on the tasteful subject of vampire sexing, do male vampire’s ejaculate? If so, what? We know/assume they can’t reproduce sexually, so are they shooting dead sperm? Or are they just dry heaving down there? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!
am i the only one who thinks they just ejaculate blood? not to be disgusting but they cry blood, too. but that’s assuming some measure of internal consistency in this show. (i shouldn’t)
Blood sperm? Haha, ew! I was going to mention that possibility, but I ruled it out due to Sookie not FREAKING THE F OUT after having sex w/ Bill the 1st time.
ok you’re asking for more grossness now, but wouldn’t she sort of expect.. blood? it was her first time, too? i’m really not comfortable being the one to bring all this up but someone has to do it?
I’m sure she’d be a little concerned w/ blood coming out of Bill’s vampenis, no?
Is anybody here a Vampire Doctor? We need answers, stat! 50 cc’s of knowledge!
i’d also like to know what the HIV scare of the 1980s did to the vampire community. we need that nurse doing pam’s facials.
Did any of you unfortunate souls who have read the source material notice they called Hoyt “Bubba” last night? I was kind of relieved. Because as much as I’d love to see Gabe’s reaction when they introduce a mentally dysfunctional Elvis vampire into this mix, I’m more relived for me that they will not.
Haha I didn’t notice that…but it’s good they don’t have Bubba on the show. In the books it’s good because there’s not as many odd storylines as the show, but yea on the show it would be a bit much
I think they are just waiting to bring him on. They are at full character capacity right now. They need to kill off a few characters before bringing any new ones on (Tara fingers crossed).
Yea Tara just pisses me off now, it sucks because in the first season I loved her!
To be honest, I don’t watch True Blood since I can just read these highly accurate recaps. But I do watch The Glee Project and their choreographer is (to me) a dead (undead?) ringer of Eric Northman. In fact I call him Choreographer Eric Northman…Also Ryan Murphy is really John Malkovich. #offtopicgum
I just want to know the Lafayette short cut that allows one to drive from “20 miles from Shreveport” to Mexico in about 1 hour. I be getting all the prescription meds.
This Almodovar reference is basically the best Almodovar reference.
Still better then Entourage!
I have definitely laughed more recently during True Blood than Entourage, sometimes at things that were meant to be Vampire Funny.
Oh, and I love how Jesus’ grandfather comes out of the room and says, “I was busy fucking my wife”. Haha gross. And how is that supposed to be his GRANDFATHER? The dude’s like 50 years old, looks more like his father
“Pied noir” refers to French citizens born in Algeria, it has nothing to do with French speakers in Louisiana