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Just in case you were worried that the Gwyneth Paltrow Garbage Quotes Train had left the station and wasn’t coming back, Elle magazine has a Gwyneth Paltrow photo spread along with pullquotes from their recent interview with her, and holy moly, FULL STEAM AHEAD, BOYS! Listen to some of this nonsense:
On getting support from Beyoncé on her surprise duet with Cee Lo Green at the Grammys: “This story always makes me cry…It’s 10 in the morning and Beyoncé schleps it all the way down to the Staples Center to watch. I mean, She’s Beyoncé !”
This story makes you CRY?! It makes you cry. Look, either you’re friends with Beyonce or you’re not friends with Beyonce, but if you’re friends with Beyonce then this story is just about your friend being supportive of you. The fuck are you even talking about even actually?
On creating a solo album: “Beyoncé and Jay—they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go…in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do.”
This is just a cool way to make music. Very cool. Not self-entitled, self-aggrandizing, and a complete insult to anyone with genuine musical talent who is trying to find their way in this world.
On deciding to launch GOOP: “When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some… restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris? People know that I know that…”
Pardonez-moi, monsieur, ou est le GREAT BAR WITH ORGANIC WINE? Guys, don’t you hate it when your concierge sends you to some…restaurant when he should be sending you to get a bikini wax? People know that she knows that.
On choosing not to go to her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin for advice on music: “[He’s] a musical genius. It’s like living with Picasso, and being like, ‘Should I make a little something-something?’”
Chris Martin of Coldplay is basically Picasso 4 SURE.
OK, but here is the best one:
On showing the world a different side of herself: “If you speak to my friends who’ve known me since I was four, they’ll say, ‘That is her.’ They always said to me, ‘You’re the dirtiest person in the world and so funny. Show the world that side of you.’ I felt guarded. I felt like if I really showed people more of me and I was still not accepted, then…Who cares. You just realize it doesn’t matter what people think of you.”
First of all, it is always very smart to TELL people how funny you are. That’s what funny people do. They tell you how funny all of their friends have always said they were. HAHAHAHA, you ARE funny! (The only thing lamer than telling people that your friends all say you are so funny is telling people that your friends all say you are so crazy.) Also, who are these four-year-olds saying “you’re the dirtiest person in the world”? Yikes. But most importantly, this is one of those celebrity interview things that is not exclusive to Gwynnie B but is such a THING and also so AWFUL which is called “explaining why you OWE IT TO THE WORLD to SHARE YOURSELF with all of us.” It would basically be a crime if she was to keep the real her private. She might as well be arrested and go to jail, it just wouldn’t be fair if she didn’t let her light shine. All her four-year-old friends were always saying so.
Ugh. This woman.
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I don’t think someone as tone deaf as GP should be looking into recording an album.
But there is autotune to fix that. But really we could just cut out the middleman and summon the masses of Youtube to make an autotune remix of her speaking.
As Gwyneth herself would probably remind you: its Academy Award Winning Terrible Person, Gwyneth Paltrow.
“He’s a musical genius. It’s like living with Picasso.”
Maybe your concierge could send you to an art history class, Gwynnie.
Or perhaps he could provide her with the name of a renowned musician to compare him to.
Gwyneth would NEVER end a sentence with a preposition.
Or the name of anyone with ears.
And a music history class because REALLY? The COLDPLAY guy?
“Picasso Martin had a talent, but he didn’t use it in any significant way.” – Thomas Kinkade, Stereogum commenter.
Yup, I just revisited the Videogum Nicholas Sparks smackdown post.
Sometimes when I feel like having a good vomit, I picture Chris Martin and Gwyneth dueting around the piano while their wholesome organic dinner is being cleaned up by the servants. I BET THEY DUET ON THE WORST SONGS.
Ahh! Your avatar! Brian Stack! <3
Tough break Beyonce and Jay-Z. Gwyneth wanted your musical advice so guess that only makes you the Frida Kahlo and Salvador Dali of the musical world.
Wasn’t living with Picasso like being in a living hell tortured by a control freak monster who wanted to destroy you?Perhaps Gwyneth is pleading for help with the finesse and subtlety that her four year old friends were always complimenting her on.
My mom really likes her. That explains everything.
My parents really like Two And A Half Men. Parents like terrible things. That is just a fact. The day my son was born I bought an Everclear CD.
This is true. My mom always tells me how funny Big Bang Theory is. I have been able to at least partially destroy her affinity for crappy police/law dramas by showing her The Wire though, so its not a total loss.
My mom likes Sarah Palin. I win*.
*Lose.
I still like GP. Holy shit, does this mean I’ve got a kid I don’t know about somewhere?
“every teardrop of her words is a waterfall of insufferable pretension”
– discarded first draft of a coldplay song
“Don’t go chasing waterfalls.”
-Everyone who cares about Chris Martin
This is too many quotes. You should have spaced them out over 4 or 5 posts. I don’t think I can feel anymore. My hand is on the mouse but I can’t feel the mouse. You’ve killed my capacity to feel.
LET THE FEELINGS COME:
Dr. FeelNothing
He’s the one that makes you feel meh.
The worst thing is that she makes me feel guilty for hating her so much. How DOES she do it?
I don’t know, but when you find the answer, please don’t let us know.
NSGM, that is a really good username
thanks homes!
if there ever was a person where i would TRULY want to know, “seriously, where do you get your ideas?” it would be her. she is that fucking clueless.
“Beyoncé and Jay—they think that I should just go…”
“Dirtiest person in the world”? I can see a certain someone come back fighting to reclaim their title:
Gwyneth, you’re not even close.
http://jezebel.com/5826929/keha-pees-glitter
Like a dirty Unicorn
So…. Is Gwyneth Paltrow’s shit from her moth the gold surprise? Because I’m still too creeped out to watch that video.
She should bottle her pretension and sell it at upscale organic wine bars.
“My friends think im CRRaaaAAaaAAzy. Their always just like go show the world who you really are”
– Everyone who is terrible
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OK haters, i’m down with hating, but if like me you have too much down time in between GP outburts, you should check out narc.
So apparently eating disorders are more hate-worthy than pretension?
I like that you put music career in quotation marks and did not put anorexia in quotation marks. Wow.
Don’t you mean that you “like” that?
Her friends are right! Hilarious!
Who do I have to bang to never hear the new Coldplay album?
This guy:
Your choice.
Who is that guy in that picture?
I chose this picture for the sole reason that it was on a website called http://www.celebrity-sunglasses-finder.com
“I mean, really” — the new “Am I right, ladies?” And also the moment that COMEDY WAS ASSASSINATED.
Virtually every one of those Gwyneth quotes should have an AIRL attached to the end. Especially the Parisian bikini waxing.
Credit where credit’s due: this is just a very good if obvious tweet about banging your husband.
Though @videogum’s reply “Guy Berryman” was better at being very good.
Oh god I went on the record with that. EFF EM ELL.
What Coldplay album do I have to listen to to get to have sex with someone? I mean, really.
Actually…that is kinda funny…
She is the worst though…
Of course its funny. Everyone knows GP is the “dirtiest person in the world and the funniest!” We have all known that since she was 4. lol
I hate Coldplay so much that I had a crush on a guy for MONTHS until I learned he liked that awful, awful band and the crush stopped dead in its tracks. That being said, I thought the tweet was a little funny. Not a lot funny, but a little.
didn’t Beyonce have to be at the Grammy’s?
“Maroon 5?!?!? You shouldn’t have come all this way to see me!”
In her world “schlepping” somewhere is being chauffeured to and from a private entrance at the ridiculously simplest time of day to do anything, in order to watch a live musical performance from VIP seating. What a schlep, that Beyonce.
Coldplay? All of Coldplay’s songs could be, or are, written by a Geocities midi algorithm.
Quite literally since “Talk” is Kraftwerk’s “Computer Love” played on piano. But I mean, Martin’s Picasso-styled lyrics have been added, so, understandable of course.
I usually upvote everything in a Gwyneth post.
If she’s done nothing else for this world (she hasn’t), then she has brought us all together.
WE’RE COUNTRY STRONG.
“Beyoncé and Jay—they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go…in a studio and see what happens.” This is precisely how I blow off my nephews when I don’t want to play dinosaurs.
You and me, Jeb. Same wavelength.
Gwyneth: “Beyonce, would you and Jay like to help me make my studio album?”
Beyonce: “Uhmmm. You know, ah, I think you should just do this by yourself, you know?”
You have to hand it to her (do you? you do.), she definitely knows what her readers’ interests are:
Imagining Gwyneth utter the words”a little something-something” with the slight smile I just know was on her face (most likely accompanied with a subtle head tilt from side-to-side) makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and contemplate if I’ll ever get back up; that maybe this single mental image could be the end of me, like some hellish gif. that could bring the world to it’s knees .
I never understood all the Gwyneth hate. She is successful and attractive. What is Gabe so mad about? Jealous?
Gabe used to date Chris Martin.
I just came over here to be sure that you guys were on top of this. I hate when my concierge in Paris sends me to some restaurant that isn’t where I should really be!!!!
she should research where one could get duck taped and thrown in the back of a late model sedan and sold into white slavery … in Paris
Has anyone heard about that new show on the CW called H8r or whatever. It’s basically a famous person confronts someone who talks shit about them on the internet.
Where is the nomination forms?! Gabe v Gwyneth. SHOWDOWN!
title track: “Goop, there it is”.
thank you and goodnight.
I think she’s trying to recreate that episode from The Real Housewives of Atlanta where that blonde tone-deaf golddigger tries to make an album and her “black friends” are “like supportive” but aren’t really because she is tone-deaf and they are shocked she doesn’t know it. I think that’s what she’s doing. Hell, it worked for Kimberleigh (ugh) Zolciak and her career as a reality TV gag-reflex.
No one does backdoor bragging quite like this talking bowl of gold flake sprinkled oats.
Example:
“This story always makes me cry…It’s 10 in the morning and Beyoncé schleps it all the way down to the Staples Center to watch. I mean, She’s Beyoncé !”
really means…
“I’M SO SPECIAL THAT BEYONCE CAME DOWN TO WATCH ME. THAT’S HOW SPECIAL I AM. DOES BEYONCE COME TO WATCH YOU? NO SHE DOESN’T”
Amazing.
She’s that special, but she’s also that humble, hence the crying. How oxymoronic is that?