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Zach Braff was hacked! From TMZ:
Zach Braff says he’s NOT gay … and insists he’s the victim of a HACKER — who broke on to his website this morning and posted a fake “coming out” statement. The phony statement appeared early Wednesday morning — reading, “I have been hiding a secret inside me for too long. The human mind can only bare so much before it explodes in emotions, and well … it is time to let the world know. I am excited and proud to announce that I am an open member of the homosexual community.”
But Zach’s rep tells TMZ … “He was hacked … that site has been down since 2006.”
HAHAHHAHAHA. You guys, I know that the sexual politics of coming out are very personal and tricky and complicated and that in the age of cyber-harassment it is probably a bad thing to hack into someone’s website and call them gay, but OH MAN, if we can just be 12 years old for a second: someone hacking into a Zach Braff website that HASN’T BEEN UPDATED IN FIVE YEARS ANYWAY and posting a VERY EARNEST COMING OUT STATEMENT is very very funny. I also like to imagine the panicked look on Zach Braff’s face when people started asking him for his GRINDR username. Oh, hackers. You win! Full text of the statement after the jump:
“The human mind can only bare so much before it explodes in emotions.” -Zach Braff’s Tombstone
I know “it gets better,” but this is PRETTY GOOD! (Haha. Booo.)
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Well, it’s obvious that the host of Girls with Low Self Esteem is hiding something.
That he’s a nevernude?
Hopefully
If ever there was a time for Donald Faison to break his legendary silence it would be right now
Even though he’s gay, he still has taste, and Zach Braff definitely don’t want no scrubs.
So, I had a reply to your comment, and apparently I don’t know how to reply so it is way down on the bottom there. Thanks for playing, Nightmare!
Oh, I thought you were just stealing my joke and claiming it as your own. I was prepared to throw down over this.
I love the hacker who did this, but even more I love the person who exposed it. Imagine being the guy who’s been checking zachbraff.com every day for 5 years, hoping for an update, and then being hit with this bombshell.
Especially because:
The guy who’s been checking zachbraff.com every day for 5 years, hoping for an update = Zach Braff’s Mom.
But I don’t even look like her!
I beg to differ.
I thought she died a while back, and then he went to Jersey for her funeral and had adventures?
And he kept interrupting Natalie Portman while she was trying to masturbate? Am I remembering that right?
Comment of a lifetime, facetaco. Comment of a lifetime. And a comment on society in general. You should write this comment down on paper, burn the ashes of it and sell the ashes to James Franco. Because then it’s a comment on a comment. META.
“A unique piece, only this one is for sale. The fake Zach Braff coming out statement you are reading is like buying an endless tank of fake Zach Braff coming out statements. No matter where you are, you always have the ability to take a breath of the most delicious, clean-smelling fake Zach Braff coming out statements that the internet can produce. Every breath you take gives you endless peace and health. This fake Zach Braff coming out statement is something to carry with you if you own it. Because wherever you are, you can imagine yourself getting the most beautiful taste of fake Zach Braff coming out statements; it is an endless supply.”
“”Oh! Well would you look at that? I almost forgot about this. Makes sense though. He wasn’t fooling anyone…” — Random guy looking reading his new Google Alert for ‘Zack Braff’, ‘explodes in emotions’ and ‘homosexual’
You can tell Zach Braff didn’t actually write that statement, because if he did a manic pixie dream girl would have been introduced in the first paragraph.
Does it count if it’s a manic pixie dream twink?
I think we all know who wrote it.
My money is on this guy:
Give me 20 on this guy:
Time to bust out this bad boy for old time’s sake:
So, Fake and Not Gay, basically
Like boob jobs.
“I’ve decided to undergo gender reassignment surgery. As an empowered woman, I’ve chosen to go by the name Faye Kand Gaye.”
-Zach Braff’s hacker, first draft
“Oh yeah, and a hacker wrote ‘Garden State’ too.” -Zach Braff
haha! Top notch, topknot!
agreed, topknot wins
So THIS is what Swordfish was about!
“One final job and then I’m out. Now… tell me more about this Zachary Braff?” — Rupert Murdoch
This comments thread is fantastic
“What kind of man are you looking for, Zach?”
“Well, for one, I don’t want no scrub. A scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from me.”
The Braffster is a wet, whiny fart in human clothes.
I find your argument sound.
In the words of Dr. Cox,
Still, you’re not ne-he-hearly as bad as her,
Do you know how much you annoy me?
The answer is a lot. Should I list the reasons why? Well, I don’t see why not.
It’s your hair, your nose, your chinless face, you always need a hug,
not to mention all the manly appletinis that you chug.
That you think I am your mentor just continues to perplex
and, oh my God, stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!
See now, Newbie, that’s the thing you do that drives me up a tree
‘Cause no matter how I rant at you, you never let me be!
So I’m stuck with all your daydreaming, your wish to be my son.
It makes me suicidal and I’m not the only one.
Bear, not bare. Right? I mean the soul doesn’t wear clothes.
I don’t know, this shirt is definitely bi-curious:
I wonder what it was that motivated the hacker…. a basic cable showing of Garden State? One too many showings of Scrubs in syndication? Or just a random unprovoked thought about how “gay” Zach Braff is.
Zach Braff grabbed his junk in a club and said “I want this all on my face.”
The hacker’s junk, i mean
#vaguepronouns #besthashtag
picturing this happening made me laugh so hard i peed a little.
Grindr doesn’t operate on a searchable username basis, Gabe.
- an open and verymuchnotattractedtoZachBraff member of the homosexual community.
My money’s on LulzSec.
I want to take a moment and talk about the little collaged items on the borders of his website! The ticket stub! The old timey film camera! “Zach Braff, Actor and DI-RREC-TOR!”
Don’t forget the chin they photoshopped on.
Ha, Grindr.
Zach Braff is very cute but very terrible. Sigh, no one’s even going to read this.
http://www.benzlogo.com
I tide fashion Good-looking, not expensive
Who the fuck cares! One of the last thing on earth I want to be thinking about is Zach Barf’s sex-life!