Photos
As you can see from the above photos, Gwyneth Paltrow is the new face of Coach. Neat! Definitely going to buy a ton more Coach stuff now. My only question before I do buy a ton more Coach stuff is: what’s Coach? Just kidding, I know what it is. They make horses? Wait, no, give me a second, I can do this: they make carriage seats? Like, leather seats for inside of a carriage? Cologne that smells like hay? This is, of course, rather down-market for Gwyneth. Let me put it this way: I know people who own Coach products (not bragging) but I don’t know anyone who owns a $2,300 coffee maker. That is an important distinction when we are talking about the world of HIGH FASHION. I think? I think that is an important distinction? Admittedly, five seconds ago I thought Coach made horses, so perhaps I am not the best person to judge what is and what is not an important distinction when we are talking about the world of HIGH FASHION. “Ain’t nobody gonna see your coffee maker hanging off of your arm when you enter the gala, girl.” That is a quote by Andre Leon Talley from the hit documentary The September Issue. I would include a quote from Anna Wintour but she is too busy barfing at the very thought of a Coach product. SO GRAUCHE (that is a combination of the words “gross” and “gauche,” and it’s perfect). (Via ONTD.)
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All it would take is one good push…
Where are Salt N Pepa when you need them?
So GROUCHE. So POOP (This is a combination of Paltrow + GOOP).
While we’re combining things, I’m dreaming of a HIPPOPOTAMONKEY
You had me until “with a Coach Bag”
“That handbag is unreasonably small for the purposes of toting around a normal volume of personal items and I demand justice!” – Kevin Smith
The real question is, would Coach be caught dead with Craig T Nelson?
and by with Craig T Nelson, I mean with Gwyneth Paltrow. Because that would make sense, whereas what I said originally would not.
The real question is, would Married With Children be married to Ed O’Neill?
Would Married with Children marry into a Modern Family? These are questions, they probably do not have answers.
No, I would not be caught dead with Gwyneth Paltrow. Thanks for asking!
If you nestle them ever so gently, you can fit 4 vegan paelli in that bag
I misread it as a Cooch Bag.
I thought we were done with those kinds of body-snarking posts and were only going to focus on her content of character.
BNPG: What’s in Gwyneth’s bag?
A Prada bag.
An Apple.
A Turducken
Money.
You’ll never know. You have to speak parseltounge to open it
Thermal imaging helps though
Gwyneth’s bag is definitely a Horocrux.
Gwyneth’s ACTUAL purse, which she has to shield from the eyes of the poors by hiding it inside a larger bag, as it induces blindness, dry mouth and carpal tunnel in denizens of the lower tax brackets.
Cee-Lo.
…or a picture of Cee-Lo, rather.
a picture of her nanny
Marcellus Wallace’s soul
A homonculus
Chris Martin’s balls
950 burned copies of There’s Something About Mary
WHATS IN THE BAG?
Her British Accent.
Gwyneth you hold a bag by the straps, you do not put it on your arms
I can’t believe Gwyn actually left the house without conditioning her hair.
Girlfriend needs to put some GOOP on those flyaways, mm-hmmm!
Nailed it, sassy style.
For some weird inexplicable reason, whenever I hear the word “coach,” I think of that shithole Will Ferrell abomination, Kicking and Screaming. Additionally: whenever I hear the name “Gwyneth Paltrow,” I am brought emotionally to the point of kicking and screaming. COINCIDENCE??
Maybe she’s the spokesperson for Coach+, which is basically like Coach, but for rich people. The external differences are negligible to the layman’s eye, but the elite can smell the difference between the linings of a $40,000 purse and a $1200 purse.
Does Coach+ have “circles” into which you add your rich friends, and proceed to “hang out” just to talk about purses? Asking for a concerned internet conglomerate friend.
A “Huddle” is where you and all your Circles put your Coach+ bags into a big pile in the middle of the floor.
Given Gabe’s history with GP, that headline seems kinda threatening.
is this where i get to ramble on about the psychological importance of portable expensive objects to our fragile senses of self worth? i think i’ve done that already. so instead i’ll tell a story. one time i went to the angola prison rodeo (real thing. real confusing for a lot of moral/ethical reasons.). there’s this huge section of the rodeo that is prisoners selling their crafts- like, clocks and birdhouses and whatnot, but also there’s a leather section where you can purchase these insane knock-off vuitton and coach purses. like, they look much much cruder, and are obviously handmade, but as objects they are very interesting. maybe it’s the idea of purchasing a knock off item constructed by a prisoner at one of our last work farms in the US, and what that means on many levels. it was the only thing i contemplated buying. i ultimately didn’t buy one, because i wasn’t really sure of what it meant. though now i kind of regret it, as i think it would be an interesting object to own. i’m never going back to that rodeo though, so the point is pretty moot.
One time I saw something I wanted and bought it without making a federal case about what it meant. Sometimes it’s good to have the emotional depth of a toilet seat.
That sounded kinda bitchy. I wasn’t attacking you, southernfemaledog, I was trying to comment on my own shallowness. Promise!
aw, it’s ok! i know that i am heavy handed. and i wasn’t the downvoter, cuz i try not to downvote people that are disagreeing with me unless it’s an obviously fucked up statement. and i think it’s totally valid to not go into paralyzing conniptions every time you engage with buying or selling something. i’m trying to get better at it!
did you get any pictures of these bags? That seems like a perfect solution if you felt weird about actually buying one! (also I really want to see pictures)
If it makes you feel better, I once bought a hideoug baseball hat that was made out of Sprite cans just because I found it ridiculous that such a thing existed. So your way of shopping is probably preferable.
they don’t allow you to bring cameras inside. like, you can find images of the rodeo on the internet, but not a lot of the handicrafts or areas where the crafts are set up. probably because the prisoners are like right behind the tables of crafts behind chain link and barbed wire fences. it’s pretty disconcerting.
I bought a fake Couch bag in Beijing for the hell of it, and wore it out, and this one friend of a friend said to me, “Oh, that’s a fake. We studied how fake bags hurt the designers in my ethics class at Fashion Marketing School, and how fucked up it is.” Such a humanitarian!
I once read somewhere that Coach is the McDonald’s of fancy bags. So, haha on you, Gwynnie!
That’s a good thing, right? Because anybody who’s ever had a McGriddle knows that they are fucking magical, and that McDonalds is the absolute best.
But then again, Gwyneth almost certainly has NOT ever had a McGriddle, so I see your point.
I have to say that I have never been as joyful over a purse as she is in the first picture. Now my purse and I are in a spat, because it’s all like, “why don’t you ever hug *me* like that?” and I’m all like “I bet her bag doesn’t smell like cheez-its and melty plastic?” and then it got REALLY mad and hid my cell phone. Purses, amirite?
Note: the heat may be causing me to hallucinate today. We shall see.
im guessing Apple probably feels the same way..
I get a (country) strong vibe that Gabe would hate fuck GP in a heartbeat.
I’m pretty sure Gwyneth expects her men to last at least FIVE heartbeats.
Every time we get another post about the GOOPster, I have to wonder why someone who knows how to do such things does not make a GIF of Jude Law punching her in the face in Sky Captain. I assure you, such a GIF would have ALL the upvotes!
Yeah I kind of thought Coach was for soccer moms with too much money and not enough imagination? Listen to me! I sound like such a bitch!
Are you questioning Gwyneth’s integrity? You think she’d just endorse whatever brand paid her enough money? Quick, somebody tell Kraft and let’s all have lots of fun!
she’s got dead fucking eyes in that picture. it’s actually really creepy if you stare at it for a minute. all i keep hearing is the fucked up soundtrack from this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fM3UbcNtJic
I’ve circled back to liking her again. She looks so pretty there! It’s an endless cycle.
I recently had a conversation with a cousin about purses.
She was bragging about how she got this tiny coach bag for $50. I replied that I had got my, also small, purse for a dollar at a charity second hand shop. “Yeah, well, I’ve seen how you treat your purses.” was her response.
It was that moment that I realized that I’d never understand the world of fancy accessories. But you know what I do understand? How to open a savings account,
#humblebag
overly whitened teeth always age people (see: Katherine Middleton).. also why not airbrush her loose strands? I’m actually surprised the ads were approved by the gooppeople..
Airbrush? What is this, 1997? You mean Photoshop!
can’t you say airbrush for the general idea of photoshopping? i thought you could…
Just so we’re all clear here: GP hangs out with JayZ and Mario Batali and while she’s fairly naive about what things cost to normal people, she likes good food and seems pretty decent. On the other hand, Topher Grace hangs with Austin Kutcher and is pretty much a living member of Entourage.
Team Gwyneth – represent
You have my sword!
Thems fightin’ words
Photoshop? What is this, 2010? You mean anorexia!
But Coach bags, like most high-end designer bags, are seriously ugly. There’s too much crap going on and 99 percent of that crap is to let you know what designer made the bag. I thought that stuff was peddled to 13 year old rich girls and suburban moms… like Shakespeare In Love. Got it!
Oh man, I really hope she becomes the feet of Coach because their shoes are quite possibly the most hideous things ever created. The shoes, haven’t actually seen Gwynnie’s feet. But I do know at some point they made an open-toed fur-lined high heel boot for winter that looked like a Coach-branded Timberland industrial boot for women. I laughed and laughed and laughed at that thing and then saw it a week later at a salon in Chicago. Women, amiright?
Gwyneth Paltrow tides fashion good looking not expensive free transport