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Sometimes, when you are an adult, you are expected to know how to handle yourself in certain situations. Like when a person lives in a cul de sac, you’re supposed to say something to acknowledge the fact that it is a cul de sac. When you go to a ball, you don’t wear a tiara unless you’re married. When you order a bottle of wine and the waiter pours a little in your glass first, you taste it, nod, and murmur “yes,” even if it doesn’t actually taste the way you expected. When your roommate comes back from vacation, you tell her she looks tan no matter where she went on vacation and no matter how tan she actually looks. When someone orders something gross at a restaurant, you don’t make a gross face every time they take a bite. And when you’re at a restaurant that only gives you chopsticks, you use the chopsticks the actual way you’re supposed to because you know how.
Unfortunately, sometimes, when you’re an adult, you find yourself not knowing what to do in some of these situations. Sometimes, you attempt to use the chopsticks for the millionth time and realize that, no, you are still not a person who can feed themselves with chopsticks. You look at the people around you and somehow they all know how to use chopsticks. And you think, What is wrong with me? Then, someone, for the millionth time, tries to teach you how to use chopsticks. “Hold this one like a pencil,” they say. And you say, Please, you are the millionth person who is trying to teach me how to use chopsticks, I promise you that you won’t be able to. And they say, Come on, just do what I say. Again they say, “Hold this one like a pencil.” You do. “Now take this one and…” and then they force the other one into your hand and move your fingers around — every time, they do this, as if they are hitting on you except you know that they are not for any of these reasons: they are related to you, they don’t like people of your gender, you just know that they are not – and then they become frustrated that your fingers just aren’t going the way that they want them to. “Stop doing that, just let me–” they say, presuming that you are somehow forcing your fingers to not go the way they want them to, when in fact you want them so badly to just go the way they want them to because you are in a nightmare.
If they do get your fingers into an acceptable position around the chopsticks they say, “See, look, now try it,” and then they move their chopsticks around with incredible ease, as if their ease is supposed to somehow make you understand that using chopsticks is easy and oh yeah, you know how to do it. And then you try to pick up something with your chopsticks, your fingers still in the position into which they were forced, and you still cannot do it. You find that you can’t even move the chopsticks at all anymore. And your chopstick teacher looks at you, frustrated, dumbfounded, and pitying. “See?” you say, “I just can’t do it.” “That is so weird,” they’ll say, while you begin using your chopsticks in a very weird way — whatever way you can to make the food just go into your stupid mouth.
Then, one of two situations arises. Either your friend will ask, “Do you want a fork?” And you will say “YES I DO,” but only in your head, until someone just gets you a fork even though you’re pretending you’re ok without one. Or, a waiter will come over and silently leave by your plate a fork, or the child version of chopsticks with a rubber band at the end. You know that you should feel embarrassed, but you only feel relief. (Via Buzzfeed.)
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I once worked with a guy who was commonly referred to as “The Great White Retard.” I hung out with him fairly often, because the outlandish lies he made up were solid gold when I was drunk. My personal favorite was the time he told me that he was the best tree climber in the world, and he knew this because he was featured on the cover of Tree Climbing Monthly Magazine.
I once went with a group of friends to a Chinese restaurant, and he invited himself along. By the time the rest of us finished eating, he was not even halfway through his meal, because he insisted on using chopsticks, despite the fact that he had no understanding of how to use them. When I suggested that he just use a damn fork, his exact response was “My Sensei says that’s rude.” I miss that guy. He was the best.
“My Sensei says that’s rude.”
i gotta start using that.
“I went to a Japanese restaurant. It sure was fun. Did you know that in Japan you’re supposed to eat with sticks and with a telephone shoved in your face?” – Granny.
I at first thought you were making fun of Granny for confusing a phone and a camera, then I remembered they are the same thing and I realized I am the elderly one.
Kelly, your commentary made me laugh so hard I am literally in tears, at my desk, at work, which is well…awkward, but so worth it. Thanks!
I don’t know what’s more adorable – the grandma in the video or Kelly’s thinly disguised chopstick confession.
IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, YOU CAN USE CHOPSTICKS! IF YOU CAN’T YOU JUST KEEP PRACTICING! YOU GONNA GET THE HANG OF IT I KNOW IT!
Your chopsticks hardship reminds me of my cartwheel hardship. All my life I’ve been surrounded by people who knew how to do them, my mother included, but when I go to do one, one of my legs always bends. So then people would try to help and be like “let me straighten out your leg” which never worked, and we would try this for about half an hour before they realized that my leg is stupid and will never be able to grasp this simple concept.
P.S. This video made me miss my fun grandmother so much. Guys, go visit your fun grandmothers!
This totally made me miss my grandpa. I took him for authentic spicy Ramen and he loved it, probably because the bowl was bigger than his head.
She seems like the sort of grandma that promptly tweeted this LOL situation to all of her followers after the video was finished recording.
But in all seriousness… adorable.
This is my favorite Kelly post ever. lolololicious
Last time I was in Japan, one of my friends complimented me on the way I hold my chopsticks, saying it is very proper and that most young Japanese don’t hold them the traditional way. We all sort of rolled our eyes at him, and he then began to defend the importance of etiquette and proper technique, which of course resulted in more eye-rolling. I then began to join in with him, with dry, dry, dry, sarcasm, naming the man who invented the proper way and placing it some hundreds of years ago. His eyes bulged with astonishment and he asked how I knew such things, because even he didn’t.
Many Japanese struggle with sarcasm. It brings me great joy.
I’m pretty sure sarcasm was invented hundreds of years ago by the Irish.
I do probably get more sarcastic when I get drinking… though the high point of my sarcasm is often when I’m stoned and it reaches a degree where no one knows I am being sarcastic…
I went through a phase in junior high where I was obsessed with Dragon Ball Z (fellas), and did the obnoxious attempt to learn Japanese culture thing. Every night for a year I would make stove top ramen and sit in my room alone with chopsticks stolen from take-out restaurants forcing myself to learn. So c’mon Kelly, you just need super nerd dedication, and you too can live the dream.
My favorite part about this is that you thought you had to practice with ramen all the time instead of just practicing picking random stuff up.
I was going for as authentic as possible. Didn’t want to jeopardize my future marriage to Goku. I didn’t have internet back then, so my knowledge on Japanese cuisine was slightly limited.
You should let your ramen practice take you here someday:
http://www.raumen.co.jp/ramen/
Shin-Yokohama ramen museum! I ate garlicky mushroom-filled ramen here, breaking many years of vegetarianism, and it was worth it.
i feel like this when i try to roll my r’s to speak spanish. everyone keeps explaining how to do it and then laughs at me when it’s more like a gargle than an r roll.
oh, and i also feel that way about chopsticks.
Ugh. Rs. Anything related to Rs. I don’t even pronounce my regular Rs in English half the time, I can’t do the Spanish roll, and I can’t do the Japanese half L half R deal.
I’m the same way with winking/closing one eye independent of the other. Simply can’t will the muscles in my face to do it. I shoot video so it causes problems when I’m shooting with a viewfinder. I still don’t have the balls to show up to a shoot with an eye patch but I’m approaching that point.
You really should do it! Eye patches are the shit, and I was surprised to find that they make everyone at every bar want to buy you all the drinks for some reason.
This me knows what I’m talking about:
oh man, my old people allergy is making my eyes water again..
GENIUS.
This is the best! Good job.
This is me, but with whistling. Somehow people think that they can teach me to whistle, but never stop to think that if I could be taught to whistle, I WOULD HAVE LEARNED BY NOW AND BE WHISTLING ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. Man, I wish I could whistle. But telling someone where to put their tongue is even more useless than telling them how to move their carefully positioned fingers.
A bunch of the kids at the school I work with use plastic chopsticks that are conjoined at the end, they’re awesome – maybe that would help? Just bring them in your purse and then you can whip them out and say, “My hands are specially trained to only use these super-special chopsticks” and then you can be like Wolverine, except with children’s chopsticks.