Photos
And here we are again. Last year, I really thought maybe I would hang up my True Blood cleats. It seemed like it was time. Vampires and werewolves are one thing, and OK, shapeshifting dogs who also own bars. But fairies and Panther People? Oh man and I almost forgot about that GREEKY GODDESS NATURE WITCH THING, or whatever that was. No, I had every intention of throwing in the towel (another great metaphor, although cleats is still my favorite) on this one. But have you ever had that thing where you want to see how bad things can actually get? Or, like, have you ever had bleeding gums that sting and feel raw whenever you brush your teeth but instead of brushing softer or trying to avoid your gums, you just brush as hard as you can right on that very spot? It turns out I’ve got whatever that is (a nightmare? Is it called “an unhealthy nightmare”?) with this show. Incidentally, I was at a barbecue on Sunday with someone who had already seen the first three episodes and he said, “That show is really starting to get ridiculous.” Is it? Just now? Is it GETTING ridiculous? Because I’m not sure what show he was watching, but the one I saw ended with a vampire king getting buried in cement and METHWOLVES and started this season with a MAGIAL EVIL TROLL FAIRY MAGICAL ENERGY ORB ROCK FIGHT IN THE SPACE DESERT. Oh brother. Well? Shall we?
When last we left her, Sookie disappeared in what I described in my last recap as “a magic graveyard fairy chandelier explosion.” Hahaha. I do not entirely remember that, but it sounds GREAT. Anyway, a bunch of people in a GAP ad from 1998 wearing relaxed-front chinos and linen shirts are hanging around the old Fairy Tree sucking down gobfuls of these magical peaches that look like a table centerpiece at an asshole’s wedding. Like, someone ordered those magical light peaches (which are actually called “light fruit” because this show is a genius) in bulk from a guy they know who has a sketchy import/export deal in China and now everyone is drunkenly stuffing light fruit into their blazer pockets and hand-purses but tomorrow morning they are going to throw those light fruit in the trash because even though they love Rick and Dana, they don’t need a bunch of cheap looking light fruit all over the house. Some light flashes and Sookie is here with some broad who says she is her fairy godmother and even Sookie is like “I think I might be done with this show, it seems kind of retarded.”
Anyway, Sookie sees her grandfather and she is like, whoa hold on a second, my grandfather is here? He is just HOUSING a light fruit by the way.
Everyone is. These guys are crazy about their light fruit. It is, of course, as with any of these shows, hilarious whenever anyone is surprised by anything? Like, I admit that seeing your grandfather 20 years after he disappeared is weird, but also you just learned that you are a fairy and you disappeared through a magical portal in a graveyard to the set of some kind of porno, so really, seeing your grandfather deserves an “Oh, OK, neat” at best, I mean, if you’re going to start being weird about it. Sookie notices that there’s something weird about this whole light fruit thing, and decides that she’s not going to eat hers. Suddenly, a “beautiful” Fairy Queen appears and tells her that she has to eat this goddamned fruit, and once again Sookie is thrown into the middle of an epic centuries long battle between some nonsense creature and something else. Not bad for a stupid waitress! (No offense to waitresses. Offense only intended for waitresses who are also fairies and telepaths.) Seriously, though, the Fairy Queen shows her hand REAL fast. You would think that a powerful royal matriarch would have a little better sense of massaging the situation and getting what she wanted. Instead, Sookie unleashes one of her magical energy blasts (you have no idea, as a human being and an adult, how much writing about this show pains me) and now all of a sudden Fairy Land becomes Fairy Nightmare and all the Fairies are Trolls and Sookie and her Grandpa run into Fairy Desert but the evil fairies are throwing fairy energy grenades (LOLOL) and all of a sudden there is a FAIRY RESISTANCE ARMY and OH MY GOD THIS SHOW, I mean, it’s only been a year, but apparently you can forget over the course of a year that we live in a world where PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK THIS SHOW IS ACCEPTABLE AND SHOULD EXIST!
Sookie and her grandpa find themselves at the edge of a giant crater that is supposedly the portal to the human world but only Sookie can go because she didn’t eat the light fruit but the Fairy Queen Witch says that it’s not a portal and that Sookie will die if she jumps in but then a soldier from the Fairy Resistance Army says that the Fairy Queen Witch is closing the portal and so Sookie and her grandpa jump in and the thought of having to describe even the most basic of events on this show for the next three months makes my heart jump into my mouth where it drowns in the puke that is already there. Can I also point out that we are only five minutes into the episode? Sookie and her grandpa wake up and he has Light Fruit Disease that makes him shudder and flicker with weird CGI light beams and also his makeup gets particularly terrible like I think a three-year-old did his makeup and he gives Sookie a pocket watch to give to Jason and then he disappears in a puff of smoke. Well, that’s Light Fruit Disease for you. It doesn’t kill you immediately. You have exactly 45 seconds worth of expository dialog time before you disappear. Look it up on WebMD.
When Sookie gets back to her house, it is being repainted and workers are working on it. A guy is like “Hey! You can’t go in there!” as guys always are like. He says he’s going to call the cops and she says she hopes he does. He does. The cops show up. It’s Jason Stackhouse. He’s a cop now. Right. He is perfect at interrogations when they need to play Good Cop/Mentally Disabled Cop. (I actually like Jason Stackhouse best of all [after Lafayette] on this show, so don’t even start.) He explains that Sookie has been gone for a year and everyone thought she had died. Sookie explains that she was only gone for 15 minutes, but I guess time works differently in Fairy Town. Jason wants to believe her, but even he is having a hard time, which OK, sure, except he is the one who straight up BANGED A PANTHER-WOMAN without blinking last season, so maybe it is time for him to open his mind to the possibility that the world is full of POORLY WRITTEN magic. He does finally believe him when she gives him granddad’s old pocket watch. It was in his butt! (Pulp Fiction joke. 2011.)
Oh, also, thinking that Sookie was dead, Jason sold the house to some mysterious real estate company but I’m sure it’s nothing. Just a normal real estate company. Don’t worry about it.
Bill shows up. Eric shows up. Andy Bellefleur shows up. All our old pals! There is some dumb fight. Bill something, Eric something. Who cares? Oh, but what is important is that Bill can tell Eric what to do for some reason, which is new, and also Andy Bellefleur is on “V,” or vampire blood, which you will recall is a drug in this show, and this show is stupid, so Andy Bellefleur is on it. Oh brother. Also, when Andy gets mad about how worried everyone was over Sookie’s disappearance, Bill explains that he had sent her away on “secret Vampire Business,” which is so funny. Oh man. So, so funny. For the rest of the episode she just keeps saying, “Yeah, I was on secret Vampire Business, sooooo….” Right.
Meanwhile, Lafayette continues to be the best, but how deep do we need to go into his story? He’s still with his boyfriend. They go to some kind of Witch Book Club. The leader of the Witch Book Club has got a thing for Lafayette who seems to have some kind of secret witch powers. There’s a secret message from that dead vampire that Lafayette fucked a couple years ago (this show has been on television for YEARS!) and also a dead parrot that comes back to life and then dies again. Oh, also Andy starts choking him in the kitchen (keep choking that kitchen!) at Sam Merlotte’s restaurant because he wants some more vampire blood (hrmph) and Jason has to intervene.
Also maybe Vampire Bill is a politician now or something? He gives a speech at the dedication ceremony for, like, a lending library or something. Hard to tell. It is cut with a speech that Vampire Eric gives to a TV show about how we should all go to Fangoria Cocktail Lounge because vampires are nice. In any case, a few things become clear. Vampire Bill is definitely sleeping with (everyone) Andy Bellefleur’s sister, who is a high-powered lawyer, and also he is the Vampire King of Louisiana now! Holy cow! Congratulations, Vampire Bill! Not sure how that happened and don’t care but sure I will somehow find out anyway! Oh, also, one of the nerdy librarian witches from Lafayette’s witch study group has some kind of relationship with King Bill. Cool. #swag
Oh! Guess what?! Tara is a MIXED MARTIAL ARTIST LESBIAN NOW!
No duh. Of course she is. This guy knows what she’s talking about:
She gets a text from Lafayette about how Sookie is back and not dead while she is in the middle of shooting a Victoria’s Secret commercial with her girlfriend, but she sends it straight to voicemail (you can do that with texts on this show, it’s magic). It turns out that she lives in New Orleans now and goes by the name of Tony. Or Toni? I don’t know. Either way, if it somehow means that we don’t have to see her anymore because of the time difference than I am all for it. (And if you want to start arguing with me about how Bon Temps and New Orleans are probably in the same time zone, then let me tell you that you’re going to see as much Tara as you deserve.)
Speaking of things I don’t care about: Sam feels guilty about shooting his dog brother in the leg. And he’s in some kind of shapeshifters support group where they all drink Merlot and turn into horses. NEXT PLOT THREAD!
Perhaps the best part of the show is Hoyt and Vampire Jessica, who are now living together and learning what anyone who has ever been in a serious relationship and lived with their significant other comes to know: it’s the worst! But also kind of the best! Like, their mundane fight about dinner is very intense and real, and when she starts throwing eggs into a frying pan shells and all and not even really cooking them before slopping them onto a plate and he starts shoveling this into his mouth just to prove a point and the whole time they are shouting at each other it is just a very good depiction of domestic life and how horrible it can be! But similarly, when she finally breaks and is laughing and now they are laughing at each other and defusing their raised tempers it is also so charming and great and reminds you how nice it can be to have someone that you can even fight with in a meaningful and intimate way. Vampire relationships are vampire compromise. Of course, then they go to the vampire bar and Vampire Jessica is definitely going to fuck someone else very soon, like, maybe next episode but if not next episode than definitely in episode 3 and so that is heartbreaking because Hoyt is kind of the best (no offense Jason or Lafayette) and so that will be sad. But, you know, things happen. Forget it, Hoyt, it’s Vampire Town.
I swear to God that Jason and Sookie are watching two people dressed in bear costumes fighting on TV and somehow that is the least weird thing that happens on this show.
Jason goes to Meth Village to take care of all those Panther Meth Addict Children from last season, or whatever. He ends up getting locked inside of a freezer. Uh oh! Oh well. R.I.P. Jason Stackhouse. Guys, life is for the living. We’ve got to move forward with our lives.
The episode ends with Eric surprising Sookie in her bedroom as she is changing from one silk nightie into another silk nightie. It turns out, and you are really not even going to believe this, but HE is the one who bought her house! Oh my God, I just could not even believe this when I found out I was just like Oh I cannot believe this and also You’ve got to be kidding and then How and then This is incredible. What a twist. That’s another thing I definitely said. What a twist! I said that because I suck. GET IT? I SUCK AND THIS SHOW IS ABOUT VAMPIRES! Anyway, he is allowed in the house now even though Sookie rescinded his invitation because he BOUGHT THE HOUSE. You know how it works with Vampires. It’s all about mortgages and human legal contracts. Vampire stuff. Tort reform. Other words. This show.
Buckle up, boys. It’s going to be a long season.
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I’ve finally found a [i]good[/i] reason for suffering through True Blood. It allows me to fully enjoy Gabe’s recaps.
I also do HTML coding. It’s all there on my CV.
Gary Cole is in this? Is he at least aware of how insane this show is?
And too many people I went to high school with are unironically excited about this show on facebook. Real status update from someone with a brain, supposedly: “Showing the boyfriend True Blood because he made me watch The Wire!! Can’t wait to tell him “I told you so!” about the better show!”
I expect to see some relationship status change.
That story actually just made me angry. Not at you, obviously. I wasn’t aware i could actually get angry at someone i’ll never meet’s facebook status about a show about fairies and panther people.
I am now the Chicago maitre’d, weeping for Abe Froman and the future and vamp-fairy tv shows…
Gary, you can do better. I have proof!
Don’t know why that picture disappeared, but it was the DVD cover of American Gothic. Do more shows like this, Gary Cole.
AMERICAN GOTHIC 4EVA!!!!!!!!!111
WHAT?! That is ACTUALLY Gary Cole and not a guy who at first looked like him and then I was like, “No, that is not Gary Cole, I feel better now”?!?
I told you so about what exactly? Gabe’s recaps are pretty much spot-on. It’s not like someone actually thinks this is quality TV on par with the Wire or Mad Men or Breaking Bad. That’s just not possible. I kind of hate them too, if that’s okay.
The following scenarios are appropriate for “I told you so”
– I told you we were watching gay porn
– I told you how hot the Skarsgaaaaard boy is
– I told you silver is bad for vampires
– I told you this guy was a dog and then a man and has a dog brother and now he’s a horse and he runs a bar
– I told you this was stupider than Twilight but also hotter and more fun
– Something something I didn’t make up Alcide. Look at that. (Where was Alcide??? Sigh)
(I Get Glued myself to the True Blood premiere, but I also do it for every lame show I watch — Pretty Little Liars, Make it or Break it, really *anything* on ABC Family. I also only check in to hardware stores and Starbucks and really lame places on Foursquare because… why??? why does that exist?)
Have you guys read the interview between Win Butler and Alexander Skarsgard, because that happened and I haven’t been able to listen to Arcade fire since.
http://www.interviewmagazine.com/film/alexander-skarsgard/
Geneva_88@hotmail.com did not enjoy it either! And also doesn’t seem to care about just posting her email on the open internet!
There is no way she doesn’t think Eminem got robbed.
My favorite part of that interview was when [both laugh].
I think I am dumber after reading that. What a peice of shit.
It’s kind of silly that Win thinks True Blood is a good show, but the interview wasn’t THAT bad.
I always want sex whenever I watch True Blood.
True Blood is excellent foreplay for Sunday night sexy times.
This is because the terrible dialogue and weak, sex-wallpaper plots make you have to remind yourself you’re not watching porn.
Guys, is True Blood worth my time. Can someone please place it on a measuring stick in which Game of Thrones and Rome fall on the far right which is OBVZ the best, and Californication and The Big Bang Theory falls on the far left.
First you have to computer your tolerance ratio for so-insane-it’s-kind-of-good-but-also-goes-nowhere-until-the-last-five-minutes.
Left of Big Bang Theory.
Thats a pretty bold statement, not a lot of things are worse than the big bang theory. I’m going to trust you R2D2, Esq and never watch True Blood.
My dad loves the Big Band Theory. He also loves Burn Notice and Two and A Half Men…. both things left of Big Bang Theory. (He’s retired and phoning life in at this point).
Well it’s basically porn and weirdness. But the eye candy is good (for boys and girls alike) and it’s too ridiculous to not watch. It’s based on some honestly terrible books and as awful as the show is, I keep thinking “way better than the book version of this plot line.” Also: Alcide (he’ll show up later and is a werewolf) is the hottest person on television. But wow, Sam wasn’t looking so bad in the first episode either. And then there’s Erik, who, well… *swoon* I like to watch it for the pretty men.
Really? Downvotes for *this*?
I just upvoted you to bring you back up to zero. Dogs who like pretty men on bad TV shows unite.
It’s totally worth your time, as long as you don’t take it too seriously and just roll with the crazy. That is, it’s like a magical version of Melrose Place.
What the hell? Are we not going to even TALK about the direwolves???
I can’t remember what that is, so I have a feeling that means I don’t care (because I care about all the other things on this show, apparently).
can we please send the pack of remaining direwolves (miss u, “lady”) to bon temps?
Yes!!!! True Blood Recaps are back! The summer has officially started!
What everyone who has ever been in a serious relationship comes to know: if your spouse watches True Blood, you apparently also watch True Blood.
My wife got True Blood in the divorce.
My favorite part of living with my boyfriend is that he no longer has a choice about watching The Wire or Game of Thrones or other awesome things he hadn’t started watching yet because he’s stubborn and is on his fifteenth run through of The West Wing.
This, on the other hand, I am not allowed to watch unless he is asleep or not home.
This was, without a doubt, one of the biggest benefits of breaking up with my ex.
Do they drink Merlot at the support group, or do they drink Merlotte?
That’s a different support group.
I love the Jessica and Hoyt story line.
The Fairy fight may have been the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen on TV, and I watched all of Studio 60. Zing!
I kept waiting for this guy to show up:
I stopped watching this show when Sookie was in the graveyard (“she did brass rubbings/she learned she never had to press hard”) and Bill came up out of the ground — clawed out of the earth — followed by an uncomfortably-close-to-rape scene.
Still, I will read these recaps. They bring me a lot of (fairy) cheer, for some reason.
I’ve read the books, and this might just make everyone’s brain explode, but I swear the fairy plotline in the show is about ten times less retarded. Every time I get on a True Blood thread, there’s a million people clamoring “Ugh, Alan Ball has totally ruined Charlene Harris’ literary masterpiece” and my eyes roll out of my head. Yeah, it’s much better when you’re stuck in Sookie’s head the entire time and Lafayette is dead.
Just think: This show is pretty much guaranteed to last six to seven seasons, and we’ll get only get three of Game of Thrones if we start a collective pray circle. America!
Cool random switching to Facebook login. This feels like the dreams where you’re naked in front of the class.
I run a support group for this every other Tuesday.
Agreed! The books are fun–complete nonsense of course, but interesting and for sure addictive, and while they are definitely out there, the show has deviated so far off course that I’ve just about given up trying to reconcile the show with the books, and am now just watching the show for the same reasons I’d watch a train wreck.
I read the books too. In fact I am reading the newest one right now. *spoiler* its terrible. At this point the show is basically Charlene Harris’s books on acid. Coming from that perspective, I enjoy the TV show and its lol mess.
Yup. Though I have to admit my favorite part of the books is thinking about *this* woman writing all that crap:
She totally collects porcelain kittens when she’s not writing about her lover Erik. Gag. Makes the show look like stuff Emmys were created to celebrate.
She kind of looks like one of those closet freaks who would go to some vampire fetish swinger fantasy fest featured on Real Sex in 1998.
Or…I like to pretend she does (I have no idea what I am even talking about).
jwormyk, you just made me snort laugh.
I heard that the previous one was bad, so I didn’t read it. I freely admit I did enjoy them up to that point though. Just a guilty pleasure, I guess. I’m not nominating her for the Nobel or anything. Obviously *someone* liked them, enough to base an HBO show on them, anyway? But yeah, then they screwed that up too in a rare miss for them. So I don’t know. But yeah, I have not and probably will not read the last 2 books.
(This was supposed to be a reply to jwormyk’s previous post about how the recent book is bad, obvs.)
I thought the books were fun reads (ladies!) up until that last couple then, you are completely correct, they became hate reads. Although I did lol out the lemon juice squirt gun to kill the fairies. Its obviousl Harris has deadlines on these books and is just down phoning them in. Her blatant laziness is almost admirable.
I’m trying desperately to remember if the latest book had a plot. She ran around talking to people about a tiny magic box? Engrossing.
I think the show has improved on a ton of aspects from the books. I think the only change that has really bothered me was with Hot Shot and Calvin Norris, because he was a really interesting dude. But yup, that’s it.
Just wanted to say that I’ve never watched an episode of True Blood, but I’ve read EVERY single recap Gabe has done for it. The Walking Dead Recaps are up there too with these. Great Stuff, Gabe. Case in Point: Videogum needs more recaps.
Always Be Recapping
Totes. The worse the show, the better the recap. Although, Lost was amazing and so were Gabe’s recaps.
Remember the Gossip Girl recaps? Those were the Worst/Best ever!
I am so happy right now. I thought True Blood recaps were gone forever. When I saw the post, I was all…
Gabe, you missed a chance to make a solid Tony Toni Tone joke!
Did anybody else catch that the main witch is Aunt Petunia from the HP movies? #IRONIC
Yes! She’s finally getting her chance at being a witch. #dreamsreallydocometrue
She’s also the lady that macks on Tom Selleck in Three Men and a Somewhat Older Child.
Wow, her dreams have been coming true for a while!
Did we catch that her dead bird’s name was Minerva? HARRY POTTER NERD TEST JOKE FOR TEH WIN! (I failed the test, obvs.)
I’ve never seen this show, but I still live for these recaps.
Thrilled that Gabe is back to wishing Tara would off herself. Always be finishing yourself Tara. Always.
I don’t watch this show but love the recaps. My mom texted me, “Do you watch True Blood? It’s raunchy so I thought you’d like it.” No Mom, I’m not into vampire raunch, but apparently you are. YA BURNT, MOMS!
I watch it, my mom watches it, my boyfriend now watches it. It’s the circle of LIFE.
What the hell is going on with the random downvoting?? Did this recap piss off the downvote fairies or something?
Why is that one vampire always wearing V-neck shirts?
V…NECK…
#mindexplodo
Gabe, I actually thought about you during the first five minutes, wondering if your head had exploded.
The whole thing was just…wow. But I don’t stop watching for some reason? How could Alan Ball do this show and Six Feet Under, which I know in my heart is good TV? Can we blame the source material? I will. Maybe this is the best that can be done with fairyfights and vampire mortgages?
The further I get away from age 16, the more I’ve started not liking Alan Ball. American Beauty is laughably dated, his directorial debut is the WMOAT, and obviously True Blood is a joke. It makes me scared that I’d hate Six Feet Under if I rewatched it because I’m not a teenager anymore.
Confession: Loved the show, but HATED the Six Feet Under series finale.
WHAT?!?! It is critically acclaimed as being on the best finales ever. I’m shocked.
Six Feet Under is amazing. Watch it.
It was really predictable though, as someone dies in every episode, and it could have been more poignant if it hadn’t have been so dramatic.
Alan Ball has a way of making shows that you’ll continue to hatewatch, just hoping that a particularly odious character will finally be killed off.
I rewatched the pilot episode recently. Still good! Swear to god. Not that there’s not characters you want to punch in the face, but excellent writing and acting is there.
You should make Kelly do these but don’t let her research any backstory or fill her in on what’s going on. Just season 4, throw her into it and make her write about it.
Gabe don’t forget now that Fiona Shaw is that weird witch lady, you can use everyone’s favorite* gif whenever the show frustrates you
*By “favorite” I mean hated because it is a horrible gif and I only 1/2 assed looked for it because I didn’t want to see it myself.
OHMYGOD I THOUGHT SHE LOOKED FAMILIAR!!
Also Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter #ObligatedHarryPotterMention
“Eating the light-fruit” is the new “Drinking the Kool-aid.” For me. Because I’m an asshole.
(PS I’m so barfy that this show is back but so happy that you’re recapping again!)
“Eating the light-fruit” is the new “Drinking the Kool-aid.” For me. Because I’m an asshole.
(PS I’m so barfy that this show is back but so happy that you’re recapping again!)
apparently I’m also asshole enough to double comment. Or maybe it’s actually 12 months and two weeks in the future and*explodes*
I want to see Gabe while he’s watching this show. (Or any show that he recaps.) Does he furiously take notes on a legal pad? Does he watch with his laptop open so he can type things in real time? How does he remember all the details? Does he drink organic milk? #notastalker #justcurious
maybe he’s in one of those clockwork orange chairs with his eyes held open being forced to watch it while alan ball explains the “complexities” of each character.
thank god for ernie anastos references. “keep fucking that chicken” will legitimately never not be funny.
tara is the new ryan atwood cagefighting
if alan ball is taking notes from josh schwartz, tara’s plotline should be a lot more interesting this season
If Alan Ball is taking notes from Josh Schwartz TARA IS GOING TO DIE. #YAY
Why do I always hate Tara and Sam’s plotlines on this show? Oh, is it because they are boring? Tell me more about how you guys are totally feeling much better now that you have your shifter support group/Navajo story circle/cage fighting/lesbians. Just kidding. Do not tell me more about that. It’s boring. But also don’t tell me more about how you are fucked up and not happy and angry, because that is also boring.
I love how, in the year that Sookie was away, Vampire Jessica totally lost her accent. And Bill lost his sideburns and bangs.
Best lines:
“Five minutes. Ten if they got dranks.”
-Lafayette, my personal lord and saviour.
“When I was a kid I used to put squirrel heads on lizard bodies and invent new animals.”
-Terry, who is perfect and no, I will not brook any argument about this.
I found myself playing MonsterSoup on my iphone through the whole episode glancing up once in a while to see if someone’s top was off. When it wasn’t I went back to MonsterSoup
http://www.benzlogo.com/
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That second picture of the fairy party scene totally looks like a screen shot from the SIms.