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Guys, time for some REAL TALK. After the jump is a video of a dog with four prosthetic legs and it is so cute oh my God you don’t even know. He prances around in the grass as if he was a normal dog with for dog legs, but instead his legs are, you know, I don’t know, high-caliber mecha-fiber or something. The point is: awww! This little guy is not letting something like HAVING NO LEGS get him down. He just loves life. And grass. And probably treats. Definitely treats. But here is where the REAL TALK comes in: why? Why does he have four prosthetic legs? Like, OK, I have a dog, OK? She is beautiful. I love her. I hate her, but I also love her. (The reasons for hating her are complicated and it’s between the two of us, and you should stay out of it. Don’t worry, she’s doing great. She’s a real goddamned princess. That is actually part of it.) But, so, as an adult human being living in a modern world, and in particular, living in the New York section of the modern world, you can’t help but have some white liberal guilt about your dog. Admittedly, I have one of the fanciest, most bullshit yuppie brand of dogs there is (dogs come in brands, right?) but even if you rescue a dog from Puerto Rico (oh, I have so much to say about rescuing a dog in New York city, and trust me, it will make your moustachioed head spin right of your neck and fall into the middle of McCarren Park) you still should have a mild discomfort in the fact that we are SURROUNDED by actual living HUMAN BEINGS who do not get nearly the same treatment (TREATment) that our dogs do. These adorable little guys are living high off the hog (and by hog I mean “salmon flavored low-carb organic training-sized treats”) while a man with dignity dies in the road. It’s OK, I mean, the world is a weird and gigantic and very complicated place and things happen. Sometimes you have to have a dog so you don’t feel so sad in your apartment. But do you need to spend one million dollars on FAKE SPACE LEGS for your dog? I don’t know! Maybe you do! I am asking the question!
Check this guy out! He is so adorable and so full of moral quandries!
Awww! So cute! Fuck homeless people*! (Thanks for the tip, werttrew.)
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There’s an * but no footnote. I don’t know what page to turn to!
Also, awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Also, Gabe, what’s up with adopting a dog in NYC? I was going to look into it at some point in the future. Is it nightmarish?
Guess we will need a prosthetic footnote.
It’s in the back of the book but I didn’t read it cuz it’s 30 pages long. (DFW reference FTW!)
If you’re looking to adopt, these folks are really good:
http://www.barcshelter.org
Let’s paws for a minute to really appreciate what we have.
Any one of us can become a quadripuppylegic at any second
I think I know what happened to his legs. Someone cuddled them off, cuz he’s just that darn cute!
I seriously googled ‘the happiest picture in the world’ so I could post it here in a likely fruitless and unnecessary attempt to cheer Gabe up (you seem a little down, Gabe. May I call you Gabe?), but it was one terrible nightmare image after another. So, I am not posting any of those images. That is my gift to you.
Also, puppy!
The happiest picture in the world? You could have just asked me:
You’re a giver, Face.
If my dog needed prosthetic legs, and I could afford them? No question, I would get them in a heartbeat. My dogs are not property. They are part of my family. If they are broken, I won’t just toss them aside; I will do everything in my power to make them better.
And if my dog needed prosthetic legs and I couldn’t afford them? I would still make it happen, somehow.
I would carry him everywhere in a little puppy wagon.
Hey, I took in my pets from off the street. Homeless/ pet rescue with one stone. Feral cats make great babysitters!
At first I was all ‘FAKE!’ but then I was all ‘Shut up me, this is likely not fake.’ In any case this is clearly a happy little dog and I would like to pet him. #NoDogmo
Is there a stance to be had on rescuing a dog in NYC other than yes please rescue them all they are all so cute?
Needs a rocket launcher on its back.
(oh, I have so much to say about rescuing a dog in New York city, and trust me, it will make your moustachioed head spin right of your neck and fall into the middle of McCarren Park)
Please explain!
Yes please! Gabe, I’d also love to hear more!
NOOO! I like My Head!
And Who will Re-Enact our Civil Wars?
When it comes to “money spent on saving animals’ lives in the First World contra money spent on preventing people dying from diarrhea in the third world”, it’s not easy. But… the money not spent on a cool prosthetic-thingamajig for a dog, would be spent on a new car or something – not reliable third world aid.
Try it on animals first. That’s my policy.
Animals should be protected by the law, but not have innate rights. That’s my two eurocents.
Agreed. Nobody says, “I would love to just empty my bank account and donate it all to the next down-on-his-luck dude I see in the street, except my dog can’t live off anything but organic, grain-fed chicken…”
Not that I think it’s right that we fetishize our pets and treat them better than people. But I also see pets as something of a public health boon. They increase happiness by decreasing stress (and all those icky stress-related health consequences). Which, in turn, puts less pressure on our public health care system. So…? Complicated.
I’d like to think that the money spent on these adorable puppy legs (legs for adorable puppies that is) will recycle itself into the economy two ways. Either a) These are obivously experimental and the money spent from this billionaire dog owner will be plowed back into research that can be used to lower the manufacturing costs and new research that can be applied practically to humans or b) the millions spent on these legs will flow from the manufacturer, to employees and vendors, allowing them to spend the money as they wish, perhaps on aid to the homeless and Africa.
And that’s how we justify our capitalist economy (From a Rockefeller Republican point of view).
The Trickle-Down-A-Fire-Hydrant Economy.
If i had to pick between saving my dog’s life and saving someone i don’t know (50% of all strangers are assholes. STATS) i would pick my dog everytime. The same goes for giving my dog fake legs over giving some guy i don’t know fake legs. Perhaps this is just me, but dogs don’t fuck with my day or fire me or fail me or BREAK MY HEART. I guess they pee on my bed sometimes but you know, we all have bad days.
A better example would be, if my dog, no, any dog lost his legs and then Bam Margera lost his legs who would i save? Who would YOU save?
I would save the dog, then tweet about it to Bam Margera.
i work at an all natural/organic/holistic pet store and you would not BELIEVE how much money people spend on their pets. i’m talking $100+ per week on dog food. and all of them always say the same thing: pets should be tax deductible like children. also 75% of my customers are lesbian couples with no children so i guess their dogs ARE their children. it really is the best pet store in the world and if you live in the boston area you should check it out.
The dog has robot legs AND a bandana tied around it’s neck?! This is madness! No… this is an outdated POP CULTURE REFEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENCE!
If They(tm) are going to conduct terrible experiments on dogs and other animals for medicines and makeups and cleaning products and whatever the hell else, why not also test robot legs that make sad dogs into glad dogs?
Look for my new sitcom, Glad Dawgs on NBC next Fall. (Get it? “Fall” because of how walking on robot legs is hard!)
I am also curious about the pet-adoption nightmare you alluded to. What is up with that?
There is no sadness or guilt here. There is only a happy dog playing fetch. That’s all that matters.
Yeah, Gabe you should only be conflicted about this is the prosthetic legs were taken FROM someone and given to the dog. And even then, only be conflicted for like 2 minutes before the tidal wave of adorableness hits you. In conclusion, can someone please make little magnets that we can stick on this little guy’s legs? Because how fun would that be?
He lost his legs when they got stuck in ice and they froze off, then someone donated the prosthetic legs to him! It makes me so sad and so happy at the same time and I don’t know which emotion I should feel right now! Confusing!
I agree! I picture that poor adorable puppy stuck in a frozen puddle, shivering and in pain and scared and I am so sad, but look at him play on his robot legs now! I console myself with the fact that dogs seem to have short memories, so the dog probably forgot about the puddle by now.
My question is, where does it end?
My mom sometimes gives food to her church, and they in turn donate it to needy families in the community. The American community. A stable first world country with at least the semblance of a social safety net. Why isn’t she donating that food to needy communities in war-torn Afghanistan? And thinking further, at least the people in Afghanistan are free, when you compare them to political dissidents being tortured in repressive regimes, so why isn’t she dropping everything to start a campaign to free political dissidents? If you think about it even more, with six billion people on earth odds are at least one of them is a quadriplegic orphan nun trapped in a volcano, and sort of accidentally propped up on top of a car battery that periodically shorts out and shocks her, plus Cthulhu is there too. This human rights campaign is really just using up time that would be better spent searching each of our planet’s volcanos….
Taking less than perfect dogs and rehabilitating them often inspires people to rescue dogs. This happens when the rescuers walk around in the park with our happy part robot dogs which leads to pleasant interest and conversation. Which leads to less people buying from breeders. which means less deliberately created dogs who eat factory farmed horribly tortured animals that are eating a food supply that could feed the world and farting their way into global warming hell. i have a two legged dog (born that way). her stubbs are delicate so i dont think that she could have prostheses. But i bought a custom made wheelchair from a very wonderful old hippy-ish couple in upstate NY who are truly great people and they live a great life and support great causes and eat local beets and local eggs that are not so ethically terrible and they labor over these custom made wheelchairs with so much local economy love. I love my dog and she is so happy in her chair. It was worth every penny and I can’t imagine spending a dime of it elsewhere.