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Oh man. This whole thing has become like Groundhog Day. The only difference is that I don’t own a toaster oven, so I can’t drop one in the bathtub to see if my misery will ever end. But otherwise it’s exactly the same. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO WIN ANDIE MCDOWELL’S HEART? OK. Moving forward.
We’ve run through our most recent batch of titles, John McCain’s friends. Elizabethtown is the last scheduled nominee. So, as has become our custom, we must now revisit the rules, and decide on the next round of horrible movies with which to make my Sunday evenings a living eveningmare.
We do have a few next round picks already lined up. They are as follows.
- Man of the Year
- Dan in Real Life
- Lost in Space
- Smart People
- The Telephone
- Kangaroo Jack
- Havoc
Before submitting your nominees in either email or comment form, please consider, again, the rules:
- It cannot be intentionally horrible.
- It must have at least one A- or B-list movie star in it. (no “outsider art.”)
- It cannot be Glitter. (Addendum: or Crossroads)
- It has to have had a theatrical release.
- No matter how bad the movie, it cannot be based on a popular superhero.
- Gabe is the boss.
Remember the part in Groundhog Day when he apologized to everyone on his blog for the choices he’d made in life and then put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger? Oh, whoops, that’s the sequel. Groundhog Day 2.0: Full Throttle. Starring me.
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SCORE, L.I.S. FTW!!11!1
The Jacket.
and THE BEACH ugh
The Astronauts Wife.
for the love.
astronaut’s wife is pretty terrible, but Gabe, why do you resist Bicentennial Man? I mean Robin Williams is a given in this hunt.
or another robin williams disaster, PATCH ADAMS
or another robin williams disaster, PATCH ADAMS
Yeah, clearly Bicentennial Man is the worst movie ever made. Maybe Gabe is just afraid to gaze into a hole that dark?
or are you discounting the rest of his movies because of man of the year?
How about Soul Man?
burn after reading
I loved that movie!
Burn After Reading wasn’t terrible, just entirely unnecessary and completely forgettable.
Has anyone suggested Karate Kid 3? It’s truly terrible on virtually every level.
Who suggested Smart People? Smart People was disappointing, dull, and eh, but there isn’t anything spectacularly bad about it. Whoever suggested Smart People is just trying to punish Gabe.
Lindsay I suggested Smart People and sorry to say it but you’re wrong. Smart People was the worst and that’s the truth. It was the worst of the worst because i’m pretty sure everyone on set thought they were making the next Juno or something. I could tell, they probably all walked around looking really self-satisfied and smug. I think that alone makes it the worst, that they think they’re making the next big indie-mediocre quirky film but they’re actually just making a terrible waste of time and money. and that Sarah Jessica Parker was playing a pregnant 30 year old when she’s like 104 years old or something.
TWMOAT is Ridley Scott’s jingoistic travesty, “Black Hawk Down.” It has it all — an A-list director; a fanbase that subsists entirely on Jagerbombs; vestiges of critical acclaim; horrific acting by major Hollywood names; blatant racism; Eric Bana; blatant racism; American flags; and a touch of blatant racism.
yeah!
The Sweetest Thing, FOR SURE.
seconded. even after watching, i still don’t even know what this movie is about. there is zero plot.
It must already be on the list but just in case it was somehow overlooked – Indiana Jones and the Crystal Pepsi. Only a movie that is the worst of all time could make Cate Blanchett seem like a bad actress.
the worst movie of all time has to be Across The Universe. I just can’t live in a world where it’s not.
SECONDED! Especially since I took a lot of shit for hating that movie when it came out. Who’s the tastemaker NOW, frenemies???
THIRDed
I uh… fourth it.
fifthsies
If you want bad movies just tap into the film careers of the Friends cast. Especially Matthew Perry. The ones that come to mind are:
Three to Tango
Fools Rush In
Rumor Has It
Six Days, Seven Nights (so BAD! Harrison Ford and Anne Heche ech. Schwimmer is her fiance)
hmmm… Scream movies were good. I’m sure Matt leBlanc was in an awful movie or two. Any i’m forgetting?
Let’s add All the Queen’s Men to that list.
I am seconding Three to Tango (again). There’s tuna melt vomiting in it and a faux gay sub plot!
Rollerball. Definitely Rollerball.
I know we’ve already covered Bruce Willis, but Mercury Rising ( “aka Mercury Falling”) is kind of really the most worst. There’s a girl in it who does a Bart Simpson impression that is so embarrassing. And the plot is this- “the CIA says let’s see if anyone can crack this code, oh shit someone can crack this code! kill it!” shut it up, movie, before I shut it for you.
Gabe, I am worried that the nominees for THFTWMOAT is not a finite number.
The Matthew LeBlanc movie “Ed” where he is a minor league baseball player on a team that’s just signed a new secret weapon….. a chimpanzee!
The chimp’s defense is incredible. He gets an unassisted triple play!
The Sweetest Thing is a great nomination. But it might be somewhat intentionally horrible, thereby disqualifying it for consideration. It’s really awful though. Glory hole jokes??? Really?
the new indiana jones movie is truly one of the worst things i have ever seen. made the phantom menace look like godfather II.
Have you seen What Dreams May Come? God. For your sake, I hope not.
yes, i second What Dreams May Come. i cannot emphasize strongly enough how completely insufferable that movie is. it is probably sarah palin’s favorite movie of all time.
I’m not going to say it was a great film, but it wasn’t anywhere close the the worst movie of all time.
I think the visuals/special effects were creative enough to make up for all of its numerous faults.
I second the Across the Universe nomination, I have never actively hated a movie so much in my life. Plus it has a bunch of A- and B-list stars in it and it was trying SO HARD.
But somebody should have seen that interpreting all the lyrics to Beatles songs LITERALLY ON SCREEN was a bad idea.
You should watch Jawbreaker.
can we get some Woody Allen? How about Melinda and Melinda. What a fucking stinker.
Also, I know you could do an entire series just about Nicolas Cage, but have you seen NEXT?
i have a pretty crappy defense of Elizabethtown when you guys are ready for it.
I know I’m the only one who continues to suggest The Mexican, but that is because I may be the only one who saw The Mexican. It has THE WORST product placement scene EVER and it happens AT THE CLIMAX of the whole damn movie.
Not to mention a plot that tries SO HARD to be Tarantino but instead is TaranLAMEO.
It’s nowhere near the worst movie of all time.
Masters of the Universe is. I’m not going to give up.
I’m Not There
Failure to Launch
Wild Hogs (really anything with Tim Allen gets my vote)
I second whoever mentioned Next with Nicholas Cage
Mr. and Mrs. Smith. (Please, if I hear another marimba to denote quirky madcappery on a movie or television score, murder me in my sleep.)
Ocean’s 11-13 (I have a thing about “Look at us! We’re famous and also cool!” movies.)
Forrest Gump.
The Hours.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake.
Oh, and what’s that movie with YOUR MAMA in it? That movie.
no, not forrest gump. i’ll admit that the whole actors pretending to be mentally disabled is really awful and annoying to watch, and that its oversentimental, but this movie is nice and an interesting concept. not anywhere near the Worst.
I nominate that one with Costner and Kutcher, about the coastguard or whatevs.
The Strangers
I also second Forrest Gump.
Has Welcome to Mooseport been tackled yet? Because jesus christ guys.
Also, i saw someone mention Across The Universe. I would agree with that. The problem is that so many people i know loved it. But it was so horrible and cliche and…. just everything. “Damnit when are you going to stop your Kerouac reading ways?”
Also for what it’s worth, Spiderman 3 is hands down THE worst movie i have ever seen in my life. And this isn’t some y’know, anti-blockbuster dude talking. I thought the first two were decent. But Spiderman 3 was horrible. “Wait a minute, are you saying that have amnesia the day after you found out i killed your dad…. and now you don’t remember that at all?”
“If you think that’s a completely improbable coincidence that happens WAY too conveniently, just wait until the moment i get my memory back and save the day. Also, VENOM IS KILLED BY SOUND. WTF?! I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE.”
finally, spiderman 3 is easily the worst. i feel like that movie was written by a 13 year old.
You don’t need Dan in Real Life. It really is not that bad unless you are bringing prior Dane Cook associations into the viewing process. Don’t give in to the Guy Who Keeps Suggesting Dan in Real Life lobby.
yes, it is really that bad, how can you have steve carrell as the star of a movie and give him nothing funny or at least remotely interesting to say. it made him look terrible. the whole thing is a bad “they love each other but cant have each other” story thats been played to death. and if youve seen it, all i can say is family aerobics class in the yard scene. what was that?
Has anyone suggested the Colin Ferrell movie “Phone Booth” yet? Oh my God, please put “Phone Booth” on the list, though I doubt anyone could finish it without killing themselves. A bad movie is terrible enough, but when that bad movie takes place in literally one location, it magnifies the crappiness by a trillion.
second
Has What Dreams May Come been brought up at any point?
i second jawbreaker! terrible!
i also nominate “because i said so” and “interiors”
You MUST include Across the Universe. I mentioned it really early on and it’s really taken off. Seriously, it attempts to be a transcendent take on life in the 60′s using a plot taken from Beatles’ songs which they use new (and old) talent to cover. Guess what? IT’S THE WORST! Seriously, no movie has made me as pissed off. EVER. It NEEDS to be on here. It’s also the worst because of the obnoxious people that like. All people that like bad movies LOVE that movie and think it’s the BEST. Any reasonable person I’ve talked to thinks it’s one of the worst pieces of shit they’ve ever seen. Seriously, I will have no faith in Videogum anymore if it isn’t included. PUT IT ON!
i agree that ‘dan in real life’ wasn’t really the kind of bad you’re looking for.
i’d put it along the lines of ‘spanglish,’ i.e. not even really The Worst at all, just a little tone deaf.
you know what was the kind of bad you’re looking for?
‘MIAMI VICE.’
(i’ve nominated it so many times, i know it’ll never happen, but i still think it’s a serious contender. someone once seconded my nomination, btw.)
p.s. nora, you are correct: ‘because i said so’ was fucking excruciating.
also, ‘forrest gump?’ really? i’m not saying it was the best, but it was not the worst.
are we unclear on the criteria?
Gabe…. please…. Eye of the Beholder starring Ewan McGregor and Ashley Judd.
I need this.
For the love of GOD! The Mutant Chronicles 2008. Ron Perlman and John Malkovich. Biggest load of codswallop I’ve ever seen.
Elizabethtown IS NOT the worst movie of all time, the soundtrack is just too good.
Fool’s Gold. It’s so, so horrible.
‘The Quiet’ trust me.
I’m going to have to second the motions on Bicentennial Man and Across the Universe.
I must nominate Wild Things. ‘Fans’ call it a guilty pleasure, but that’s only because they know they should GO TO JAIL for liking this ridiculously horrible movie.
Good call on Havoc. Please for the next round but in Gone in Sixty Second. So terrible. So very terrible.
I’m happy as a clam to see that Man Of The Year made it after my repeated nominations. To keep on the Robin Williams train, tackle One Hour Photo, if you feel like scooping out your eyes.
Also, Dan In Real Life is not that bad. Leave Steve Carrel alone! And the Sondre Lerche soundtrack was good.
Seriously,
BICENTENNIAL MAN.
The longest movie ever starring Robin Williams as a robot that’s also actually pinocchio or something. Bicentennial Man is so a Worst Movie of All Time candidate it’s not even funny.
Boxing Helena: nugget porn + Lynch knockoff/spawn = pure awfulness
S.F.W.: saucy title + launching pad for Reese Witherspoon + producer Michael “labels are for canned food” Stipe = satire for res
All paths lead to sincere films of the early nineties, but this shit is for real. Anti-hipster bonus round: every David Cronenberg film EVER.
anything with laboeuf
Disturbia in particular. boring and irratating, not scary. bad adaptation of rear window.
Devil’s Advocate.
Don’t blaspheme, it’s not becoming of you.
Yeah, you gotta do Devil’s Advocate. I love all those devils movies, but like End of Days this is just ridiculous!
“The Third Miracle” — an actual theatrical release from 1999. Ed Harris is sent by the Vatican to find out whether Anne Heche’s dead mom is worthy of sainthood. Unremittingly awful, with one wrong decision after another. (To choose but one example: In the climactic scene — SPOILER ALERT! — Anne Heche watches a home video of her mom, taken in 1970. To repeat: She watches a HOME VIDEO of her mom, taken in 1970. You know. With one of those 8-track camcorders that were widely available in 1970.)
Also: “A Time to Kill”. Also: “Contact”. Also: Anything else made during that mid-90′s period when people thought Matthew McConaughey could act.
BOXING HELENA, plz.
Limbless Sherilyn Fenn
The Black Dahlia. I’ve never had a movie that I was excited about seeing disappoint me so much. I almost walked out of the theatre. Hillary Swank cannot do sexy and don’t even get me started on the ending. I also second whoever said Fool’s Gold. A friend tricked me into watching it telling me that Matthew McConaughey’s muscles would make it well worth it. Matthew McConaughey’s muscles could not save this movie.
I second The Black Dahlia. It is the worst/is perfect for THFTWMOAT. Big stars, big director, and takes itself very seriously.
I third this. That movie was a waste of time.
Oh god yes. A good book (from the guy who wrote L.A. Confidential, after all) completely fucked over by an absolute trainwreck of an adaptation – often nonsensical and attempting to replace the novel’s sinister obsessive sexual undertones with idiotic treatments of violence.
Oh dear God, that movie NEEDS to be on the list. Never have I managed to fall asleep three times during a movie, and everything I was awake for totally pissed me off.
Freddie Got Fingered… the only movie I have ever walked out of a theater whilst watching. I just visibly cringed remembering it.
freddy got fingered is not a real movie. it’s like watching tom green dance around in his imagination or something. doesn’t count.
When I was talking about this list with a friend, Congo was the first movie that he mentioned and I realized that I hadn’t seen it nominated. It deserves to be. what a cinematic disaster. Dan in Real Life wasn’t a great movie but no where near as bad as Armageddon, Water World, Devil’s Advocate, Random Hearts or The Postman (Kevin Costner) to name just a few.
kevin costner has never made a good moviee
fuck bull durham
ooo!!! Patch Adams, or as I prefer to think of it Crap Adams. also Hurlyburly. seriously, that movie is the worst.
Also, The Day After Tomorrow, because even though Dennis quad is tough he cant hike over 100 miles in the snow in 2 days.
I agree with Across the Universe. Terrible movie. I’m also going to re-nominate Black Snake Moan. Samuel L. Jackson keeps a sex-addicted Christina Ricci locked in his house so he can heal her with Jesus while Justin Timberlake is at war. One of the plot keywords listed on IMDB is “Slut.” This movie is TWMOAT.
The Ninth Gate. Its about books, and books contain the word boo–like “Boo I am a scary ghost,” as well as “Boo, this movie sucks.” Also it has Johnny Depp.
are you high?
that movie was fucking awesome.
If you have not seen “Heaven’s Prisoners” with Alec Baldwin, it’s one to consider.
how to lose a guy in 10 days.
oh, and the holiday! probably the worst movie with that many famous/loved actors involved. god, it’s so bad. when cameron diaz starts crying at the end. GOD.
Near Dark
I can’t believe i read through all these comments and not one mention of Battlefield Earth. I think it fits all those categories. I mean i don’t think it was trying to be horrible. Had a theatrical release, Travolta, not really any superheros.
Gabe already did it!
yea The Day After Tomorrow was terrible, but also kind of funny in its ridiculousness, so maybe that kinda redeems it? it also has some wicked irony (americans trying to cross the border into mexico! hilarious!)
but a decent soundtrack does not make up for a terrible movie.
and to charles: that is because he already covered battlefield earth.
I have two more that haven’t been mentioned:
Envy (Jack Black, Ben Stiller)
and…
The Gods Must Be Crazy (Monty Python meets Benny Hill gone TERRIBLY wrong more than it ever should have)
Whoa whoa whoa! Let’s just leave the Gods Must Be Crazy out of this.
Envy is possibly the worst movie to ever exist ever. For the first half, I honestly didn’t believe there was a script at all. For the second half, I was in my car driving home.
Yeah, Dan in Real Life was entirely forgettable, but Sondre Lerche’s soundtrack was great. I recommend Spun. Its like the worst drug-related movie. Really painful.
Has anyone recommended Jack Frost, the one where Michael Keaton gets resurrected as a snowman?
Because that is some painful shit.
I wasn’t a fan of the original star wars movies. I thought the acting was poor and the script was silly. However, they passed for decent young adult fantasy space movies, which is what they were intended to be.
However
The last three Star Wars movies were all beyond horrible. Huge budget, famous (terrible) director, and loads of A-list actors giving community theater performances . Worst script ever. Hayden Christensen. Horrible child acting. It’s pretty hard to turn die hard geeks on something they are obsessed with.
Has any one suggested Escape From L.A. yet? Because if not, that is definitely one to consider. That movie is truly, truly, horrendous.
no pay it forward? really? that is the definition of the worst movie ever.
my apologies if i missed it, i looked back through all the others.
OMG! Yes! Pay it Forward is TERRIBLE!!! Also, Dan in Real Life IS that bad. Not one funny part and absolutely sappy.
water world, for the love of god.
i think the day after tomorrow is an excellent choice.
Oh sweet mother mary, someone’s post up there about Ridley Scott reminded me of a truly terrible film: BLACK RAIN. Please review it. It has the one from Indiana Jones 2 who shrieks all the time in it as a cocktail hostess with Huggy Bear-like omniscience. HOly cow, it’s awful.
ENVY. ENVY. ENVY. You have to think of a new word to describe a comedy with Jack Black, Ben Stiller, Chris Walken and NOT ONE SINGLE JOKE in it. Not one. Not even a little one.
dan in real life was NOT that bad
and i’m still waiting for the lake house to be submitted. THE WORST.
Shoot ‘em Up. Seriously there is not one non terrible moment in it. From Clive “Yes I can play the most uncharismatic man in the world” Owen to the skydiving shootout it’s all utter shit. If you do not put this film in then the world has been wronged! WRONGED!
Also, I [am wearing my CONVERSES, drinking my PEPSI, driving my AUDI and raping Isaac Asimov's corpse in order to apprehend a] Robot
How about that shitty A.I. movie with Jude Law and Haley Joel Osment?
Actually, yeah, if there’s going to be a dire robot film on the list, it should be A.I. Or Bicentennial Kid as you might as well call it.
How bout the Cat in the Hat (w/ Mike Myers)? The worst movie I ever paid to see, and I paid to see Ballistic Ecks vs. Sever.
What Dreams May Come–absolutely the worst tampon commercial I’ve ever seen.
Destiny Turns on The Radio. Tarantino (as actor) plays the embodiment of luck. Spent hard-earned college dollars to see it in the theater. Mentally vomited for hours.
Double Jeopardy.
YES I ROBOT IS THE WORRRRRSSSSSTTTTT.
Stealth with Josh Lucas, Jessica Biel, Jamie Foxx. I feel like that may be the worst movie i have ever seen
MAX PAYNE
pleeeeeeease
Cruising. Pacino. Worst.
SPANGLISH
water horse was terrible even for kids
“stay alive”about the video game killer w/e was awful. the grudge 2, holy man (i think thats what someone meant by soul man but i could be wrong), the strangers had me wanting to be shot at the end, failure to launch, the fountain, wrong turn,rollerball, and if ur brave from justin to kelly,
Charlie Wilson’s War. What an epically bad movie that tries so hard not to be bad.
One Missed Call.. the 0% fresh on RottenTomatoes.com speaks VOLUMES.
8mm. It starts off OK, and quickly veers into incomprehensibility + reprehensibility and then IT JUST WON’T FREAKING END.
Also, Nick Cage.
I hereby nominate Hope Floats.
It’s either “Zardoz” or “Exorcist II: The Heretic”.
The first stars Sean Connery (just after Bond) and Charlotte Rampling.
The second stars Richard Burton, for chrissakes.
The director of both was John Boorman, and these are the two movies he made after Oscar nominations galore with “Deliverance”.
The Fountain.
Why Hugh Jackman? Why?
“I Heart Huckabees”. DO IT! Actually anything with Jude Law.
Oh god, “The Strangers” was pretty terrible too. I’m torn. Both!
The worst movie I have ever seen is “The Velocity of Gary”. It is one of the few movies that has made me want to both want to claw my eyes out and poke out my ear drums. Vincent D’Onofrio stars as a porn star (really?) who inspires such deep lust (how?) of Salma Hayek (no chance) AND Thomas Jane (before he became a B-lister). The movie starts out with a teen deaf transsexual being hit by a car and devolves into an hour and a half of Salma Hayek screeching. Sample quote, from D’O to his lovers Hayek and Jane: “I don’t wanna live without you guys. And now I don’t wanna die without you.” The worst part about this movie is the utter seriousness with which it takes itself. Or maybe it’s the D’Onofrio nude scenes.
I agree with “Bicentennial man”, “The Mexican”, “I Robot”, “Cat in the Hat” and…
…”Across the universe” – It was the ONLY time I ever walked out from a theater. To be exact, when Bono started jumping on the scree.
I actually can’t quite believe they made this movie…
“21 grams” – pretentious self involved crap that follows a pathetic thought “If you don’t understand it, it’s art.”
“Titanic” – no comment necessary
“Chicago” – sorry, but “Moulain Rouge” kicked it’s sorry wannabelavish ass
“Dead poets society” – bad acting; one cliche after another; sadly unconvincing; it looks like Hallmark puked all over a thanksgiving turkey and rolled in dead leaves of a college park
“Clerks” – BAD BAD BAD acting (not like “it’s so cute he has no clue Keanu Reeves bad acting” but truly annoying BAD acting). Ps- Kevin Smith is ok sometimes btw. “Dogma”, for example, is even better than this faux-lowbuget- cult movie
“Pretty woman” – basically, ALMOST every other “romantic comedy” but this one is so vomit inducing and offensive to one’s intelligence it should be banned
“English patient” – very very insincere, fake and unnecessary movie. That is exactly the word- FAKE; it’s a movie that blatantly LIES to your face- it is not the movie it’s supposed to be. Again, Minghella is otherwise great…
But I guess it SIMPLY CAN’T be worse than “THE CELL” (Jennifer Lopez, Vince Vaughn, Vincent D’Onofrio…) And the ‘ripping a nipple ring’ is actually the LEAST painful scene.
Truly the worst movie of all time.
Ps: “Eye of the beholder” and “The ninth gate” are great movies!
And although not exactly ‘great’ I would never nominate “I heart Huckabees” and even “The Devil’s advocate”.
The Notebook.
This movie is such a sugar coated portrayal of alzheimer. Actually you could add any Nicholas Sparks adaptations to that list.
I agree.
“The Notebook”, definitely.
You gotta do The Notebook. It’s like Boondock Saints in that it has this really devoted group of people who love it but the movie is crap!
The highlights from my brother’s bad movie weekend a few years ago: “Doppelganger” starring Drew Barrymore and “Santa with Muscles” starring Hulk Hogan. I’ve watched Doppelganger several times now and the only way I can make sense of the plot is to assume they changed the whole plot several times with reshoots and just decided to keep everything together.
SwM is mind-bogglingly bad, even for a Hulk Hogan movie, which says a lot. The IMDB plot tag reads “An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus.” Oh yeah. Used to be in competition for IMDB’s worst movie slot back when a site called WrestleCrap boosted up its visibility, but sadly has “fallen” over the years down to #44. Favorite part: when, after warning a character that some crystal stalactites are so unstable that they’ll explode at the slightest touch, Hogan and the villain end up sword-fighting with the stalactites with nary an explosion in sight. The movie against which all bad movies should be judged.
Can we nominate a movie trailer? Because that’s all I needed to see to nominate How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Unless you’re dating a pre-teen, looking at a box of tampons in your bathroom shouldn’t really affect you at all. AT ALL. At all. Freaking out over tampons in the bathroom is the voting Yes on Prop 8 of relationship troubles. Unnecessary and retarded.
Also DOMINO, which is based on a true story, which makes it sort of a biopic, which gives it automatic “two worst thumbs up.” And also, FAIL. I am NOT a bounty hunter.