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If I tried to tell you that one of the Kardashian sisters from the hit show The Kardashian Sisters had written a novel you wouldn’t believe me. You’d say, “Oh come on, I don’t believe you.” They ARE pretty stupid. But so what if I told you that all three of them combined their brains into one small, tiny, ghostwriter brain and wrote a novel together? Still don’t believe me? That is fair. It’s a ridiculous idea. And yet, here we are. There is even a brief description of this “book.”
This fictional page turner takes readers inside the lives of three gorgeous celebrity sisters, their complicated relationships with Hollywood, each other, and the glamorous lives they lead in front of the cameras and behind the scenes. It will be up to readers to figure out which parts of the novel are based on truth and which are purely imagined….
Hahhaha. Uh. Hahahhahaha! What a great book. WHERE DO THEY GET THEIR IDEAS?! Of course, because it takes three of them to write a book, you’d need a fourth one to come up with a title. That’s where we come in! There is a contest to name it, so let’s win that contest! We’re smart! (Not actually sure if that is a plus in this situation.) The rules are here (via Gawker). It does involve following the publisher on Twitter and Tweeting your suggestions at them, so please use the hashtag #videogumeverywhere just so they know we don’t want any trouble. Not us, man. We just want our agents to come home safe. Or even better, stay home in the first place.
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What These Spanx Have Seen
Jiggle-oes
Use-lysses
Dumbliners
Finnegan’s Tape
A Portrait of the Arses Kardashian.
Mr. Toe’s Wild Ride
I actually did one on twitter. And it was stupid as shit. Are you sure we’re smart, Gabe? I suggested KOMING KLEAN.
But, on the real tip, you know KOMING KLEAN is going to win. That shit is KLASSIK.
Though, thinking about it, this is what the winner gets:
The grand prize winner will have their suggested title printed on the cover of the book and their name featured in the story! All five finalists will each receive a copy of the book signed by Kourtney, Kim and Khloé Kardashian.
I don’t even know if I want that prize. My name in a Kardashian book? In what context? Is it a dedication, because even coming from a Kardashian I’ve never met, a book dedication is pretty sweet. Or is it just that like I show up at some party and Kourtney walks in on me doing blow off a toilet seat or something, because I would not like that one bit!
“Bruce Jenner was in the middle of one of his epic 10-hour long sobbing sessions, when he noticed that Kourtney had just walked into the house carrying her baby under her arm, like it was a loaf of bread.
‘Kourtney,’ said Bruce, face puffy from a combination of crying and botox. ‘You can’t carry your baby like that!’
Kourtney looked down at the baby. ‘Heh. How long have I been carrying this thing around? All day? I have a baby? Oh, yeah.”
Bruce shook his head and thought of happier times, the 1976 Olympics, meeting Gerry Ford at the White House and that time that Cathie Lee Crosby gave him a hummer back stage at ‘The $10,000 Pyramid.’ He then reached under the couch cushion, searching in vain for another tube of Superglue to huff and dull the pain.”
Kris Kardashian put down the phone and sighed. No matter how many times she told her daughters they were fat, it never seemed to work.
“I don’t understand. What am I doing wrong? I think I need an expert.”
She called her maid, Rosa, and had her bring the Yellow Pages. Then she had her gardener Carl explain how the Yellow Pages work. Finally, she flipped through them.
“Hmmm…Outboard motors…Padded bras…aha! Parenting experts,” Kris Kardashian twirled her finger around and pointed randomly at one of the entries.
“This guy sounds promising – I bet he can tell me all about how to be a good parent!” she said, and began to dial Werttrew’s number.
snorted.
meaning i snorted. at how funny that was.
“…and then Brooke was like, totally mad, you know?”
Kourtney rolled her eyes. She had heard Maddyson’s story about Tiffani and Jarrod’s ugly break up about four times. She looked around her, at the rest of the club.
Their table was behind the heavy curtain that meant they were special people, and better than everyone else. But the curtain was open a little bit on purpose so that the poor people could see what they were missing.
Most of the people in the regular part of the club were trying to see behind the curtain without looking like they were trying to see behind the curtain. Usually, this would have made Kourtney happy, but not this evening.
What had caught her eye was the one person in the club who didn’t seem to care that she and her sisters were there – and Kourtney knew immediately who it was.
“Godsauce,” she hissed. “How dare he come here?”
She picked up her pink cocktail, and chewed the cherry angrily. Then she spit the cherry into a napkin, because she wasn’t allowed the calories. She flicked her hair, pulled back her shoulders, and marched out of the special area and over to wear Godsauce was talking to a pretty redhead.
“Get out of here, bitch,” said Kourtney. “This is between me and Godsauce.”
Then she threw her drink at his chest. But Godsauce just chuckled and smiled kindly.
“Oh, Kourtney. Really? I thought you were better than this. I really did.”
Kourtney’s resolve disappeared, and she began to cry. Godsauce opened his arms for a hug, and patted her head as she sobbed into his chest.
A Hard Man Is Good To Find
I snorted.
aw shux. a snort is the highest compliment!
I swear I’m not a plagiarist snorter. I just saw this. Twinsies 4 life.
Life of Pie: Khloe’s Tales
“A fictional page turner” is correct because it’s fiction that this book is a page-turner. Get it?
A classic Strunk and White turnaround.
Always be upvoting Strunk and White references
Necronomikardashian
The Bitches of Los Angeles County
Skanky Toilet Paper
Everyone’s Inferno
I’m really hoping this book is a fictionalized portrait of the Andrews sisters.
The Korandashian
I actually laughed out loud at this one. Well done, my friend from south of the border.
They could call it “Our Struggle.” Of course, their names our so long, they should just shorten it to an acronym. Maybe they could take the first letter from each of their names.
Wow, this joke is like one of those Russian Dolls where you open it and inside there’s another doll and you open that and — well, usually there’d be another doll, but this time there’s just some amateur porn transforming someone who’s not exactly book smart into someone super famous and rich and getting a TV show for all the dolls and ultimately making them all “book smart.”
Now With Page(s)!
The Late, Great Planet Earth
A Song of Money and Tans
Book 1: Game of Klones
Book 2: A Klash of Kweens
Book 3: A Storm of Sex Tapes
Book 4: A Feast for Cows
Book 5: A Dance with Dragons (works as is)
Oh the Places We’ll Ho!
Sisterhood of the Fancy Pants
Sisterhood of the No Panties
Booty Kall
Kassandra Kavanaugh’s Konfidential Klassik
The Lying, the Bitching and the Wardrobe Assisting.
Wouldn’t anyone who cares about these girls just watch the show on E! vs read a book about them?
Kim’s Sex Tape: The Novelization
My choices are:
“Ghostwritten”
“Khostwritten”
“Seriously? Seriously.”
and
“There Are Pictures In Here!”
Keeping Up With Snooki.
Eeeeeeeuueeeeeeurrreeegghhnneerrrrn: A Novel
A Konfederacy of Dunces
“A Book, WE’RE TOLD”
A Visit From the Poon Squad
Is that too gross? It’s too gross.
It’s gross, but I appreciate the reference.
It’s gross but I lol’d at it so much.
Postcards from the Vadge?
There, now we both feel terrible.
Pride and Prejudice and Idiots
Sense and Sensibility and Sluts
An Idiot’s Guide To Urine Based Fame
Booty Booty Booty Booty Rocking Everywhere: A Novel.
There’s Too Much Booty In This Book
Are You There, Kim? It’s Us, Kourtney & Kim. We’re Stuck In Your Ass. Also You’re Terrible. Actually, We All Are: A Kautionary Tale: The Movie
DAMMIT. Let me try again:
Are You There, Kim? It’s Us, Kourtney & Khloé. We’re Stuck In Your Ass. Also You’re Terrible. Actually, We All Are: A Kautionary Tale: The Movie
Karception: We Have To Go Deeper
Gross!
A Konfederacy of Douches
Where the Vile Things Are
Absurdashian
How are People Still Asking how the Publishing and Bookselling Industry and is Failing?
Necronomicon
Remembrances of Kim’s Ass
Angela’s Asses
Kaptain Underpants and the Case of the 3 Dumb, Big Assed Sisters
Love in the Time of Kholera
100 Years of Turpitude
Asses On Parade
All the Pretty Whores
Steal This Book and Then Burn It
A Light in the Ass-ic
Middlesex (and all other types of sex as well)
The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Complete Idiots
Dummies for Dummies
Cristal for Elephants
1984 Pounds
Between this and learning Sarah Palin is releasing a movie… I miss the Rapture, you guys.
An Assfair to Remembogle
Super Sad True Shit Story
The Khommunist Manifesto
Ass Gravity’s Rainbow
Inside the KKK (you know they so would)
Eat Pray Love