Photos
The well-known genius Kirk Cameron was preparing for the Apocalyptic event that he knew would be occurring on Saturday, May 21, 2011. He had his suit pressed so that he would get to heaven looking sharp, and he bought some healthy snacks like some mixed nuts and some fruit and a Vita Coco just in case the Rapture took a little longer than he anticipated. The way he figured, he and his family would get up early–if they could even sleep, they’d probably be so excited–and head up to the roof with a beach blanket and a transistor radio so they could watch the whole shebang. What a show! Best seats in the house! (He actually said stuff like this at the dinner table and while he and his wife were flossing at their his and hers sinks at night. She would smile and laugh and found it charming. She married him after all.) And then, poof! They would all be in heaven, and all of the other stupid cretins and also Jews would spend an eternity in hell.
Kirk Cameron was a very smart genius and he would debate anyone on just about any topic and he knew that he had the smarts to back it up with his giant brain and his deep repository of John Lennon lyrics to cite at random.
In the hallway of Kirk Cameron’s house, which was more of a scientific laboratory, and a graduate library than a home, what with all the smart stuff that was going on in there all the time, were framed diplomas from MENSA and all the colleges and stuff. He had, like, a million certificates for being the smartest, and some of them even had ribbons on them, because he’d won prizes for it. For being so smart. He was incredible.
“Something about the bible,” Kirk Cameron said.
He went on FOX News and complained about everything.
Everyone, of course, is entitled to their beliefs, but still! And on Sunday, May 22nd, 2011, Kirk Cameron, the genius, was driven to the hospital by his wife after suffering from severe exposure due to spending more than 36 hours on his roof with very little to eat or drink (the Vita Coco was only 12oz). His face was red and blistery and his tongue was swollen in his mouth and he had messed himself. When she had found him this way–the rest of the family had returned inside for a proper meal and some videogames and crotchet and whatever hours earlier–he insisted that he be allowed to stay because he “didn’t want to miss it.” His wife put her hands on her hips. “Let’s go, Einstein,” she said.
During the three days Kirk Cameron had to stay in the hospital, IV drips all in his arms, staring out the window hoping to see Christian souls ascending to heaven, all the doctors called him “Smartypants.”
 |
 |
You Might Also Like
 Anderson Cooper Talks To Kirk Cameron About All Those Birds… |  Fuck CNN Though, For Real |  Once Again, The Internet Is Completely Useless In The Face… | Sorry, Guys, Weekend’s Canceled |
Leave a Reply
Sign inSign in with FacebookYou must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.
I choose to believe that the Rapture actually happened, but Kirk was just left behind.
#Hollywoodpostitnote
Actually Kirk (aka Buck Williams!) was left behind in the film Left Behind, so this makes perfect sense. It’s almost like you guys didn’t have an adolescence you still aren’t sure what to make of that may have involved reading all the books and seeing the movie or anything?
Kirk is a good man that loves God, anyone that has something negative to say about another person needs to rethink what a christian is. I recall Jesus standing in the street when the townspeople where going to stone to death a woman and Jesus says he that has no sin cast the first stone. We are suppose to love one another and judge not for ye shall be judged the same way. At least Kirk is bold enough to stand up for our savior. So lets quit pulling people down and stand together and love one another. God is love and through love we can accomplish anything. Love is the answer!!
I feel like you posting Philosoraptor is some version of breaking the fourth wall…
Watch me do it again:
I was thinking about tornadoes the other day (like about a week ago) because of a This American Life episode I was listening to at the time, and realized I only ever think of them in context with the United States, the Great Plains, and the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, and I never think of them happening in other countries and on other continents, even though they are weather and probably happen all over the place. I thought that was weird how I had just realized my Americentric concern over tornadoes had never expanded to other countries until that moment.
To be fair, every natural disaster has a certain “home range.” You get earthquakes and volcanoes at tectonic intersections and typhoons/hurricanes at certain latitudes coming in off the oceans.
Here’s where tornadoes live:
White people problems.
Wow, that’s . . . and hurricanes, too
I approve these messages.
I don’t think Kirk Cameron’s family plays video games, if they do they’re probably like Veggie Tales The Game
This exists and is $19.95 before shipping. It’s not eligible for Amazon Prime.
Does no one remember this little gem?
Is he fending off heathens?
Meanwhile…
“Well, you didn’t believe in us Stephen, but at least you weren’t a total dick about everything like those other guys.” -Angels
“You sure are lucky that God loves irony.” – Angels
“Why do I still have to use this computer to talk if I’m in heaven?”
“Oh, we can’t really understand British accents all that well.” -Angels
Heaven and angels and the rapture not existing is not even the biggest reason I think this scenario is unlikely, and let me explain why. I genuinely* believe Stephen Hawking has found the secret to eternal life and will therefore never die. Consider: MND (Motor Neurone Disease) is typically fatal within 2–5 years. Hawking has lived for nearly 50 years with the disease, and will be 70 next year. Something something Occam’s Razor something something Captain Scarlet Indestructible. #caseclosed
*obviously not genuinely
Convinced me.
I would like to point everyone to this legitimate business. The founder is the real genius here:
http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/
Seriously, who would want to get raptured if dogs weren’t allowed in heaven????
all dogs go to heaven
What if god is a dog and the dogs are actually the chosen ones and after the rapture all the humans will be led around on leashes and the left behind dogs walk on two legs behind us and yank on our leashes whenever we try to run. Oh god, you dog! Nooooo!!!!!
If I lost my puppy…
NOOOOOOOOO!
Hold up a second. There are TWO post-rapture petcare services out there?
Man, post-Rapture is going to be just like The Stand, but with our pets.
“Stay. Good boy/girl.” – Christians, during the rapture, probably.
“God is a concept, by which we can measure
Our pain” – John Lennon
” Goo goo g’joob g’goo goo g’joob.
Goo goo g’joob g’goo goo g’joob g’goo…” – Kirk Cameron
Just puked in my mouth a bit…
So my friend has a bible autographed by Kirk Cameron and we cherish the lols it brings us.
Also, that picture makes me think that this rapture thing could be a benevolent act by some deity removing the more unpleasant and self-righteous elements from the planet by sucking them up in some enormous celestial Hoover.
In college we spent maybe too many hours on Kirk Cameron’s website taking a quiz about whether or not we were damned to hell. Basically it was questions like “Have you ever found another person attractive? Yes? Well TO HELL WITH YOU!”
http://www.areyouagoodperson.org/
see you there
This is EXACTLY it! I like that he’s like “All commandments are equal in the eyes of God” and then two seconds later he’s like “The first, and most important, commandment…”
Oh, Kirk, you silly bastard.
(found it on the Daily What)
I want to hug that one.
The Mayans are going to feel pretty stupid when the world ends BEFORE 2012. Stupid Mayans.
In the next to last paragraph Gabe says Saturday is May 22 but in fact it is May 21. Look at the genius calling the brainiac a smarty pants
On the Gabeorean Calendar Saturday is the 22nd
How’s your brother Muff doing?
From IMDb’s “Memorable quotes for Growing Pains”:
Richard ‘Boner’ Stabone: Mike, a voice just came out of the radiator and it sounded a lot like God
[referring to handyman working in the basement]
Mike: No, Boner, that’s Jimmy
Richard ‘Boner’ Stabone: You call Him Jimmy?
Richard ‘Boner’ Stabone: [later]
[walks downstairs angrily]
Richard ‘Boner’ Stabone: Okay, what in the name of Jimmy is going on down here?
I really hope the Rapture are playing a concert on Saturday, otherwise they’re really missing a great opportunity.
BNPG #RaptureMovies:
Judgement Day Dredd
I’m Not Rapture-aport
Any Given Judgement Day
Guys, this has nothing to do with this post, but I must share:
http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/2011/05/dunsts-finest-role.html
Kirsten Dunst gifs of her reacting to Lars Von Trier’s Hitler comments. Brilliant.
I hope this works:
http://fourfour.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451b8c369e201543267494a970c-800wi
Shoot.
P.s. Courtesy to Huckabeast for posting on his Tumblr.
*of
what is up with me today? grumble grumble
This is the last time I’m going to reply to myself.
Are you sure? How about one more =)
Relax baby, it’s modern times.