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Last month, when Gwyneth Paltrow unhumblebragged about her extensive knowledge of rap lyrics, including a complete knowledge of N.W.A.’s “Straight Outta Compton,” amidst the jokes about this new factoid’s utter perfectness in the glass-doored curio cabinet that are this completely un-self-aware Hollywood Princesses’s own quotes about herself, at no point did anyone suggest that she actually PROVE IT. I’m pretty sure we were all happy to leave that one alone. People who play with asking fire to prove it are going to get a horrible fake rap burn. (That worked. The Good Metaphor Police are just staring at their phones waiting for a call, but it is QUIET out there tonight!) No one wanted that, obviously. No one except Graham Fucking Norton, who got her to rap on his talk show. Thanks a lot Graham Norton. You are like the kid who gets the field trip canceled for everybody. You’re eating lunch alone for the rest of the year.
After the jump, Gywneth Paltrow rapping NWA, obviously. (It begins at the 6:20 mark, AFTER she offers everyone some fucking vegetarian paella):
Oh, Gwyneth Paltrow. Just because haters are gonna hate doesn’t mean YOU have to keep doing what YOU’RE doing. (Via Vulture.)
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If Ice Cube had any dignity left, he’d be disgusted.
Are We There Yet? Oh, sorry. I wasn’t citing an Ice Cube movie, but merely asking society if we’ve finally hit rock bottom.
We still have to chew our food so not quite there yet, when I can eat steak through a straw that’s when we all just sit in our boats and wait for the earth to flood
Magic Bullett could do that for you. Oh crap. If anyone needs me I’ll be over here wearing my water wings and waiting for the floods.
If he’s out of dignity what the hell does he keep selling?!
I feel like you were uncharacteristically kind of nice to Gwyneth, I’m worried about Gabe you guys, and Gwyneth too
#paltrowraps
Straight Outta an Elite Townhouse in the Upper East Side
Monster
Gwynnie owns the block
All of the Light from My Vintage Tiffany Lamps
Just waking up in the morning gotta thank Me
Call my agent, got another shot on Glee
The system works fine
On Goop, time to opine
We ain’t got no one to schmooze motha fucka, we rollin’
Motha fucka
We rollin’
With some light-skinned girls
Cleanin’ up our toilets
Love the Way You Lie ft. Jay-Z
memory lane (sittin’ in da gazebo)
The Chronic Insufferability
Rolls Roycin’ with My Homies
99 Problems (That can prevent you from having the most divine dinner party)
Damn It Feels Good to Be Wildly Over-privileged
911 is a Really Useful Service for People Without Personal Security
Sipping on Vitamin Water and Acai Smoothies.
Hug the Police
“The fuck?”
“Don’t worry, she’s cool, bro.”
She grew up in the same neighborhood as Jeremy Piven.
Jeremy Piven was her best friend, because compared to him she’s the coolest most pleasant person ever
I thought the rapture wasn’t till Saturday?
Eazy-E really lucked out by dying 15 years before this clip.
Yo
My names G-Pawlt
And I’m here to say
I hope you buy
An expensive lavendar sashay
A rip rap rippity roooooo
Notorious
White
Asshole
Coldplay Rules Everything Around Me (dolla dolla bills yo)
I actually like Graham Norton. This saddens me.
In hell this is the only thing on TV.
I’m glad she remembered the correct lyrics.
When we hang out, she raps it: “(I’m getting) Straight outta Compton to a sprawling mansion in the suburbs where there aren’t poor people who don’t want to eat my gross paella.”
You know she totally drops the n-bomb when she’s not on TV
I don’t know if this is real or if my mind is playing tricks on me.
(i’m more of a geto boys fan)
“Kirk Cameron is right…there is an afterlife and I’m in Hell”–Geoffrey Rush clapping
I was feeling that too, he is a gracious man for pandering to that mess.
Shameless self-promotion: http://dannyandgwyneth.wordpress.com
I eagerly await the rapture on Saturday, so all this Gwyneth nonsense can just STOP.
You sir, are a genius!
Excellent. This belongs at http://www.mobfd.biz/
As bad as that was, immediately cutting off her interview so they could shower Lady Gaga with praise about how YOUNG and TALENTED and POWERFUL she was while Gwyneth sat beside her completely ignored was all kinds of beautiful
Shit. I already used my Mr. Show rap gif. This is huge too. Drat.
Oh, man, this morning in the shower I actually wrote a rap with Gwenyth IN IT, about having a dream where I’m a Hollywood Mogul:
My first morning meeting was a late lunch
Nobody had had breakfast so we called it BRUNCH
I was remaking the Breakfast Club with Alia Shawkat
We agreed that Ally Sheedy was like a backwards She’s All That
She asked, do you have a girl?
I said, do you have a man,
She nodded to her left and there was my friend Dan
I was like, Dan, holy shit, how’d you bag the Kat?
He said, Silencio por favor, yo soy el Bat
All of a sudden he was Mexican Batman,
I was so confused I started shining like Scatman
Scatman Crothers,
Smothers Brothers,
so we all had waffles like Suzanne Somers.
All of my brandy was V.S.O.P., and
We made all the waffles from re-ci-pes
From Sophie Dahl, and Gwenyth Paltrow
And then Gwenyth agreed to sing the outro
and then there’s an outro of her wailing “HOLLYWOOD DREAAAAAMSSSS”
Haha I aggressively spell her name wrong.
I get that the vgum thing is to hate on GP. but……. every time I see her, I kind of love her more. I’m a fairly privileged white person and I grew up loving NWA. Does that make me an asshole? Paella with the forethought not to put seafood in it as it’d be in a car then under stage lights? Yes, please.
Everything REALLY comes into focus when Lady GG steps on stage, however. Let us stop hating on GP if we refuse to call LGG out for letting “it’s a young irish designer named Circa OReily” fall out of her mouth.
TEAM GWENYTH! (and team NWA)
I sort of feel that way myself. I mean, I’m not in love with her, but there she is genuinely rapping a famous gangsta rap song that it wouldn’t be surprising she’d grow up loving. I’m sure that growing up in a privileged family would bring about a strong desire to rebel, and what better venue than gangsta rap music.
She might have no understanding of what it’s like to be a genuine person or experience discomfort, but at least this one thing is real.
I’ve gotten a little more on board with her after cooking, like, 15 of her recipes, actually. She actually seems really genuine. Just very, very, very unselfaware, a word that needed to be invented to describe her.
But THEN I hear this quote of hers today, and I realize I will never love her:
“I literally do not have time to bathe let alone start a magazine.”
HAHAHAHAHA. LOLing forever.
I mostly agree, except I just saw how smugsmugsmug she looks in this clip! She likes good food, but then acts like enjoying things that are tasty is some special thing that she just invented. Everybody likes good food, Gwyneth!
Though I do think she’s good at acting.
Somebody didn’t read today’s Don Gorske story – not EVERYBODY likes good food.
also, just read your Ravioli story – excellent.
I’ll admit I was smiling at portions of that. But then she basically says, unironically, that all Americans have private swimming pools and backyard rotisseries. And I *only* have a backyard rotisserie, so now I think she’s hopelessly out of touch.
Welcome to my Spice Girl Nightmare Lounge, now choke down this vegetarian paella and keep smiling. -Graham Norton
Please go to bed Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s wayyyyy past your bedtime.
I’m only a recent convert to Gwyneth hating, but this clip cemented it even BEFORE I watched the rap bit. HER FACE AT THE BEGINNING! SO SMUG! SO IMPRESSED WITH HERSELF! NOT CLASSY!
oh gabe, how i love you so much.
I am now going to make sure that the world ends on May 21st. Thanks Gabe.
She’s not even rapping “Straight out of Compton”!!! She’s rapping “Gangsta Gangsta” off the same album. Jesus, Gwyneth, get it right!
Why are her legs so shiny? I’m scared.
I love Graham Norton,
but she is so awful, I hate that she asked him to ask her about the album.