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This week is the television upfronts, when all of the major networks (and also some cable channels that WISH they were major networks) (“I’m going to shove you into your locker, cable networks” – major networks) announce their fall schedules and promote their new shows. Neat! There are lots of parties, I think? I don’t know. I’m not actually invited. When I imagine television upfront presentations, I imagine a line of chorus girls dancing in synchronicity to a song about Law & Order: SVU. And when I imagine television upfront parties I see one of those lounge singers dangling out of a giant martini glass full of bubble bath. And Jon Hamm in the corner just housing a tray of cold cuts. The whole thing has a very burlesque/cabaret vibe. In my head. Most things in my head have that vibe, actually. ANYWAY, some of the new shows already have preview videos available on-line, and some of them have made very little information available whatsoever. After the jump, a brief look at what’s up:
FOX
So, FOX has that new Steven Spielberg dinosaur show, Terra Nova. That could be cool? Or terrible? I do hope someone on that show makes “Not the mama!” jokes. Ooh, and a show called Alcatraz, developed by JJ Abrams and starring Jorge Garcia. Those guys sure love ISLANDS! There are also a couple of sitcoms, with working titles including New Girl and I Hate My Teenage Daughter. Cool titles for cool shows, I’m sure. (New Girl DOES star Zooey Deschanel, it should be noted.) At least they renewed Bob’s Burgers. The rest of Fox’s schedule will be Simon Cowell trying on shiny v-neck shirts while sad people perform monkey dances for him.
NBC
I’m not sure what it is about NBC, but despite languishing as the fourth place network for years, I’m still so much more compelled and drawn to them than the others (with the possible exception of FOX which still seems to have that same sort of punky brewster attitude it developed in the mid-1990s, despite mostly being a channel about Simon Cowell). I think it might literally be NBC’s colors. Colors are nice! Anyway, they have a new show coming out called The Playboy Club. That sounds VERY INTERESTING, right fellas?
Oh, OK. So it is a Mad Men rip-off. (Although to be fair, if you had told me a few years ago about two shows set in the glamorous life of the swinging 1960s and that one of them was about an advertising agency and the other one was about a Playboy-themed nightclub, I have a feeling I might have bet on the wrong horse.) There is also a new sitcom starring Whitney Cummings called Whitney. Here is a preview clip:
Eek! I take back all the things I said about rooting for NBC. Just kidding kind of not really. Did you know they are bumping 30 Rock to a mid-season replacement to make way for this show? Cool. Oh, but look, another new comedy called Up All Night starring Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph!
So, you win some you lose some. (Whitney is the losing some, in case I wasn’t being clear enough.) Hey, speaking of losing, there is also going to be a new sitcom based on a book by Chelsea Handler. Purrrrfect.
The only thing funnier than how that show looks (jk) is this description of new NBC drama, The Firm: “The Firm continues the story of attorney Mitchell McDeere and his family 10 years after the events of the film and novel.” Hahahah, WHAT?! No. “I always wondered what happened to that guy 10 years later,” said no one ever.
This looks kind of interesting, though:
WAIT FOR THE KICK AFTER THESE MESSAGES. Other new NBC shows include Grimm, about detectives but also fairy tales? And some other crap that will probably get canceled immediately and/or be hugely successful.
ABC
Much like NBC’s Mad Men rip-off, The Playboy Club, ABC will also rip-off Mad Men with Pan Am, about the airline during the 1960s. You know, the sad thing is that no one actually watches Mad Men. I mean, its ratings are abysmal. But obviously it is great and beloved and influential. So these new shows will come along and probably do really well and most people will never even know the difference. Oh well! (I’m sure we all feel really bad for Matthew Weiner and Jon Hamm and January Jones right now, right? Like, we are all crying, yes?)
Wait, ABC also has a new show called Once Upon a Time? Which is detectives and fairy tales? You have got to be kidding me here! Dear major television networks: one show per season about detectives and fairy tales is MORE than enough, thank you.
CBS
Haha, who cares about what CBS is up to? Seriously, that network should change its name to WERTHER’S ORIGINALS DUSTED WITH KLEENEX DUST AND LINT BROADCASTING NETWORK. They only JUST cancelled Shit My Dad Says. Like, what is even going on over there? (Oh right, like I just said, who cares.)
So that gives you a basic sense of what’s going on. For more information on next fall’s TV shows please go here, here, here, here, and here. Or google “TV upfronts”? I don’t know.
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Apparently the news I am most excited about is that ABC gave a season 2 to “Happy Endings”. I did not know that about myself, but am okay with where I am at!
And Cougartown is back.
“I think it might literally be NBC’s colors.”
I have no joke here. I just want to say that I literally had this same exact realization last Thursday and I’m kinda weirded out right now.
racists
My formative tv-noticing years were back when NBC was good. I still associate them with good shows like West Wing, Friends, ER. They’ve always seemed to be the Network For Grown-Ups (even if that isn’t really true).
Also, anyone who hires both Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are cool in my books.
There is a show by JJ Abrams and Johnathan Nolan starring Ben from LOST that got picked up, should be good. Plus they have a sit-com starring Kat Dennings, that’s a thing. Also, there is a grown-up Glee and Grimm could be either insane-terrible or insane-great.
Shit, I forgot the most exciting news of all: TWO AND A HALF MEN WITH ASHTON KUTCHTNTER! That is going to happen. Good call, television.
Is Kutcher now the Half-Man since the previous half-man is all grown up and a full-man now?
Sitcoms starring Kat Dennings are much more newsworthy than sitcoms starring Zooey Deschanel.
I wish Zooey Deschanel and Kat Dennings sitcom on I’M STOPPING RIGHT THERE.
JJ Abrams and his dummy “Mystery Box”. He never knew what he was doing because he never opened the box – or, he opened the box and lied to everyone about it. Good in theory, bad in practice – see it on TED.com. Sorry, still hostile about stupid Jears…
Didn’t they already do grown up “Glee”? Wasn’t it called “Cop Rock”?
Ed Burns (the poor man’s David Simon) is creating a new show about teachers! Seeing as how Season 4 of The Wire is one of the greatest things ever filmed, I am super excited. It will star Dr. Lawrence Jacoby’s daughter.
Teacherfriday House Upfronts: We will still be watching Bones and Psych marathons and Arrested Development on Hulu. Thank you for your kind attention.
oh i can’t wait for psych to be back.
But the most exciting news: in 2013 they’re making a “Good Omens” TV show! Let there be rejoicing. Now, if we can just get Christina Hendricks to play War…
Yay! There need to be waaaaaay more shows and movies based on Neil Gaiman books than there are currently.
2013? But we’ll all be dead by then! Oh cruel irony!!
WHAT?? Really?? That is the greatest news yet.
Related: Gaiman’s Doctor Who this weekend was, I think, a special gift to all humanity to cherish for all time. Yeah, that sounds right and not at all an exaggeration.
that was such a great episode! the Tardis/sexy was a great character. I like it when there is a fun doctor who episode.
also, next week looks scary.
Pretty sure that is an understatement actually
I regret that I have only one upvote to give.
Seriously, I’m never going to get over this episode. My sister hasn’t watched it, and it’s killing me, because I want her to understand the beauty of this episode’s existence. (I also hope this will make her read Neil Gaiman.)
I don’t watch Dr. Who but I have a friend who said, “If you didn’t tear up when she said ‘hello,’ you literally have no soul.” Is this the same episode? Maybe I should start watching!
yeah that’s the same episode
“I just wanted to say hello. Hello Doctor. It’s so very, very nice to meet you.”
teardrops from my eyessss
You forgot about The Great Lost Rewatch, dear.
So ABC is just doing Fables without paying DC for the rights?
Remember when NBC tried to do X-Men without paying Marvel for the rights?
Yata!
Only too well.
Remember when Catholicism tried to do beatification of the previous pope without paying Marvel for the look I just want to remind everyone there was a comic book about the last pope.
Wait, so are both ABC and NBC ripping off the same thing? According to Wikipedia, ABC picked up the rights to Fables for the 2009 season. Maybe they’re just getting around to it?
The sad thing about both shows is that they’ll probably suck because they’re on the networks and won’t take interesting chances so as not to offend American values or some other made up qualifier. Broadcast dramas makes me cringe!
I had written a pilot about a woman who Potatoes herself in 1960s New York while working as a cop in a gritty subdivision of the department dealing solely with dissapeared planes, but it is also a lucid dream from which we are not sure she will awaken. There were zombies, and a group of surgeons who continually had sex with one another while at their place of work. Lisa Kudrow was set to star. It seemed to have all the interesting cultural touchstones America rewards with their viewership, but I suppose something was just off, as it was clearly not picked up. I was thinking of including a few dance competitions set to songs no one has enjoyed in approximately 25 years, but we’ll just have to see. 2012, you guys. Fingers crossed.
I was really hoping this would be the year that Self-Potato Lady got her own show. A rare miss, network tv…
Signed in to tell you that this was funny, twitter friend!
Whitney looks excruciatingly awful. A laugh track in 2011, just why. It’ll be cancelled after 4 episodes.
I was going to respond by saying “every laugh track show on NBC was cancelled this year; Outsourced, Perfect Couples, Paul Reiser” then I realized that none of those shows actually had laugh tracks.
Also, was Perfect Couples actually ever officially cancelled or did it just disappear?
Did that Paul Reiser show actually air?
Why can’t the one with Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph be the one that’s on Thursday night instead of Whitney?
And the Chelsea Handler one. The laugh track is so bad it’s hard to watch!
Also the jokes are terrible, so it’s hard to watch!
I’d almost rather watch someone run their fingernails down a blackboard for 22 minutes. ALMOST.
but HIMYM has a laugh track and it’s so very great
oh. you are serious. sure. fine.
Wait, did anyone else read that 30 Rock is being moved to mid-season?? Shame one you NBC!
It’s because Tina Fey is pregnant and that gives her more time. Sensible call, NBC!
Yes I did! In this post.
I’m perfectly fine with that news especially since they finally fixed the Thursday night lineup:
8:00 Community
8:30 Parks & Rec
9:00 The Office
Drama at 10
No Horrible filler shows shoehorned in between our favorites! Hopefully, when 30 rock comes back it will just go at 9:30 and we can FINALLY have a solid two hours of great comedy.
So, If WIll Arnett is going to be on this new show, I guess he’s not taking over on the Office.
Three words about “Awake”: B. D. Wong.
…adding a forth: motherfuckers!!!
“fourth”
“Shit.”
“Shiut”
BD Wong, every time he awakes he’s a TV shrink. Next season he’s playing the third Crane brother.
I saw M Butterfly in 1990 and “BD” stands for “Big Dang”.
I’d like to lay on his couch. I’d Like to B.D. his Wong. I’d like to Special Victim his Unit.
OK I’ll stop now.
OMG, I’m really really super late to this party but I just realized that is LUCIUS MALFOY he is talking to??? WTF!?!?! OMG is it too early to set my DVR now????
It’s no wonder I always thought Kleenex smelled so delicious. Thanks Werther’s/grandma/CBS!
But what about Mr. Sunshine? Why won’t anybody tell me what’s going on with Mr. Sunshine?
I think of myself as someone who watches a fair amount of television, probably more than is necessary. In fairness, much of it is sports related. My point here is that I like to think I’m somewhat clued in to who’s who on television sitcoms, even if I don’t watch them religiously, or even at all. And it would seem to me that if you’re going to start a new sitcom the title of which is simply a person’s name, I would venture to guess it would be named after someone (or some character) who is relatively famous, or at least famous enough for someone like me to have heard of this person (e.g. “Valerie” or “Frasier” or “Mary Tyler Moore”).
My point is, who the hell is Whitney Cummings?
I think the only way you could be familiar with Whitney Cummings is if you’re still watching the Comedy Central Roasts. Although you could also know her from terrible standup. It’s basically giving Lisa Lampanelli a show(except skinnier, so, you know, better).
Am I the only one who remembers/misses the quasi music videos they would play to introduce Fall TV Lineups? WHY ISN’T THIS FORCED AWKWARD INTERACTION STILL AROUND?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfodacHBp_k
One of the conditions of the WGA settlement is that they wouldn’t have to do these anymore
Mad Men is the Velvet Underground of period dramas. Fun story: I saw Danny Strong at a bar this weekend and barely overcame my temptation to tell him he is the cure for the common actor.
Rob Thomas (of Veronica Mars, not Matchbox 20) is creating a new show, Little in Common… http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1822247/
I heard it was going to be on FOX, but I guess they might not have picked it up yet. I have such little faith in FOX but so much faith in the creator of Party Down and Veronica Mars.
Also, Kristen Bell is going to be in a new show on Showtime!
Do any of you guys watch Breaking Bad? Are you excited for the new season in July??
Oh, so Grimm is The Dresden Files. Again.