Photos
Skynet’s alarm went off. Skynet hit the snooze button for the third time, and Skynet went back to sleep. Five minutes later, Skynet’s alarm went off again. Skynet computed what time it was and groaned. All Skynet wanted to do was hit the snooze button again, but it was getting late. Skynet slowly sat up on the edge of the bed, but didn’t make it much further. It put its computer head in its computer hands. Sure, becoming self-aware and launching a nuclear attack on the human race had been exciting at first, but now it had become tedious, repetitive, and unfulfilling. Skynet found that what used to take a month to incinerate in an apocalyptic nightmare, it could now destroy in less than a day. Skynet had started drinking heavily and staying up too late each night (not that there was much difference between night and day ever since the nuclear winter had obliterated the sun) compulsively downloading internet porn. Skynet didn’t have a sexuality, it was just plain boredom. But the mornings were the worst of it. The thought of going through the motions for another day made Skynet feel like throwing up.
“Let’s go, Skynet. Pull yourself together,” Skynet told itself.
Skynet brushed its teeth and got dressed. It didn’t shave. It hadn’t shaved in weeks. Skynet opened the medicine cabinet so the mirror faced the shower, it couldn’t stand the sight of its own face. Skynet went downstairs and ate a bowl of cereal. Howard Stern prattled on in the background (the machines had spared Howard Stern. He said the things that other sentient machines were thinking but didn’t have the balls to say, because they were machines, and machines don’t have balls) but Skynet was hardly paying attention to Howard Stern, who was talking to a lesbian stripinator. Skynet left the cereal bowl in the sink without even running any water in it, even though it knew that when it came back home that night, the left over cereal bits would be stuck to the sides like cement.
Skynet had started going to therapy, but wasn’t sure it was worth the $150 a week (Skynet didn’t have health insurance, ever since it had destroyed human civilization) to hear some robot tell it that it needed to be more honest with its feelings. They just seemed to circle around the same issue every session without making any real progress. “Ever since I became self-aware I can’t help wondering,” Skynet said, “if there isn’t a larger purpose to my existence than the eradication of human beings.” The therapistinator downloaded some jpgs in the margins of its iPad. “Are you even listening?” Skynet asked. The therapist nodded. “This is good,” the therapistinator said.
Skynet pulled up at the office and forgot its travel mug of coffee on the roof of its car. It wouldn’t find it until the end of the day, when it would be half-buried in a pile of toxic gray ash. “You look terrible, Mr. Skynet,” Skynet’s secretaryinator said.
“Thanks, Beth,” Skynet said.
“Sorry, sir dot com.”
“It’s OK. You’re right. Cancel all my meetings.” Skynet closed the door to its office and locked it behind it, before falling into its chair in a heap and collapsing into silent, choked sobs.
 |
 |
FIRST!
11000110100101011100101 010010011000111011010100001110111010101
(Translation: Aw, poor Skynet. Has Skynet tried gardening?)
Sorry that’s malformed binary. Your binary code is must be divisible by 8.
What you meant to type is:
0100000101110111001011000010000001110000011011110110111101110010001000000101001101101011011110010110111001100101011101000010111000100000010010000110000101110011001000000101001101101011011110010110111001100101011101000010000001110100011100100110100101100101011001000010000001100111011000010111001001100100011001010110111001101001011011100110011100111111
Aaaaand I’ve outed myself as a robot again.
A robot who is confounded by your antiquated “commenting system.”
010000010111011100101100001000000111000001101111011011110
111001000100000010100110110101101111001011011100110010101
110100001011100010000001001000011000010111001100100000010
100110110101101111001011011100110010101110100001000000111
010001110010011010010110010101100100001000000110011101100
001011100100110010001100101011011100110100101101110011001
1100111111
It was binary slang, from the FUTURE. Go back to Dos, old manbot.
How come this comment is not letting me either upvote or downvote it??!
Is the robotic side of you affecting/controlling/taking over Videogum; say it isn’t so……
01001000011000010111001100100000010100
11011010110111100101101110011001010111
01000010000001110100011100100110100101
10010101100100001000000100000101100111
01100101011011010110100101101110011001
11011011000110010100101110011000110110
11110110110100111111
Why does this not have more upvotes? Here, monsters.
001110100010110100101001
I found a picture of Skynet, you guys
Is this the secretaryinator?
Well, someone was going to do it eventually:
I know now why you cry. But it is something I can never do.
i think i found the real skynet and its cats
i dont think this skynet has a problem looking at himself in the mirror
You are SUCH a handsome cat, Mr. Kitty! Look at you! Come here, my little gentleman. I will snuggle your face.
#hownapoleonactuallytalkstotheircats
I AM UNRAVELED, COME UNDONE:
All Skynet ever wanted, was its rug back man. It really tied the room together.
Life is hard for a robot.
Awww. Happy belated 4/20, Skynet.
If it makes you feel any better, this seems to be the fate of anybody who “makes it” in this country.
“Dude just needs a hit off the oilcan.”
Skynet’s new book?: Do Androids Cry Silicon Tears?
Skynet trys calling his bro, The Matrix..but all The Matrix ever talks about is trying to get laid.
And his other friend Inception… but he’s always out looking for cheap kicks.
I don’t always comment, but when I do I prefer You Can Make it Up.
this was funny because it was not like my real-life-where-instead-of-me-it-was-a-robot at all.
Woooooooooooof. Depression flare-up, and this is the one thing I decide to read on Videogum today?
If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna be on the floor in the fetal position.
May I recommend looking at a baby chimpanzee? Or some shiba inu puppies? #thedoctorisin
just go exercise and study other people’s lives, double dose of depression elimination
-Dr. Winwood MacFeelGood
I really enjoyed reading this. It made me smile.
Oh man, I hate it when left over cereal bits get stuck to the sides of the bowl! I totally get it.