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As by now you have most certainly heard, unless for some reason your Google Alert for “Nicolas Cage newz” is broken, in which case, please check to see that your Google Alerts for “Nicolas Cage newz” are current and operational, Nicolas Cage was arrested over the weekend on domestic assault charges. According to reports, he was drunkenly yelling at his wife on the streets of New Orleans (and possibly punching cars, you know, normal weekend stuff), at which point someone called the police (not his wife, incidentally, not sure how much that matters). They told Nicolas Cage to just go home, to which he shouted, “Why don’t you just arrest me?” So they did. That’s what happens when you shout that. Of course, the most amazing part of the story is that Nicolas Cage’s $11,000 bond was posted by DUANE “THE DOG” CHAPMAN, Bountyhunter At Law. Incredible! Oh, I hope that Nicolas Cage does not show up to his scheduled court appearance on May 31 and Duane “The Dog” Chapman, Bountyhunter at Law, has to bountyhunt him. Nicolas Cage: the most dangerous game!
Of course, throughout this whole ordeal one thing remains unknown: What was Nicolas Cage’s prison nickname? And if you point out that he was probably just kept in a holding cell, and at the most extreme, some kind of low-level county jail, but that he was never actually sent to prison, which is for convicted criminals, then you are missing the point, and YOUR prison nicknmame is Ol’ Shut Up.
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Nicolas Caged.
Bad Wig Tenant: Port of Call New Orleans
Nick In His Cage
How d’it get Banged Up.
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Oooh, provocative!!
Thanks for reminding me that I’m so old that to find a girl 12 years younger than me online, I still have to go to cougarlife.com. Jerk.
I’ve seen this here twice now. I think it’s a sign. You guys, I’m going to A’geM’ing’le.com, because if there is one thing I can say for certain is that I LOVE the idea of dating an older man.* #ladiesamirite
*hint hint Grampa Gabe
Pictured: The reaction to Cage’s arrest
What the news DIDN’T report is that it was actually Jon Travolta who was arrested. He’s trying to find out the location of a bomb from Nicolas Cage’s brother, with the help of some pretty dubious science.
I heard it was Nicolas Cage’s less talented yet more successful twin brother. Weird how rumors start.
New Orleans prisons are weird.
Also, I vote for Ole’ Beeface.
Either Vigo the Carpathian or National Treasure (because he is one).
Benjailin’ Gates in National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets.
Viggie Viggie Viggie.
Don’t you mean “Nicolas Cage: the most Bangkok Dangerous game?”
Rare miss, Gabe.
Bitch.
Season of the Bitch?
Alternatively, Fresh Fish.
The Bitch’s Apprentice.
Moonpunk
(it’s a little retro, but it’s still awesome)
CON AIR!!
“Put the bunny back…”
Conner?
9 MM. (so gangsta)
(There ain’t no) Iguana
Cue psychedelic acid montage.
Big Daddy……complete with handle bar mustache.
Big Wig
This is what happens when you celebrate Tax Day too hard.
How’d it get Spermed? Alright; too much.. I know.. Moth out.
Dirty Ears Nick.
they probably called him superman, which was an ironic nickname because he was going to play that role but then didn’t. the other criminals knew this and used that fact to torment him constantly, as he considers it his biggest missed opportunity, the metaphorical “big game” that “the coach” didn’t “put him in.”
Valley Girl
my thoughts exactly, complete with that hairdo.
or Dick-Ass.
National Treasure!
Just kidding, they called him bitch.
He didn’t stay long enough to get one because Sean Connery, who possessed an intimate knowledge of the jail helped him escape and save san francisco from a chemical weapon attack by Ed Harris.
and david morse… he was an integral part of that story line…
Captain Incarcerelli’s Mandolin
It was a butt untouched by time…
Leaving Las Sing Sing
H.I. McDonnaugh. They called him Hi.
No “Drive Angry” jokes yet?
I tried to come up with something clever, but i couldn’t…
“skull beer”?
Nick “hell and back” Cage?
Too soon.
Tasing Arizona? Anyone? Come on, it’s early!
Knickerless Cage
More like Ass-Kick.
(To steal a Kevin Smith joke) In prison, he will be the ghost that is ridden.
White Power Bill’s Apprentice
His name was Castor Troy! DUH…. oh wait, or was it Sean Archer?? dammit John Woo, im confuuuuuused!
I’m guessing, “CAGE.”
Dan Brown’s Bitch
Dan Brown Asshole
Dan “Put it in yo butt” Brown
My english teacher made it her goal, my senior year, to instill this credo of “Know your audience”.
I, like many others, came onto videogum for one obvious things: the ‘Thumbs Up’s. So, you can see i was shocked that i was getting negative points.
“Was I too offensive?”
“Are prison rape jokes really a ‘no-no’ topic?”
“I thought Dan Brown was collectively disliked by the videogum monsters”
It is only now that I’m seeing the mistake I made: Dan Brown has nothing to do with Nicolas Cage. Somewhere in my mind I confused either National Treasure and The Da Vinci Code, or Tom Hanks and Nicolas Cage. Possibly both. Anyway, I’m hoping this is the reason I’m getting points taken away, because I seriously don’t see whats so offensive about prison rape jokes. Unoriginal? maybe.
I should change my credo in life to “Know your Cultural References”
anyway, back to crying myself to sleep.
Prison Gay in 60 Seconds
I don’t know about his nickname, but I heard about some prison films he’s working on while he’s in there (BNPG? BNPG):
Leaving Ass Vegass
Ass/Off
Snake Ass
Assaptation
TresspASS
World Ass Center
(too soon?)
“i’m cameron poe.” (nicholas cage cameron poe voice)
Ya Burnt (Toast)
http://youtu.be/CyXl2RMZ0Po
Despite all his rage (which is a more than significant amount considering the purposes required of said rage), he’s still just a rat in a cage (which is a disappointing development considering the more than adequate amount of said aforementioned rage).
“Plugs”
If only he could have seen two minutes into the future, he could have seen that asking to be arrested wouldn’t turn out how he wanted
I’m pretty sure Nicolas Cage hired a surgeon to take his face/off and put it on another man’s body, and now Nic Cage is walking free and having sex with that man’s wife while that man now has Nic Cage’s face on his body, owes all that money to Dog: Bounty Hunter, and is contractually obligated to be in the sequel to The Wicker Man.
Or maybe his nickname was “Prison Nic.”
the best part about this story was that he arguing with his wife about where his house was located. pretty typical marital argument.
Panty Head
I mean Ol’ Panty Head.
There are some very, very hilarious names here, but do you all think we could stay away from prison rape jokes?
Sorry, someone said “prison” and “joke” and I guess my mind just automatically went there for some reason. (I did watch a lot of “Lockup: Raw” this weekend; that could explain it.) No offense intended!
I’m interested in hearing why you feel this way. I was trying to rationalize earlier, and the best I could come up with involved lack of creativity and the “beating of the dead horse” that are prison rape jokes. If thats the reason, I totally understand. Otherwise, I’d like to think that most(MOST) of the people that are in prison deserve to be there, and the unfortunate truth that rape and sexual abuse is prevalent within is really not that unfortunate at all because they’re, well, criminals.
I also feel this way, because rape is never funny. No, not even when criminals are victims.
“That Guy From Moonstruck”
Shmicolas Shmage.
I want to see the scene where they return his stuff and read the inventory out loud.
Officer:
One Wallet, Leather.142 dollars, cash. One belt, lizard.
Nicholas Cage: That’s alligator, chief.
Officer: Duly noted. One pack of gum, Orbit. One wig, short.
(awkward pause)
One wig, long.
Nicholas Cage: It’s my wife’s. I swear it.
Officer: Just sign the receipt.
Nicholas Cage: You have made a powerfully weird enemy today, amigo.