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Hahah. What? I’m sorry, I spaced out right after he said “Kronum is a new game.” Totally my bad. Did any of this make sense to you guys? GET IN THE FLEX ZONE! No whammies. Quidditch. I love that this is just some fucking sport. You know what I mean? Like, the cast of The League were at that bar they go to, standing around that table they always stand around, talking about how all the “regular” sports were for “grandpas” and how our generation needed something NEW. One of them pulled out a napkin and a pen, and now you’ve got a whole new sport, probably. “Are there enough goals on the stupid looking field?” “Definitely, man.” If anything, I’m worried that the game is SO easy to understand that it’s going to catch on TOO quickly, you know? Kronum (haha, also: KRONUM!) will be over before it even began. Put some sports on it! Sports. (Thanks for the tip, Casey.)
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“Great idea!” –XFL
Real men are into all sports. Gabe is mocking Kronum. Gabe is not a real man. Gabe buys and sells children. This logic is infallible.
No, just buys, and just girls. Found your flaw!
the scoring makes more sense when Dan Cortese is explaining it to you. trust me.
In Rock N’ Jock Kronum, goals are worth more in the final two min – um, innin – um, fuck it. Kronum’s not worth a sweet Rock N’ Jock joke anyway.
If you score in one of the crown rings from the cross zone in the final 2 minutes of the second period, then it’s worth 100 points.
Scoring leads to scoring.
Or snoring, in Gabe’s case.
I liked this sport better the first time when it was called soccer and rugby and football and lacrosse and basketball and dodgeball and holy shit just pick one sport and stick with it guys.
Kronum is the Girl Talk of sports.
You play Kronum like a girl!!
At first I thought you meant Girl Talk the board game and I was like YEAH!! IT SO IS! just cause I was excited.
This in turn planted the Mall Madness seed in my head. Productivity shot for the next 45 minutes, easy.
Does this mean it is the best of the sports besides whatever the Mall Madness of sports is?
No, it means it’s a lazy appropriation of what is already popular slammed together with minimal vision or creativity.
This looks an awful lot like he is motor-boating Miss Piggy…
I’m a little turned on now.
I feel old.
Enjoy your 43-Man Squamish, grandpa!
I am totally going to name my fantasy Kronum team the Kronumb-nuts.
The Kronum-bergs. League champions 2017.
“South Park did it!”
Also reminded me of Whack Bat:
Copycat.
I can’t wait to hear John Krasinski and Alec Baldwin talk about their Kronum teams.
Guys, I’m starting to think that Gabe doesn’t like sports.
Although his Hugh Jackman obsession may indicate leanings toward an appreciation of watersports.
They didn’t explain the homerun rule, where if the goalie kicks the ball out of his crease he can run around the arena, and if he tags the other three goalies and makes it back to his net before getting scored on he earns 6 points.
#forgottenkronumrules
There’s also the rule that if you stand in the center crown circle of the field (the “Excalibur”) and shout “KRONUM”, each of the nets rotates 90 degrees clockwise. If a player accidentally scores on his own net during this confusion it’s called a “kick in the dick” and that player becomes “it”.
I give it 2 weeks before there’s a Lister Kronum league.
I don’t understand how this comment has ANY upvotes.
It is a very niche reference to a stupid thing at an undergraduate residence at a University I used to go to. I suspect the internet has just decided to take pity on me.
I work for the Students’ Union, so any joke at Lister’s expense is still depressingly relevant for me and will always be upvoted. I’ll probably even upvote it again when I get home.
I like to think your comments are sometimes exclusively for my own personal amusement.
Here we call that a SKRONUM.
If the umpire yells “TV TAG!” during the second period, then before you pass or shoot the ball, you have to name a TV show. If you hesitate, fail to name a show, or repeat one that’s been said, then you are out and the other team gets 4 points. This carries on for 10 minutes or until all players are out, after which point the play returns to normal.
This is the best thing since Jai Alai!
(other than slamball, of course… it’s like NBA jam come to life, with more trampoline accidents!)
In England, they call it foot-lorry-ball.
This makes me mad. Learn to play a real sport instead of this over-complex BS. A friend of mine from a private college posted this yesterday and was like “OOOH LOL EPIC GUYZ” and i hated him. Private college kids are the worst.
How do you think that “real sports” happened?
“Over-complex”? Football, which we can agree is a “real sport,” would take an entire miniseries to explain. That only privileged college kids can play it– if that’s true– doesn’t make it a terrible game (terrible name, though, to be sure), and it certainly doesn’t make sense for you to be upset about its existence. I can see being upset that you aren’t playing it RIGHT NOW instead of being at work, but that’s about it.
Sports!
Is he drinking Odwalla?
awww, quidditch is the best nerd sport ever.
(also, spellcheck needs to acknowledge that quidditch in a word)
If it doesn’t have its shit together enough to recognize liminal, no way should it get to quidditch.
I could see this sport catching on, because the only stuff a ragtag group of kids in the neighborhood need to play it are a ball, a large goal box, a few large pieces of plastic with five identical circles in them, something to hang that plastic above the goal, and a large enough playing area to draw the 14 lines you need to differentiate the 54 types of goals.
HOTBOX!!!
Basically, there’s three grabbers, three taggers, five twig runners, and a player at Whackbat. Center tagger lights a pine cone and chucks it over the basket and the whack-batter tries to hit the cedar stick off the cross rock. Then the twig runners dash back and forth until the pine cone burns out and the umpire calls hotbox. Finally, you count up however many score-downs it adds up to and divide that by nine.
Speaking of … Unless I’m crazy has VG put a moratorium on Norm MacDonald posts? I liked his new show because he is the best, despite my lack of interest in sports in general. And his recent special was transcendentally hilarious. Like, one of the best things I’ve ever seen.
Gabe’s love of Norm MacDonald is rendered neutral by his hatred of sports.
Norm’s “Which Guy Doing the Dougie Gets Hit By An Ice Cream Truck?” bit was maybe the perfect Norm MacDonald moment. Seriously great to have him back on TV.
You’d think the creators of this game could have included a snitch, just throw old Loose Seal a bone.
They release an actual loose seal onto the field if the game goes into overtime.
I am starting up a Fantasy Kronum League. (Also known as Every Kronum League.)
Seriously though, LOL you guys, that goalie at 1:46 is the worst, amirite?
I definitely logged in just to upvote this.
Also, I hope this Kronum League(?) pays David Beckham $300 Bajillion dollars just to help try and draw in a bigger fanbase(any fanbase what so ever). Later realizing they made a huge mistake.
Hmmm — but I would buy a ticket to see Beckham play Kronum…
Posting sports related anything is never met well by videogum monsters. posting a madeup new sport conceived by a group of presumably drunk guys at a bar and snarky responses are going to roll in. But I will tell you one thing, I would spend a full weekend playing this thing if you were to put me on a kronum (field, circle, court?). And I would dominate.
I think there are secretly a lot of sports fans in videogum. The issue here is not that they made up a new sport (sure, whatever, Ultimate Frisbee was new at some point, too), but more that the sport they made up is stupid as crap and really difficult/expensive to execute.
No argument here. I’m sure games last forever as after every goal there is a ten minute discussion on how many points the goal was worth. But I am positive you can find a large round field with four goals with crowns on them and twenty zone markers in every urban park in America.
Okay let’s get real here. This game is completely unrealistic for anyone other than rich private school kids, right? You have to buy four goals that can only be used for this sport, you have to get a giant field that can’t easily be shared by other sports and it’s not something that kids can make a cheapo version of and play in their backyards. I somehow don’t see this catching on.
This is my sport and my girlfriend in a Kronum groupie. Boom!
Okay, this is true: When I was in 3rd grade (Hayes was President), I was reading a “scholastic magazines” and there was an article about a new sport called Hocker. Hocker was basically soccer, but on top of the goal there was a row of additional holes you could score through. The center hole was smallest and outlined in red, worth 3 points. Bigger holes flanking it were 2 points. The regular soccer goal was still 1 measely point. Hocker was invented by a Dad whose kids complained that you couldn’t use your hands in soccer — so, you could use your hands in Hocker. Also, his kids didn’t like running, so the Hocker field was shorter. There may have been extra points if you scored with your feet, I can’t remember, and there may have been a footballish “extra point” after a goal. Anyway, this made a huge impression on me (we can invent sports?!?) and while in 3rd grade I was pretty sure Hocker was dumb, I also thought maybe America would give it a try. To this day, I periodically Google “Hocker” to see if America is giving it a try.
And now it looks like the Dad who invented it must finally be smiling… well, either that or he is dead in a landfill where the Kronum thugs tossed him after stealing his idea. HOCKER4LIFE!
See, and now I googled “Hocker” so somewhere that dad is like “..the interest….it lives!”
Stupid Athletes apparently think they can just run the world and go around throwing things. Just who do they think they are?
#GAYISNOTTHEWAY.
Damn, when I saw the title for this post I thought we were taking about these guys:
Well that didn’t work
I went to Kronum.com, and they appear to have applied that classic Kronum touch to their website– simple, straightforward, not-at-all unnecessarily confusing. This is what happens when you click “Fan Base”:
A new website for the new era of modern athlete.
Holy crap I thought you were joking. I thought you just overlaid a few ridiculous websites for a joke. It turns out your post should be hash tagged #intendedtobeafactualstatement.
The Wikipedia page for Kronum is the best.
“The game was invented to be run by the people and for the people, the first sports democracy.”
Great. Yet another sport black people won’t play.
#NotIntendedToBeALegitimateSport
If anyone’s still confused, the Wikipedia page for Kronum is super helpful:
“The cross is best described as the area on the field that looks like a cross.”
I get it now!
“Ok, so then we’ll have four goals-”
“Chambers”
“What?”
“Let’s call the goals ‘chambers’”
“Why would we do that? Everyone knows what a goal is.”
“Look, this isn’t your pussy soccer anymore,bro. This is Kronum!”
it looks like soccer is going to take another step back to make room for this
Cue video of Ukranian Kronum hooligans in 3…2…1…
If I’m doing the Newtonian Physics that Ashton Kutcher taught me correctly, having four goals (chambers or whatever) means there must be an equal amount of goalkeepers (chamberzords, probably). So, each team needs to find at least two people to play the position. The biggest problem I see with the sport becoming a real thing, then, is that there just aren’t enough mothers willing to force their awkward manchild to play kronum–even if he’s just the chamberzord–so that he can meet friends/learn teamwork.
NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS
put this shit on ice and i think we’ve reeeeally got something.