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Recently, some items were stolen from the landing of my building. Namely, a pair of boots and one of those collapsible, rolling shopping carts that old ladies (and I) use for groceries. I’m not bringing this up because it is the single saddest thing in the herstory of sad things that has ever happened to a human being, but because those are absurd things to steal (My boots? My old lady cart?), and that is kind of how I feel about remakes. People, of course, will steal anything if given half the chance. And Hollywood will eventually remake your mom. From the Hollywood Reporter:
Bradley Cooper is in early negotiations to star in Relativity’s remake of The Crow, being directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo.
In the adaptation of the gritty black-and-white indie comic by artist James O’Barr, Cooper will play a rock musician who is murdered while trying to save his fiancée from thugs. He is resurrected by supernatural forces and seeks revenge. The role was originally played by Brandon Lee, who was killed by a freak accident during production in 1993.
Obviously, this is all so speculative that it’s barely even worth talking about. Except to point out that THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. If for no other reason than making jokes about The Crow is still, 100 years later, a hilarious thing to do (R.I.P. Brandon). And if this project goes through, then that will all be ruined. They’ll have to digitally remove the part where Rainn Wilson cites it has all three of his desert island movies on The Office, like when they had to digitally remove the World Trade Center from the background of the funeral scene in Zoolander. (That still makes me laugh more than most things. Thank goodness Zoolander did that and HEALED AMERICA.) Don’t do this, Hollywood. THINK OF ALL THE PRECIOUS BABY THE CROW JOKES THAT HAVE YET TO BE BORN!
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What a MURDERously bad idea, amirite?
I don’t know, Hollywood is raven about Bradley Cooper at the moment…
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Wait, you and your boyfriend both love puns relating to early-90s movies? You know, if that is the case, I might do all right at this A’geM’ing’le, even if the spelling makes it seem like some sort of unholy Eldritch Abomination.
Actually, scratch that. I might do all right ESPECIALLY if it relates to an unholy Eldritch Abomination. Everything is coming up tables today!
It seems like you and your boyfriend agree on every single thing, and that strikes me as odd. I think I would find it boring. Sure, it’s nice to agree on a lot, but everything? If you break up, then everything ever will remind you of him, including obscure things like, as lbt says, making puns on 90s films.
Also, I guess I’m concerned as to the genuineness of the agreeing. Do you think maybe he’s just agreeing with everything you like as a way of trying to cover the age gap? When there’s an age gap, I think you’d disagree on a lot of small things, but that doesn’t take away from the love felt. What I worry about more with you is that maybe you’re letting yourself be pressured into liking everything he likes. That’s really dangerous, it isolates you.
Just be careful out there.
Find a warm place to die.
Real men bathe with their feet on the outside of the tub.
The funny thing is, those aren’t his legs.
Gene Wilder knows what you’re talking about…Does anybody else think that the wall behind him looks like a floor, and the floor looks like a wall? Perspective! Bradley Cooper, bringing all the big existential questions.
Looks like that old Glory Hole Lodge
How dare you talk about remaking my mom, Hollywood. I will MESS YOU UP for saying such things about a beautiful woman!
Of course Gabe shops with a grandma cart! #old.
I mean, how do you remake The Crow and not put Russell Brand in it? It’s going to be terrible anyway, might as well save some money on makeup and costume design by hiring someone who already tries to look like The Crow. Art imitating life imitating art imitating ugh.
Let’s Hope, huh?
But is he hot enough?
That dude has a chin implant. (-40) Real Cool Dood points
“…a rock musician who is murdered while trying to save his fiancée from thugs. He is resurrected by supernatural forces and seeks revenge.”
That’s what The Crow is? I never read the comics and never saw the Brandon Lee movie, so this is the first time I’m hearing this. That’s like, Nic Cage ridiculous.
Dislike! That was not supposed to be a reply to DS3M.
“…a rock musician who’s Chin is murdered while trying to save his fiancée from thugs. His Chin is resurrected by supernatural forces and seeks revenge.”
That’s what The Chin is? I never read the comics and never saw the Bradley “Chinplant” Cooper movie, so this is the first time I’m hearing this. That’s like, Nic Chin ridiculous.
What’s really Nic Cage ridiculous is his spin-off of The Crow sequel, City of Angels. He does come back from the dead in it, but only to bang Meg Ryan, who dies anyway. And it forgoes any Hole covers of Fleetwood Mac classics in favor of Goo Goo Dolls. So many levels of confusing.
But, but,
Less Nic Cage,
more
Nick Cave
I would totally watch a Nic Cage remake of The Crow. But is there any plot scenario he needs to explain out loud very slowly about 8 minutes into the movie? Because that’s the only way I learn what happens in movies. I wonder if he could offer that service for all movies. Like it’s a special DVD option where you click on a button and a little Nic Cage is there in a leather duster, telling you EXACTLY what you need to know.
My friends band are called Crows and are pretty damn good and my housemate and myself are releasing their stuff on our record label, Howl Club.
SHAMELESSLY HIPSTER SELF PLUG ONLY TANGIBLY ASSOCIATED WITH THE SUBJECT = Mission Accomplished…..
Do they ever count and/or are they black?
Hey you guys THEY’RE REMAKING THE CROW!!!!
with Bradley Cooper
Forget Bradley Cooper. All I could thing about while reading this was how much it would suck if someone stole my old lady grocery cart.
Me + My Grocery Cart = BFF, you guys.
Bradley Cooper taking a well deserved break on the set of a Cialis commercial.
Why are they always in separate bathtubs?!
You don’t want to SHARE an outside bathtub. Then you would just be crazy people.
Can’t they just combine The Crow and The A-Team sequel? That way we can finally settle this “worst movie of all time” situation.
The Craw Team
It can’t rain Crow jokes all the time.
http://gifsoup.com/MjMyNzYwMg
If possible, you’d have a million upvotes from me. In high school, my best friend and I often repeated “It can’t rain all the time” and “Eric?” to each other without any regard for context.
You and me both! It all started when my friend would say it then mock push off on an imaginary skateboard.
I am against this, if for no other reason than 7th grade lilbobbytables loved this movie. It would be like a punch to my adolescence.
Then again, I was an asshole as an adolescent. So maybe it should be done? I am not sure. I am too distracted by the fact that apparently Bradley Cooper is not sure how to use a bathtub. But he seems so happy! I can’t ruin his happy bubble!
What we learned from this post is don’t leave your childhood favorite movies lying around so that other people can remake them.
11th grade kittensmash had pictures of Brandon Lee all over her wall. Not creepy at all.
I think we all loved this movie. I mean, I still enjoy the movie itself, even if the movements around the movie got a bit ridiculous. Is that ok to say that? C’mon, it has Ernie Hudson!
Also, the story of the creation of the comic book is actually really sad and moving, and makes the whole premise a lot more acceptable than if it was put together by a bunch of executives.
I have a feeling the bigger tragedy will be what they do to the soundtrack.
Who will play For Love Not Lisa????
i listened to that soundtrack over and over and over again. and honestly, i really only liked a couple of the songs on there.
i distinctly remember playing a lot of tetris to that soundtrack.
I originally heard that Nick Cave was writing the remake and Mark Wahlberg was going to star. I think Bradley Cooper is miscast. What is with the idea that Bradley Cooper can play any role. What is Todd Philips going to remake “Hated” with Bradley Cooper playing G.G. Allin? Jeesh…
Coming next spring – Bradley Cooper IS Gomer Pyle
“A travesty against man and god” – Roger Ebert
I think the only bird-related movie starring Bradley Cooper should be “The Emu”. The resemblance is uncanny:
He’ll probably work his way up to it. He’ll start with the Crow, then he’ll play the Penguin in the next Batman film, THEN he’ll play the Emu.
Why wait? It’s the role he was born to play. (Born into a family of emus.)
Opening narration to “The Crow.”
I was raised a poor emo child.
Opening narration to “The Emu”
I was raised a poor emu child.
???
Dwight Schrute is psyched.
I think of this every time I see Bradley “Coopie” Cooper (skip the first minute)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNBWLFZfxTM
I honestly misread the excerpt the first time around, and thought for a second that Cooper will be trying to save his fiancée from “hugs.”
Why the hell is he posing like this in the bathtub…..
NutraSlim