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Most people, when they get their weekly email newsletter from Gwyneth Paltrow explaining where to find the best pewter sink fixtures for the guest bathroom at your French estate probably think to themselves, “now if only this was printed on paper.” Well, THINK NO MORE! From the New York Post (via Dlisted):
Academy Award-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow has been remaking herself in recent years as a food expert with strong ties to celebrity chef Mario Batali — and now, according to a reliable source, she is trying to expand her empire outside of the Hollywood realm with a magazine project.
One source insisted Hearst — which has a hit on its hands with the Food Network Magazine and which helped turn Oprah Winfrey’s celebrity buzz into O, the Oprah Magazine, now the second most profitable magazine in the entire company after Cosmopolitan, is intrigued.
“It’s a super-secret project,” said one source. Hearst is insisting speculation is not true.
“Neat magazine and well worth it!” — trees.
Between this, Goop, her wonderful movies, and her important record deal, Gwyneth is become a real media powerhouse. She’s a quadruple threat! DEFCON BARF!
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Is one of us gonna tell her this won’t help her get her EGOT in 2012?
It could get her an EPGOT
Emmy, Pulitzer, Grammy, Oscar, Tony, Magic Kingdom
I always thought she’d be more at home in C-Word. I mean, Sea World.
Gwyneth is pretty at home aboard her yacht, the Seaward.
She couldn’t handle it.
Michael: Gob, get the ‘Seaward’ out of here.
Lucille: I’ll leave when I’m good and ready.
I can’t wait ’till her kids are old enough to be off to college so she won’t have to look for excuses to not be home anymore.
Unsubscribe.
Thankfully the magazine industry is booming
I bet it’s a reasonable $1000 an issue.
Deploying adorable gif’s! GO!!
“Ummm… let’s see. Give a copy of Juggs. That copy of Penthouse. Is that the new Barely Legal? Yup, give that to me. Umm… the latest Swank. *under breath* ThenewestcopyofGOOP *under breath* aaaaaaand that copy of Hustler. Thanks.”
You know that annoying thing where you open a magazine and one of those stupid little subscription cards flies out onto the floor?
“Goop” the magazine will have DOZENS of those per issue.
Will it have a section of classifieds featuring summer and winter homes for rental? It’s just that these kids drive me crazy sometimes and I feel I should get away to give my nanny all the space she needs so she can raise them properly.
You know, she needs to stop throwing that “Academy Award winner” bullshit around, because we all know she probably shouldn’t have it. No I haven’t seen “Shakespeare in Love,” why do you ask?
do magazines ever get delivered in clear plastic bags? to protect them from rain and to double as barf depositories? is the medical community at all concerned with the heightened level of stress and vomit in any doctors’ waiting rooms keeping this shitstorm in stock?
what a bitch.
In other news, as part of her recent record deal, she will be releasing her new material directly to 8-track.
SAD TRUTH: I need a new job so badly I would apply to work for Goop. Imagine all the videogum scoops if I did get that job.
maybe you could earn her trust and then DESTROY HER FROM THE INSIDE!
or y’know. get me a signed picture. it must say “You are my everything, Gabe! &hearts Gwenny”
damn… &hearts PLUS ; equals ♥ #fail
A SUPER-SECRET PROJECT! Where is my decoder ring?
…
Wait a second. I see what they are doing. Playing on my love of mystery and all.
Perhaps GOOP can be the Lost of magazines, except awful from the start.
The project’s name? Donna Darko.
I have to say, “‘Neat magazine, and well worth it’ – trees” made me laugh really hard.
“It’s a super secret project.” said one source (who looked surprisingly like Gwyneth Paltrow)
Has anyone taken the time to TELL her that she is awful? I’m sure if you explained it to her she would apologize and go away forever.
I hope she spells everything in British English with extra u’s and such. It’s classy touches like that and tips on how to keep my knickers fresh with home grown organic lavender picked daily by my gardeners at my country estate in Lake Country that had me calling Hearst to pre-subscribe for this the second the word got out.
“Rosebud” – William Randolph Hearst while rolling in his grave, probably.
I didn’t have time to read the article so you guys are going to have to help me out, is her magazine explicitly about vaginal discharge? Or does it cover stuff like puss-filled abscesses too?
Man, she’s really embracing this heel turn. Next she’s going to come out, unannounced, and going to attack a dazed Rock’s recently injured knee with a steel chair. NOW SOMEONE STOP THE GOD DAMN MATCH!!
Cosmopolitan is the most profitable magazine? That’s it, I’m moving to Mars.
I can’t wait to not read this at the gyno’s office.
The Fishmonger of the Month fold-out is going to be hot.
I welcome GOOP with open heart, hands, and handbag. There are not enough magazines telling us how we don’t have enough things (and we’re using them all wrong anyway); that eating a bag of Cheezee Puffs will make us hugely fat (and also give us cancer, which is a bad look this season); that gives us 101 ways to work off Cheezee Puffs (but only if we agree to drink the health water hand-squeezed from sherpas).
TEAM GOOP.