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After last week’s elimination ceremony in which Mystery told Alex that he was “not ready for this,” we find the boys morose and near tears because they all thought that he was talking about them. Enjoy this last moment of humanity everyone. Because the truth is, NO ONE IS OR SHOULD BE READY FOR THIS. The deconstruction of basic human interaction into a series of dehumanized gaming rules so that you can substitute emotion and intellectual engagement with complex strategies and casual sex is +/- 3 Sadness Points. In just a matter of weeks, these men will have fully transformed into their insufferable, boa-wearing, pierced avatars, referring to a call home to their parents as “opening a two set,” and discovering that self-esteem is a role playing game. But for now, they are still people.
It’s time for the first challenge. In the parking lot of a strip club, Mystery explains that they’re going to have to go inside and charm some ladies, and that whoever does the best is going to win “a secret accessory” from his “private collection” and “lessons on how to use this accessory.” There must be so many barely contained laughs on the cutting room floor of this show because no matter how badly you want to get over your inability to fuck stupid people you just met, that is ridiculous. The boys are in for a real surprise when they walk in and it’s ALL SENIOR CITIZENS. Wanh-wanh-wanh. It makes sense that they wouldn’t have seen it coming, too, because most strip clubs have the words “Bingo Parlor” written on the door as a goof. Anyway. Most of the boys stick to pretty standard casual conversation, although even that is difficult for some of them.
Um, it’s true that old people do have great stories, but they’re also not retarded. In the end, Matt wins, so I guess all that time he spent visiting his “Bubbeh” in the nursing home has finally paid off. She would be so proud.
This brings us to what is always the best part of this entire show: Mystery’s lessons. Imagine a Dungeons and Dragons “Dungeon Master” laying out the rules of the quest. Just imagine that. Because it’s that. Not metaphorically or anything. Dude’s a Dungeon Master.
These guys are going to be drowning in Orc pussy! Seriously, though, Mystery? Still with the “did you see the fight outside?” opener? Can’t get a new opener? Simeon, the guy who says that he was just given the secrets of the universe, should have seriously watched Season 1. Because the secrets have clearly not been changed. And I would feel really bad when Greg says that he just learned that he’s been standing wrong for 26 years but WHOOPS, I can’t feel bad for him because I just killed myself. Meanwhile, Matador is king worst of worst mountain.
Meanwhile, Mystery gives Matt his secret accessory which is a…BOA. What could the lesson on using a boa possibly be? “Try not to die of embarrassment from wearing the boa.” “When you walk up to a girl, try to make sure she doesn’t see that you’re wearing a boa.” “Take off the boa.” So now the boys are armed with their inane stories and their boas, and it’s time to incessantly practice before going to the bar.
So how did it go?
Ouch. Brian, the Spazzmanian Devil, wins, and another part of the show that I had forgotten about from last season is that not only is he safe from elimination, but he gets to pick two WINGMEN to save from elimination with him. Man, this show is perfect. But the pressure of selecting his wingmen almost proves too much for Brian because he considers everyone in the house “like [his] family,” which he compares to “hair on [his] butt.” What? I hope he can use his newfound people skills to keep from getting harassed in METAPHOR JAIL. Anyway, Brian can’t make a decision because he loves everyone so much, but then also he makes a decision. Mystery introduces the seven amulets of power.
Perfect. Seven amulets to rule them all.
Also, I know that it’s already well-tread territory to question and ridicule Mystery for his fashion choices because rarely do you see a grown man dressed like such a garbage clown outside of the German Performance Art community, but during the elimination ceremony, he really outdid himself.
Even Matador’s butter-leather goat vest was like “oh snap!”
In the end, it was the cuss-mouthed young Kevin who was eliminated. He takes it kind of hard (that’s what she said).
And even though he’s only the second person to go, the sepia-toned montage of how far he’s come was kind of stunning and horrific.
He was so unassuming and sweetly nerdy at the beginning, and now he’s just a nightmare. Hopefully he can take his head back to the store where they ruined it and get a refund.
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Captain Obvious here, but I highly doubt these guys will find a mutually fulfilling relationship with these bar chicks. Sending them to a function with girls who share their nerdy interests would be cool (girls like this do exist, but in small numbers I would guess). Course it wouldn’t be good vh1 reality tv, but they could air it on one of those tech channels so nerds everywhere could watch and benefit.
And this may have been said, but I always thought Cosmo was faking it (his initial ineptitude).
Silly Gabe! You can’t have seven amulets that rule all the other amulets. Everyone would rule over eachother; there would be no one with ultimate power.
That’s not how Sauron rolls!
One of the amulets has to be extra special- I’m guessing it’s the
gi-normous one in the middle- with the rune that looks like spread legs-that ’s the one to rule them all!
gabe – did you shove in the “lady pull my finger” at the end of the rehearsing the lines video? cause i hope not, it would be amazing if he kept practicing that. way to copy the hills
Unedited.
I think they need to make The PickUp Artist an animated series, a la Pokemon or Naruto.
the boa was both horrifying and hilarious. I think the best part was at the club when a girl grabbed it and wanted to wear it and Matt said, “I think it looks better on me.”
mystery should stop sending these guys into the shallow, empty hell that is barlife and introduce them to real girls who would appreciate them for who they are. hell, *i* would give them a chance… but not if they were “negging” me and whatever other stupid bullshit mystery makes them believe they need to do. mystery should go to jail for trying to transform these perfectly fine, sweet guys into yet more gross assholes who will treat me like a “target” rather than a human being.
This show is getting fucking ridiculous. I don’t know if anyone else read lord of the fly’s in high school, but its like this show is like a modern day urban reenactment. Mystery is Jack and all of the contestants are Piggy and we all know what happens to Piggy at the end. He gets crushed by a big rock.
While this is no doubt a hilarious post, I think that the show can be defended on some grounds. Sure, you may find the nerdier versions of these guys more interesting/sweet/real, but the fact of the matter is that WOMEN DON’T WANT TO BE WITH THEM. As a guy, I can say if I were still a virgin past the age of 20, that is all that I would be able to think about, and it would be a crippling emotional crisis. While these women are clearly drunken idiots, the point is that these guys need some female attention. FURTHERMORE, they are not going to be able to develop a real relationship with a girl more suited to them until: 1. They can talk to a woman without pissing themselves, and 2. They see the possibility that someone might find them attractive. Remember that line from Ferris Bueller about Cameron doomed to a life a misery because he’s going to marry the first girl he sleeps with? Well, these guys can’t even aspire to that level of misery without having sex. Now, while the show certainly may be somewhat fake, consider that one of these men claims to have never kissed a woman. Seriously, think about how truly messed that is. So Mystery is ridiculous, but maybe he has a point somewhere underneath that Jamiroquai hat.
I was a CS major and I’ve spent a lot of time with guys like this, guys over 20 who have never kissed a girl and whose hands shook while informing me of this at a very close range during group work. There are more girls getting into math and science fields (ew I just did a lame PSA) and I’d be willing to bet that those nerdy girls are going to be nicer about EVERYTHING than bar girls, and will probably respond differently to the boa- and the neg-training. I know the bar girls are easier to find, but they’re usually so mean if they’re not attracted to a guy at the bar who tries to start a conversation.
I agree with you that the show does seem to have a positive effect on the confidence of most of the guys. I actually think it’s true that the whole “being-a-dick” thing works on a lot of bar girls. But I think the nerdy girls that they’re more compatible with would probably get sad if a guy tried to neg them. I wish the show would teach them how to talk to chicks they would be with, instead of chicks to bang.
Unless the point is to get them to lose their virginity and have a bunch of sex, which is why the show is called “The Pick Up Artist 2″, so nevermind.
The producers of this show must be tossed into furnace beneath Mount Whoops, the fiery pitch from whence they came, for only there can they be unmade.
Send these poor souls to a video game convention. Socially inepts guys need socially inept girls not vaccuous bar sluts.
Um, Gabe, what about FTC? Did you miss that? “When you open a set, it’s important to cite an FTC or ‘False Time Constraint’, like, ‘Hey, I can only horrify you with my completely inept social skills for a second, ’cause I have to get back to my buddies.’”
i wish they did this for women. i need some new lines. pull my finger is used too much in my book.
Hey randi, me too. But not in the bar scene where you have to approach a “set”, because all a girl has to do is walk up and say, “ERRRR,” and the guys take over. I’m talking like in a normal grocery-store setting. You know, to encourage the middle-aged, shy, lonely, any-aged really chick. Sorta like Pick Up Artist but without that title and without Mystery.
I’ve got some ideas and I considered recording some real-life attempts for a new project. Plus Dammit I wanna try my “Hey, do you like Italian food?” line on someone IRL. Maybe you can try that one instead of pull my finger, but it helps to have the confidence of Katherine Zeta Jones (who orig pulled it off with great finesses in the abomination known as “The Terminal”).
Here are some pick up artist secrets by Mystery http://www.pickupartistvideos.com/Mystery and the cool thing is he shows guys how to use the Mystery method to become perfect pick up artists