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Two of our writers decided to write reviews of every movie opening this weekend. Unfortunately, since they had no access to advance screenings (forgot to RSVP!), they were forced to base their reviews on titles alone.
PAUL
WENDY: I’m guessing this is a movie about a guy named Paul, probably played by Adam Sandler. He works as a baker in a donut shop and it’s boring, and his wife Paula hates him and spends all her time staring out the window at their neighbor Rick. Paul and his wife Paula get into an argument during a thunderstorm, and Paul flees to his donut shop where he falls asleep in a vat of donut dough. As he sleeps, the shop is struck by lightning, and Paul wakes up and discovers that anything he bakes turns real. So he bakes himself a sexy new girlfriend, some cool buddies, a motorcycle, some neat jeans and a million dollar bill. But then he goes mad with power and bakes himself a bunch of weapons and a rocket ship and a polar bear who obeys his commands and bites Rick, and everyone’s like, “Hey, Paul, chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllll out.” I loved it. Lizzie?
LIZZIE: Hmm, I’m pretty sure this is a movie about a woman named Paula who wants to become a journalist at her high school, but she’s cursed with a pretty face and a killer bod. So in order to be taken seriously, she goes undercover as a boy named “Paul” at a rival high school. In the end, she is forced to show her boobs at the new school’s prom in order to prove her womanhood. Unfortunately, that is why my mom won’t let me see it.
Verdict: Boobs are gross. B-
LIMITLESS
WENDY: I think this movie might be about math. Like about the concept of limits? The guy from The Hangover is in this, so at the end, he’s like, “I know what the limit is! It’s on the roof!” Two thumbs up from me. Liz?
LIZZIE: You are half right Wendy, this movie is actually about a man who refuses to drive the speed limit. It was originally titled “Too Fast, Too Furious, Too Limitless” and it stars Paul Walker as Bradley Copper.
Verdict: I’ve never had so much fun at the movies. A+
THE LINCOLN LAWYER
WENDY: Abraham Lincoln falls asleep in a lawyer shop and when he wakes up, he can turn any baked good into a lawyer, right? Love it.
LIZZIE: Actually Wendy, the Lincoln Lawyer is about a lawyer that drives a Lincoln. He’s an elderly lawyer, but he’s still out there doing his thang!
Verdict: Completely inspiring. D
DESERT FLOWER
WENDY: At first I thought it was called “Dessert Flower,” and I was like, “Yum, I love dessert!” But no, it’s “Desert Flower.” Check please!
LIZZIE: This movie is about cacti. That’s right, ANOTHER movie about cacti. While it’s a much better story than, “The Kids are All Cactus” it still felt very familiar. Worth seeing for Cate Blanchett’s performance as a succulent/lesbian.
Verdict: Pleasantly surprised. C+
THE MUSIC NEVER STOPPED
WENDY: More like The Movie Never Stopped, right?
LIZZIE: Another great soundtrack from Zach Braff!
Verdict: Did you know that Zach Braff picked out all the music for the Garden State soundtrack? Sigh (stares longingly at a framed picture of Zach Braff). A-
WIN WIN
WENDY: A sensitive and moving portrait of a small town wrestling coach who saves the soul of an abandoned teenager and along the way saves himself. Or something. Boo.
LIZZIE: Did you guys know that Zach Braff went to college with the Cary Brothers and Joshua Radin?
Verdict: Oh, yeah. The movie was fine. F
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So, can we upvote the entire blog post?
“LIZZIE: You are half right Wendy, this movie is actually about a man who refuses to drive the speed limit”
Finally. The Sammy Hagar biopic I’ve waited my whole life to see.
Finally. The Ludacris biopic I’ve waited my whole life to see.
Actually Paul stars Kevin James as a guy who rides around on a segway so that ginger girl from Glee will buy him a cinnamon pretzel
Paul is really about Haley Joel Osment’s adoption and his search for his biological parents. He travels all around the country looking for them until he finally tracks them down living in a tricked-out Ford Aerostar van in rural Kansas. In a shocking twist ending (SPOILER ALERT), he finds out he was originally named Haley Paul Osment.
I thought it was a Paul Reiser biopic? Starring Paul Reiser.
Lizzie’s interpretation of the Lincoln Lawyer is actually the film version of my Mans biopic. It is still in the casting stages, however. SWINTON is playing hard to get. (No one can convince me that SWINTON playing Mans in my fanfic biopic of his life would be anything less than awesome. No one.)
I see you subscribe to the newsletter!
I thought Desert Flower was a Georgia O’Keefe biopic.
Nope, that movie is called “Vaguely Vaginal Looking Flower”
In Italy it’s called “Vaguely Vaginal Looking Vagina” and in Finland, it’s known as “Fun Sun Times with Blossoms.”
Not to be confused with “Fun Sun Times with Blossom,” TLC’s new reality show that follows Dr. Mayam Bialik as she opens her new Southern California dermatology clinic.
just when I thought I was gonna retire once again, I had to sign in just to upvote the shit out of these.
Worst. Cherokee. Name. Ever.
Win Win is actually the title character of a legendary kung-fu master who now drives a school bus in America to get away from his dark past. But when high school bullies, armed with the latest OCP assault weapons, start picking on the weak and nerdy, he is forced to kick all sorts of ass, save the school, and get the girl. It’s a Win Win situation.
I think this post is an example of why these lovely ladies write for a comedy show, while I am stuck reading it at a job where I am not expected to ever be funny.
Last week I made a joke that actually got me yelled at by a vice president. It is weird to have an angry VP looming over your desk yelling, “This is not your job! It makes you look bad! THIS IS NOT YOUR JOB!”
Granted, it was not my best joke. But let’s be honest, at worst it just made my job look too easy.
Just kidding! I loved it!
Boobs are gross? Counterpoint: Boobs are awesome. I think you’ll find that my logic is impeachable on this issue.
There are mountains of evidence to back up your point.
Let’s head over to the UCLA library for the verdict.
Now Frank, I don’t think you’ll find anyone here that will argue that the best boobs are totally not gross, myself included. Good boobs are a wonder to behold, something to be admired and cherished.
But not all boobs can be the best boobs, so we must explore other options. I found a different answer in the male counterpart of boobs (ok, not a literal translation, but you get the idea). So I guess my argument is: Nu-uh, not all boobs are awesome.
It’s a mammary gray are(ol)a.
Actually, I just ran across a picture of the three-breasted prostitute from “Total Recall” the other day (I was using the Internet!) and man was that stupid.
Win Win is actually an adaptation of a Vietnamese movie called Nguyễn Nguyễn.
Here is something I think about maybe twice a month:
man..i had a totally different perception of the Linkin Lawyer.
I might actually go see it now.
In the end it doesn’t even matter, because we settled out of court
every conceivable upvote.
I thought the Lincoln Lawyer was the sequel to the Rural Juror.
No, you’re thinking of “Don’t go runnin roun in the rie roe Barrister Lorry”
I hear there is an American remake with sexy teenagers in the works!
You should have quoted the entire lyric: “LAW THINGS IN MY SKIN…etc…”
Linkin Park Lyrics…
Doesn’t “Happythankyoumoreplease” open this weekend? That’s clearly the moving portrait of Koko the gorilla’s lifelong addiction to bananas, expressed to her trainer in the only manner she knows how.
No, I think the Koko the Gorilla movie is called “Hairy Reasoner But Not the Sixty Minutes Guy Look At How We Spelled ‘Hairy’ “
I thought it was about an inner city Dominican who has to deal with the perils of a keyboard with a broken space bar.
Of course Wendy loves Desserts. Who doesnt?
omg hiiiiii wendy molyneuxxxxxxx (probably the wrong letter to stress?). i think you are the best and i own your book and sometimes i quote a piece you wrote about being a billionaire when i’m staring at myself in the mirror trying to psyche myself up for something. i had a job interview today, so i said to myself “my what a lovely baby you have. i have a baby at home made entirely of 100 dollar bills, i am a billionaire.” clearly, this is a sign.
some people have caddyshack, i have a bunch of stuff you wrote for mcsweeney’s in 2005 and also that blog where you gchat with your foxnews friend.
I think “The Music Never Stopped” is based on the story of a man who watches this repeating gif for the rest of his natural life
I logged in just to say how much I enjoyed that post. Well done.
this has been the BEST post ive read today
More like Cate-tus Blancactus!
(congrats, you made it this far down the comment thread)
It’s really nice. But today I in brandbagsales.com bought a bag. Pretty cheap