Photos
1. Introduction: From nearly the moment the theater darkened, I realized that a movie about the complete destruction of a city on the Pacific Ocean was maybe not what I was in the mood for and that I had very likely made a terrible mistake.
SPOILERS AWAIT YOU!
2. Setting: I stood in line at the movie theater on Saturday afternoon. Outside, warm weather and cool air and a very clear sky. In front of me in line a father spoke Arabic to his three children. They asked for popcorn and soda in English. The two boys fidgeted and pranced. The little girl stood still with her father, her hair in braids, looking up at the young woman behind the counter taking tickets. The ticket-taker smiled at the little girl and complimented her on her tennis shoes which lit up when the little girl walked. The boys pointed at the MPAA ratings poster, at the large R and giggled. The girl held her father’s hand.
3. What Have I Done?:Can a movie be an indictment of itself? Can a movie on one hand appear to be a critique of the the military actions of the United States around the world in the past ten years and on the other plainly pander to the mindless, macho grunting that leads to such actions? Battle: Los Angeles, a film about the invasion of the Earth by some nameless alien army is a horrific mess that was very unpleasant to sit through. I should have seen Red Riding Hood. Or eaten hot knitting needles.
4. Death Wish: I chose a seat in the next to last row of the nearly empty theater. A group of three young men speaking Russian and wearing Hollister hoodies considered seats directly in front of me for a moment and then wandered off to take root closer. Their laughter rattled through the room like a cup of marbles falling over on a hardwood floor.
Seven young men from out in the county trudged up the steps and sat directly behind me in the very back of the nearly empty theater. They too laughed and punched each other. They were electric with happiness. One kicked the back of my seat the entire time, but this ended up being the best part of the movie as I could close my eyes and imagine that I was in a pick-up truck that was flipping over and over and over into a ditch.
“Soon I will be dead and this will be over.”
5. What It Means To Be A Man: Aaron Eckhart plays a rugged staff sergeant named Nantz. Handsome, square jawed, brave but with a troubled past. He’d made tough choices in Iraq, maybe the wrong choices, and men died. Don’t worry, he didn’t really make the wrong choice, but he has a tortured soul nonetheless.
He is part of a platoon that must rescue some civilians from a police station in Santa Monica during an alien invasion. The platoon is a pan-ethnic group of brave and noble men. African American and White and Latino. A young medical student from Nigeria hoping to gain citizenship and a hayseed from the South and a virgin. Over the course of two hours, the Marines rescue civilians, save the world and die heroic deaths, just as real men are supposed to do.
Dear God, it is dreary to watch perfect people always being perfect. With the exception of a momentary freak-out by the platoon’s lieutenant, played by Ramon Rodriguez, every single character acts brave and confident and self-sacrificing at all times. The lieutenant, who betrayed the movie’s one fleeting moment of true humanity, makes up for it by heroically (and unnecessarily) blowing himself up.
This is what it means to be a MAN. If you are not strong and stoic and unrelentingly willing to fight, you are not one. Sorry.
6. NO NO NO: At one point, Michelle Rodriguez shoots an alien in the head. The creature explodes in a messy burst in her face. She says something along the lines of “Gross, I got this nasty goo in my mouth.” The Marine with her says, “You let them do that on the first date?”
This movie is rated PG-13. There were three children in the audience with their father.
7. What It Means To Be A Woman: Michelle Rodriguez is the one woman in the platoon. She is a communications officer, but figures out how to fire a gun because WAR. The price of admission to being part of the club of brave heroes saving the world is to have her face ejaculated on and then to be called a slut.
The other women in the movie are wives at home, pregnant with the brave children of honorable men, or fiancees who want to spend $300 extra on flowers for the wedding, dragging her husband-to-be around town and making him look at cakes while his friends laugh. Doesn’t she know: Men don’t look at cakes; Men eat them. Men eat cakes whole, in one bite while protecting this land and saving children and emoting stoically.
The only other woman with a name is a veterinarian, a civilian survivor played by Bridget Moynahan. She cares for the children that the platoon finds: two little girls who are always screaming (their only lines) and a young boy whose father dies. The boy takes the loss of his father, who died bravely, with a few tears but mostly just dignity and courage. Moynahan is immediately attracted to Eckhart and she flirts with him shamelessly while he is trying to save everyone. She squeezes his hand. Watch out for those children, veterinarian! The planet must be saved.
In this world, the place for men and the place for women is perfectly delineated: Women plan marriages, have babies, care for those children and yearn for men to save them. Men save the world and put up with women’s frivolity. If a woman seeks to enter the sphere of man, she must be debased and ridiculed and also be Michelle Rodriguez.
8. It Only Appears To Be A Digression: In high school, after PE, I never showered. I was too nervous to take off all of my clothes in front of the other boys, all football players and basketball players or stoners who wore green tiger print briefs.
One day, there were several people in the shower horsing around loudly after class and I looked to see what was happening. “What are you looking at? Are you a fag?” one asked. I said I wasn’t, but he continued to ask me about my sexuality nonetheless. Finally, he proposed a fight.
“Come on. Let’s fight.” I told him I’d rather not and I left the locker room. He followed me out and started to push me and beg me to fight him.
Our PE teacher, the head coach of the football team, was there and said, “Settle down,” but the boy kept pushing men and eventually knocked me down and put me in a headlock. “Come on, fight me. Come on,” he yelled and the football coach said, “Come on. Fight him. Be a man.”
“No.”
Eventually, the boy got bored with me holding still and not fighting and the bell for lunch rang and he let me go.
9. On How To Kill That Which Is Not You: The film begins with what appear to be parallels with the American invasion of Iraq. At one point, someone on CNN discusses how the aliens are eradicating humanity so as to colonize the Earth and take its resources. Eckhart wants to retire from the services after a disastrous tour in Iraq. Perhaps the film wants to be a social critique of war, or at least American militarism, but I think this might just be a fata morgana of my own liberal mind.
Rather than reading the aliens as the United States and Los Angeles as Iraq, it is just as likely that Los Angeles is America and the aliens are aliens, but of a different kind–some Other invading our land, threatening our families, defiling our honor and dignity. Certainly, the platoon is diverse, but Eckhart’s white staff sergeant, who is not actually the leader, is the most brave, most self-sacrificial, most inspiring, most intelligent member of the platoon, a bright light leading the way, teaching everyone how to be a man and how to save humanity.
Consider: the Marines find it nearly impossible to kill the aliens. They shoot the monsters, but the monsters get up again. “How do we kill these things?!” the Marines wonder aloud through the gunfire. At one point, a wounded alien is caught and Eckhart proceeds to tear the living thing’s chest cavity apart with his hands. The alien wriggles and writhes and Eckhart stabs its strange organs over and over, unable to find anything resembling a brain or a heart. Vivisection is difficult to watch for fun.
This is how we demonize the Other: They don’t have brains or hearts. They can’t think. They can’t feel. They are less than we are. We must tear them apart with our hands as they bleed and scream so we can understand this threat and neutralize it.
The last image of the movie is of the ruined skyline of Los Angeles, the now-triumphant American Military in the air, ready to TAKE AMERICA BACK.
10. The Survival Of Humanity, Or At Least One Human: The lights came up in the theater. The seven young men behind me shuffled out without saying anything. They tossed their half-finished buckets of soda into the over-full garbage and retreated to the seven cars they came in. I sat in mine and enjoyed its warmth from sitting in the sun for hours.
 |
 |
You Might Also Like
 Battle: Los Angeles Trailer, You Guys | Daniel’s Bar Mitzvah Save The Date Rap Video (Oh Boy) |  Saturday Night Live: Jamie Foxx And Ne-Yo |  “Great Job” On The Birthday Surprise, Everybody |
Leave a Reply
Sign inSign in with FacebookYou must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.
So… did you like the movie?
Frank, Frank… Mans likes his Skechers, but he LOVES his Battle: Los Angeles.
Does this mean I don’t have a Battle: Los Angeles? Because man, do I love Skechers.
Seriously: Thumbs up or thumbs down? IT’S NOT THAT HARD, MANS
battle: la
welcome to the semantic web.
wordpress stripped my nerdy and bad html joke.
i guess that’s what i deserved.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
This guy knows what I’m talking about.
I have to agree with finky. You see some of these monsters avatars so much that you eventually are genuinely interested in who is behind the monitor and keyboard. Mans definitely brought a different feel to the posts, but it’s refreshing. I’d say Gabe tends to see everything as gross and pathetic (which IS funny), whereas you get this sense that mans finds a way of making each post a little more significant. I dunno, I just liked taking a look into his life. sue me.
You’re a Good Man, Mans
I respectfully disagree. I have enjoyed today’s post more then any other guest blogger. I think there is great mix of dark humour and real stories in these posts and I love it.
I’m sad that Mans’ posts are done…
sorry finky, I thought my comment would come after yours. Didn’t mean to steal any thundaahh
I see you went with that tired old American Exceptionalism tag. I expect more of you, Mans.
I assume most people will only read the tags.
Videogum: Come for the tags, stay for the tl;dr
That PE teacher was a total dick.
Is he now that the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obsenities and doing some calisthenics routine?
*Seinfeld base riff and mouth popping noise*
So….. do you still keep in touch with the kid who put you in a headlock?
By our senior year, we ended up being friends. The fact that I would not fight at all impressed him in some way and after that, he liked me. I never got mad at him about beating me up. He had some serious issues that I think contributed to his behavior, so I just always tried to be nice to him and he was nice back. It actually works.
To this day, when my brother sees him around our hometown, he asks how I am doing and tells my brother to pass along his greetings.
This is a photoshopped image of Mans’ (Mann’s) face on to Ghandi’s face.
If you had fought him and won, not only would he ask how you are, now he would be your butler.
Man, this sounds like a terrible movie.
More like Mans, this sounds like a terrible movie boom
I seriously think “Mans at the Movies” should become a regular feature.
I agree, I would not mind alternating the movie club between Mans and Gabe, no offense Gabe
Seconded! I really want to see Mans’ review of Red Riding Hood, but told in iambic pentameter. Is that asking too much?
Iambic pentameter means never
asking whether you are asking too much.
Awesome photoshop Great Job!
So what you’re saying is that it’s like a bad play where the hero is always right, and nobody thinks or respects him much? Give it to me straight. Why you wanna give me the runaround?
BluesTraveler.gif
Reviews like this are what it means to be a MANS.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
torgothewhite = steve winwood – charm.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
How very happy I am for you.
So, Step 1: Call somebody ELSE pretentious (…check)
Step 2: Suavely mention you’ve won a caption contest (…check)
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
I am also not as handsome, but otherwise, I think you nailed it.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Spoiler Alert: Week’s Lowested Rated Comment
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
“It’s nothing personal against Mans, I just wanted to insult him by calling him pretentious because he’s smarter than I am and I don’t like being reminded of such a thing so I call people who do so pretentious. See, nothing personal against Mans.”
1. He is smarter than me, he is a lawyer.
2. I am for sure not one of those people who calls those smarter than me pretentious, that is the folly of the ignorant and simple-minded.
3. It was a minor tweak at his writing style.
4. Chill out.
Okay…. so how is he pretentious? What is it you think he’s pretending to be?
Upvote for item #1… one of my favorite jokes.
Bravo, mans. Also, At one point, a wounded alien is caught and Eckhart proceeds to tear the living thing’s chest cavity apart with his hands. – ew.
This review made me want to cry. So BLEAK.
Basically I loved it and would recommend it to a friend.
Mans, the fact that you are both a dude and perfectly cognizant of how fucked up Hollywood’s and society’s general portrayal of women is makes me very happy and gives me hope. Thank you.
But shit blows up and stuff? Great, I’ll sneak some Four Loko in my purse and call it a Saturday night success.
Hedgehog: “Isn’t this review just basically repeating what I already said?”
Yeah, but did they show the new trailer for Harry Potter?
More Mans! More Mans! I wish your posts went on longer – I enjoy reading them.
This sounds alarmingly similar to the beginning of The Karate Kid….
This movie was nothing but shaky cams and yelling interrupted every 15 minutes for a slow clap.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Giving torgothewhite a run for his money, eh?
Dude, you know what? Being told that being a man means being cruel, brutal, and perfect makes me uncomfortable; sexist jokes where a woman is someone who “lets” a man get a blowjob from them instead of giving on, because, hey, fun, also makes me uncomfortable, and you know what? I still have my cock and balls, so, ya know, no sacrifice there.
See, I’m not so bad! The N is an idiot and I completely agree with ptsmith. The generally accepted way to “Be A Man” is pathetic and I hate it.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
I’m thinking you don’t actually like this site at all.
I think it’s a little mean that anyone who posts a comment stating their negative opinion automatically gets like 40 downvotes. I kind of brings too much attention to it and seems bullish and makes things look way worse. But also, The N could’ve expressed his opinion less aggressively. You’re deliberately asking for downvotes and attention by being as controversial as possible. whatsupwiththat?
I’m going to say, in such a way as I’d like it to be known that I have no personal issues with Mans, that I did not care for this review. I didn’t think it was pretentious, but I could have done without the undergraduate philosophy lesson. Except for the part about rolling over and over in a pickup truck in a ditch, I, well, I didn’t think it was funny at all, and I don’t think it’s too much to expect that a Videogum article be humorous, because I think that’s a large part of why it’s popular(?). I like that there’s been a little more variety on the site, and, hey, we should all applaud Mans for being a LITERATE AND COHERENT WRITER AT ALL IN THIS TERRIBLE AGE WE CALL INTERNET, so please don’t get mad at me, everyone.
Mans please tell me you have a novel that is soon to be released. I would buy the shit out of it.
Is that your way of saying that you would pay to edit it?
My favorite part of Battle: LA was after Aaron Eckhart gives the big rousing speech to rally the troops, he goes “I guess none of that matters now!” I drunkenly (I was drunk) laughed out loud.
Nowhere in this film was there any sort of implied message (like District 9). There wasn’t time for a message. It’s Black Hawk Down with aliens. It’s one giant escape movie. The only message I got was that marines speak in war movie cliches and Michelle Rodriguez can kick my ass. Seriously, she kicks so much ass in this movie. The cum joke was crude but I have to admit I laughed – my girlfriend rolled her eyes – then we moved on. Michelle Moynahan – what was she supposed to do, karate chop aliens? The writing was stupid all around, every character was two dimensional and stereotypical. But they blew up them aliens real good – and I clapped. Popcorn flick accomplished.
I haven’t seen the movie, so this isn’t necessarily on point, but I always kind of take issue when people make the case that if you’re making a big, dumb popcorn movie, it’s ok if the plot sucks and/or doesn’t make any sense, the acting is sub-par, and the caricatures are as broadly drawn as possible (Transformers, Iron Man 2, etc.). You’re spending 200 million dollars – take the time to nail, um, the little details like plot and script and character development. Independence Day is one of my least favorite movies for exactly this reason – it’s big and stupid and doesn’t even try, because it thinks it doesn’t have to.
Die Hard. That is all.
An analogy would be going to a huge mansion and there is no running water.
“Their laughter rattled through the room like a cup of marbles falling over on a hardwood floor” is the best simile I have read today and this is the best movie review. Mans, you poet!
Really enjoyed your review, Mans. I also enjoyed this review, which basically has the thesis that the movie thinks Angelinos want to see their city saved, though we would much rather see it burn.
http://moviecitynews.com/2011/03/battle-los-angeles-the-healing-powers-of-the-apocalypse/
the feminist angle in pt. 6 & pt. 7 really took my Mans Love over the top.
also, people complaining about too many words? you’re allowed to use that many words when it’s entertaining, well written, and you don’t get bored (ie, this post.)
you sir, are DIVISIVE. I for one loved your guest blogging. I love Gabe (sexually) but if he has to take time off for massive amounts of elective surgery I’m glad we are getting people with a different flavor for the job. isn’t the writing being something other than someone going DING DONG with a different avatar kind of the point of having a guest blogger?
and while it goes without saying that I don’t know how someone who has their dander up over the “liberal agenda” of this site (hruh?) hangs around reading it for at least two weeks at a time, well, I don’t fucking understand it. I wish I had that much free time? someone please pay me to read websites I am predisposed to disagree with all day, full dental and 401k preferred.
“…but if he has to take time off for massive amounts of elective surgery…”
All of my upvotes. They are yours to keep.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
No, I think there are a lot of liberals who would find that joke amusing, and that’s okay by me and probably okay by a lot of people here. I think you’ve been labeled anti-liberal for insulting liberals and trotting out the conservative-douche idea that a man somehow loses his balls if he thinks women are A-OK.
hey, it is just a guest blogger. get over it. tomorrow will be someone new.
I will give you that yesterday wasn’t that “funny,” but I found his writing very entertaining. You didn’t enjoy it, fine, the reason people are downvoting you isn’t because you’ve taken a political stance, it’s because you’re kind of being a dick about it.
Don’t know Mans personally, but I’d feel a bit insulted to have my work dismissed out of hand in an insulting manner. That’s all.
I’m going to use “fata morgana” a lot now…
I’ve finally been catching up with the site after a very busy day. It’s impossible to be timely at this point, but I have to say that I wish I was 1/10th the wordsmith that you are, Mans. Excellent guest posts!
i know, right? it has taken me SO LONG to catch up on today. So many words! So nicely arranged! All my ♥ to Mans. Great job.
this was *supposed* to be a reply to kittensmash.
…and SPEAKING of long stories that your name reminds me of, I once knew a family that let their very young son name the family cat. He called it “Squish.” The parents were worried because they lived by a highway that the name would be prophetic.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
There sure are a lot of jerks on the site today.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Sure – like I said to The N above (basically), that’s a valid point of view. But the way you wrote your critique of it is above is insulting and dismissive. I like it and you don’t, but there’s nothing wrong with trying hard.
Also, that is basically what she said.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
too short; I read it twice!
I wish more movie reviews were like this.
As a long-time lurker you monsters (“don’t let the trolls hurt you”) have become somewhat iconic for me. And in danger of sounding like a third grader with a crush, Mans so more than anyone. I would like to see him contribute more to this site. Given some time to find his form, I think his intellectual approach would supplement Gabe’s familiar writing style perfectly.
Basically I’m just a girl, standing in front of a Mans, asking him to accept her slowclap.gif.
Dear Mans,
Reading this made me remember film theory classes and how fun it could be deconstruct a terrible movie’s obvious semiotics. I have not seen this movie, but it could only be made better if somehow the aliens also had features that were reminescent of vulvae so we could also deal with the whole monstrous feminine thing.
P.S. sorry if this makes me sounds like a Bad Person Who Puts On Airs
I will continue to not plan to see Battle: Los Angles
Let’s ROCK!
Jenette Goldstein 4 Lyfe
Mans has a new show on the Reelz Channel called “Snappy Reviews of Stupid Movies.”
This is wonderful.
Agreed. I have had an unusually busy week, but well done, Mans. Thank you for pointing out the tired gender stereotypes especially.