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Charlie Sheen blinked, and the world was cured. Duh. Winning. What happened next, of course, is difficult to put into words. Well, first what happened next is that Charlie Sheen took a sip of Diet Red Bull and tapped the ash from his cigarette into a glass of ice. Slowly, men who had been in wheelchairs their entire lives stood and began to take tentative steps forward. The blind were momentarily panicked, believing that the visions they were having were the delusional hallucinations of a dying mind, only to discover that they could once again see, and tears streamed down their faces. Entire wards of hospitals emptied into the streets in boisterous celebration. People forgot how to say the word “SIDS.” A man who had his legs blown off in a war began to dance.
Other effects of what would later be referred to as “The Miracle” were even more mysterious, but no less important.
Children long estranged from their parents found their fingers dialing long-forgotten phone numbers seemingly by themselves, only to feel their faces light up with joy at the sound of their distant loved one’s voice. Pilots of fighter jets armed with nuclear warheads discovered their controls were unresponsive, but rather than falling from the sky, the planes took the scenic route back to the military bases, where brunch was being served. The Internet could no longer post photo galleries of tiny animals wearing tiny casts on their tiny broken limbs because all of the pets were healthy. Oil-slick birds dotting the Gulf Coast took flight, their perfectly clean plumage shimmering in the sun, which shone through an undamaged ozone layer. Cigarettes were no longer addictive. Politics were no longer about money. The traffic in Los Angeles became bearable. Summers in New York didn’t smell like garbage anymore. 9/11 never happened. Rihanna could hold a conversation.
And no one ever died again.
Charlie Sheen shrugged and leaned back in his chair, where one of the goddesses was giving him oral sex. The trolls with their unevolved minds would never be able to process it. He had tried to explain the concept of “winning” to them in a Ustream video interview with Ass Dan from TMZ, but even that had not been enough. He had tried to explain it to them on 20/20 and had even used the word “skullduggery,” thinking maybe that would get through to them. It hadn’t. So he had been forced to show them duh, boom, curing-the-world-runs in his underwear before his first cup of coffee.
With the world cured, Charlie Sheen was finally able to enjoy that first cup of coffee. Then he put on his pants. No, wait, then he smoked some drugs and threatened to cut his child’s head off and fucked another prostitute who lived in his house and shouted racial epithets into a microphone in response to a question that no one had asked and THEN he put on his pants. The coffee was the perfect temperature and had just the right amount of cream in it, in case you were wondering, duh.
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You forgot one, Mr. Sheen.
He didn’t forget. THIS IS one wounded animal even Charlie Sheen can’t heal. It’s the wounded animal of his soul.
That’s a weird looking tiger.
Pretty sure smooching this one’s nose is all the medicine it needs. Come here, little fox!!!
You know, when it comes to Charlie Sheen, I kinda think you can’t make it up.
You forgot the part in your story where the last 9 seasons of Two and a Half Men miraculously transformed into episodes of Arrested Development.
Nine seasons of men and women are different.
This is pretty great.
It is, this is my commentor’s choice for best post of the week, good job Gabe
concursive.
“…and when Charlie Sheen saw what he had created, he thought, “this is tits, bro.”
Genesis 1:4 (King Charlie Edition)
The “interview with Ass Dan from TMZ” phrase was the best.
I’ve missed you so much YCMIU, please don’t go away again!
And now to bang some formerly one-legged strippers said Mr. Sheen
… and every iphone came preloaded with the bill cosby app
And the skeedle-de-doos of Bill Cosby sounded like the songs of an angel.
BRUNCH FOR EVERYONE!
“I love you Meester Sheen” – Me, cured, with a mouthful of brunch.
One time Charlie Sheen spit in an old woman’s face and it cured her cataracts. True story.
Apparently Charlie Sheen also has the power to separate Africa from the Eurasian continental landmass. And the Earth seems thrilled about this.
I’m worried about the Earth, you guys. (aren’t we all)
Let’s thank today’s Guest Blogger, Charlie Sheen.
They say Chuck Lorre’s heart grew three sizes that day.
It suddenly occurs to me that a man whose name at birth was “Carlos Estevez” but who goes by the name “Charlie Sheen” is giving another man shit for going by the name “Chuck Lorre” despite being named “Chaim Levine” at birth. I guess my unevolved mind is having trouble processing how that isn’t some kind of hypocrisy.
Another great short story, Mr. Franco.
When is Charlie Sheen going to cure this goddamn insomnia? #grumpygum
And then he freed us from Paula Deen.
“Now that I’m a winner, I can’t stop winning. It’s all I want to do. I’m addicted to winning.”
Casey Klein, Party Down