[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum's Official Expert on this season of Glee.]

When I was in high school, I never drank.  I smoked weed, eventually, like right towards the end, and then everysecondsince; but, I never drank for realsies until college. I didn’t have a ton of friends at all, and the ones I did have only drank a ton when we were like 17+, and I was the only one with a car (a 1994 gold Ford Taurus wagon), so if we ever did go out (which we didn’t), I had to be sober (weed didn’t count (and neither did whip-its because they, like, wore right off right away)). So, watching this Glee episode, I wanted be all “oh this is retarded, nothing is ever like this, what a dumb piece of TV.” But really, the whole time, I was like “aaaaaw, these assholes are so lucky to have each other, because drinking is fun and only cool grownups like me should do it alone right now.” Oh, maybe I should also say that I drank a 20oz. bottle of Cherry Coke Zero with a ton of vodka in it (should someone tell high schoolers that just dumping a bunch of vodka in whatever you’re drinking doesn’t change the flavor that much? Do normal ones know already know that??), and then started writing this the second the show ended, instead of waiting until the next morning like a real person. Can you guys even believe Gabe D. went on vacation that time???? Glee was fine!

There’s an alcohol epidemic breaking out at McKinley High. Figgins is fucking FREAKING OUT, and needs Schue’s army of gleetards to scream properness back into the souls of their classmates. At an assembly. About not drinking.

Then Emma tells Schue that he should really start dating (SOMEONE ELSE), but Sue tells Schue that he start going to A.A. meetings because when she kicks his ass at Gleegionals with her Aural Intensity assholes, he is going to want to drink himself to death. Long stupid joke! Also, Sue pushed the real coach of Aural Intensity down the stairs (after referring to him as a “chipper homosexual”) before she took his job. Why’d she even want it so bad? Am I not supposed to ask that anymore? I just don’t GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE SUE WANTING TO DESTROY THE GLEE CLUB THING that only seems important SOMETIMES, but when it does it’s like THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER, THE VERY CRUX OF THE WHOLE SHOW (except for the screaming), but then disappears completely sometimes? Word count= 420!

Rachel’s dads are going out of town (WHEN ARE WE GOING TO MEET THEM ALREADY??? It’s so dragged out at this point it better be Ricky Martin and Elton John or some shit by the time they do show up on screen (or … wait, have we met them before? No, right?)). Puck thinks Rachel should have a party at her house. Rachel’s like “NO!” Then she screams her new original anthem for gleegionals that she wrote after last week’s episode for Finn, and it’s THE WORST, lololol. It’s called “My Headband,” and it’s about her headband.

It hurts Finn’s chimpholes (that’s what museum scientists call monkey ears I heard) and Rachel realizes that she needs to LIVE A LITTLE before she can become an excellent songwriter like Joni Mitchell or Carole King.

So, she’s gonna have that party after all. AND THEN SHE DOES!

First, everyone shows up and Rachel’s dressed like one of The Shaggs:

…one of The Shaggs who was like “I’m going to my room,” but then laid down in a coffin and was buried for 43 years and then woke up and was on Glee. She’s being all strict about the party (no sitting down anywhere, no more than 2 wine coolers per person) because she’s throwing it in her dads’ Oscar’s room (Christ), which is in the basement of the house (did anyone else wonder for like even a second how Artie got down there? Like, someone carried him down the stairs, unless there’s an elevator, but i doubt it, so… Who do you think carried him down there?  Brittany the Perfect, right? But if she’s such a good gf, then wouldn’t she have just suggested hanging out on the ground floor? To make him feel better? But is that patronizing? Am I bad bad gf to Artie? No, right? I’m fine. It’s cool.) But, then, suddenly, Rachel agrees to just cut loose, and the alcohol starts flowing in earnest (Rachel has Ernest-shaped champagne flutes that have “Vern Would <3 This Champagne” etched into the crystal).

Once they really start drinking, the gleetards go totally fucking insane. They’re cracking up super hard, screaming, doing shots off each other’s thoraxes… Rachel screams “it tastes piiiiiiiiink” about her drink, then Finn (who is sober, along with Kurt) lectures her about how all women, when drunk, either act happy, “weepy and hysterical,” angry, sexy, or needy. Part of me was like “how FUCKING dare he say that?!” but then the rest of me realized that that’s every fucking emotion ever and the same could be said of men, right? Monkey safe now. Who cares about this fucking shit anyway? MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Then Rachel forces everyone to play spin the bottle. First Naked Sam kisses Brittany the Perfect (FUCKYEAH), then Rachel kisses Blaine and they fucking make the fuck out.

At first Kurt’s like “this is OUTSTANDING” (that made me LOL), but then he’s like “meowmeowmeowmeoRAAAAAYR.” Then, fuckingfinally, someone screamed a song that wasn’t written by Rachel’s fake imagination. “Don’t You Want Me Baby,” by Rachel and Blaine everybody:

Fine!

The next morning, Kurt’s Dad Burt from Guts finds Blaine asleep in Kurt’s bed, and Kurt in the bathroom doing his face routine. It makes him a teeny bit uncomf. Then all the gleetards show up at school on Monday and they’re STILL SO FUCKING HUNGOVER from Rachel’s party a million hours ago. Glee handled the ‘kids throw up so much when they binge drink’ angle pretty accurately, but like, no one under 21 gets serious hangovers, or at least ones that last for days. I remember when I turned 26 or so they really started to become grownup hangovers. I was like “wait, is this what Reality Bites was about?”

Artie shares some bloody mary’s in a thermos with everyone (FAHNCY) as a hair-of-the-dog thing, then screams “Blame it on the Alcohol” by Jamie Foxx (it’s from The Soloist, I’m positive) with Mercedes and Puck. Meh. The number starts out in the hallways, then turns into a fully staged gleeformance in the auditorgleeum, with Schue jazzin’ out to the grooves by himself in the back row.

It was fine, but what was with all the slow-mo, and the spinning banquettes with Naked Sam and Brittany the Perfect all alone on them just looking all sexually into the camera hole? Yick. Cut.

Schue’s like “neato job, duderinos, but you guys are fucking wasted right now, and also that song has a terrible message for children.” The gleetards are like “fuck you, hypocrite, you probably drink sometimes” and he’s like “nope, I do coke … through my butt. Maybe smoke a tiny bit, but mostly through my butt.”

Schue’s all stressed out about his drunk slaves, plus Emma is buying a new house with Hot Uncle Jesse Carl. Bieste is like “you need to chiiiiiiiiiiill the fuck out, man, cum out with me to a honky tonk bar tonight,” and Schue’s like “oh, fuck yeah!”

Rachel asks Blaine out on a real date, and Blaine says yes because he wants to explore some shit. Kurt flipz the fuck out and shrieks about bisexuality being fake.

Then we’re at Bieste’s favorite honky tonk bar, and she and Schue get fucking hammered, ride a mechanical bull, punch a punching bag, chug beers, do shots, then (most normal of all) scream a country duet. “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer”:

Love Bieste, you guys (HER LEATHER COWGIRL OUTFIT WAS STUNNING). Conflicted about her treatment earlier this season. I mean it was despicable, but also, did they just know all this was coming down the line? Because if you think about it, she was only universally abused for like two episodes, then shit changed and became much more complex. Was it necessary for them to just lay that groundwork, character-wise, knowing that this stuff was coming later? Because they were seeing the big picture and not thinking about how fucked up those two (maybe 3 or 4 but who cares?) episodes were? Who gives?

Kurt shows up at Rachel’s after her date with Blaine to “help her clean up after the party” (man, she was just … living in filth for a million days?), but then just ends up flipping out about Blaine (why so skeptical, Kurt?) and calls her a hag (LOL-frown).

Meanwhile, Bieste drops Schue off at his house, and they are both fucking wasted. They are so adorable, and talk about how drinking isn’t dangerous at all. Then she leaves, and he gives everyone in his Spanish class an A+ and tries to drunk-dial Emma.

BUT INSTEAD HE DRUNK DIALS SSSUUUUUEEE. Sue tells him as much the next day at school. Then she says something about nursing a P.O.W. back to health just so you can torture him to death. Hm…

Kurt’s Dad Burt from Guts tells Kurt that he’s a little uncomf that Blaine slept over. Kurt gets super pissed-off that he said that, but Kurt’s Dad Burt from Guts explains that he’d also be upset if Finn had a girl sleep over in his bed. Kurt tells him to educate himself about gay sex so that one day Kurt can ask him questions about it like a str8 son would ask his dad. I don’t know what to think about this, I’m already so hungover from drinking all that vodka and Cherry Coke Zero two hours ago. Seemed a little Dan Savage-y.

Then it’s time for the Alcohol Awareness Assembglee, and the gleetards thirstily chug a gross mixture of everykindofbooze, cough syrup, and crushed up Oreos backstage to set the mood. Then they come out and scream “Tik Tok” by, as Principal Figgins put it, ‘rapper Ke-dollarsign-ha,” with Brittany the Perfect on lead:

I feel for you, Brittany the Perfect, I do. That fucking song annoys me so fucking much, it’s actually unreal. Any reaction I may have been supposed to have last week when peeps were screaming Bieber I had hearing this shit. I mean, I know Glee was in on the joke, kind of, throwing nasty digs at Ke$ha herself, but that’s not even the point. The point is that that song fucking sucks and don’t sing it. Oh, also proof that they were in on the joke–Brittany eventually vom’d purple all over Rachel’s face, and then Santana barfed too.

Lol, I liked that actually.

But I don’t like “Tik Tok,” no one does (except for how it was probably #1 on whatever chart for like 363 days straight or some shit). Easy target, and annoying on the ears.

After that crazy mess, Sue tries to make one of her own. She plays Schue’s drunken voicemail over the PA system for the whole school to hear, and calls him a “alcoholic teen fetishist.” His voicemail is ridiculous, and Emma knows it was meant for her. At one point he says “I was riding a mechanical bull and I was thinking about you.”

ACTUALLY? Fuck yeah. That’s hot. Shut up. If Schue called me, all blacked out, and said that shit, I’d be on the first train to Curlzville, no joke. I’d be like “all aboard the Pantene ProV Express!” “These views are Revlon Outrageous!”

Back at school, Figgins thinks that the crazy purple barf incident was a brilliant stunt by Nude Erections to show the perils of referencing Ke$ha and giving her tons of royalties drinking. He is so proud of them! He wants Schue to talk to his pastor though, because of the sex demons that live in his conductor’s wand.

Then Schue promises his slaves that he will never take a sip of alcohol ever again (“The last Zima factory in America has shut its doors for good”–Christiane Amanpour that weekend), and makes them SIGN A CONTRACT that they won’t drink any either, until after Nationals, and then still keep on never drinking after that. Cool contract, where do I sign?

Later that afternoon, Rachel decides to give Blaine his first taste of girl-face while sober, and kisses him in Starbucks. He’s like “actually, no, yeah, I’m gay for sure,” and Kurt is thrilled (oh yeah, Kurt is there), and so is Rachel because now that she has a gay ex-boyfriend she has something to write a song about! K…

Then the shit’s over! There weren’t a ton of songs this week, right? Probably for the best.

And next week? Ho, boy. GWYNETH PALTROW IS BACK, AND I THINK SHE HOOKS UP WITH SCHUE AND DEFINITELY SINGS PRINCE. We shall see (I’m prepared to love it and hate it, like two different Gwyneths with two different hairdo’s, who either do or don’t get on the Tube before the doors close).