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Ninjas, sometime around the first week of May I’m going to become a father to a baby girl: Elizabeth Rose Gibbs. A father! And this is crazy because I do not feel prepared. I have never changed a diaper on a newborn. Meconium is just an urban legend, right? Somebody snopes it. I do not own a Baby Bjorn or even know what it is, is it an Ikea thing? And where does one even get shotguns??? Wal-Mart, probably. I have gleaned a little wisdom on parenting over the years, but mostly from bumper stickers? (Is it NEVER shake a baby or ALWAYS? It’s one of the two.) Am I ready? What if I am a complete failure as a father???
I mean, being a dad is going to change me, isn’t it. I once heard an interview on NPR with a guy who was describing what it was like to become a father. No one explains it very well, he said. No one tells you about The Moment. For every new father, he said, there is The Moment in the first few weeks of fatherhood that is inevitable: It’s a feeling of panic.
You see, you realize “you” is going to die, and not just in the eventual, literal sense. “You” who could play videogames at any time of night, you who had no responsibility greater than watering a plant? That guy is gone. “You” becomes replaced with a new person: a father. But once that moment of panic passes, you’re happy with it. Fatherhood, the guy said, is great. But it comes at a price, and The Moment is about having that epiphany and accepting it.
I think I’ll be fine when The Moment comes. I just hope I have Dead Space 2 beaten by that time.
But I think being a dad is going to also be fun because babies are CUTE and FUNNY.
(thanks for the Las Palmas tip, sharktamer and batteredgnome)
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Werttrew, I think we discussed this before, but you are having a kid around the same time I get married.
Conclusion: we need to find that crazy island in Pinocchio where you can break things and drink beer and tun into donkeys STAT!
Staten Island’s just over the bridge, man.
Well played, old bean.
Congrats to you!
My sister is having twins in July.
Then only thing I’ve done to prepare is change from lifting 5lbs weights at the gym to 10lbs.
This comment + your avatar = The Best Comment
FACT: Drunk baby is best baby.
Babies are like little drunks anyway. No inhibitions, slurring, falling all over the place.
A drunk baby is unnecessary duplicity.
They’re also like tiny cave trolls. Observe a seven month old feeding themself. Or possible something from the sloth family.
Trust me, you will have more time than ever to complete Dead Space 2 once that baby is born. When the baby will ONLY sleep on your chest, you have a lot of spare time to lie on the couch and play video games. It really just depends on how comfortable you are introducing a newborn to violent video games. Actually, it depends how comfortable your WIFE is introducing a newborn to violent video games.
Wert you are going to be a great dad! We’ve watched the evolution of your Dad Jokes and let me tell you – they are truly world class. “That ant was somebody’s aunt” … A work of art!!!
Sure, his dad jokes are top-notch, but has he mastered the dad lingo? Wert, practice the following phrases:
Blu-ray video
phone application
Jason Bieber
Myspace
Mozzarella firefox.
“Please close the door, I am trying to work.”
“I don’t care that it is 5:30 pm in the Summer, it is bed time.”
“Don’t cry, it’s just a skeleton.”
It’s also important to consistently refer to Amazon as an online bookstore, and ask every company what their keyword is on AOL.
If you want some tips from Teachermom, call every brand of chips “Toritos” and watch plenty of movies on “Lifeline”
Altavista
“Dad, my internet isn’t working right.”
“Have you checked the modem?”
My Dad just bought a new computer and was completely amazed that it did not have a way to connect to his dial-up internet. He also feels the need to tell me plot lines of episodes of Two And A Half Men. He should probably be Werttrew’s Mr. Miyagi.
ELIZABETH! HELP ME WORK THE HOLO-ULTRA-TELLY!
Things my dad says: Home Box Office, country-western music, homosexual. There will be no shortcuts or acronyms in MY family!
Both of those babies are jerks! Here’s to werttrew having a non-jerk of a baby!
I’d be proud of the first baby. She’s drinking at an 10th-grade level.
That first baby was a really good actor. She’d be in the drinking department having a theatre problem in no time.
If you apply the tenacity for organization you have for this weblog to raising a little lady, I don’t think you will have much of a problem in the poppa department, Wert.
BITTERSWEET REALIZATION: This means that tenacity will no longer be able to be applied here and that is a NET LOSS for us.
One Man, One Woman, 10 Million .gifs and a Little Lady.
Every time god closes a Werttrew, he opens a Chris Trash
I have never had a dog OR a baby, so that second video really freaks me out. I was all “He’s gonna accidentally bite that baby’s hand!” But the person taping it has both a dog AND a baby, and they didn’t seem worried. Maybe I should just chill the fuck out.
Congrats on becoming a father, but try not to live your dreams through your child, like the filmmakers of that top video have obviously done.
Werttrew, I have to applaud you for choosing such a beautiful, classic name for your baby girl. No Goopy Apples here!
Yeah, let’s just say I have a little cousin who Liz Lemon would call a future stripper because if her name and it’s hard for me to say it without laughing at family functions.
THANK YOU! I was having this discussion with my wife just this morning. Her mommy group includes babies named Phoenix, Bentley, and Ezrah. That is borderline abusive.
I’m sure Werttrew’s baby will be *BETTER THAN EZRAH*
/hadtobedone
Definitely did not have to be done. But I’m glad it was.
Reminds me of the part in Mean Girls where Tim Meadows says he has a nephew named Anfhrony.
My cousin recently put her 3-year-old in daycare and in his class there was a Hayden, Aiden, Payden, Caden and two Jadens (a boy and a girl). There’s a really good social anthropology study just waiting to happen in that room.
My wife and I are “trying” (I just say that we’ve pulled the goalie) and thinks Hadley, Haddy for short, is a good name for a daughter. What do the monsters think? Cute or stripper?
It makes me think of Boo Radley. So…social outcast stripper.
I do kind of like Hadly but it is a little Apple-y.
…how is Haddy short for Hadley? Is it really that difficult to keep that L sound in there?
I like Haddy because it reminds me of Gone with the Wind.
My one baby tip is this: When dipping her in the River Styx, move your hand around so you get total coverage.
Wert, You will be sorely tempted to sing “Baby” by Beiber to your child. Just please make sure to stop and take a minute to think about what you are doing before serenading her with that song.
Oh who am I kidding, your daughter will probably be posted on VGum singing Beiber within the next two years:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCPzRr5XQV8
I just realized after posting that your child has already been subjected to hours of Beiber when you talked your wife into seeing Never Say Never. It’s too late for her.
I’m really looking forward to the review later today, though.
But werttrew, what in god’s name will you do when you go downstairs at the crack of whenever and the coffee machine says “ERROR 8” and won’t let you make that cup you were dreaming about? Have you planned for that?!
Not werttrew:
Not Werttrew: http://losangeles.cbslocal.com/2011/02/17/friend-sam-kinison-fathered-my-child/
A DSN public service announcement: IF YOU HAVE A THING ABOUT EYES OR TOUCHING EYES OR THINGS NEAR EYES, DO NOT PLAY DEAD SPACE 2. You’re welcome.
Dead Space 2 is seriously the most difficult first-person shooter I’ve ever played. I am on “normal” difficulty and on Chapter 15: it’s taken me three weeks to get this far. I’ve beaten all the Halos on Legendary, so I’m not quite sure why DS2 has been SUCH a challenge for me.
DS2 is much more a deliberate shooter. The beauty of it is the jack-in-the-box scares coupled with the necessity to pick your shots carefully.
Don’t let my above comment mislead you folks, it’s a great game. Just gets a bit touch and go with the eye thing near the end… *shudder*
Shit, I’d party with this baby, no question.
Abortion joke time!
Steve, stop being a turd.
Someone would like you to step outside.
Yeah yeah, great story. But what do you think about Ryan Gosling?
Did you guys know that Radiohead released their album this morning!?!?!?
A DAY EARLY!
AND IT”S GOOD!
BUT REALLY REALLY SHORT : (
As a mother I am very nervous about that baby slipping in the tub and knocking its little head on the unprotected tub spigot. As a human I am speechless about the first video.
But the question still remains: How is babby formed?
This post and the videos makes me want to poke holes in my condoms.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA. This is totally what my red dachshund Zat thinks ALL. THE. TIME. He is such a douche and will probably kill my unborn children.
My mom has two mini dachshunds. One is like a needy 45 year old single woman and the other is like a 12 year old boy who just discovered masturbation and fried food.
“Dachshund ” is German for “badger dog”, so fuck dachshunds, basically.
I have Bassets, which are like the monster trucks of the long dog world. Go big!
The second video reminds me of Gabe and the Hunt, if the maniacally laughing baby is the film industry and the daschund is Gabe.
In my head, I always imagined werrtrew as a woman?
I thought he was a sentient computer.
Good luck, Wertrew! I think you’ll make a bitchin’ dad!