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Check it out, y’all! “I’d Hit That” is coming to the big screen. (See what I did there? You see.) For those of you who aren’t familiar with “I’d Hit That”, it is a feature I write for MOBFD, the Monster blog, in which I go in to detail of what celebrity men I would like to have sexual relations with and why I would like to do so.
In this very special edition, we are going to the Oscars! As I am sure you all know, the Academy Awards are upon us. Now, you may not give two hoots about what’s nominated and who will win, but I will tell you something you should be give a care about, friends. That’s all the hot guys that will be walking the red carpet in form-fitting tuxes.
I am here to tell you about the five sexiest men I would bang who are nominated in either the Best Actor or the Best Supporting Actor categories. Let’s count it down!
5.) Mark Ruffalo, Best Supporting Actor, The Kids Are All Right
Doesn’t he just seem like he is the nicest guy? For realsies, this is a fella that you can take home to mom. He will treat you right in all the ways that matter, such as: getting you a spa day for V-Day just so you can have some YOU time, taking you out to a fancy restaurant every Saturday for date night, buying you flowers just because, and he will hold your hair for you when you perform that “special act.” Mark looks great clean-shaven, but what really gets me going is the rugged manly look he adopts from time-to-time. I think he probably has a wild side…
4.) Jesse Eisenberg, Best Actor, The Social Network
Jesse is just a plain old cutie pie nerd. I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for nerds (obviously, I hang out with you nerds all day on blog!). I don’t know if his awkward funny guy routine is just a shtick or if that is what he is really like, but either way I feel like I could teach him a thing or two in the bedroom and that’s kind of hot.
3.) Christian Bale, Best Supporting Actor, The Fighter
Ah, Christian Bale. He is super dreamy and an awesome actor. When he is not looking all manorexic for a role, he has an impressive bod that he is working with. Totes swoon-worthy. He is also Welsh which is pretty much where it’s at. That accent is amazing, it makes me want to drop my panties. I like to imagine him saying, “Yes, Bale, of the Haverfordwest, Pembrokeshire Bales.” He seems to have anger issues that might come in handy in when he’s putting it to me. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?!
2.) James Franco, Best Actor, 127 Hours
Where do I even begin with this hot motherfucker?! I think I know…the smile. This guy has a smile that could cause a million ladies to die in one fell swoop. He seems like he is a total weirdo which I find intriguing. With that said, he is definitely not relationship material, but Jesus, Mary and Joseph would he make a good fuck buddy. He is always trying new experiences in life and I imagine the same thing goes for new experiences in between the sheets. Did I mention that his smile gives me a lady boner?
1.) Ryan Gosling, Best Actor, Blue Valentine
SURPRISE! Did you really think I would do a countdown of hot guys and not make R-Gos #1?! YOU DID?! LOL! YOU’RE AN IDIOT!
You don’t have to tell me, I already know. He wasn’t even nominated, but he really should have been! He was robbed, I tell you…ROBBED! Blue Valentine was amazing, and he was the bee’s knees in it. His co-star Michelle Williams was nominated, so why was he snubbed?! I would like to NOT thank the Academy for this one.
Now, let’s talk about why I love this man and want to have his babies and take his dog George on daily walks. First, what an actor! I am super serial when I say that he is one of the best actors of this generation. All his films are extraordinary…even The Notebook! Not only is he a talented actor, but he is a talented musician too. I just want to jump his Dead Man’s Bones (WIIIIINK!).
Most importantly though, he is tremendously sexy. He looks fantastic with scruff. In fact, the more scruff the better. If you have seen Blue Valentine, you know that he has a receding hairline in some parts of the movie. Even with a receding hairline, I want to do this guy. Just seeing his face gives me unnatural thoughts. He is the most beautiful human being to ever walk this Earth. End of story!
Good luck to all the nominees on February 27th! Let’s hope one or more of these pieces of man meat win so they get some screen time.
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He’s pretty.
Seriously, my eyes!
Hey! Some people are eating lunch here!
I’d hit that! But only because it looks like one of those speed punching bag thingies and I’m in training for a big fight against Apollo Creed in March.
GAHHHH!!! DEHANCE!! DEHANCE!!!!!!
..and we learn how Godsauce is produced. (that’s God, up there. God.)
ACK my computer froze up at work and that crotch-shot was stuck up on my monitor as several people walked by…
That dong is more repressed than Timothy Hutton talking about Tibet
I thought it would be a nice change of pace to have some guest bloggers doing this, but I really miss all of the vaginas Gabe used to post.
“One-eighth of a censored labia that I need to click through five times to see is just too much vagina. Also, misogyny.”
-Videogum commenters
“Your post rating male Oscar nominees in descending order of who you want to fuck is hilarious.”
-Videogum commenters
Not the same thing. I’m a dude and I can see that.
Meanwhile, The Narrator…
On Valentine’s Day I got a list of dudes my wife wants to bang.
Worst V Day ever.
Teach feels your pain.
“Um the best Parl Rll” ?
Who needs spelling when you’re that dreamy!?
Is it Randy or Jason that doesn’t wear the glasses?
Oh, you and nightmare are married? Yikes. Still, I would think you’d be used to it since I’d assume that every time she sees an attractive man, she whispers in your ear, “I would have sex with him.”
After reading this:
He seems to have anger issues that might come in handy in when he’s putting it to me. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?!
I fully understand why she is married to The Narrator.
I’m worried.
This list is ridiculous. Eisenberg before Ruffalo?! And where the hell is Javier Bardem? Thisismynightmare just lost all credibility.
Oh, whoops, sorry. I thought I was on Stereogum for a minute.
Eisenberg<Ruffalo for suresies
Nu-uh. I guess that’s just the kind of guys I dig though.
I bet nightmare would take Renner over both of them after 5 martinis
I don’t think Nightmare would be discriminate on anyone after 5 martinis.
Um… meaning she would say “No thank you, I have a wonderful and loving husband who has sole custody of my heart. And I cannot stray…”
Seriously, no Javier Bardem / Jeremy Renner / Colin Firth?
I mean, c’mon.
I second Javier.
Eisenberg > Ruffalo
You’ve been gosling, haven’t you? I can tell by your stubble.
I was wondering why The Narrator was DMing me for instructions on how to tie a noose. I just thought he had that Lady Antebellum song stuck in his head like I do.
Videogum Arts ‘n’ Crafts: Cut the above comment out and tape it beneath teacherman’s comment as a reply. Ask your parents to help you use the scissors.
I cannot believe that you would continue to degrade men in this fashion.
We are people too and I would not have you rate us by such shallow means.
Let’s get back to talking about Gwyneth’s vagina.
Gwyneth’s vagina for Best Supporting Vagina!
I am outraged that you would give men priority over women! To say nothing of all the rape that’s been suggested on this forum today! Why, I never! I QUIT!
I surprised by the continued belief that men are humans. I think if we look as the scientific data, it is clear that we are not. The Y gene is a limp, malformed thing, not unlike when you buy a bag of potato chips and there is that one chip that is sort of green and small with a spot on it. Do you eat that chip? No, you throw it in the trash and pray. Would you let that chip run business?
What makes a person human? Intelligence? Well, let me present the KFC Double Down. Compassion? I can’t hear you, I am peeing on someone at a frat party.
If you don’t believe science, and how could you with its clear liberal bias, let me reference the Bible. The word for “Man” and the word for “dirt” come from the same linguistic root. And look, there is the Lord making men out of out dirt. Oops!
To be honest, I am surprised that anyone sees anything in any of us.
I eat that chip.
I also pass over slightly odd french fries. Actually, to be entirely honest, I am sort of weird about food.
Once, at a high school football game, I purchased a bag of gummi bears. Inside, there was one gummi cat. I could not bring myself to eat it. Rather, I carried around for several days as some obscure idol–Yojo to my Queequeg.
I totally get where you’re coming from, Mans. From your lips to the Mighty Chainsaw’s ears.
For the longest time I skipped over irregular bits of food just like you. Then at a certain point I said, “fuck it.”
Like when you pour yourself a bowl of Kellog’s Corn Pops and one Pop is brown like it’s been burned? Old me would go, “How’d it get burned? HOW’D IT GET BURNED?!” and then I’d flick it into the trash or whatever. Now everything is that marshmallow found under the bed and covered in magic marker. I embrace it. Weird fries, brown Corn Pops, green potato chips. If it tastes bad or feels wrong I won’t eat it. But I can’t judge a potato by its skin anymore these days.
You have opened up my mind to my own prejudices. Thank you. I will now eat everything I find with great vigor.
Just beware of ACTUAL rotten food (GREAT TIP!). That’s the worst. Rotten milk is number one on my list of shit I HATE, beating out driving behind semi-trucks during a rainstorm, nails on a chalkboard, and breaking hearts (LADIES???).
I once had an issue with some bad chicken. To be specific, I had an issue with being forced to open up dozens and dozens of packages of chick in a meat department and smell them, one at a time, to see if they’d gone bad. If not, I was to re-wrap them. If they had, I was to throw them away. Standing over the giant plastic barrel of rotten meat, I decided it was in everyone’s best interest for me to just throw them all away. I did this while listening to the Red House Painters on a Walkman.
Why isn’t Daniel Plainview giving tips on how to post pictures on Videogum? So confused.
Being a white academy award nominated actor is hard
You seem to have forgotten me. Come hither, my dear, and I’ll make it so you never forget.
UNPOPULAR OPINION (probably) and PS, I loves me some Firth… but I love this guy more:
Yummy. I love that version of P&P even though many scholars hate it.
Thanks for starting the Colin Firth write in campaign. I would hit that so hard I’d cure his stutter.
No Colin Firth? He was motherfuckin Mr. Darcy, Nightmare!
Hi Teach!!!
What about John Hawkes from Winter’s Bone?
Is there a non-Gosling thing where “Hey GIrl” is added to the beginning of turn of the 19th century greetings? Because there is now?
“My bad Teach! I’D SO HIT THAT! Even in a reindeer jumper!” — Cake as substitute Thisismynightmare-commenter/(commentator?)
wet shirt! wet shirt!
OMG yum.
I approve of this message.
I really thought this–THIS–would be where we’d recap the horrorshow that was the Grammy’s. Well, until those last 10 minutes.
Keepin’ it classy.
5. Yes
4. Yes (Two please.)
3. Yes
2. Yes
1. Yes (As many as it takes. Just keep ‘em coming. (See what I did there?))
Mmm.. James Franco does have a smile that could make a thousand vaginas drop dead from the sky.
#2012
I said a SMILE!
I’d hit that: For the fellas (and ladies who like ladies) edition
You misspelled “those.”
You stay classy, FLW.
Off topic, but this reminds me of thekelburrows original avatar.
Me too!
and for the ladies that like dudes but LOVE this lady.
Niiiiiice.
Ryan Gosling filmed a movie in my high school and got thrown up against my locker in one scene. I touched that locker everyday for the next 5 months. JUST SAYIN’
“Touched”
Also they said is was the hallway directly outside the locker room when it was REALLY the hallway directly outside the counselors’ offices. That is what I like to call movie magic.
Oscar edition, amirite?!
I once had to pass that vehicle on the freeway. It made me very nervous.
I once rode in it … JEALOUS?
http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h10/cozitoldu2/2cfftk5.gif?t=1264681210
Well, kinda.
Dammit. Would’ve been nice if I was paying attention to what the url ended with.
Superglue, I would totally go for a ride in the Oscar Mayer Wiener-Mobile.
It was pretty luxurious! No hot dogs though.
This post comes as a complete surprise to me.
thisismynightmare, I’d like to be friends with you in real life. You seem like the funnest! Will you be my friend valentine?
Of course!
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
I won’t downvote you, but instead tell you it’s OK. You’re probably not alone. Perhaps you can find other things to do with your spare time this week? Clean under your bed. Organize your closet. Maybe read some of those magazines you have stacked in the corner and have been meaning to get to.
Also,
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
call me a hater all ya want. comments are really low this week so far. I’m not the only one who misses Gabe’s posts.
I thought I would take the time on this Valentine’s Day to point out as a single, straight woman that I would hit this:
Gasp! Drroooollll
do you have any more pictures of her?
I sure do!
This was a very confusing post when I didn’t realize that we had a guest blogger for the week.
Next week:
Frieda Pinto
Padma
Gwyneth
Psssh, where’s Jeff Bridges?? I’d totally tap that.
YES! Also, the guy who plays the twins in Social Network:
I have the most appropriate lady boner.
Oh Armie Hammer. Does your wife know you come into my dreams every night?
mmmmm winklevi
i’d take a CGI’d gentleman-gentleman-lady three-way with him.
(weird? weird. sorry.)
“I’d hit you (*cough), nightmare.”
Seriously, this guy might hit someone.
“Your new vibe is a double-edged sword. Much like the one Mickey Rourke tried to kill me with.”
This is pretty offensive. These actors worked hard to perfect their craft and you choose to just treat them like masturbation material. There’s more to these people than your sex cravings, bigot
Classic Winwood.
Old habits die hard.
Like drug use.
Sorry, this is twilly’s vote:
Hells yeah.
But he isn’t nominated! Which, all the shame, Academy, ALL THE SHAME.
The internet keeps eating my response. Andrew Garfield! Where is my young brit?
Aww yeah.
Yes, his smile…
God, Mark Ruffalo. What a fox who is also good at acting. Good acting fox! Also, why was Andrew Garfield not nominated? THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, ACADEMY? Have any of you seen the cover of Details? He deserves some sort of award just for that picture.
I am a very* straight** male and still I know you committed a major omission in Andrew Garfield!
*very very
**really likes girls
Whoops! I guess it’s not your fault, since he wasn’t nominated. Just goes to show I was only paying attention to the “sexy guys”*** aspect of this post and neglected the Oscar rules stuff.
***bro
JGL, right? yeah? JGL?
Mark Let’s Get Ruffalo
Jesse Me in Your Eisenberg
Christian Hot Piece of Tail
James Wanko
Ryan I Would Salad Tosling
Which Sound Mixer would you most like to hit?
Next year positions 1 through 5 will all be Tom Hardy.