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We’re not going to spend too much time on last night’s episode. We can’t. We just can’t. As adult human beings, it would be a crime against OURSELVES to spend almost any time talking about last night’s horrible episode of Top Chef: All-Stars. Remember how exciting it was when the season started because all our old pals were back? Well, it turns out that a bunch of our old pals aren’t nearly as good at cooking as some of our other Blais pals, and they’re almost all entirely annoying. And now we’re stuck with them? Eek. It’s like getting back together with 16 ex-girlfriends and having the same old fights (about expensive vinegar or something?) and each week one of the ex-girlfriends is broken up with all over again because you finally remembered why you broke up with her in the first place, but that still leaves, like, so many ex-girlfriends hanging around making poorly-conceived foams. At a certain point you have to wonder what you were even thinking, and you certainly wish you could just break up with them all at once and be done with it, but, you know, rules are rules. Anyway, the guest judge on last night’s Quickfire was Isaac Mizrahi, a miserable old Gargamel of a man who has been told one too many times by someone at an overpriced cocktail lounge that he was funny or clever and now when he speaks you can just hear him standing on their shoulders like some kind of misguided nightmare Amistad. His voice just drips with self-congratulation, and yet it is entirely unclear what he is congratulating himself for. Being the worst? At one point, he actually SNAPS at someone. Like, snap-snap-snap, grrrrrl, it’s 1992. WHAT IS HE EVEN DOING HERE? PADMA, MY BRIDE, DO NOT LET HIM SNAP AT PEOPLE. Ugh.
The challenge, we and the contestants are told, will consist entirely of visual aesthetics. They will NOT be judged on the taste of their food. Wait, WHUUT? This would be kind of interesting for an Elimination Challenge, insofar as you could imagine them being forced to prepare an actual meal that was visually stunning and the judges would eat it and it would have to taste like food but at the end of the day they would be judged on the presentation. That sounds…kind of…like something? But for a Quickfire challenge where they are not only not being judged on the taste of their food, but no one will even TRY tasting it, seriously what the fuck? Everyone just throw some shit on a plate. (Which is exactly what Antonia does? She is so impressed with herself for using seeds to represent grass or something and she makes a tree out of what I think are parts of a tree. It is some straight up macaroni painting shit.) Meanwhile, Isaac Mizarahi walks around SNAPPING at people like some kind of GOBLIN. At the end of his walking around he says “this challenge was very…challenging” and then SMILES! SMILES LIKE HE SAID SOMETHING CLEVER! AM I IN BACKWARDS TOWN? WHEN DOES THE FIRST BUS LEAVE? Awful.
Also, how has nobody just walked off the set of this show when they remembered that Richard Blais was still cooking? “Isaac Mizrahi wears black so I’m going to make some black ice cream.” Boom, you win. (He wins.) Richard wins. Let’s just move the fuck on. I mean, am I really supposed to be taking any of this:
seriously?
For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs pull knives with Italian names on them. Mike Isabella and Fabio are very excited because something something heritage. (Later, Mike will explain that he doesn’t like having to be the “favorite” in this challenge because there’s always more pressure. Haha, don’t worry, Mike. You’re not the favorite in ANY challenge, including this one. I promise.) Three dudes walk in from Rao’s. Three teams. Everyone explains how the three courses of an Italian meal work (antipasti, primi, secondi) as if Starbucks had just opened a restaurant. Anyway, each team will be responsible for one course, under the tutelage of a different member of the Rao’s staff. Anybody asleep yet? Anybody fall asleep?
Shop shop shop cook cook cook Dr. Melfi Dr. Melfi Dr. Melfi.
I feel bad that they invited Lorraine Braco to be the guest judge of the “Italian Mob Dinner” episode only because you KNOW she was, like, fifth on the list. I’m not saying they definitely invited James Gandolfini before they invited her, because they might have known that they couldn’t get James Gandolfini, but they DEFINITELY invited Michael Imperioli before they invited her. And probably Drea De Matteo. And the dude who played AJ. (Also: “Award Winning Actress” lolol.)
The only thing that makes this episode even remotely bearable is this dude’s vest:
I don’t know, people talk about the food? They say stuff like “mama mia that’s a terrible pastas” probably. Anthony Bourdain is insmirkable I MEAN INSUFFERABLE. It’s all very well produced, I guess. I’m sure after shooting wrapped on this one the producers were like “good job, producers,” and the producers were like “thank you, producers.” Let’s just go to the Judges’ Table and see who gets WHACKED.
Antonia (mussels with fennel, white wine, garlic & parsley ciabatta), Tiffany (polenta terrine with italian sausage, roasted peppers & kale), Carla (minestrone soup with basil oil, tomatoes & homemade focaccia) and Fabio (pollo alla cacciatora, polenta al pecorino) are in the top three. Wait, no Mike Isabella? Do the judges know he’s the favorite to win this challenge? Tiffany cries. Aww. “Sausage and polenta is a great dish for me,” Lorraine Bracco says. Haha. WE KNOW, LORRAINE BRACO. No offense, none taken, but she looks like she knows her way around sausage and polenta if you know what I mean? Dr. PUFFI!
Anyway. Antonia wins. Eh. Everyone’s kind of annoyed. “It’s a French dish,” Fabio points out, which is true. It’s weird that when you ask a former cable television star to choose a winner in a reality show competition that makes a mockery of a genuinely rich and interesting cultural heritage that she kind of biffs it. So weird.
LOSERS, GET IN HERE! You are: Mike Isabella (spicy calamari, fresh rigatoni & tomato sauce) Tre (grilled vegetable risotto, marinated tomatoes & fresh basil) and Dale (fresh pasta, pancetta, brussels sprouts, chanterelle mushrooms, pecorino romano). So, the entire secondi team. Tre’s risotto was too firm. Dale’s pancetta was almost impossibly bland. Mike’s food was their favorite and he is everyone’s favorite he wins the whole show wow wow wow just kidding his pasta had too much egg in it or something. Tre goes home.
Yup! This show feels like the waiting room in Beetlejuice.
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Have you guys been watching “Beyond Scared Straight”, you should.
Sorry, no. I saw the ads for it and they had some guy yelling at a kid like, “Can you handle it!?!” and his voice was so like a second-rate Chris Tucker that I laughed the first time I saw it and then was bored bored bored after seeing the ad a million times. The producers of the ad, if not the series really should have known better than to have a prisoner with a funny voice in a starring role and therefore I have no confidence in anything attached to the series.
Call me capricious, but I have only 24 hours in a day to do all my watching of things, and this just doesn’t make the cut.
Although I did find time to watch this:
I meant this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TM65MPPn4PA
Takashi Miike, y’all
That dude was a lady. That’s why she had a high voice.
No close-up of Angelo’s barf bag?
It looked even worse than the Sous Vide Casey made Carla make!
I like how it does not classify which award she won:
Teen Choice Award Winner
Razzie Award Winner
Angelo was just great in the first challenge. “My favorite designer is Roberto Cavalli. He uses a lot of crocodile skin, so I’m going to put an egg in a plastic bag and paint the table. I am programmed to have human emotions.”
And Lorraine Bracco was just dropping name-boms left and right “Oh, that reminds me of Joe Pesci”, “This is just like that time with Ray Liotta…” “Marty Scorcese’s mom cooked on the set of Goodfellas”. We get it, you know a lot of famous Italian-American actors and they all love food. Who doesn’t?
Somewhere in London Gwyneth Paltrow just said “Oh Come On”
+1 For having “come on” instead of the vulgar “c’mon”…PALTROW STYLE.
I mean c’mon, where did the Paltrow come from?
How is this show like the waiting room in Beetlejuice? Is it Carla? It’s Carla’s eyes isn’t it?
My recap: Italian italian italian italian. Italian? Italian. “I have a girlfriend.” – Dale. Italian italian.
“They call me the Black Italian.” – Tre
Why does Dale keep throwing out that he has a girlfriend? Does she live in Niagra Falls or somethin’?
You don’t know her. She goes to a different school.
She was gonna fly out but she couldn’t ’cause she’s doing some modeling right now
I believe the man in the vest’s name is actually NICKY VEST. Too good not to be true.
To be fair, I think it is a nickname. Which maybe has to do with the vest?
Mike Isabella, go to bed. Go the fuck to bed. You are terrible and everything about you is terrible, especially your douche-star tattoo. I hate you.
Right? I don’t know if I’ve ever been more disappointed that someone wasn’t eliminated. That ending would have improved the episode by about 300% (rough estimate).
I know. I will miss Tre’s laugh, which is like a thing people say about people who just died, so it comes off as sounding weird because Tre is not dead, but I’ll still miss it. I like Tre! I will miss nothing about Mike Isabella when he inevitably gets voted off.
“This pasta is so bad it should’ve been ambushed in a toll plaza.” -Basically every comment Anthony Bourdain made last night, cos, you know, Italians!
I like how no one said “risotto” like a normal human until Tom got all mad and was like, “RISOTTO.” These guys and their Italian accents.
I would like some purrrr-ay on my risoTTTTo.
REPLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, we cannot let this go without mentioning that Mizrahi’s latest collection is inspired by his Xerox machine because OF COURSE IT IS!
Can’t wait to see it at Target!
Do you guys remember Unzipped with Issac Mizrahi? LOL!
I can’t believe how he left out how surprised everyone was that Antonia won. She walked in, tells them she wins, and did you SEE THE LOOK on Mike Isabella’s face? He was aghast, if aghast means you forgot that masseter muscles exist and that your jaw uses them to close. And then cue how everyone is like “Steamed mussels? That’s like the easiest thing this side of McDonald’s fish filet frying,” and she smirkly says that that’s the WHOLE POINT of italian food, to let the ingredients be the star, instead of the chef, TRE.
It’s not a true reality show until Isaac Mizrahi’s face somehow shows up
The only thing I took away from this episode was that Blais, in addition to being perfect in every other way, has a FANTASTIC nose. Look at his profile up there in the haha pic! Glorious.
If he doesn’t win this they’re going to have to have a “Top Chef – Blais” with just him and no other competitors, because it will be silly that he hasn’t won it yet, especially when compared to some of the chefs that have. I’m looking at you, Hosea and Kevin.
I wish someone had made fun of Angelo’s misspelling of “crocodile”….. Padma, I’m looking at you!
Srsly!
Salman Rushdie doesn’t marry bad spellers
Carla did! But if you blinked you missed it. She said something like “Angelo wrote Crocodile wrong on the table” and then they cut back to Whole Foods or something.
Carla=Steve Winwood.
Can “Crocadile” be the “Self Potato” of 2011? Is that too much to ask?
Who would thought Lorraine Bracco is more of a stereotype OUTSIDE of Goodfellas and The Sopranos?
I am sad that Gabe doesn’t seem to like Anthony Bourdain very much. He needs to watch a No Reservations marathon and come back and tell me he’s insufferable. Because that guy is awesome. I recommend the Azores episode with the farting geyser thing as an amuse bouche.
I used to really like Bourdain but now I find him insufferable too. He’s gotten to be a little too in love with his own schtick (TWSS).
I agree – Bourdain is awesome, but his schtick is not for everyone.
I love his schtick (that’s what I said), but I think the super brief clips you see of him on Top Chef aren’t enough to give you a sense of his whole deal/oeuvre. But, still, a) him coming off a little meaner than he might really be is still better than him being Toby Young instead (I’m so glad Toby wasn’t there to make polenta jokes), and b) snarky smirks > still having a heroin problem.
When I was teenager, I loved Isaac Mizrahi. I used to occasionally watch a show that he had on Oxygen because I thought he was so funny. Now that I’m older I think he is one of the biggest pricks I’ve ever seen. So, maybe he’s just had too many 14 year old girls tell him that he’s brilliant, because I really can’t see how any adult can stand him.
And Tim Gunn hates him, which is all the support my argument needs.
Seriously. If Tim Gunn hates you, you are the worst kind of prick.
Did anyone notice the tears in Padma’s eyes when Tre got eliminated? I think she was catching feelings. Oh also did anyone catch that part where Dale said he had a girlfriend?
I’m glad Tre’s gone. It’s always creepy when he starts laughing and it sounds like 8 different people laughing.
I love love Lorraine Bracco on Top Chef. At least she has a sense of humor.
I felt the whole point of the Quickfire was to promote Mr. Miz’s new show, and Padma’s jewelry line, also Carla should have won, she had a plate of beautiful food that looked like food, not dirt, or as Miz said “something subterranean”, just wanted a spoonful of that stuff! Greens and ice cream, really? It’s Top Chef not Top Molecular Ice Cream scientist, Blaise!
Sidenote, it did crack me up when Angelo said his favorite things are food and fashion! All he ever wears are his great-grandpa’s old T-shirts and skinny jeans (not to mention his over gelled hair that highlights his bald spots!) Can anyone tell me who Junior’s voice reminds me of, it’s driving me crazy!