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Imagine the most normal thing in the world. Like, I don’t know. A glass of water. OK, so you’ve got this glass of water, and it’s on a table, right? The table is in, oh, who knows, let’s say, like, a small cafe. There’s a young woman sitting at a table in a small cafe with a glass of water and an empty coffee cup. She’s got a laptop open in front of her or, you know what, forget the laptop, she’s just reading a book. It’s got one of those yellow “USED” stickers on the spine from the student book store. Is she a student? Probably. Most people don’t buy those books after they’ve finished school, although she could just have it from back when she was in school, or maybe she’s the exception to the rule and is one of the few non-students to buy a “USED” book from the campus book store. It’s not that important. She’s got her hair pulled back into a ponytail and tied with a scrunchie, and she’s wearing jeans and Keds with no socks and a heather gray sweatshirt. The cafe isn’t packed, but it’s doing decent business. And there’s that old glass of water right there in the middle of it. Why, that glass of water is so normal, you’d hardly even give it a second glance. There is just nothing unusual about that glass of water at all. Which makes it a perfect metaphor for this video of an older gentleman talking about how Selena Gomez rules his life. It’s almost TOO normal!
Just kidding. The glass is filled with blood and the young woman’s head is a snake face. The cafe is actually an eternal scream! (Thanks for the tip, werttrew.)
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I just love… 30 rock.
What a creep. Doesn’t he know Demi Lovato is hotter?
Well this is embarrassing, but guys she’s 18, I’m not a weirdo
“COME AT ME BRO! THAT’S MY WOMAN, COME AT ME BRO!”
Willie’s hobbies got really weird ever since ALF died.
I am worried about Selena Gomez, you guys…
I’m putting together a suit of chain mail to send to her right now. Just in case.
I’m imagining a nice three-button jacket and slacks made out of letters beginning “Congratulations! As a recipient of this letter, you should send 3 Selena Gomez trading cards to the name on the top of the list below” and ending “The last person who didn’t forward this letter to at least 10 friends slowly went insane and killed himself.” #enoughaboutmewhataboutme
Nightmare, don’t hate. I’ve seen your Ryan Gosling videos on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/user/mrsnightmaregosling
I wish this was real. I hope one day I can find someone to love/stalk as much as nightmare love/stalks RyGos. (everyone calls him RyGos, right?)
Until I get around to actually making that Youtube channel, this should hold you over:
http://mobfd.blogspot.com/2010/12/id-hit-that-ryan-gosling.html
Don’t worry, I will leave plenty of food and water in basement for Ryan. Plus the chain is long enough to reach the bucket.
It puts the lotion on, Ryan!
Is it just me or does this dude sound like a retarded Dr. Phil.
So just Dr. Phil?
I think he sounds like this guy
Horseys sex is wrong. Horseys are for riding.
Your tombstone amirite?
You got it. That jokes will become a meme.
Tell that to Matthew Broderick.
Selena Gomez’s Pro/Con list for why she should/shouldn’t date this guy
PRO:
1) He is totally in love with her
2) He says that she came along in his life right when he needed her most
3) He think she is a very loving and caring women
4) He says that she guides him and has never told him wrong yet.
CON:
1) None. Marry him!
My understanding is that this is a disabled man who was trying to use youtube to set his son up with Selena Gomez based on something she said about wanting to meet a nice normal boy. Someone saw it and began prank calling his home, first pretending to be her assistant, and later pretending to be her. He has since fallen in love with the fake Selena Gomez. If this isn’t an elaborate hoax, it is really quite sad.
Which shouldn’t be a reply, but whatever.
Also very good description Gabe, no joke-o
Huh… That’s really creepy and everything but there are a ton of weirdos everywhere with unhealthy obsessions with celebrities… nothing really special… I’ve never heard of Selena Gomez though… it’s a pretty name, let’s just head on over to Google… OH DEAR GOD!
Oh man, it gets weirder:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGyVZBLX32o&feature=related
! At first I was very excited because I thought he was speaking in binary code.
“While some of the calls were prank, I did hear from the real Selena. She has taken a real liking to me. On the Jay Leno Show via remote a couple months ago, she spoke highly of me, to millions of viewers. We did a couple radio interviews together a while back also.”
you guysssssssssss someone help him! and her! separately! in very different ways!
“Hello sir. This is the Yikes Police. We’ve been getting several complaints about a level 10 Creeper. Do you know anything about this?”
I’m oddly curious about what was happening in his life when he realized he needed Selena Gomez. Makes me want to pop some popcorn and pull up a chair.*
*before I see the error of my ways and BARFVOMITBARFBLERG.
yikes.
“Yikes” is right. I don’t really find this funny or even that creepy, just unspeakably sad. Ugh, I need a bath.
When this guy plays, “Marry-Fuck-Kill,” his answer is ALWAYS Selena Gomez.
My first assumption was that this gentleman’s skin had become a host for the devil incarnate (would explain hair/skin…concerns) but THEN I noticed the lady 2 rows behind him in the purple shirt, who is obviously sucking out his essence through the back of his hairmet.
I will forever think of John Hodgman when I hear ‘Marry-Fuck-Kill’, as he once tweet-asked if any roller derby girls had taken the name ‘Mary Fuck-Kill’. So good.
This is his actual youtube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/Jayherrod1
Just a warning, there is no staircase leading out of the rabbit hole.
ALSO he used to have a video with his son on that channel? And he was just as super weird/weird looking as him, just standing there, nodding in agreement, while his dad angrily asks Selena Gomez why she doesn’t call his son back? Anyway I found out today that he deleted it. Probably for being TOO real.
Also, he’s running for president in 2012 and advocates shooting immigrants on site.
*sight
It works both ways, That One. And, I love you. no creepo.
#earthtothatoneearthtothatone
Yeah, that channel is a scary, scary place, and the police will probably come interview me about my interests and habits just for looking at it. Selena, time to hire another bodyguard!
Also, it’s clear he reads off cue cards, meaning he actually writes this stuff in advance. He’s clearly a very thoughtful editor.
Oh and re: his 2012 bid – I might vote for him over Palin.
My favorite (“favorite”? I mean…) is this one, where he gives facts about women that “a man may or may not know”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hU1eNhhnss4
Now, for some extra yikes, head on over here, where this video is used as a legitimate jumping off point for outrage over misogyny, despite it being pretty obvious that this guy is somewhat less than all there:
http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2010/12/facts-about-women.html#disqus_thread
(Site used to be linked faaaaaaar too often in my Google Reader shared items. And guess what? They link back to here often (though with ‘trigger warnings’ that this comment section is not a ‘safe space’! Whee!)
That Selena Gomez is one lucky lady.
If anyone’s looking for a job right now, I think they’ve got plenty of openings at the Nightmare Factory. That place is doing great business and is looking to expand!
I also hear that Yikes, LLC is hiring. They have great benefits like BARF insurance, but no LOLk. I’ll take what I can get in this UGH economy though.
The dental plan at the Nightmare Factory is better, but Yikes LLC has Summer Fridays.
Thank goodness for YouTube. Crazy people now give advance warning.
This one is actually a little bit better. And by better, I mean more disturbing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLRk4Q5vMGU
His laugh reminds me of Natalie Portman. Weird.
He has a very small microphone.
I wonder if he understands that most cameras can capture sound as well as images, or if he attached his mike to an old walkman recorder and spent several hours trying to edit the audio into the video only to discover that you can’t use a cassette in a cd drive.
Judging from the picture quality I’m pretty sure he’s using a relatively new camcorder. SO.
What I wonder is if he knows he doesn’t need the microphone and if he does know this then I wonder if he thinks it adds a professional quality to his creepy-ness.
….AND HE DOES (and I’m done).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmjvnRCqfo8&feature=related
Lord.
I don’t even think I want to watch this, but I probably will
I am proud to ask the following question: who is Selena Gomez?
I refuse to believe that a teacher of children does not know who Selena Gomez is. Does not compute.
Agreed, Taco.
This is Teacherman in class:
(Just imagine that the box is a thought bubble. I am at work and MS Paint only lets you do so much!)
she’s http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selena_Gomez
She’s NOT, as I originally though, this woman: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selena
No creepy guys liked Selena, wait my bad
That was a lady! Ladies can be creepy, too!
Now I want to listen to Como la Flor and cry.
I wish I was kidding..
How do you even communicate with your students?
Silly Bandz
The daughter of a slain Tejano singer and the father from the Addams Family.
Too Soon!
Story I should not know:
Selena Gomez’s mom had her when she was a teenager and named her after the soon-to-be slain Tejano singer.
I’ll go ahead and have a seat over here next to Chris and treat myself to a cookie and an iced tea.
(But seriously, People magazine is full of useless facts I cannot unlearn!)
This Guy: “Selena Gomez, why she controls me.”
Me: “Oh boy, here we go.”
Me: “Go on…”
Yeah, this is basically a prelude to the Son of Selena murders. “What’s that, Selena? I should go get my hunting rifle and climb that clock tower?”
“Dude, I totally get you.”
R.I.P Jon Heder
2004-2008
Takeaways: 1) He is not too embarrassed to openly admit his pedophiliac impulses (surely he fell in love with her well before she was 18) and 2) he IS too embarrassed to say the word ‘ass’ on the internet.
He reminds me of my uncle who never did anything bad to me, and if he ever did, it would have been my fault and people would be mad.
Wait, what? A scrunchie?
That took me out of the story too! Well, Gabe is *really* old…
All of you are missing the real explanation: Selena Gomez is his dog’s name. He’s just really loves his dog.
by the way, you can actually call this man. in another video he says his number is 225-719-7389. just called him and its his for real number (whether or not he is for real is another matter). told him we were a newspaper and wanted an interview. needless to say, it was a TOTALLY NORMAL conversation.
Transcript please!
You neglected to mention that he’s running for President in 2012.
Wasn’t the original purpose of this man putting up videos to introduce Selena Gomez to his son? This seems like a romantic comedy just waiting to get picked up by Hollywood (or Dateline).
Being famous would be awesome!
Weird obsessive stalking? Cool.
Swearing? Not cool.
It could be worse. It could be about Miley Cyrus…she’s like a mix between a tiger and some kind of fish.