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I guess Oprah has a secret? Who doesn’t! Even the Presidents have secrets, and they have kept them in a secret book that no one knows about. LET’S GET THAT BOOK! Anyway, Oprah’s secret is out and SPOILER ALERT: it’s kind of boring. From Zap2It (via ONTD)
Last week Oprah Winfrey revealed that on Monday’s show (Jan. 24), she would be sharing with her audience a big family secret that she says “literally shook me to my core.” Now we know what that secret is.
According to Robert Feder’s Chicago Tribune blog, the secret is that Kitty Kelley, Oprah’s unauthorized biographer, uncovered a secret half-sister who was given up for adoption before Oprah was born.
Oprah’s mother, Venita, gave birth to a daughter, Bunny, who she “gave away shortly after she was born because she couldn’t afford to take care of her.” Bunny, who is now a grandmother, and Oprah will meet each other for the first time on Monday’s show.
That’s it? I mean, that is definitely an interesting secret if you ARE Oprah (or her half-sister). Otherwise, it kind of just seems like none of our business. And even though we all have secrets and who doesn’t love a secret, it’s not like we can all relate to that thing where it turns out you had a sibling you never knew about but also you happen to be an incredibly famous billionaire with her own television network and so it’s really awkward when you meet for the first time on your own syndicated talk show. That’s not how most secrets work. I don’t think? Maybe I’m the weird one here. That’s probably it. In any case, I feel really confident that we can build a better Oprah secret (she is a replicant, Gayle is a replicant, this is all just Oprah’s shared dream-state but she wants to wake up now, etc).
So, let’s.
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The secret is that nobody gets a car.
Everybody gets a half-sister instead
I think you mean “nobody gives a care.”
No no no. The sister’s name isn’t ‘Bunny’; her sister is a bunny. That is why it has been kept secret for so long. Oprah is half bunny.
Everyone go home. We have found our winner.
She was cleverly distracting us with bees this whole time.
What this about Bunny?
Oprah’s going to regret making this moment public when her ‘sister’ that come out on stage is Brad Pitt in blackface and drag.
“PSYCHE! Gotcha, OPAL WINWARD!”
I don’t know why I just thought of this just now in the Oprah’s secret thread, but have you guys seen The Crying Game? Good movie.
Wow, great minds and so forth.
Always Be Refreshing, Plagiaristman.
Teacherman’s version was funnier
I have nothing left to live for now that I lost the Oprah Dick Joke battle to Teacherman. Woe is me.
Yes! The Winwood endorsement! Y’all can have Monster’s Ball — I’m don’t for the week.
*Done
You always suspected that he secretly loved you. Now…you know Winwood’s secret.
I can’t wait to get the frantic e-mail from my mom telling me all about this.
Her hair is full of secrets.
Not sure exactly what this says about me, but I read “I guess Oprah has a secret?” and immediately thought “DICK!”
Me too. Dick Whitman.
WHAT DID YOU SAY!!??
She had an affair with Jean Claude Duvalier, then funded scientific research to create a super earthquake ray, that would be used level Haiti and create enough chaos for Duvalier to take advantage of and return to power. Together they are planning on ruling the island nation with iron fists and force everyone to to watch The Color Purple over and over and enslave them by making them affix the “Oprah’s Book Club” sticker on everything they own.
Finally, Daniel Quinn gets some exposure!
The secret is that this woman actually did die.
I cannot fully express how much I love the fact that “I’m gonna drop dead” is this woman’s response to getting free shit.
“…from complications of diabetes.”
“… from terminal dandruff.”
That’s not dandruff:
I thought this was a .jpg and it scared the shit out of me when he started moving.
holy shit, me too!
My mother secretly blogged before I was born, and later today I am going to meet that blog for the first time ever, right here on Videogum.
Also, we now know that Oprah has bunnies all over her vision board. This proves that the Secret works!
The secret is that Oprah was dead the whole time.
“Secret looooooveeeeerrrrrrrsss”
The news literally shook her to her core because when she heard it she was sitting in a $15,000 massage chair.
She was born a man and was offered the role of Carl Winslow, the dad from Family Matters, but she turned it down upon realizing her true sexual identity.
In 1996, Oprah murdered a librarian with a tack hammer at a branch of the Chicago Library because she thought the librarian had called her “fat” behind her back.*
As she cleaned up the crime scene, collecting all the blood, skull fragments and brain matter, her eyes fell upon Jacquelyn Mitchard’s, “The Deep End of The Ocean,” and thus, The Oprah Book Club was born!
*Oprah misheard her; the librarian actually was talking about her cat. Although, unbeknownst to Oprah, the librarian really did think she was fat.
This is also, coincidentally, how she met Dr. Phil. Except it was a Chicago-area Dunkin’ Donuts, a mistaken phrase uttered by an insurance salesman and a seam ripper.
It was Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in the box.
“My Dick in a Box” was actually written by Oprah…
She pretty much figured A Million Little Pieces was fabricated from the beginning.
And James Frey is a lesbian.
This week on MOBFD Paperstreetsoap reveals his deepest, darkest secret. He is neither a blue-haired Kurt Vonnegut look-alike, but also, his real name is not even Paperstreetsoap!!
You know what literally shook me to the core? A Shakeweight. No secret about that, it shakes the core for reals.
I thought here secret was she was using her South African schools as a re-education facility to train hordes of succubus that will hold down the order in the Age of O. Her media empire has been nothing but mass hypnosis to hide the fact she is an evil from outside the veil of time, and when people start to notice, everyone gets a car.
I’ve noticed, can I pick up my car but not be on the show ?
The secret is that she keeps a picture of Mel Gibson in her wallet, with tiny little hearts drawn around the eyes, a bigger heart around his adorable Aryan nose, and the biggest heart of all around his whole entire face.
Secrets:
1. The Office’s Mindy Kaling is not actually living her best life.
2. These stories of creativity are neither awe-inspiring nor just plain inspiring.
3. There is no way to dress 10 lbs lighter. That is a physical impossibility.
4. This quiz will not tell you if you are ready for change.
5. You are not really going to go inside the mind of a sport’s fanatic. That is also a physical impossibility–plus, who cares?
6. These grains will not actually improve your health. There’s no miracle food that can do that. It takes decreased stress, plenty of sleep at night, mental health, proper nutrition, and plent of exersize to do that.
http://www.oprah.com/omagazine.html
the real secret is that the rats of nimh can speak fucking english
Oprah shot JFK.
But she did not shoot the Depuity.
Argh. “Deputy.” Go to bed, stephilepsy.
Oprah’s biggest secret is that Harpo Entertainment, her production company, is actually a front for her super secret production company, Oprah Entertainment. They are planning Yahoo Serious’ comeback by doing a movie with Oprah called “Yahoo, Oprah: Serious Winfrey.”
Not surprisingly, they also deal in black tar heroin.
“Sausage Pork Beef Cheese Whole Milk Butter Margarine Nuts” -Oprah
the secret is she kidnapped herself.
Oprah’s half-sister better be Banksy.
The secret is that Oprah can’t read
#Oprahcompensating
The “O” is silent and “W” is pronounced as a “V,” but that sound too Third Reich-y so she mainstreamed it.
Secret: Her recently discovered half-sister needs to borrow some money.