From CNN (CNN!!!) via BuzzFeed:
HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I’m just glad to see that EVERYONE is taking this with the appropriate level of seriousness. And also that we’re finally getting some of the IMPORTANT details. As you may have noticed, we don’t get to hear any of the interviewer’s questions before we hear her answers, so I’ve tried to piece together the other side of this interesting conversation.
Q: OK, so, a friend of your texted you. Got it. But a friend from WHERE exactly?
A: A friend of mine from church.
Q: Thank you! Good detail. Very important. It’s all starting to make sense. Now, how did you make the difficult decision of whether or not to reply to this text? How many hours did you spend deliberating whether or not to text her back?
A: I just decided to text her back.
Q: Fascinating stuff! Now, did you judge the distance you had before you would FALL INTO A FOUNTAIN correctly, or did you misjudge the distance between you not being in a fountain and you being in a fountain?
A: I thought I had a long distance. I didn’t.
Q: Well, we all know that now. Hindsight 20/20 AM I RIGHT? LOL. Then what happened. Which part of your body or article of clothing hit the edge of the fountain first? I cannot WAIT to hear your answer:
A: My boot hit the edge of the fountain and I fell over.
Q: You know, you like to think that you understand how someone falling into a fountain works, but to hear it from someone who has actually experienced it, it’s just incredible. Your story is one of bravery and courage. Now, please, if you have any energy left to keep talking with us, what is the next thing you saw?
A: Pennies and coins in front of my face.
A: I’m in the water.
Q: The fountain. Yes.
I think you get the point.
Also hilarious: THE CRYING OBVIOUSLY.
Luckily, of course, this new video will certainly put an end to anyone making fun of this woman on the Internet. That’s just how the Internet works! Fair is fair, that is the Internet’s motto. And enough is enough, that is its other motto. Your nightmare is over, my friend. Definitely super over forever. The end.