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My good friend and fellow Top Chef recapper, Max Silvestri, just pointed out to me yesterday that last week’s episode was officially titled “Dim Sum Lose Sum” and that this week’s episode was officially titled “We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Boat.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? First of all, “Dim Sum Lose Sum” is the best thing I’ve ever heard, probably, I’m sure that is true and not even remotely hyperbolic. Second of all, in the words of Bandler Ching, could this show BE any more for us? Man! Although, I do regret all of the hours wasted each week trying to come up with a “clever” (never particularly clever) pun-based headline joke when I could obviously have just used the episodes’ official titles each time. Oh well. Better luck next time. These guys know what I’m talking about. ANYWAY: this week, Marcel is up on the roof playing the fool. Seriously, shut up, Marcel. “I don’t know how you do in your seasons…” What? Idiot. “Rah.” Hush. Marcel says that people shouldn’t cry about things, and if they’re going to cry about them, they should get out of the game, which is a perfectly fine thing to say on a reality show except that MARCEL IS THE ONE WHO IS CRYING. So, huh? Dale says that Marcel is lucky he took anger management training. Lucky for Marcel, unlucky for us. GET HIM, DALE! GET HIS HAIR AND SMIRK! Dale goes to bed. Marcel does not, although he should.
No Quickfire Challenge this week, it is just straight to the Elimination Challenge. Kind of. Everyone wakes up at 4:30 AM and heads to the kitchen. What could this be? “It’s too late for a midnight snack, too early for breakfast,” Fabio says. That is the name of Fabio’s memoir. “Too Late for a Midnight Snack, Too Early for Breakfast: The Fabio Story.” They get to the kitchen and Padma’s not even there! Uh, of course she isn’t, clowns. She is getting her beauty, SO BEAUTY, sleep. But there is a sign and a note:
“Between the sign and the note, it’s pretty clear that we’re going fishing,” Tiffani says. Whoa. I’d been wondering why there was a “Going Out of Business” sign in the window of the Sherlock Holmes Detective Agency. Pretty clear. Could be a little clearer, but you know, you get it. They all pile into the Toyota Siennas (neat!) and head out to Montauk. Ah, there’s my girl.
So, the chefs will split into three teams of four, they will have five hours to fish, and then they will cook whatever they catch for 200 people on the beach (the beach = Long Island City, Queens). Oh, and this week is a DOUBLE ELIMINATION. Boom. Goodbye, Jamie and someone else! Seriously, that’s not even a spoiler, right? Jamie is definitely going home finally. Team challenges are not Blais’s favorite. He likes to Blais his own trail. Angelo explains that he hates the water because he watched Jaws too many times and then start spitting some ACTUAL SHARK FACTS. Remember how Jaws was a documentary full of facts? So interesting. “Capturing the Friedmans of the sea,” is what they call Jaws. Angelo says that he won’t even go in “the pools,” such is his fear of the shark thing, which is funny, but 7-year-old me TOTALLY relates to that. Angelo really has his finger on the pulse of infant-child neuroses!
Fish fish fish. Shop shop shop. Cook cook cook. The whole fishing segment is one of those classic Top Chef Non Dramas where they make it seem like one team is just totally out-fishing the other teams, but by the end of the segment everyone has plenty of fish so whatever. It would have been hilarious if one team didn’t catch a single fish. Woulda shoulda LOLa. But, so, yeah, everyone catches fish, although I guess Dale REALLY catches fish. His dad is a fish or something? A fish in some serious dad shorts.
Dale catches “the fish of a lifetime.” It’s all downhill from here. R.I.P. Dale. (Later, Tom will say that he heard Dale made quite a catch, and Dale will say that it was a moment he will always remember, and Tom is clearly SO BORED by this story. Haha. They build you fish just to fish you down, Dale.)
When they step off the boats, Antonia explains that she never understood the appeal of fishing before, but now she does. Sure. You definitely had a normal fishing experience, the kind which most fishermen are always talking about, Antonia. You get it, now.
Farmers market. More like SNORE MARKESTNORE. “This is so much more exciting than when they shop at Whole Foods,” said no one.
Everyone gathers at Water Taxi Beach in Queens to cook and say very stupid things about Water Taxi Beach in Queens. “I used to think Manhattan was cool,” Angelo says, “but seeing Manhattan from the other side is really cool.” Uh, it is not either/or. Also: how have you never seen Manhattan from the other side? Oh right.
You were constructed in a basement somewhere in midtown probably. (When Padma shows up, she says something similar, like, “it’s so close to the city!” Yes Padma. In fact, it’s even part of the city. Love you, honey. And then Gail says “I’ve been to lots of parties here.” Haha. Gail. Total Party Hog. Love you, too, Gail!) They cook. People eat what they cook. Well, most of them cook. At one point they cut to Jamie and OF COURSE that girl can’t even just cook a piece of fish. She’s all thumbs. Her fingers are thumbs, her head is a thumb. After the meal is done and they are packing up their pic-a-nic baskets to head back to the Judges’ Table, Jamie complains that Team Blais-Fabio-Marcel only cooked one dish and that means it will be harder for the judges to determine who did what if they come up for elimination, and then she has the balls to say that she doesn’t appreciate people copping out. WHOAAAAAAAAA. EASY JAMIE! PEOPLE WHO ARE HUMAN COP OUTS SHOULD NOT THROW COP OUT STONES. DON’T COUNT OTHER PEOPLE’S COP OUTS BEFORE YOU’RE ELIMINATED. OTHER COMMON EXPRESSIONS WE ALL ARE VERY FAMILIAR WITH ABOUT COP OUTS AND JAMIE. The worst. Is there any way we can use this week’s double elimination on Jamie? Double eliminate her?
Judges’ Table. The best chefs are called in first. These are Team Tiffany-Angelo-Mike with their pickled blue fish, spicy watermelon, shallots, red chillies, confit potato & dill and also their striped bass with corn puree, tomato, aleppo spice rub & watermelon. Then there is Carla for her smoked blue fish lettuce wrap, pickled watermelon rind, radishes, bagel croutons, Dale with his fish taco with bass, corn & avocado relish, creme fraiche, radishes & cabbage, and Tre for his striped sea bass with gazpacho salad, tomato & avocado. Yums all around. Good job everyone. Dale caught a big fish, let’s talk about it some fucking more. In the end, Carla wins (HOOTIE HOO, I’M SURE). She gets a trip to Amsterdam! She’s going to need a BIGGER WEDDING! You know, for all these honeymoons. She is understandably excited as she returns to the Stew Room, but it’s short lived because Marcel gives her a Pete Campbell bitch face.
Fuck you, Marcel. Seriously. When he leaves, Carla is regretful and says she should have kept her enthusiasm to herself. SEE?! SEE, AMERICA?! A decent human being! She SHOULDN’T have kept her enthusiasm bottled up, but at least she is conscious of other people’s feelings. Marcel is the new Jamie. LET THE COUNTDOWN BEGIN.
Six losers enter, two losers leave. The losing teams are Team Fabio-Marcel-Blais for their sea bass, succotash, corn puree, tomato confit, concord gastrique & jamon air, and the other team featuring Jamie and her striped bass, watermelon salad with fresh dill, shaved radishes & cucumber water, Tiffani with smoked blue fish with tomato, roasted corn & zucchini ribbon salad, and Antonia open-faced porgy po-boy with old bay mayo & cabbage slaw. Aww, even the Judges admit that Antonia’s po-boy was so good and that she’s only their because her teammates are bunk. They are berated and then sent away while the judges deliberate. “I think we all agree on one person who should go home, but the second one is hard,” Tom says. Haha. YUP. CORRECT, TOM! Sort of. It’s not actually that hard. Because Tiffani should go home. And she does. Goodnight, Tiffani! You get the STINK STAMP.
But most importantly, GOODNIGHT JAMIE! You get the DOUBLE STINK STAMP.
You are the thumbest head, goodbye. Thank God. You know how sometimes you want something so bad that when you get it you’re kind of disappointed? NOT THIS TIME. Relish this moment. Dale will never forget when he caught that one fish, and I will never forget when they finally eliminated Jamie. (Just kidding. I have already forgotten!) As she exits, Jamie explains that she is bummed that she didn’t get to cook in two of the challenges. YUCK. The Worst Until The Very End, that is Jamie’s memoir. You can seriously not go away fast enough, Jamie. Go away faster please. Faster. And…she’s gone.
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Speaking of thumbs…
Good recap, Gabe!
I will use my thumbs to upvote this.
(not really, i’ll use my pointer finger, but you get it)
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Even the bots think I should get a boyfriend this year. That is ROUGH, universe. ROUGH!
I thought non-eliminated Tiffany was the one with the weddings and honeymoons coming up, not Carla.
Yeah, Carla’s married and has kids. GOOD JOB GABE! Picture of both of them in your wallet, right?
I know it’s not “PC” to say this, but all Top Chefs look the same.
On the next Top Chef, they travel to Staten Island, which, in Padma’s words, “barely feels like another country!”
Gail has been to plenty of parties on Staten Island.
“Oh, look. They even have a little subway.”
Between Canada and Food & Wine magazine, Gail lost a couple years to “Staten Island parties.” Staten Island Gail is Snooki’s secret style icon.
I really liked when Marcel was trying to act all tough toward Dale. Chet Haze would’ve approved.
He’s had years to practice those aggro-baby hand gestures. Chet Haze should take notes.
“If I’m such a worthless douche, how come I’m drinking Bombay Sapphire straight outta the bottle?” -Marcel
Whatever. Jamie didn’t come here to make friends with you, Gabe.
I assume. I don’t think anyone besides Gabe actually watches this television program. Maybe she DID go on Top Chef to make friends with Gabe. That would make her the kid in the background desperately waving a flower and cooking terrible fish steaks (again, assumptions) as Gabe stalks by looking like there is nowhere else he would rather not be, as one of Gabe’s bodyguards (Joe Mande) deflects Jamie’s advances and deftly sweeps her aside so that Gabe can get to his emergency pedicure.
What I’m really trying to say is, you’re being kind of Megan Fox about all this, Gabe.
Back when I was in nYc, I use to fish in the East River a lot, especially around Long Island City. Many a time I would pull the fish out and it would beseech me to end it right there, just eat him raw sushi style like a ronin on parade. The fish knew he belonged in the water, but he wanted no more. Seriously, the firsh would say, kill me now. But the city of New York suggested only eating one fish out of the east river once a month, which in my book means never.
I actually got a ticket once in Long Island City for fishing after dark, which I think was the most silly citation I garnished while there, out doing even my open container ticket for drinking a 40 on bushwick and marcy.
I remember the cop came up and asked what I was doing, as I reeled in a fish. Realizing I was getting a ticket anyway, I regaled him with a tale about how my buddy Pablo Basscobar was in the river in full scuba gear and we were smuggling in crack one cast at a time. What I remember most about this exchange was while he was writing me up, a homeless dude emerged from behind the mounds of trash to announce, “I am tired of all this shade of purple so people are going to have to die.”
Real wild-eyed like, had a chicken bone stuck in his Bob Marley beard, shirtless, but with a knife stuck in his waist band. The cop gave this dude the once over as he continued to mumble and head towards the projects by Astoria, looked at me smirking with my fishing pole, still talking about Pablo, and decided I was his best bet for the evening. I figured I’d be a lot less paper work.
Then he fished with me for a bit. Good guy, told me where the real afterhour bars were in the neighborhood. Good times. Anyway, that is what I always think about when I hear Long Island City and fishing together.
And oh, and dudes like this:
thats hoboken
and your story needs way more upvotes
Seriously. I signed in on my work computer which is Amish and slow just to upvote this. I too am tired of all this shade of purple.
Angelo says he’s scared of the water because of sharks, but we all know it’s because he’s a bio-engineered replicant who shouldn’t get water in his circuits.
I am probably an Angelo apologist even on my worst days (huh?) but I am definitely with him on this, my love for his ROM aside. I am terrified – TERRIFIED – of swimming where I can’t see my feet because I am sure that a shark or some other water-dwelling predator (alligator, snake, large mouth bass) is going to eat my toes and the rest of me. I don’t care if it’s a totally landlocked lake in the Midwest where I am much more likely to catch chlamydia than I am to encounter anything with a combination of scales and teeth (I’m not going to name names, Lake of the Ozarks), you will not catch me swimming there evah. Nope, no way no how.
You know what was weird? Angelo’s reaction when Carla said AMSTERDAM. Gross. Montaukward.
i was totally hoping for an Eternal Sunshine ref in the recap. here I’ll make it myself: OMG MEET ME IN MONTAUK! ETERNAL SUNSHINE! WHY DIDNT ANYONE COOK WITH “CLEMENTINES”? GET IT?
I will let it go because i love this line so much: “This is so much more exciting than when they shop at Whole Foods,” said no one. —-HA!
The thumb that shines twice as bright burns half as thumbs.
I have a weird craving for fish tacos after reading this recap.
“Why didn’t I think of making fish tacos” — Jaimie
I really wish Angelo hadn’t admitted his shark phobia because now he’s humanized to me and I’m pissed. (Shark phobia is a real thing, you guys. As a kid, I was sometimes afraid of showers? Because of sharks? PHOBIA LITERALLY MEANS IRRATIONAL FEAR so lay off. Still afraid of pools at night and lakes always. I hope that if I were a Top Chef contestant, I would be likable enough that America would let it slide.)
As you can probably guess from my tale above, you get all my upvotes in the world for this, brother/sister.
Guys, this episode held the first (quasi-) confirmation that Angelo’s Russian fiancee is no more, with the inclusion of a bizarre moment in which Mike harassed some women and yelled at one that Angelo wanted to ask her something, while Angelo actually attempted to fit his entire body underneath the chefs’ counter to hide and let out womanly, high-pitched giggles. Many things about this scene were perplexing, but I choose to mourn Angelo’s lost love rather than focus on how fucking weird these people are.
No mention of Angelo being a mermaid, a siren of the sea?
Poor Hootie Hoo. “I guess I should have kept my enthusiasm to myself” was the saddest line/part of any Top Chef season to date, including the finale that was just one slow-mo choke by Blais.
You should allow yourself to be excited when you win a fish-cooking contest using a fish people don’t usually like against some people that cook in a fish restaurant for a living! And when you win a free trip to a delightful European city for doing that! I seriously wanted somebody to put scorpions in Marcel’s bed after that.
LEAVE HOOTIE HOO ALONE!
I agree, and not just as a huge Carla fan, but because what right does Marcel have to be a douche to her, or anyone, because he didn’t win? Seriously, if he won a challenge he’d be shoving in everyone’s face like the ass he is – I really wanted Dale to finally crack and beat the crap out of him then and there.
Carla’s one of the few truly nice, normal people who have competed on the show in any of the seasons. I’ve never seen her be deliberately mean (or really mean at all), and her happiness is genuine happiness, not something put on for show because of the cameras. She was dancing because she won a trip to Amsterdam, not rubbing it in anyone’s face! To shut her down and make her feel bad for doing nothing wrong is pretty unconscionable and proves Marcel is a giant dick, once and for all.
Exactly! Marcel would’ve been all “Yeah, I’m going to Amsterdam. [Insert weasel smirk here]” And Carla would have congratulated him!
I actually met Carla at an event about a year ago. Granted – you can’t really use limited interactions with minor celebrities to judge how they really are all the time, but she was every bit as kind, genuine, and wonderful as she is on the show during that limited interaction. Lots of smiles and hugs. Lots of nice.
Last night’s episode of Top Chef was the best of this season. I loved Marcel’s drunken ghetto Dale-hating rant! He was hillarious. And the Fabio/Richard bromance was adorable. But the ending lacked quite a bit. You pretty much knew in the first 2 minutes of the show that Jamie would be packing her knives… http://foodiegossip.blogspot.com/2011/01/top-chef-all-stars-bids-farewell-to.html
I think it’s worth noting that “Dim Sum Lose Sum” is also the title of a Pushing Daisies episode aired in the 2008-09 season…
You must read: The Greatest White Shark Story Ever Told!
“My Friend Michale” a true story about the Real Jaws.
http://www.therealjaws.com
i honestly love how gabe takes the time to write out exactly what each chef made
seeing the marcel-BLAISSSS-fabio atrocity spelled out in words really confirmed what a terrible, terrible dish that was.