Photos
In the first few minutes of last night’s premiere of the third season of Jersey Shore, one thing was immediately clear: everyone has really nice cars now! Snooki drives a black BMW with tinted windows. The Situation pulled up in a black Cadillac with tinted windows. Etc, etc. (All of the cars were black with tinted windows, no duh. It’s called having class. Look it up.) And within the first few minutes of last night’s premiere of the third season of Jersey Shore it was also immediately clear that this show definitely sucks now. Oh well. It didn’t used to! The first season of Jersey Shore, which, inexplicably, is also the least watched season of Jersey Shore, was fun and exciting. Human animals set loose in a clown zoo! Each episode generated an entire IMDB’s worth of Memorable Quotes. These walking ids were unashamed to live their completely retarded lives in full view of the television cameras–as if they were machines built for it–and amidst the fists and the smooshes there was even some actual pathos there. The world was mad for guidos and poofs and gyms and tans and laundry. A cultural phenomenon was born.
And there, perhaps, a cultural phenomenon should have died. Because now it is hard to even know what the hell we are looking at.
There is a very clear reason why reality shows change (entirely) their casts from one season to the next. Besides the low production costs of reality TV and the inherent gloss of schadenfreude and/or sexual tourism that coats it, the ever-rotating cast of stupid characters is one of the main reasons behind the genre’s success. If every human being has a story to tell, and there are 7 billion human beings, then a bunch of those stories are going to be RIDICULOUS. Moreover, every time the cast changes you’ve got a whole new crop of wide-eyed, poorly-prepared, television neophytes who will inadvertently flub and slap and cry in simultaneously predictable and unpredictable ways. As we all know by now, reality TV is thoroughly edited and manipulated and planned and produced, but there is still at its core a randomized human element, and that is where the charm and entertainment comes from. No one actually cares who sells the most lemonade at Donald Trump’s lemonade stand, but they definitely care which self-destructive human being with an over-inflated ego slaps the functionally-illiterate human being in too much makeup at Donald Trump’s lemonade stand.
The cast of Jersey Shore hasn’t changed for three seasons now (Deena doesn’t count). In that time they have become actual celebrities somehow. At least a few if not all of them are millionaires. The PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES referenced them in a speech. And yet, they continue to live together in a house on a reality show. So what does that make them, exactly? For one thing, it makes them all caricatures of themselves, which is really intense, because reality shows already turn their casts into caricatures, so to then become a caricature of a caricature is like one of those novelty portraits you get done at Six Flags drawn by MC Escher.
But there’s no pleasure in watching self-aware caricatures fighting with each other about the same shit they were fighting with each other about a year ago. I’m not sure there is a word in the English language for how boring Sammi and Ronnie are. I bet the Germans have one. Sammifrumdungronniegevunkstremitre. So boring. And yet, for a season and a half (end of season 1, all of season 2) and now going into a third season that is the central dramapiece of this show. Why? Well, probably because it is successful. I am not in any way suggesting that just because this show super sucks now that it won’t be incredibly popular and successful. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. But some of us, a very small number perhaps, do not find anything remotely compelling or entertaining in lukewarm fights hashed out over and over again between half-wit date rapists and their abuse victims like some kind of Nightmare Groundhog Day. Click. Next.
To have the same cast return to the same HOUSE presents its own problems. If you watched the first season then you will remember that one of the primary conceits was that their landlord owned a t-shirt store on the boardwalk where everyone had to work. Where’s that dude? Even if they make them work in the t-shirt store again, I’m pretty sure there will be no talk of “landlords” unless their landlord is a sponsorship from Belvedere vodka or whatever. Monster Energy Drink. At one point, during the ughteenth boring fight, Ronnie comes downstairs to yell at Deena and refers to the house as “my house.” Oh good grief. Ronnie, you barely even have jurisdiction over the tank tops you wear. Give it a rest. And yet, it is Ronnie’s house. It’s also Vinny’s house and Pauly D’s house. It’s all of their house in a way that it wasn’t before. We are no longer watching a bunch of precious (and poorly educated) snowflakes shaken up in a tiny, grease-scented sandglobe. The inmates have taken over the asylum, for lack of a less overused expression.
This is unsustainable. Even the Truman Show ended when Truman figured it out. EVEN THE TRUMAN SHOW. If I wanted to watch a bunch of millionaires yelling at each other about the same things over and over again on TV, I’d watch C-Span (DING DONG!). Even the charmingly stupid things these goons say have lost their lustre. It’s like a comedian laughing at his own jokes. It’s like the time I went to see DJ Shadow spin in Detroit and he just scratched over his own record. Huh? Dull. Pointless. Annoying. Enough.
In closing, Jersey Shore sucks.
 |
 |
Now?
I think this is the first time I’ve ever purposefully absorbed information about Jersey Shore.
Imagine if you were FROM the Jersey Shore! This would be the first time you’d ever purposely absorbed information, period.
To vamp up the series they should make Michael Cera live with them and teach him more about the ways of the guido
Dream on.
All my upvotes, they are yours.
I for one think Michael Cera = Pauly D. Is there confirmation that they’re two separate people?
“I don’t have your money. It’s in Ronnie’s house. And Snooki’s house. And Pauly D’s house.” -George Bailey, never.
“WHOA, I SAID TOUCH IT. DON’T MASH IT.”
This is fun drunk leopard
i thought this was chris farley for a split second. it was weird and
If the Apprentice really was about a lemonade stand, I’d be more inclined to watch it.
I would be content to watch any citrus beverage slowly rotating on the screen or being poured into glasses. I love me some limeade.
True Story
My mom has a condo one town over from Seaside Heights, and so we are prone to take walks through that hellscape for something to do on a summer night. Because of this, we are now aware of The Situation’s habit of standing on the roof deck and gazing pensively toward the ocean, definitely not in an effort to be seen by passersby, and we are richer for it.
That’s because The Situation’s life, his lover, and his lady is the sea.
(doo-dit-dit-doo-da-doo-do-da)
Poor Mandy.
I’ve seen that, too. Also, the boardwalk at Seaside is a good place to sit if you’re really missing the genuine horridness of the characters from the first season of Jersey Shore, because 90% of the people on it are just like Snooki and Co.
last weekend I read Chuck Klosterman’s take on why the only actual good season of the Real World was the first season – cause then all casts came in with expectations and agendas, and made it all boring and fake.
but it’s from an old book, so it was his take back in 2002 or 2003 or something – so maybe post-or-mid-reality-TV-heyday, but pre-anyone-realized-how-long-reality-TV-was-gonna-reign-supreme.
anyway, what you’re saying is different, but I bet he’d read this and say – “yep”
I remember that first season well. It worked because everyone actually seemed educated and had ideas and opinions. They talked about race and sexuality and politics. They don’t talk abou those things anymore. At all.
It’s Pauly D that drove up in the Caddy, which I believe he had in one of the previous seasons.
Sorry, I’ll show myself out…
Well what’s happening with that Canadian show about horrible international assholes? I don’t know why I’m asking, because Jersey Shore and the shit it’s spawned is barely worth the jokes people make at its expense, but I guess I’m trying to console(?) anybody that actually found worth in the show and want to find that spark again? I actually don’t know what I’m saying here.
Jersey Shore is terrible.
You know what i was thinking would be a good reality show? I thought of this when Ted Williams was in the news (how long ago was that?). Take all those asshole reality stars who are famous for no reason other than money and sex tapes and what have you— people that already have a built-in audience— and TAKE ALL THEIR MONEY AWAY. Make them homeless and poor, film it, and then bring attention to the homeless problems in this country by watching spoiled assholes eat garbage and sleep in the streets and PROBABLY get helped out by other, more compassionate homeless, or get eaten by the more ferocious, drug-addled crazy ones.
Snooki’s already preparing for this
Good call!
The Lakeshore is the Toronto-based attempt at a Jersey Shore-style show. As far as I know, nobody has picked it up yet. (Produuuucceeerrrssss.)
I’m not sure if Snooki has a good enough radio voice for that.
Is that Chloë Sevigny?
Yesiree Bob.
she looks different when she’s not getting raped
Jesus.
i mean like in ‘Kids’
Oh, so pre-Tree’s Lounge? I gotcha.
sadmalandar, I would like to congratulate you on receipt of this weeks “Lil’ Winwood” award. You done good.
Who is the dude with Pauly D?
Jersey Shore? More like Jersey Bore! Amirite?
Ok, I’ll stop saying this now.
No No, Continue. Your statement Matches the Title of the Piece in Theme –
Things Hipsters say about ____
Last night was such a touchstone of culture last night for me. I went to the Cheesecake Factory, watched Wipeout, watched others play the Singstar Dance PS3 game, and then watched Jersey Shore. Go me. Go Amierca. Go to hell.
Indeed. God bless Amierca!
my mother-in-law who doesnt really speak english loves this show, but i dont think she really understands it and she calls it “The Snookems show”
To be made a saint in-a the catholic church, you have to have-a four miracles. That’s-a the rules, you know. It’s-a always been that-a. Four miracles, and-a to prove it. Well, this-a Snookie-now they could only prove-a three miracles. But the Pope-he just waved the fourth one. He just waved it! And do you know why? It’s-a because she was American. It’s all-a politics. We got-a some Italian-a people, they got-a forty, fifty, sixty miracles to their name. They can’t-a get in just cause they say there’s already too many Italian saints, and this woman comes along with-a three lousy miracles. I understand that-a two of them was-a card tricks. – Father Guido Sarducci
Your comment make-a my heart swell up this-a big.
Dear Cast of Jersey Shore (Snicki, The Laceration, Polly V, Lonnie, Smammi, and Dina),
First, let me tell you that I really like your show a lot! You all seem like very good people who enjoy fun times together, which include getting naked and drinking lots of alcohol! Nothing wrong with that! As your people in the mother country of Ireland say, “Bonny is the lassie who can suck on a pickle after a pint!”. I also like how you all have talents. You won’t always be on TV, so it’s good to have a vocation like writing (Snicki), playing records in clubs (Polly V), or really defined abdominal muscles (The Laceration).
Anyway, enough small talk! You are all busy stars who are busy doing lots of interesting things like talking on shows about your TV show that people watch. I am writing to you because I have a favor to ask: Would you be willing to endorse my new charity that I just created? It’s for needy Irish American youths (like yourselves) who do not have access to tanning beds or alcohol. Now, I know what you are thinking: Not another endorsement! But let me tell you, it would be worth it if you could help someone like how you used to be, wouldn’t it?
Write back to me soon! These kids need you so much! I can’t imagine being Irish American and not drinking. Can you? (I hope you can’t).
Sincerely,
Lazlo Toth
I think this season is just a filler for MTV while they film the destined-to-be-great Pauly D show.
The funniest part of this post was, “It’s like the time I went to see DJ Shadow spin in Detroit …”
BTW, DJ Shadow isn’t a mashup artist. I’m sorry that not every DJ is TOTES COOL and craps eleven songs together into the grossest thing ever like GirlTalk. It’s okay if he scratches over his stuff because he spent hours in a basement full of records finding the samples that makes his songs good, plus he can scratch like none other.
I have loads (gross) of respect for DJ Shadow. ‘Endtroducing’ was like seriously the soundtrack for my life circa 1997. The dude is talented.
But I have to agree with Gabe on this one. He is not incredibly interesting to see live.
Response: “GABE! Why’d you have to bring DJ Shadow into all this?”
There’s the shows he’s done with Cut Chemist where they have a DJ set of none of their original material that were badass.
DJ Shadow’s latest tour was more visual, dude spinned in an Orb.
But I dunno, yeah it has DJ in his name, but people treat his music like a band almost. I don’t give bands shit when I see them in concert and they play their same songs verbatim live. Same with DJ Shadow, all though in typing this last part, I think it supports your use in citing him in the first place. Ouroboros OOOF!
I didn’t realize that Tom Haverford and The Situation are the same person.
If I may put on my ranty pants (patent pending) for a moment…I’ve found it odd, if not really frustrating, how/why viewers find Jersey Shore so interesting to watch. Perhaps I fall in the minority in this, but I can’t bring myself to watch a show about a bunch of self-entitled, knuckle-dragging assholes getting drunk and pissy all the time. Sure, some people claim that they actually hate the characters and just watch to make fun of them. But at the end of the day, the ratings aren’t based on who does and doesn’t like them.
I guess the big question on my mind is: how can we complain about the rapid decline of TV when we continue to watch the shows that we attribute to this decline?
Alright folks, ranty pants (patent pending) off (TWSS?). I’m sure I’ll be cheerier later in the day; just wanted to get this out of my head.
I think that people find the characters compelling, if not sympathetic. I think we all knew dumb, sloppy people like this at some point in our lives, and we all (ALL OF US) wondered “How do these people even survive?” Jersey Shore is a peek inside their garbage lives?
It’s not like Jersey Shore is the first reality show (or even show in general) to have totally unsympathetic characters.
This show needs to black out, go to bed and wake up in a garbage can.
I absolutely agree, which is why the fact that Pauly D has a spin-off show actually makes more sense than most acknowledge. It’s still all getting beyond stale. HOWEVER: I’m weirdly fascinated by the amount of time Ron and Sam spend lying around like two half-sentient lumps.
Shallow relationships must be great.
Also: does anyone know where one can pick up some Blast in a Glass merch? Asking for a friend.
i saw a headline recently that said that teen pregnancy was down and this was related to mtv’s ‘teen mom.’ if this is true, great!
but jersey shore celebrates getting drunk and being famous for nothing, so the young girls might not get pregnant, but they will grow up to be more like snooki? at least there won’t be a child at that point.
it’s a sad world folks.
More Snookis = less children = extinction of humanity = long-term survival of planet’s ecosystems.
MTV is just being green, you guys.
until the snooki’s of the world start getting pregnant!
that will be the extinction of humanity in an entirely different way.
I’m probably the only person here who enjoys watching still so I will REPRESENT. First thing: if Jersey Shore was a good show about people I didn’t half-loathe/half-love, I wouldn’t watch it. Second, I don’t know if it’s a “bad” thing (in a reality TV sense) that they’re now rich and infamous. They’re still in a fishbowl, being watched, and while the results are different than the first season, we are still entertained. (Ok, I am entertained. You guys are not.)
As someone who watches reality TV as if I’m about to write a thesis paper on my anthropological observations, I think it’s an interesting pop culture experiment to see how a little bit of money and fame has changed and not changed them. Repetition with a difference and all that.
Never mind, I just wanted to see Sammi get punched in the face. Jersey Shore has teased out my animalistic Italian roots.
TL; CR (too long, can’t read). — Cast of Jersey Shore
I gotta REPRESENT too. Sorry h8ers. I understand why there are so many people who hate this show, but even though so much of it is staged, it is still better than most sitcoms on network television (I’m not talking about 30 Rock, I’m talking about all those shows about nagging women and the dumb fat guys they are married to.) Why aren’t people complaining so much about Two and a Half Men (maybe because it is not on anymore? I don’t know) and crap like that? It is just a 20 minute show if you have a DVR and you get to watch people getting punched in the face. Also, that moment in the hot tub when Snookie was coming on to Vinny made me cringe. She may be famous, but she is still very desperate, and that makes her sad and interesting — if only for three seconds, which is still more real and more interesting that most characters on t.v.
Thank you for publishing this. This is exactly what I have been trying to say since Season 2, but said waaaaaaaaaaaay better.
Couldn’t have said it better myself! http://galacdavis.tumblr.com/post/2338620522/jerseyshore
I agree with 99% of this assessment. The show has sucked since last season. However, I refuse to believe these people are self aware, They are narcissists, they think they are self aware, they are playing off characters created, in part, for television, but they couldn’t create an honest self-assessment if they were staring in a mirror.
On the other hand, I don’t think becoming famous has changed their self-perception that much. Look at Deena’s MySpace page. The girl was already calling out ‘haters’ years ago and reasoned, as all today’s teens and 20-somethings do, that she’d eventually be called to serve her 15-minute term in reality TV. These kids aren’t changed by fame and fortune, because they assumed they had it coming.
Gabe, I just wanted to say that I think you are THE raddest dude, ever. Thanks for the reliable serotonin-fix of making me (and others) laugh day after day, as well as, for providing critically sharp, in addition to your comedic assessments of today’s pop culture. Your assessment of JS is so right on… I’ve agreed with everything you’ve said about the show since the first season. At this point, I totally agree that the JS cast is too “famous,” self-aware, and not as “entertaining” in that there’s no new “plot” other than the LAME and annoying drama of the extremely unhealthy and abusive partnering of Sammie and Ronnie. *barf* The cast (and the newcomer chick) know that their trashy catfights are what made them “good trash TV” to begin with, but are too ignorant and one-dimensional than to do other than re-hash the same shitty tired fight(s) over and over again. Beat that dead horse. Ugh. And re: DJ Shadow: I had his ‘Entroducing’ CD on repeat in the late ’90s, but totally agree that he is boring to see live! Again, thanks for having the b*lls to express your right on, critical, and hilarious opinions. Keep on rockin’ in the free world!
Silly question. Did I give you permission to use my artwork on your site? As the artist of the caricature I ask that you either cresit me or remove my drawing.